This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Went to Walmart this morning and the first thing on my list was hummingbird nectar! No more making my own.....I'm too dangerous. And yes, the house still has the faint odor of "burned beyond recognition"........I cried when I ordered a replacement saucepan, there is NO cleaning this one, it was from a complete set that my deceased sil had given us when we got married.......not because of sentimentality but because Emeril sure is proud of his line of cookware!!!!!! But, by golly the hummingbirds are happily tanking up for their forthcoming trip to Mexico!
The col seems to be sleeping a lot more and likes to go back to bed after meals....just another step in the journey.
Hope it's been a wonderful day for all...........
Linda: Wow, glad your mom's reaction was so pleasant. I hope it stays that way and she can feel relieved of a burden that was weighing her down.
As all of us dog owners know, one of the great side benefits to having a dog is all the people you meet when walking your pooch. It is a common bond that makes a total stranger stop and share their joy at seeing your pet. Often they will share about their beloved pet that passed away and get tears in the process. Sure breaks down the barriers.
My mom use to have a little dog named Tippi. She and my Grandmother would dress it up in baby clothes (bonnet and all), put it in a baby carriage and push the carriage down the street. People would glance into the carriage and give a little gasp at the hairy faced infant tucked under the receiving blanket. Then they would start to laugh their asses off. This would make Tippi show her teeth and growl at them. Crazy dog stayed on her back in that carriage, head on pillow and never moved, but she hated to be laughed at.
Burned: Happy Birthday.
Ladee: You have got your hands full. Take care of yourself.
Hugs, Cattails
Vic, sorry to hear dad is doing so badly. I just thought things had gotten better for him lately. Giving you bunches of hugs.
Linde...my condolences for your loss. I still feel my mom's presense in this house. Two days ago my hubby took some of his banana bread to the hospice facilty where my mom was. They made that big of an impression on him. I overheard him telling a riend on the phone and I could hear the crack in his voice when he was talking about it......and in a couple of weeks, it will be one year. It set me to crying all over again.
I don't really have any Dyna/Harley stories to tell. We are all getting used to the routine, especially Dyna............on every evening walk, she has to shit on the road. I even walk them around the backyard beforehand and it doesn't matter. Kathy (my neighbor/friend/adopted sister/ mom's P-T caregiver) walks Harley cause it embarrasses her to stand there while Dyna finishes, and she won't pick it up. Dyna poops like a big dog already, too. Harley just goes around dah dee dum dum.....wish I could think of the cartoon dog he reminds me of....which way did he go, which way did he go. Today they are so precious when they sleep, that it brought back one of my childhood behaviors. When I was young, I sucked on the first finger of my left hand and with my right I would pick at something soft. One time I was sitting in the back of the car and mom had just picked up some cleaning.....a blue knit dress with a small white collor around the high neck. When we got home from wherever we were, I had fallen asleep, finger in mouth, and plucked a bald spot on the collar of her dress. I remember her screaming. I could have plucked those dogs today till they looked like Ladee's chicken!!!! Their fur is so cottony soft!! One of the neighbors came running out of her house last night to get some puppy loving. Dyna just mauled her with face kisses and the lady just let her. We only get subdivision traffic and very little at that, so everyone has to stop and comment, so our walks are stop and go.
Ladee, hang in there, girl. Have your hours changed again? What are you working a day? No wonder you are physically and emotionally exhausted when you get home. Wish you could take something stronger for the pain once in a while.
Peach...you got some good advice and I hope you will use it. We are all pulling for you.
Jam almost burns the house down...........trying to make JAM?
About time for the walk......gotta put a poop bag in my pocket...................
Momskeeper, welcome. I'm glad you found this place and that you got a little humor out of all the funny stories people tell. Soon enough you'll be looking forward to all the stories Beckncall53 has about her silly dog, Lily! Things are hard for us all, but we've got each other here. We're all in it together.
JessieBelle, it definitely isn't going to get lost. Everyone is very attentive here. Say what you need to say. You'll always find words of encouragement and an ear, if you need to vent. I'm sorry so many things are going on at once in your life. Sometimes it's just all too much, isn't it? Just one thing after another. Come here though and talk about it, if you feel so inclined.
My mom fell again last night. I was asleep when I woke up to hear calling me. Nothing alarming, just thought she needed something. I go into the living room and there she is, lying on the floor, partially wrapped around the legs of her bedside commode. We had to call the paramedics to get her up this time. She thinks she reinjured her broken rib.
