This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I have today and tomorrow off work resting up today. I did talk with my mother earlier. We were talking about mail that she received. She was telling me she received some mail from the cemetery where she will be laid to rest next to my father. I said to her "you are still paying for your funeral you planned in their Chapel?" she said, "Yes, I am still paying for the box." I laughed and said, "They are going to put you in a box!" She said, "Oh, I can't remember what you call it." I said, "Just get a refrigerator box, it's cheap!" She actually laughed at that thought!. We have a pleasant conversation and she asked if I could come over to look through some of the mail she has received. I told her yes, I would be over in a bit. When I got there she was not home so I didn't stop because even though I have keys, I don't want her to think I am nosing around when she isn't there. She called me later asking if I was still coming over. I was surprised she remembered, I told her I did come by but you weren't home. She said I have been here, was the car here, I said no. She said Oh, I took old medications to one of those drop off places. She is doing fine with her day to day living, not so good with balancing her checkbook, but she has a great lady who is a volunteer with AARP helping her. I am comfortable with that and plan to leave it as it is. I told her I would come by in the morning to look at the mail as I already have dinner cooking. I am continuing to distance myself but the person I need to really emotionally distance myself my is my sister. I tend to get caught up in her emotional drama because she is still looking for love, acceptance, and all those warm fuzzy feelings a mother should provide but our mother is incapable of doing.
Cat~I read your post about your granddaughter's wedding. I am so happy you have such a great relationship with her. Your love and pride is very evident in your words. Congrats to you and your granddaughter not just for their nuptials, but also for your new grandson-in-law who will stand by your granddaughter throughout their life together. I am sorry to hear about your father. I know this is painful for you, but it may only be temporary until he adjusts to the new surroundings. You have been and will continue to be there for him as you are a wonderful daughter.
Ladee and Bookworm~The extras work hours I can relate to. My employer is going through this "hospital clean phase". I work in a bakery/deli for Save Mart SuperMarkets and our standards are already above and beyond what the state health department requires. They want all the stainless steel spit shined and polished. We have a standing joke that we have an electronic feather duster in our back pockets dusting behind us as we go. Some have suggested the duster is not in our back pocket but elsewhere (without being too graphic), LOL!!!
Beck~I am so sorry about your parents and I hope the cortisone shots bring relief for the swelling and pain. Good for you for speaking up to the nurse. A reminder is sometimes needed.
Hope u come back n join us, here....We would love to share ur experiences as a caregiver....n...we LOVE laughter here on YOU....That's wat keeps us going....Hope u have a better day...keep reading thru the posts......they get better n better....lol.....hugs to u
MIL told me last night she was finished with her supper tray and I went to pick it up. Her next comment was "Everything was cold except for the corn". I told her it shouldn't have been and she said "Well, it was. Don't you even have a stove?" I told her I would take it back and warm it up for her and she said nastily "I don't want it now". So I told her that she should have called me and old me the first bite she took that was cold. I aked her to tell me anytime her food was colder than she liked and she said "No". So I told her I was going to tell Jim, (her Baby, my husband) and she said "I don't care, just get out of here" so I picked up her tray and left. Well, I wouldn't feed her cold food for one, even though I would like to. I served up her food directly from the stove and I covered it so it will stay hot until it got to her. She eats in slow motion and it's always cold before she finishes it. I can't help that. I called her "baby" and was shaking mad and, of course, he tried to calm me down and defend her, too. But, I'm still mad as Hell about it this morning. I fed her waffles this morning and sharply told her they were as hot as I could get them without burning them and I turned and left the room while she mumbled something I didn't understand.
My helper says she can't believe how long I hold onto a grudge. Well, she's in for a big surprise. I've been holding one for 36 years. This one might stay for awhile, too. But this caregiving thing, that even my helper doesn't understand herself, is going to be something I will carry to my grave.
My husband insisted on bringing MIL home from the nursing home and I am convinced she will now outlive me. I try to get respite time, but no matter if it's one hour or three, it's never enough. All the time I'm away from her, I begin thinking about how my time is short until I have to be thrown back into jail with her. I just can't get away from her, no matter what.
I began reading this thread early this morning and I see it will take days to read it all, but I realize that I'm one of you and I can empathize with all of you. The only thing about it all is that AC has a great deal of humor here, and I come here to laugh, too. Bless the comedians who and can still laugh through it all.
Ladee- A BELL? Really? OMG! Thank heaven for small favors that he couldn't find one.
Gotta run...must get to work. Hoping to go pick pears at a friend's house tonight, and make it to the gym. Yeah, right.
Hope everyone in the Hurricane's path is safe and leaves if you need to... prayers for ya'll today.....
