The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

Peach, while I was still alert lastnight while surfing the net on self-harm, you are sooo correct about how the medical community treats you people who do self-harm. My goodness, one lady was injured and the ER doctor figured that since she's self-harming, that there was No Need to numb the area that had to be stitched! There was a Lot of medical horrors done to you people! And this is from the medical community?! I can understand like normal people like us (who are not medically trained) who thinks that people who self-harm are suicidal (which by the way, you guys are NOT.) I'm now so curious about that recoveryourlife site! I'm just soooo curious on what you all have to face from this...It's too bad that there's really not much public information on it ..especially since this is mostly done by teens. But if you never overcame it as a teen, it follows you into adulthood.

I'm so proud of you, Peach for being pro-active! I'm so glad that the nurse praised you. My family never ever compliments me for caregiving the parents. It's like ...it's my job to do it and so they don't need to compliment me on it. I get MOST (like 99.9%) of the compliments and encouragement from this site. I think that's what's keeping those suicidal thoughts in the back of my mind and not upfront where I can dwell on it.

Congrats on those 2 days of Not doing it! We're all rooting for you Peach. Take care! Hugs to You!!!

Peach, here on this sight, we help people, plain and simple.... and we are always dealing with mental health issues... if not ourself,, then with our charges.... so there are many here that would let you know how we deal with our stressors.... always keeping in mind we are not Dr's... not professional anything... except in being human... we've got some awesome women on this sight that have come up with some wonderful coping skills....but we are human, we hurt, we get confused, we laugh, we cry, we wrestle with our own demons, for lack of a better term....so if this is comfortable for you, let us know.... and we are all VERY happy to hear you have two days and counting..... and that you are doing things to get mom some help....it was good to hear how much you are doing.... we may not have all the answers, but collectively we all have a lot of experiance...
I'm sorry, I have to get ready for work.... I won't be back on here until later this evening.... if I have a brain cell left, I'll check in to see what's going on with everyone....

Kim, NC.... hmmm, that's where my Seeme Sue lives.... and don't mess with Texas girl... fireants are here to keep the Yankee's away....!!!!! Occasionaly we step on their home and get reminded Nature has it's place... tho those little bastards got soaked with ant spray.....

It's getting a little cooler, I may get to hit the backroads soon and do some serious rock hunting.... this week is going to be a loooooong one....but as I said, if I am going to loose my job, I'll be putting my pennies in my Longhorn Bank, we don't use pigs here !!!!!!!!

So, I'll check in later. Love, hugs and angels....

Peach, I hope you at least try going on the internet and try the ...recoveryourlife.com.... It's a site, similar to this that you can go on and interact with people who are going through or experienced what you're going through with the self-harm. They even have a blog if you prefer that.

At least if you do this, it can help you without paying for the therapy. From what I read, there is a 70% success rate of people overcoming self-harming.

Kimbee, we have a small bus service here, but it doesn't go far. It's really of no use unless I want to hitch a ride to the mall. I don't believe there is any local mental health center around here, other than in-patient facilities.

That's a good idea about the tool kit. I've been meaning to put together a binder with all my self-help information in it and keep it in my self-soothe box.

I also like your idea about asking others here how they handle certain emotions. I don't want to be a bother though, and don't know if it'd be appropriate or just annoying. I don't want to be a burden. So many people here have it much worse than I do.

I just became active again, about a week ago. I do high-impact exercise for an hour 5 times a week. I said earlier that it doesn't help me much, but I think it does a little. It gives me a place to focus my energy outward and a place to escape and just focus on my body. I don't suddenly became perky and happy, but it takes the edge off and makes my feelings a little bit more manageable, I guess.

I'm familiar with the website that was mentioned earlier, but had forgotten about it. I'm taking a look at it now. I'm also active on a few other support sites for all of my issues. It doesn't always give me answers or solutions, but it gives me a place to go when I need someone to relate to.

Kimbee...im so happy that Lily has brought some laughter to mom....that makes my heart soar....really...
As for the lasagna....i kno that it is already made, but, like i said....i STILL need someone to make it for me....in my world...putting pre-made food in the oven is still considered cooking...lol......see......i'm spent!!!.....love ya

Peach, you are welcome. I am proud to hear you did well yesterday and today: High five! Good for you for using DBT tools that is a good thing, but is better if you get that ongoing access to support and redirection/reminder of tools you can use. Is there a bus service available? Can you get any transportation services from your county Social Services? Many receive block grant funds and some are often set aside for transportation assistance. Do you have access to a community mental health center? Many are now required to offer access for best practice therapies, of which DBT is considered to be one. I am encouraged for you that you have accomplished a time of success, that tells me you can do this again. Until you get set up for pro help, I'd suggest you write on some heavy paper each individual tool you know how to use, and consider that your "tool kit" Each time you are struggling, remind yourself to use the tools you have available in your tool kit to reel yourself back into a better state.