Her doctor called me back yesterday and was a little concerned about what I told him. He thinks the steroids are the problem, so he wants her to decrease them from 40mg to 20mg. Thank goodness. I'll be so glad when she's off those damn things for good. They're nothing but trouble.
My mom needed her lift chair fixed today, so John, the man who normally fixes her chair and that we know fairly well, came over. He had it fixed in no time. He's the second person this week to tell me I was doing a good job and to keep my chin up. He's a caregiver to his mother, too. It's weird. Two people in one week; heck, in three days!
Jam...burning sugar on the stove smells as bad as burning popcorn in the microwave...n it takes days to get the smell out of the house!! How do i kno this??? Bcuz that is the extent of my cooking experience..lol...love u, Jam
Jessie...U go right ahead n have that "pity party"...if i knew where u were, i'd pull up n chair n join u..Bring ur broken heart here....we'll help u mend it...hope to see u here again...hang in there...ur not alone.....hugs to u
Cat..ur lunch plans with dad sound great....i have lunch plans with my mom n dad, also, today...but i can't bring Lily...boo hoo!! I hope u enjoy ur visit n i hope dad is getting along well....much love, Cat
Ladee.....Oh, dear Ladee....i dont even kno where to begin in regards to ur hell day, yesterday....Sounds like u r, definately, reaching the end of that rope, n headed straight for the noose......Ur days with S n M sound exhausting, n i can certainly understand why ur patience is wearing thin....Im sry it was such a rough day n im really sry that u came home in such pain that u had to go thru the "chinese ice torture" routine....My house is only 1700 sq. ft. , n i get exhausted jst going from the living room to the bedroom, ONCE!!! If u dont have ice packs tied to ur hands wen u get home...let us kno how the day went......LYL...bunches n bunches
Doggy update of the day.....went out to my garden this morning.....damn birds r eating all my cherry tomatoes, n those f-n aphids r destroying all the mint....so....guess who's back for a visit???? that's right...my grandson(the dog..lol).....Lil Ass-hole....n he has my blessing to play "Catch" with his feathered friends....n they're those annoying crows, so he can have at it, that is if the crows dont get to him first....they're mean lil bastards.... As for the aphids....Lily jst loves to snap them right out of the air.....she going to have a busy day. I will be joining the fight with some pesticide spray that i plan on connecting to a f-n fire house n blasting the entire yard.....Good times....good times! Gotta get the troops in place before my lunch date with the parentals.....wish us luck!
Seeme....im missing Dyna n Harley stories....Hell.....clip a weave on those pups n send us a pic....im goin thru withdrawals over here.....love ya, girl
Jessie: I don't know why so many things have to happen at the same time. Sending you some white light and hope for a better week.
Hubby and I will be having a private lunch with my dad today. Taking cheese burgers and our two dogs.
Cat
Burned..you don't know unless u try..
Momskeeper..welcome!
Beck..it is a hard road to see our parents changing and in pain and suffering..you are a wonderful daughter and will keep their spirits up.
Ladee Lou..my thoughts are with you..my gosh what a day! Hope it is a better one today.
Notlike..how weird dads appt go?
For me..dad is not doing good at all. Talked to hospice nurse the other day about dad .. He is so out of it mind and body. The dr. Put him back on decadron..hopefully this will help especially if there is still edema in brain around tumor. Pray in a few days he will perk up a bit. Right now he can't even feed himself..he is so rigid and cant communicate. He looks like he is in another place.
Mom is such a trooper staying stong as she sees her hubby in decline.
One day at a time..
My mother has been feeling very sad that my brothers don't pay more attention to her. But then, she ignored them for so long that getting ignored back just seems natural to me. She made this bed for herself. I am just sorry that I am having to lie in it, too. It has been a discouraging week. So much to do and I feel too heartbroken to do it.
beck thank you for the kind words but it's you wonderful friends who make this thread work and stay alive. I have so loved to read each and every one of you who have come to visit......some have passed through, some have pulled up a chair to stay and all have offered something for the rest of us.
ladee....when you were talking about M wanting to give it up, it reminded me of the times the col would start in on her "I just want to die" tirade. The look on her face the first time I snapped back at her was priceless! I'd had enough and told her "fine, let's do it then, how are we going to do it......pills or shall we make this faster?" She didn't do it much after that.
seeme.......I know you are busy with the babies but pop in when you can find the time to tell us Harley and Dyna stories.