Hugs, angels and prayers to all my sister friends......
MORE GOOD NEWS.... the Princess who is causing all the problems... welllllll, I got a call tonight from the daughter saying she was sorry she had left the washing machine open...... WHAT??????? What are you talking about... she goes on to tell me the Princess, but she said her name, told her I jumped on her for leaving the washing machine open because S will spit in it.....and it was the daughter that left it open..... UH NO, I left both of them a note reminding them to keep it closed as S does spit anywhere that looks good to him.... and I decided right then to nip this crap in the bud...told the daughter that we are having issues with Princess and that it will work itself out.... but that she is really making it hard on the other one with her acting like she is in charge... the daughter laughed and said her and the son talked about Princess and how she come in thinking she was the 'chosen one', and the daughter said.... BUT SHE'S NOT...so told daughter not to worry or stress over it, that the other girl and I would deal with her in our own way...... so, Princess Drama Mama has been busted by the bosses..... Oh I so love it when stupid people make themselves so obvious.....anyway.... I am going to bed, go do my shift tomorrow and then come home and get to STAY home..... ttyl.... love and hugs to you all....
She rushed mom n dad thru their weigh-ins....then their height measurements. She then TRIED to rush thru the paper work, but that's where i drew the line. I said to her.."It's obvious to me that there are many patients waiting to b seen today, bcuz u seem to be in an incredible rush!!!" She turns to face me, and nervously says.."We're only alloted a certain amount of time to get thru all the questions with the personal history n paperwork." I said, "I understand ur limitations with the clock, but i find it to be a shame....These r MY parents, n my mother is 83 yrs old, doesnt have her hearing aid in..(now i kno why...rite on, mom!), n my father is having a very difficult time understanding u, bcuz u r speaking so fast. If u have any further questioons to ask them, direct them to me ....I AM THE CAREGIVER..n watever u need to kno about them....i kno! I empathize with ur time constraints, but, wat would appear to u to b "Jst another couple of elderly patients", r the 2 people who mean most to me in the world, n i would greatly appreciate, n expect, that u would treat them with some dignity n respect." She, SUDDENLY, changed her attitiude, n apologized to me n my parents, n proceeded her duties with much more sensitivity to their condition. I don't think i was out of line for bringing this to her attention....i wasnt rude....jst stern, so she would get my point....As we were , slowly, working r way down the hall to leave, she stops n says to my parents.."I hope u begin to feel better, soon. I look forward to seeing u next time." Well......that's more like it....right, ladies! I can't take it wen the medical personnel forget that patients r people, not jst a number in the computer. My dad jst looked at me, shook his head, n said, "Thanku, my daughter, for looking out for ur mom n i.." Who says i can't speak my mind on behalf of my parents n their care.....I'M A F-N CAREGIVER....so, don't wind me up any tighter than i already am! So.....my parents r feeling better, even tho, by the time we left, sweet dad didnt even kno where we were or why we were there...God love them both. It's a good thing Lily wasnt with us.....She probably would have stood up on her hind legs, bared her teeth, n did her famous "frothing at the mouth", bcuz she would have sensed my anger....I think i'm going to get her an orange vest, n take her with me wherever i go.. as my therapy dog.... Everyone is, safely locked in their homes....including me, n praying that we have a quiet nite. Another day, down!!
Ladee....hope ur second shift went a lil better....i feel ur pan, sista...LYL
Praying all u wonderful caregivers got thru ur day, n get thru watever's left of it.
"We r caregivers....hear us roar.....F*** with us once...ur ass is gonna b sore"!!!
Beck, didn't have time to call today, but glad to know ya'll are ok..... having them both on the toilet today, one hollering in imaginary pain, the other one seeing imaginary birds.... oh hell yes, and I am the imaginary CAREGIVER...... love ya'll
Who say's i can't walk around with toilet paper flying from the back of my jeans??
I was in a f-n hurry, cuz..I'M A CAREGIVER.!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( told ya....it's one of THOSE days!!!....LOL)
Taking mom n dad to the dr 2day for cortisone shots....maybe i can talk the dr into a little main line hookup to some demerol!!! Why not....I'M A CAREGIVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
O,God.....i can tell its going to b one of THOSE days....Wen i get thru all my caregiver duties of the day....Lily n i r going to clip on the weaves, n walk the neighborhood....i like to make sure n spend quality time with my girl....!!