You said: "From self-injury I get release. In all the years that I was in therapy, no one taught me how to channel my emotions in a healthy manner." I would suggest that should be the focus of your therapy, as that is where your solutions will be found. And of course avoiding self injury, as you know that is not a healthy manner for channeling your emotions. I would suggest that you share here what emotions you are struggling with, and ask people on this thread how they have learned to handle the same emotion in a healthy way. Of course this is a non pro support group that is not focused on your issue specifically, but it seems that people would be willing to share how they handle different emotions in a healthy manner, if you keep reaching out in a solutions oriented way. Keep a list of the emotions that make you feel a need for that unhealthy release and start by asking about the one that seems to happen with the most frequency. You may recognize a pattern as you begin to write down what is happening preceeding your desire to get that release. I havent' done DBT in a long time, don't remember which tool this is, I'm sure there was one. My books are packed away. Are you able to identify the emotions and label them? I had patients who liked the wise mind tool, but I can't remember what it entailed. I think you have taken a good step to begin seeking help with caregiving issues here. It can be so overwhelming and isolating and there is a ton of valuable experience here. One healthy way of channeling emotions is to become more physically active; could you get to a Y, or get punching bag? or find some kids to engage in some fun pillow fights? Play pick up basketball in your neighborhood? Or take a walk outside for ten minutes when you feel upset? Or half an hour every day. I don't remember exactly what your mom's physical condition is, but when my mom isn't steady on her feet, I try to engage her in "balloon volleyball" from a seated position. It is good for her, and gets me moving more than I thought it would, since I am the one chasing the balloon all over the room. Plus, it's fun! I hope you have a good day tomorrow and can add another day of success. Can you look up the websites mentioned earlier? You may find some great resources without leaving home. I hope no one else here minds that I addressed this with Peach, if you do, please let me know; don't want to upset anyone or get kicked off of my lifeline. Disclaimer: I am not offering any professional advice or medical advice, simply sharing my experiences with these issues, only. If you have these problems, you should always seek professional care and advice. There now. Good night.

Kimbee, thanks for your advice. I've been depressed since I was 13, so for 9, almost 10 years now. I've been to more therapists than I can count. I've been on more medication than I can even remember. The therapists that I've seen in the past didn't help; probably because they specialized in basic talk therapy or CBT. The medication was a nightmare. It has given me a lot of memory loss; most of my childhood is forgotten. I've never found any drug that helped me.

I'm doing some self-help with DBT right now. I've been reading up on it a lot and practicing some things (like self-soothe boxes, wise mind, etc), but that's all I can do at the moment. As you said, DBT would probably be the most helpful.

From self-injury I get release. In all the years that I was in therapy, no one taught me how to channel my emotions in a healthy manner. I've been cutting and burning since I was 14. That's just my go-to thing. I was actually clean for about 4-5 years before I relapsed last year. I try really hard to find alternatives. Sometimes it just doesn't help enough. I do try though. I was successful yesterday and today though! No self-harm whatsoever. :)

To everyone who offered advice and prayers, thank you. I am being pro-active. Honest to God, I am. I've been emailing and talking to different in-home care organizations and then have been talking to my mom about it. It bothers her a lot and it scares her, but she's on board. She wants to call a few select places tomorrow.

There are a few places in town that I'm interested in. I don't know if we can afford them though. They don't accept her insurance, but I guess they aren't too expensive; about $16-22/hour. One place has a minimum of 4 hours a day, the other 1 hour a day of service. They do everything you could think of, but we really only need help with errands and light housekeeping. There's not much else to do.

About me, there's no way for me to get help right now, to be honest. I'm not able to drive and I can't afford a cab to see anyone. All of the therapists that accept my insurance are too far away to afford cab fare. I don't have any neighbors or family to rely on either.

