This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Ladee, you poor thing for u have your hands full with M & S. Every 20 minuets with ice-pack would run anyone nuts. When u mention about the shoulder n eye twitch, you remind me of Larry, Curly n Moe, sorry but I did get a little chuckle. That was the way I felt with just the mil on hubby b-day. We can't win them all or can we? I hope u get to at least take a peek at the pictures in the paper. I hope u have a better day tommorow.
Jam, glad u r okay. I just take warm water n add sugar to r hummy bird-feeder. Is their a reason why u eat it up in a pan? We have two hummies n one is very territory of his water. He chases him all the way around the house. the new one is pretty for it has a red-ring neck n all the others we ever seen r always green with a little white. They r cool to watch when u can spot them. I think one must of hit the window for you could hear that sound they make n then a thump up against the glass window. I did go peak to check on the little fellas but no-one was around so i guess they continue to chase each other. I hope your new e-mail works out okay for you.
JessieBelle, sorry things r not working n just pity away for I would be doing the same too.
Vic, sorry dad is not doing too well. I know it has to be hard both on you n your mom.You all r in my prayers n JessieBelle too.
Cattail, I hope your dad enjoys his cheeseburgers n the visit.
Beck, it funny you mention how sugar n popcorn takes a while to get the smell out. for hubby burnt popcorn last night n the whole house stunk! This was microwave popcorn. Then, he is giving it to the dogs! lIke is that going to tear up their stomach? I was not about to clean up dog poo from him feading them burnt popcorn. I guess he took the hint for he quit giving it to them. Those crow can be a pain in the butt-royally. I hear ya. Hope u enjoy your day with your dad too.
I hope I didn't miss anyone for I got to go check my sugar n take my pm shot n get ready for bed. Everyone have a good night sleep. I have my cat Blu on my shoulder trying to get my attention for something. He may wants some mama loving so i guess I better give it to him. I must have sucker written all over my face. : )
Austin, I hope u r doing okay n don't you just miss all those poo calls? ; )
I took hubby out to eat the 21st n his mom of course. Dinner was good but the mil for all day long was just in one of those nasty mood-hard-ass!. You could had said the sky was blue n she would tell u it was black! I mean every little thing I suggested would just back-fired to where I just quit talking. Hubby notice it too when we went out to eat. I finally let her know the next day that she is welcome. I let her know that I went out of my way to buy her another shirt just like the one she has that she has worn for 4-days straight that I had bought as well. That it was the only medium size they had left as i dug into piles in the kids department. That she is welcome that I went to the grocery store while she was at the church n got her some fresh milk, mac-n-cheese n her cola n etc..., That I washed all her clothes and had them ready before she got back from church. She finally said, "you do a lot for me." Silently in my head you could hear "yes! She realize that I do a good bit just for her for at least those first 5minuets before she forgets.
At least she quit being a hard-ass for that day. Today was a much better day. i treated her out to Zaxby's n we piddle around getting pet stuff. I hope everyone else has a good day tommorow. Hopefully, that hurricane don't come through GA or at least be a little one. I think its going to eat Fl where my family lives so I am trying to keep posted on it.
I know I am going to hear 'oh oh oh oh oh" in my sleep, or ' you just don't know how bad it hurts', or ' no, I'm not hungry", or, or, or, anything else that sounds like fingernails down a blackboard...... I can say that after hearing all week how bad M feels, I finally sat down with her today and said... " you are tougher than this.... you had two babies....and you lived... two tiny incisions that had to be closed with one stitch each is NOT having a baby..... you WILL stand up long enough for me to bathe your bottom.... you smell, you are going to get a rash, and if you were the caregiver of someone acting like this what would you say to them....?????" She stopped all her damned drama, only took one pain pill this afternoon, and had a mini stroke when she saw how many hours I was with her this week..... I even went and got her purse and pen to write that check , that was one double trip down the hall I didn't mind at all....
S is totally thrown out of kilter with all this extra stuff going on, too many people in the house, too much time spent with M.... trying to help and being told to move.... he got pissy with me a few times today..... and that is when I started laughing..... I have been there 12 hours a day, running myself to death between the two of them.... trying to make calls that the daughter dumped on me... getting the room ready for the hospital bed, blah blah blah... so here is S, in stage 6 of Alz, and getting mad at me.... who has become a fall risk in the past month, and I won't let him hold the monitor with the leads going into M's back.... I felt like I was a kindergarten teacher today.... no, I was working in a juvenile detention center....
Later, I'm going to go lay down for afew mintues.....
I also read your post about your experience about therapy yet, have u tried on-line places like the one Bookworm mention? It may be worth a shot. Just be careful at some of those other sites. Who knows, u may have not found just the right therapist that actually understands about 'self inflcting' for you yet ? So, don't give up on the therapist just yet.
It is ashame how people can be so mean to other people when they don't understand that person's whole situation. I have seen it from people whom sterotype about homeless people when I use to be able to volunteer.
As for asking for help here online, you are NOT a burden to any of us!
Of course like Ladee mention, 'we r not not Dr's... not professional anything... except in being human...." Everyone has problems,experiences, n a sense of humor to keep going on throughout the day. Everyone situation is different n unique. Your situation fits right on in with all of us for you are a caregiver too. All the more reason to get on here n spill your guts and laughter too, for that way maybe someone else can give some tips. Btw,thanks for throwing out that tip that you found out about blackberries & gastrointestinal problems. : )
But as an adult, when I don't want to socialize - not even with my fave sis or to see her grandkids - it's Depression. I get soooo tired with the parents, the constant argument (or power play - jump when I tell you attitude from parent), etc.. That I just don't want to meet people, smile (when I'm not in the mood for it), and make talk (when I'm not interested in the topic and just want to crawl in my bed, hide under the blanket and just SLEEP.)