notlike......hope things are getting back to normal with you...or as normal as can be
momskeeper....welcome and glad you have joined us. I had forgotten about some of the early posts here........wait until you read about wearing antlers and scaring our charges......:)
burned.......you've been hoping for the teacher's aide job for quite a while now....how soon before you hear something about the position? It would be good to get out while the kids are in school and is there someone who will stay with your husband? With his seizure disorder he shouldn't be left alone. It sounds like he is having periods of status epilepticus so he really should have someone there.
peach.....following your progress and sending you big hugs!
bookworm.....you are just full of all kinds of helpful advice.....love reading your voice here and what a terrific daughter you are!!!!!
cat.....glad you had a nice time at your granddaughter's wedding. You will have to tell us all about it.
I sure hope I haven't overlooked someone.....my mind has been in space lately....it's not intentional.
Yesterday morning I put a pan on the stove with water and sugar to make hummingbird food....I'm out of the ready-made....yep, got involved with trying to figure out why my email won't open and the next thing I know Target is yelling at me that something is on fire! Water and sugar burned to a crisp really makes a gross mess.....I'm still scrubbing on the pan. The house was filled with nasty smoke, so had to air that out. Today have to check all the smoke alarms....not a single one went off. And my email still won't work, so spent the better part of yesterday changing to a new one and notifying every place I deal with of the new address.....what a gigantic pain in the butt!!!!
Target is getting better and the col is still in her own little world of confusion. I'm going to see her today and take her a vanilla shake.
Sending hugs and love to you all and hope you can find a little "peace" of today just for YOU.
I was thinking yesterday that I don't even deserve to be on the same sight with all of you who are caring for TWO....Yesterday was a nightmare...... between M being in bed after her 'wire implant', and S rearranging the furniture, I thought I was going to cry before I got out of the door.... and I get to leave, ya'll don't... so many extra prayers went up yesterday for those of you who are taking care of two...... I know I reached another level of compassion and empathy yesterday.....
They live in a very large house.... so the gazillion trips down the hall and sometimes dragging S on his walker with me to keep him out of stuff while I was tending to M, had me in major pain last night....that old leg that my last charge broke, was telling me how old I am getting, how I damned well had better loose a pound or two from all the walking....Ice packs every twenty minutes.... what sadist thought that one up?????
Not every 30 minutes which would have been easier to keep an eye on the clock.... noooooooo, I am setting there counting by 5's to see when my next trip down the hall was going to be... and OMG M is spoiled...... hearing my name so many times yesterday made me want to tell her all my freinds call me Ladee..... but no way was I going to ruin that for myself.....
Hearing her contradictions of how much pain she was in, depending on who she was talking to... for me, she knew to tell me the truth, I know I was starting to get that 'look' on my face... ya know, that one that says, "I'm too tired for this sh*t"... so she'd tell me the truth... her son.... OMG, the drama, " I am hurting all over, I just want to give up".... took everything I had not to stick my finger down my throat.....but also told him that was purely for his benifit..... He's not there all the time, lives in a different city, so he can afford to come in and ta-ta her, while I am daring her to NEED ice in her glass as I am getting S off the end table where he insists on setting....and keeping in mind there is 15 miles of hallway between the two of them..... He finally sent me home, possibly the shoulder and eye twitch was a sign I'd had enough for one day.....
Vickie Vick, I really thought about you yesterday.... knowing M thinks the sun rises and sets on her son while it is the daughter that is being run ragged.....she was another one with a few twitches yesterday.... I think he 'got it' he'd walked into a mine feild of women on the edge....
Of course S is totally thrown of schedule with all this, so he was a handful yesterday.... he will stand 5 feet away from the chair you are asking him to set on... just stand there..... usually I have the patience to just keep edging him toward the chair.... yesterday, it was " SIT DOWN'......my bucket was empty yesterday, had no more patience to use.....
Notlike, thought about you yesterday too, but M's anitdepressants have kicked in, so she wasn't like she would have been a month ago....You know, your mom's sister!!!!! IF she had used that 'old' tone of voice on me yesterday, I would be looking at jail time for abondonment...... would appreciate the confines of a small cell and someone else doing the damned cooking......
So, I head toward the future today, like groundhog day, and do the same boring sh*t all over again.... I pray all the furnature is where I left it.... that M doesn't want the damned ice packs today.... and I am going to set down and read the paper this morning...... with my fingers in my ears, my eyes closed, saying LALALALALA really loud.... well, I'll eventually open my eyes to read the paper....