In case anyone suggests calling a hotline, no way. I did that a few times and it always ended terribly. I never spoke to anyone who was kind at all, always very rude, and was even forced to go to the ER, where I was treated very badly, too. They treat you like a criminal instead of someone who is emotionally broken. I wouldn't call another hotline if you paid me.

My mom has an appointment with a surgeon to discuss surgery to have her colon removed. She wants to have it at the end of September. She's definitely going to have in-home care then, too. She's positive about that.

A nurse came by today to change my mom's unna boots. He's a very nice guy and gave her some odd, but good advice about having a spoonful of seedless blackberry jam after ever BM. He said there's an enzyme in it that helps heal things like gastrointestinal problems and even cancer. I found a helpful article about it, if anyone is ever interested.

For once, you guys, someone actually acknowledged me as a caregiver. Before he left, the nurse looked at me and said, "You're doing a great job." He said he's a caregiver too and knows how hard it is. He looked at me so understanding and sympathetically. I just wanted to hug the hell out of him. I was so glad he said that to me.

Thanks again everyone for your support and advice. I hope everyone has been having a good day. You all do so much for your own family and still have a little left for people here. I look up to you all a lot.

Oh Beckncall (just LOVE your name) I am so happy you posted a pic of Lily; my mom slept all day, but can't wait to show it to her. I read her all the funny doggy posts, including yours about walking Lily with her weave in-she laughed and laughed, thanks for making her day. Now about that lasagna. It's already MADE, you just stick in the oven. The salad greens are all ready to eat in a nice big clam shell package. The bread is right down the isle in 2-paks. It's the easiest dinner ever! They also have the best rotissere chickens of any store around, they have them ready in the evening about 5pm daily. Also a nice mixed fruit salad in a big bowl (same cold a* room as the lettuce) The only hard part about any of this is getting out of costco without overspending! Costco is my caregiver's godsend! No I do NOT work there, I promise.
Ladee: Girl, we will hire you in a red hot minute, and gonna need more help soon. I'd hate for S to be without you, but I promise I would NOT drive you crazy-I'd APPRECIATE you! Sorry the fireants got you. Texas sounds a little harsh- I just know you'd love it up here in NC!

Notlike, I like your solution for Ladee, where do you think they might sell anteaters?

Peach, you have a complex set of circumstances. Self injury enables people to feel a sense of control, but that is sense of control is not really control. You are real, you don't need to self injure to know that you are real, and you can begin to exert some control and self awareness in a more adaptive way. Depressive disorders are often involved and frequently antidepressants can be helpful. Usually SSRI's; NOT benzo's. Many times patients avoid treatment because they believe, or have been told, there is no help for them: that is an outdated concept, don't believe it. I have seen many people gain success in overcoming this and also really learing a new way to live as they actually change who they are. Best results are obtained when you seek care from someone who is specializing in this issue and knows the ins and outs. At the least anyone working with you should help you face and cope more effectively with your reality, help you develop some accountability and help with ideas to problem solve some of the stressors you face. DBT therapy groups could be helpful for you too. Please explore some ways to help yourself; you are getting a lot of support and love here and you have bared your soul. These survivors will still care about you and how you are doing as you take steps to remedy this serious issue. They will cheer you on and celebrate your successess. They will be proud of you. What do you think is holding you back from taking steps to start getting help? What are you getting out of self injury? Can you get that some other way? Being part of your solution, as Ladee pointed out, will help you feel better. It will be hard, but worth it. You are in charge of yourself, and how you handle your stressors. No one else.

Does anyone need a good paid caregiver???? Seems M pushed her daughter over the edge today... so may be looking for work real soon.... my gut has been telling me to save every dime I can..... M went for a procedure today to have a , hell, I don't know what's it's called, worked too many hours today.... that sends a vibration to the nerve for pain management.... she won't even give it a chance...story too long and who cares about the details anyway.... all I know is the daughter is fed up with all the running to Dr after Dr... only to have M not do as the Dr. suggests, or won't take her meds, or what the hell ever it is old people do to drive their children insane...... AND the paid caregiver, because we listen to our charges and listen to the family too..... I just got a raise... and they STILL don't pay me enough.... I know M is going to ask me to 'live in'.... Not no, but hell no..... They couldn't afford me as a live in... and anyway, Jam, Seeme, Vickie Vic and maybe Notlike (don't know if she was around then) listened to me bitch about living in with Ruth.... Ruth was a handful... but I hated her daughter with a vengence....never again .... that's one of the reasons I bought this ratty little house... so I would have my own roof.....
So, I'll keep ya'll updated, and I will be working every hour I can... seems the other two girls are not working out.... daughter was straight up pissed when she called tonight about how they wanted thier shifts..... daughter is not in the mood for 'stupid'... so I told her to give me as many hours as I can do.... save, save ,save...then I will have a few extra dollars left for when I have my nervous breakdown.....
I'll get caught up with ya'll tomorrow, taking my tired stressed ass to bed.... love and hugs...