Bookworm....thanku for ur kind words, n i"ll consider a children's book about Lily....except, being that she cross dresses....it may b a book for "Mature Audiences Only".....LOL
Question? Do u have to have ridden a Harley in ur lifetime to flash a titty shot????? Hope not.....cuz i DROPPED a couple this morning while making coffee....damn.....i hate that....they jst got away from me.....but. wat the f***....I'M A CAREGIVER!!!!!!!! Ok....i've officially lost it, so i'll go back to wrk, n check in with all of u, later......Have a good day....love u all....
After the drama of starting on getting my mum's and step-dad's past due taxes dealt with from 2004-2008 when I discovered this problem in 2009; her broken hip and going to the nursing home in 2009; some intense family of origin therapy issues in 2010; getting all of these taxes over with in 2010; I find things have come to the grind of her declining dementia; constantly wanting to go home and thinking that she can; the miss-perception that she's only been there a few months when it has been 3 1/2 years and staring to wonder with the US market being so unstable how long her securities will last her after finally getting the investments where the interest would pay for what her long term insurance does not. I must be going through another caregiving stage of some sort which I don't know what to name.
I wish everyone well in their own various challenges.
Hugs to you!
Ladee – don’t know what to say about the new nurses and you. Shame on you for not being a Team Player! I don’t know who came up with that. My sis works for a larger company. I can’t believe the things the employees do on their weekend in the name of being “part of the team.” I told her to tell them that it’s her day off. She said she can’t cuz it will reflect badly on her work. I’m thinking those nurses were trained/educated by the same institution who believes a good company is a company with “team players”. I don’t think I could handle all that stuff.
Teachinmomma – Welcome to AC! Most of us know just what you’re going through. Can’t tell if we should scream, or cry, or throw a temper tantrum. I will admit to you that one time, in pure frustration, I went outside of the house, and just screamed as loud as I could. It worked, nephew of next door came out, and I yelled at him that I was late for work, and he needs to babysit grandparents until the caregiver arrives.
Seemeride, that was very good advice about screaming/crying and at the end of the day to find something funny. I would do that but the minute my head touches the pillow, I fall asleep. Your tips went into my “TIP” notes.
Vic – I was like that yesterday. I’m usually tired but yesterday was different. I think I was having a mini-depression. Because just reading your words “Am so tired…tired..tired….no desire to do anything…feel like a zombie..” That’s exactly what I felt. It lasted all day and night. It’s depression caused by our Exhaustion from our caregiving. I know exactly how you feel…I hope you feel better soon…
Well, 9pm, time to do the daughterly duties...
I won't tell you any true ghost stories about those. No need for you all to have your imaginations run wild. Let's just say, not every scary movies are false - sometimes it can happen in real life -...Unless it only happens to My Family? Hmm....Do you think I can ask everyone here if this every happened to them when they had a baby monitor? No,I better not. The last time I mentioned dolls, you all got carried away. I sure don't want that to happen about the monitor. But, I can say that it happened to me and to my sister (who does not live here in this house.).
Hi Beck, I'm sorry that your mom's health is not so good right now. I think you will need to have a "Plan" on what you will do when the time comes when your mom can no longer care for herself and your dad. Until then, maybe your dad would get to really enjoy Lily on your future visits! Lily must be lovable AND smart to know how to react with your dad. I think Lily is learning from you on how to be a wonderful caregiver! I like your Lily stories. I think, Beck, you are a very good storyteller- you're comments are easy to follow and visualize. I'm not even an animal person - but I enjoy your stories. I think you will make a wonder writer. Maybe, one day, you can write a book that stars your Lily...you can make it as a child's book featuring the escapades of Lily, etc...
If ya'll think I am an unstable ex-Harley riding street dog now, you have no idea what the sound of a ringing bell would do to me...... there is a GOD and He does care about caregivers...... no bell found, monitor on it's way ...... THANK YOU GOD.....
I know what you mean about one person wearing out taking care of the other... that is M, along with her own health issues.....she has reached the end of her endurance... so starting today they will get 24/7 care.....between us three caregivers, it will keep them out of the NH.... S would not last 6 months with all those changes.....and he is comfortable with the three of us... so hopefully we move forward with few problems....
I was called in yesterday for a few hours...so it is going to take awhile to work out all the timing, but we'll get it done... and hopefully they will have a PRN, to fill in the gaps here soon..
And Beck, S is the same way with M... he gets anxious when M isn't around or he doesn't know she is right down the hall.... it is a huge juggling act all day long, to allow M time to rest, and tend to S and keep him off the furniture that is not meant to be sat on....
Finally got the son to listen to me about S's shoes... he got him some slip on tennis shoes, he seems to walk more steady now....
But God, if you're listenting,,, could you make it a little cooler here.... the heat is driving us all over the edge..... it's time for some cooler winds.... some leaves that are a pretty color...... and at least one cool morning hour on the weekends for me to go rock hunting.... the back roads are calling me..... that is my 'church', and have a deep need to connect with nature for a few hours.... the quite, the solitude.....