Love ya, appreciate you more everyday.... so HOOOOO RAHHHHHH, for caregivers the world over.......
Well I must get to bed or I will be grumpy tomorrow. I have to be honest, I had a good laugh over some of your letters. They made me realize I don't have it so bad after all.
I am beat again tonight... will try to get caught up tomorrow.... love and hugs...
His life was consumed by his career, at the sacrifice of his children.....a regret that haunts him, terribly, to this very day..As i was looking around, i noticed a piece of paper with some writing on it that was unrecognizable to me...As i look more closely...it was my dad's handwriting...He had,apparently, been trying to practice writing his name as well as the name of the business that my husband n i own.....I fell apart, on the spot...I realized that he was trying to recapture the strength n control that his penmanship use to convey.....but, it is now just fractured letters, that convey his weakness n longing to regain the man he once was.....all this, i could understand, from a piece of paper with dad's attempt to write his own name...
What i have learned, with the advice n guidance from the extraordinary women on this site, it that i must accept the man that sits before me now, as my dad...n get to kno him differently..I kno, now, that i will never see the father that raised me, again. I have come to accept that, although, it saddens me everyday. I have learned to live in dad's world n to embrace him for all the things that his world has to offer...He still teaches me so many things about this life, even thru this horrible disease. He will always b my teacher, n, i, forever , his student..Wat im trying to say to u is, don't expect that mom will "get better"....she will certainly have better days than others, n those days will give u hope that things may change, but the harsh reality is, they will not. Enjoy mom to the fullest ur heart can hold wen she's having a good day, n on the days wen she is struggling, n may b at her worst....u have to learn to b in her world....she will never be able to fully b in urs....i dont mean to be negative....i jst want u to understand that mom's condition will continue to deteriorate, jst as my dad's will, n the sooner u accept that fact, the better for both of u. There is no question that ur situation is extremely difficult, n the stress it places upon u r overwhelming....but, don't add to it by spending ur energy hoping that things may "reverse" with mom....they will only fast forward.....im sorry....i kno those r harsh words....but this life is not meant to b easy for any of us...n ,we often don't want to hear the truth..we prefer to live in a space of denial.....Enjoy mom wenever those moments present themselves....jst as u did the other nite in watching tv with her n showing her Youtube videos.....those will b the memories that sustain u wen the time comes to let my go.....I have many memories that will sustain me about dad....n i will cherish every one of them.....but we both r blessed to still have r parent with us.....no matter the physical or mental condition....U n i were placed in the position as caregivers for a very specific reason.....not jst bcuz there r no other family members there to help, but bcuz it takes a special person, capable of showing sensitivity, compassion, empathy, patience, n, most importantly, an ability to love without boundaries or limitations......u, sweet girl...r that person....n in order to take on this responsibility, u must b healthy within urself,
in order to give mom the best care possible, which is wat she deserves... As my dad's caregiver, i have learned that i can not b selfish anymore....which means, i cannot sink deeper into my own addiction n pop pills to escape my reality....i owe my father 100% of myself...everyday...he has been my rehab...he has saved my life.....Let ur mom do the same for u.....As a mother.....it would b her greatest joy to kno that u r healthy n strong before she leaves this earth..Forgive me, if i have crossed a line of any kind, with u.....Please kno that i share these things with u bcuz i care so much about u....u've become my cyber-daughter, so to speak...hope that's alright with u....Stay strong for mom....stay strong for u.....u're worth more than u realize......i love u, sweet girl......HUGE HUGS
I don't know what's wrong with my mom but something is. Lately, she can't sit up straight. She constantly leans further and further over, as if she's falling asleep. She says she's awake, but I can't tell. She paid the bills over the phone earlier and kept leaning so far over that she knocked over the TV tray that was in front of her 3 times. She was practically face down on the tray before it tipped over. At one point, she said to me, "Where's mom?" I asked her what she was talking about and she got irritated and said, "Where's MOM?" I told her, "Mom, she's passed away now," to which she said irritatedly, "I know that." I asked her about that later and said she she couldn't remember where her mom was, where she was buried, and got really anxious and started to panic.
She can barely see. I swear it's due to the damn steroids that the doctors insist she takes, even though they aren't doing anything good for her! She used to have such beautiful cursive, but lately she's been writing in print or in all capital letters. She addressed a letter to my dad in jail and wrote our zip code down incorrectly. I don't know what's up; whether it's some sort of delirium due to the steroids or because she's so incredibly exhausted. I asked her if they doctors are weening her off the steroids, but she says she doesn't know or won't know until she sees one of them during her next appointment. I called the doctor and spoke to a nurse, who said she'd have the doctor call me back sometime today.