Sharyn....glad to read u got some answers at the dr. today....I hope things get put in place soon............................ so u can meet me in Manteca...LOL...LOL....Hugs

Cat....Welcome home.....r news journalist is"Back in the house"...lol..
So happy to kno that u had a beautiful time at ur grand-daughters wedding...u must b so proud....im glad u took some time away...hope u feel rejuvenated cuz there's news out there that needs reporting, n only u can do it..lol.....missed ya...hugs

Mom29....i hope u can find some time for urself....outside the walls of ur bedroom.
Hang in there, n, i love ur name...by the way....gives me an idea to change mine to....Momdoormatfor5!!! lol

Kimbee....ur post about ur Cosco dinner has caused me to be in a present state of "drool"....sounds great.....i jst need SOMEONE ELSE to make it for me.....im spent for the day!!!! Hope ur doing well....hugs

Jam.....girlfirend!!!!! it was so great to read ur drive-by.......come out of ur lurking an join the insanity that u created,,,,,lol....lol....u kno i love ya....n my "monkey paw"...as Ladee calls it....is healing well. Ladee warned me that if i start noticing hair growing on it.....call the dr...!! Love n hugs from me....n big, sloppy kisses from Lily...

LYL..!!

Hugs to everyone!!!

Lots to catch up on tonight.
Peach-you are in my prayers. We're all pulling for you...please take another step and reach out to a helpline for yourself.
Sharyn-Sounds like you are making great progress sorting things out.
Cat-glad you had a good time at the wedding.
Welcome to the new posters. Hugs and blessings to you all. You are not alone in your journey anymore.
Ladee-for gosh sakes, you win over Cowboy and then get almost beat by some fire ants?!? LOL I'd send you an anteater if I could :)
Funeral for my friend is all done. Now it's just a mater of going on living. It was wonderful to see so many people turn out. I know it touched his Dad. I was busy almost every minute, but it was worth it. Thank you for the support and hugs.
Going out with a girlfriend for dinner and shopping tomorrow night. Will post how my parents' appt went as soon as I can.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.

I saw my mother's doc today. He said we need to contact APS. Before we do that we are going to an elderly law attorney to make sure that APS isn't going to take away our power to use the DPOA. We acknowledge that mother is incompetent to handle her financial affairs, however, she can still clean her house, wears clean appropriate clothing and uses the microwave to heat up food, feed her dog. Our wish is that she can remain in her home for another year to a year and half with the help of home health care using her long term health care policy. She has to incompetent to use the LTHCP. Also her dr. made a call to the health department to speed up DMV in revoking her license. I hope to have an appt. with the attorney next week and I will update then, my hopes are that what we are going through in regards to California law will help others who may be facing the same situation. Thank you all for the help and support,,,(((hugs))) to everyone!!

Peach, I agree that no one can help you unless you take that proactive role for yourself. You are so young and have a lot on your plate. When you start mention about harming yourself that just makes my heart ache n I wish I was right next to you giving you one big-fat-hug. You are a very strong person for dealing with your mom's health n it seems it has taking a toll on your own health-physically and emotionally. All the more reason you need to see a therapist so they can help you. You never mention what state you live in so we can help you seek some assistance. You mention that the hospital is sending a nurse twice a week and that is a opportunity for YOU to SEEK some Help and see what the nurse can suggest for YOU. Here is the # that you can call 24/7 n it is FREE, from the Alzheimer's organization and its for the CAREGIVER--and that means YOU. 1.800.272.3900 please call and seek some help. You are too young to be handling this all on your own and your such a bright n strong caring person and we don't won't anything to happen to you except good things. Please make that phone call ASAP. It will only get better if you take that step n ask for help. I hope to hear from your next post that YOU have seeked some help and feeling a better soon. You are in my prayers for strength to make that call.