And Judy, to this day I will stop and hold my hand to my heart when I hear a Harley.... it never leaves you..... here in Texas, we have a Republic of Texas rally every year... sort of like Sturgis in Texas.... they hold it in Austin... only 40 miles from where I live...so for one whole weekend, we have Harleys' by the hundreds going thru town as we are on a major route to Austin.... this past year, I jumped out of my car on 290 and gave a titty shot , of course it was with the granny bra still on, didn't want to gross any old biker out, got lots of thumbs up....and lots of smiles.... some things don't change....
It is a misunderstood lifestyle for sure... One year one of our good freinds passed away from cancer.... it was a mixed group at the funeral... so some were quite intimidated by all the bikers... but the respect was there... there is a term called "flying colors' which means the vests that bikers wear that say what group they are with.... and all the different groups turned their vest inside out while at the funeral... so there would be no problems....Tho we all knew who was who, it was still a sign of respect.... And he had a Harley escort to the cemetary.... I can still hear all those Harley's starting up and makes me cry to this day.... That was the 'thunder' that sent him on his way.... That part of my life will be with me till the day I die..... and like your freind, I get weak in the knees.... I miss it still....
If M had any idea of my past she would faint straight away.... so some things I keep to myself.... safer that way.... love ya'll, find one thing to be grateful for today....
It was really sweet to watch dad here today. He would jst sit,quietly, on the sofa, stare at me...then Lily....Dad is not a dog fan, but i think Lily got to his heart a bit today. She must have sensed his mood, bcuz she jst sat right next to him thru the entire visit, n would look, very closely, at his face, n rub her nose on his hand so he would keep petting her. She jst wanted to b near him, n dad was really sweet with her. Next thing u kno....dad has a big smile on his face n starts talking to her, n she was so excited...She was wagging that tail of hers so fast, i thought it might fly rite off her ass!!! LOL....wat a sight that was....or should i say....wat a memory..
Anyway, it was a long n emotional day for me, n once i stopped long enough to sit down, i realized how exhausted i am...so...i'm going to call it a nite...jst wanted to check in with everyone before retiring. I hope everyone got some rest this weekend, n i pray we all get thru another week in the world of caregiving. Jst want to let u all kno how much u all mean to me....No matter how hard my day has been, or how many tears i have cried,,,,coming here to spend my time with all of u, lifts my spirits. I really dont kno wat i would do with all these emotions i go thru everyday, if i didnt have my sisters on the AC to unload this heavy heart of mine.....Thanku all.......i jst love each n everyone of u...Goodnite
But I know I was taking everything personal, my patience, well just hanging on by a thread... so I just don't know how you do it.... I really don't.... guess that's why we pile on the suggestions, we just feel so damned powerless to help you, Notllike, Bookworm,,,I know I couldn't do it.... I just couldn't...
And don't worry Notlike, those two are out of thier league in 'mumble , double tallk and avoidance'... I'll have them both so confused they won't know if I'm pissed off or not.... and Austin... no no no, we do not want the old'street dog' to come out of hiding....That was the drinkin' and druggin' Ladee, that rode Harleys' and wanted to take names and kick ass.... I really think I'm too old to do all that any more... I couldn't even ride a Harley anymore, I'd get cramps in my legs.... the wind in my face would dry my skin too bad, and of course I don't do fun chemicals anymore either... but Lord that ole girl was a character.... she still lives inside of me.... we've taken the 'street dog' off the street and made her an upstanding citizen... but I hear her 'growwwwwling' in situations like this... especially with silly condenscending women..... ( and before some get the idea that the term 'getting her off the street', means what you think it does,,, nope, just a term used by 'street people"... ya know, the ones ya'll are scaired of...lol)
Melissa posted a pic on FB, of three old ladies giving titty shots with their granny bra's on... you know I stole it and posted it on my timeline.....I can't ride Harley's anymore, but I can still raise my shirt.... YEEEE HAAAAAA
Vic-Crying for you. I know it's hard. I have so much ahead of me to go through that I fight against thinking about it being over...it's too far away. You've been at this so long. Hang in there, and know you are loved.
Teach-Welcome! Don't doubt yourself...you are doing the best you can. This site has lots of info and articles, and this thread is full of wonderfull people who are walking your same path. there's lots to learn here.
Austin-thanks for the info about the CIB. Depending on what the dietitan says, we'll probably switch to that.
Quiet day here at Casa Crazy. No complaints from me. Almost ready to start all over again tomorrow.