I feel like she's not even my mom anymore. She's thinner, she's anxious and confused, crying all the time. I mean, sometimes she's okay, sometimes she's not. We watched a TV show last night, I showed her funny animal videos on Youtube, and told her some terribly corny jokes and she was normal. It scares me. I'm scared she'll never get better. I worry that she won't be okay when it's time for me to go visit my fiancé for his surgery. She even fell again yesterday just trying to do to much and lost her balance. What if I hadn't been there?
We're talking about getting her one of those Life Alert type things for when I go, but we haven't actually looked into it too much yet. It's something I definitely want to get though. Better safe than sorry.
Ladee: A big hug and belated Happy Birthday to you. Save your pennies and try to get some rest where you can. Sounds like you will be working a ton of hours.
Peach: You've gotten great advise here, so I won't add anything. Just want to say that in spite of your depression and other issues, you are an amazingly bright young woman. You really are. Keep working on that tool kit and trust that you can over come the compulsion to self harm. You are stronger than you can imagine. Kimbee gives you excellent advise. Stay with us and keep posting.
Notlike: Big hugs to you. I loved your imaginary anniversary trip. We've taken quite a few of those over the past 7 years.
LindaMS: Glad you had a productive couple of days and are feeling more at peace with all that is on your plate.
Vic: I am so hoping things settle down for you now and that your dad will continue to improve. Hopefully, no set backs and smoother sailing for as longs as possible.
Seeme: Hugs the puppies for me. We picked up our 2 dogs yesterday am from the boarding place. They were fine.
I'll write more later. Got to go to a care meeting. Hugs to all, Cat
I went to the bank yesterday after that meeting with my POA documents, and registered them so that I am now legally exercising those duties. Mom's bank card has been "captured" by the bank, and a new one for her account was issued to me for use as POA. Mom will not have access to her money except through me. The bank told me that had I continued to carry moms card around, and use it, or if I had lost it or had it stolen, I would have been held liable for any loss mom incurred as a result of that, since only the cardholder is supposed to have it.
I found myself to be very happy after all that was done. I think what I was feeling was relief that a decision had been made, and that my role is now more "official". It was very empowering when the doctor said "you should continue to be in charge of everything". Daunting, but at least my efforts were recognized.
You've come to the right place...there are a lot of compassionate caregivers here waiting to support you.
Has your mom always been this demanding? Like another post said, as hard as it is you must start setting boundaries. I know how difficult it is because my mother calls 4-5 times a day and goes on and on about herself.
I encourage you to keep informing us of your situation. Lots of good ideas. Do you have a hobby? Maybe you feel like you don't have time for it. Whatever helps you to focus on YOU is a good thing even if its a bubble bath.
You're doing a great job and like all of us you are inly human. Give yourself a pat on the back
Mom29, I'm an introvert. When I was 22, I walked around with my head down and can barely look at people in the eyes. I only talked when spoken to. And even then, it was the shortest answer possible. Since both parents are bedridden in the livingroom, I have been sleeping in the livingroom too. I so understand how your introvert is starving for alone time. Although my sis thinks spending quality time with me is encouraging, sometimes, I just want to tell her that I WANT to go eat breakfast by myself and then go shopping by myself. I sure miss that too. I don't tell sis this because this is her way of encouraging me and so, I go with the flow.
Cat, I'm glad you're back. You sound so happy and energized! Good for you!
Ladee, ha! You are having family drama. I wonder how that's going to turn out? I would be saving like crazy, too. Actually, I do save but not as much as I should. Don't we all?
Dad just reminded me that it's time to change their pampers. Gotta go. FYI, it's rainy season now. I was driving home with the roads flooded. I drive a Corolla - not high enough for these floods. I saw 2 cars stalled from the flooded road. I have always been afraid of driving. I was soooo stressed from driving in almost dark weather, heavy rain and flooded roads. I suddenly felt this whooshing feeling going up from my body to my head, I got sooo lightheaded and heart palpitation. Sigh...I hate driving!!! My car almost died close to home. Darn! Tomorrow morning, my brakes will be awful. I'm going to have to spend 5-10 minutes just driving forward and backward to heat up the brakes or else it will keep locking. Before I drive on the road... It always does this when I go through flooded waters. Don't know if this is normal or not...Later and good night.