Mom2 9: hang in there! Awful feeling to need to hide in your room. Glad you started meetings w MIL. Dinner must be quite an ordeal at your house with such a big group to feed! I commend you. Can you figure out how to delegate some of the chores? We love our Costco lasagna nights, add salad greens and some Italian bread. Get the kids n MIL fixing some veggies to add to salad, n turning bread to garlic bread: poof-dinner done. Could be the one-hour break that might help u hold on? Hugs, kimbee

I can relate to starving for the alone time as an introvert, I am the same way. Take some need down time!!

I am tapped out. Bombarded and trying not to dwell on it. My introvert is starving for alone time and I am going to have to make myself get up and get moving on dinner. My father-in-law means no harm, but his old man habit is to constantly ask where people are. "Is *she* home now?" She....is me. Then many times repeated. Called my own mom who does not live local and she was busy being judgmental of someone so I lost some patience about that. Ugh. Zombie me hiding in my room. I know there is stuff I need to go and do but I would rather just chill here in my bedroom.

Thank you Austin, I will post a thread when I get back from the doc. It's a great idea and would be helpful to many on here!!

Would it be easier to get Guardianship a friend got it for her husband and it was not hard for her to do -it only took a few weeks-maybe the experts on AC could explain the processes of each-this information will be useful for many who go to AC for advice.

Thank you Ladee! I have an appt. to consult with her doc this afternoon. Hopefully we can brainstorm something. It is a lengthy and costly venture to file for conservatorship, trying to avoid that. I knew that was going to be a very challenging situation given my mother's personality disorder, but she knows the steps needed to be taken because my father had Alzheimer's.

Hello everyone: I've been catching up on all the posts and wanted to say I'm back from the wedding. My Granddaughter was such a beautiful bride. The ceremony was very touching and heartfelt. It was easy to see how much they love each other and I think she picked such a great guy to marry. I'm so proud of her. She is really a lovely young woman. I'll write more later. Got home late last night, picked up the dogs this morning and catching up on things at home.

Just wanted to pop in and say hello. Love to everyone, Cattails

Ladee has great advice when she spends time with her primary or a neurolgist he or she may be able to pick up what is going on with her of course expect her to say everything is fine because elders are very good at trying to hide what is really going on they fear losing their independence but a good doc should be able to ferret out information.

sharyn, would mom go if her doctor recommened it??? Maybe you could try it that way? Get him or her to tell your mom they need these other tests done? Sometimes we have to use our imagination to get them to do things in their best intrest... let us know...

BW.... mercy girl.... you have your hands full.... at least check in and let us know how you are.....

Another early day and long one, so need to get going.... think about you all during my day... lots of love and angels....

BW I hope the two weeks go well for you-you must be doing an excellent to be left alone manning the office-hope you have your sneakers on.

FYI, my bosses will be off-island for 2 weeks. I will be manning the office all by myself - bookg reservations, doing the books, handling walk-ins (which a company just gave 15 of the taxidrivers a $400 gift certificate - one driver down and 14 more to go!), do any deposits, etc....I will definitely be overloaded both at work and home: from Monday to Saturday. So, you may not be hearing much from me for the next weekdays. And if you do, don't be surprise if I sound incoherent..or not making sense. later...

First of all, I found this very easily readable/understandable site about self-harm. I actually liked it! I hope you take the time to just look on it:

Second, Sharynmarie mentioned one of the best online sites for self-harm:

Peach, when you're ready to move on from self-harming,

I'm sorry...I'm really tired and it's only 9pm. I'm going to stop now cuz I need to do tend to parents which will take 2 hours. I can feel myself swaying while typing. Later....

It's scary to have a loved one freaking out and we aren't sure what to do, and they won't answer to let us know what the problem is....Peach, it is hard when you are handling this solo without support in place and the one you should be able to count on bails on you to take a nap....this will make you stronger in the long run, but in the meantime you need to take steps to get some help in this situation so you can take care of you or you won't be good for anyone.

Does anyone have any information on how to get my mother evaluated by a neurologist when she refuses to go. She can no longer handle her finances. I posted a discussion thread but thought some of you on here may know something.

Peach~the above Safe Haven and recoveryourlife.com are online support groups with caring people who are dealing with self harm. You can also get more information from the National Suicide Hotline. Remember dear friend you are loved and help is available so please call the hotline and/or join one of the online support groups. Please let us know how things are going for you♥♥♥!!!

For information regarding self harm/suicide check out National Suicide Hotline 1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-784-2433. Invaluable information and help is available to all who are struggling with these issues.