So, it could also be exhaustion from caregiving. You just need a little Me-Time to energize yourself. Yeah, Smitty, we all go through that once in a while.
Thanks for the other suggestions as well. For now, I'm trying to be brave and just let her call me when she wants. I don't want to interrupt even an ounce of sleep that she may get. In my toolkit, I have a blanket that my great-grandma made, a sweatshirt, some crayons/coloring books, word searches, a CD, a nice smelling candle, and some other odds and ends. For the record, I didn't self-harm at all yesterday. :D
Bookworm, I'm sorry that you had to go through so much at the hospital. It sounds exhausting and a little unnecessary. I'm not sure what tests they gave my mom. I know she had a catscan, but as of 10am this morning, they still haven't discussed the results with her.
A month or so ago, she was looking at the underside of a chair and when she pulled it back down into its regular position, it hit her on the head above her eyebrow. She had a nice bruise and a small cut. I think that's what the doctors are going off of, thinking she might be experiencing reprocussions after hitting her head.
I actually do think back a lot to all the compliments I've gotten here. They've really helped me when I'm feeling bad about myself.
Smitty, I know what you mean about not having enough energy to socialize. There are times when I don't answer the phone or dread going with a family friend to run errands, because I just don't have it in me to be "there" mentally, you know. You sound like an introvert to me. I think that's just how we are naturally.
I think the only things I've been putting off are cleaning the heck out of the house, being able to exercise freely, and maybe taking a bubble bath. I haven't done that in ages.
In the meantime you have the freedom to take s respite break. Is there any activity you've been postponing because of your caregiving role?
Jam, thank you. I don't feel like I'm a good daughter - maybe because I may be physically a good daughter. But my thoughts are soooo not from a good daughter. Constant struggle when people praise me and when I know inside I hate this life. Sorry...depression is trying to rear it's head! Deep breath...thank you...
Ladee, if you're going to end up with 2 serious patients...I think you need to re-arrange your game plan. Or else you will run yourself ragged, exhausted, bitter and losing your temper. Figure out the game plan but no need to implement it yet. When the time comes, that's when you will do it. For now, you're still handling it fine.
Peach ..breathe and rest. We r here for you.
Jam..burned sugar ... I do what Austin does but in larger quantity.. Cup of water cup of sugar in microwave..then add three more cups of cold water so I don't have to wait for it to cool....ready made is easy though!
Seeme..don't pluck those babies clean! Love the story
Stormy..glad u had a good time
Second time I went was for severe lower left abdominal pain. I had urine, blood, cancer tests and catscan done. I think the ER does all these tests to try to find the problem. I call it "fishing". Let the hospital do what needs to be done. But if you have any extra info that they need to know,then it's important that you inform the doctor.
My mom went to the ER and stayed in the hospital for 3 days. They ran all these tests and xrays. They were going to release mom without finding the problem. My dad asked the doctor if they even given her a urine test to see if she had bladder or urinary infection. Tada! It came out as positive. All those expensive procedures done, spent 3 days in the hospital, and they didn't even test her for those infection. Do you think the doctor tested your mom for this????
Also, Peach, you know those 2 compliments given to you? It must be very obvious how good you are caring for your mom. Despite this setback - you are doing great. Have you written these compliments in your memory journal? I would love to do that. So, when I feel down or panicky, I would re-read it to help me keep things in perspective. Depression is like that (talking about my struggle with depression). My whole focus is on the negatives, that's why I need positives to balance it out or overcome it. This site offers so much positives and advice to be pro-active. Keep your head together and develope a plan of action regarding your mom. Write it down if you need to for focus. Maybe this will help you from panicking. Take care!
Cat, loved the dog in baby carriage story, laughed til I cried! Going to read this one to my whole family, sibs n all! thx
Ladee: reread baby carriage dog story-it will get ur day started off better Friday.
Luv n hugs to all, kimbee
Dad had a couple drs appts this week- they said everything looked fine.
He goes monday for a ct scan with his new lung dr. sis is going to see if he will just draw the fluid off of his chest sometime and hold off on the procedure where they have to go and get a biopsy of the pleural lining. So that is where we are with dad right now.
Burned- happy birthday i hope you had a good one!
Vic- sorry to hear that your dad isn't doing to good. You are in my prayers.
Ladee-Try to keep your sanity sweetie. Don't know how you do it.
Jam- Glad that target is improving and sorry the col is still in her own little world.
Seemee- I know them pups are keeping you busyyyyyyyyy....
I know i am forgetting people just know that my prayers are with all of you. Love and hugs stormyyyy
The hospital isn't being very helpful though according to her. She said they're running test after test to see if something else is wrong, even though they've been told that she's just exhausted. She said she keeps falling asleep and is unresponsive, so they yell at her to wake up, because they want HER to tell them what's wrong with her. I'm irritated even though I know they're just doing their job.
I'm also very anxious and on the verge of a panic attack. I couldn't go with her to the hospital and I don't have any way to get up there now. I'm worrying to death that maybe there is something more wrong with her, even though it makes more sense that she's just exhausted. It's true, she hasn't slept in the past 1.5 weeks. She's lucky if she gets 2 hours of sleep a day. She's probably dehydrated as heck because of her colitis, too. Possibly she's anemic again as well. I've got perfectly logical reasons, but my mind keeps saying, "What if it's a brain tumor? What if it's cancer? What if, what if, what if?"