This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Peach, I will need to research this a bit just so I can have an idea on the self-hurting aspect. I don't know why you do that. When I had migraine headaches as a teenager, I was so frustrated with the pain -even the weight of my hair was hurting my head made me want to bald myself...or get a nail and bang it into my head. Since I knew banging a nail in my head would kill me, and I didn't want to die - instead, I slammed my head against the wall. Let me just say, that was the last time I ever did that!
I won't give you medical advice on this self-hurting thing, but I can research for you and the other poster on a GOOD site that I think would give you the same support as this site - on the self hurting aspect. You both still will need the agingcare.com for your parents help since this site has the experience on this.
Sorry, have to go..time is flying and I don't want to be speeding to work!
Siblings........whatever........sorry, just had my fill of them for the most part. Luckily, I was left in control and to this day, no one has questioned any decision I've made with either of my parents.........not that I was the oldest and it was "my place"......my folks always told me I would be IT. I got SOME help from a couple, but they live 14 hrs away, so it was few and far between, but at least they were there on the phone if needed. Most don't want to deal with it. It puts our own mortality in our faces.
LindaMS......set some boundaries with her now, or you will be burned out by the end of the year, if not sooner..................good luck with that..............
Still lurking..........:)
Lurking....as usual....and just letting you know that I'm thinking of you all...even Lily and her hair extensions....:)
Mom has had 2 surgeries in 2 monts time to release bands of adhesions that were blocking bowel function. Those surgeries went welll, except her BP bottomed out and she was pumped full of fluid to bring it back up. When she peed all that excess fluid out, it lowered her sodium and potassium far too much, which in turn contributed to a severe, sudden onset delirium which put her back in hospital. This delirium has gone on for 2 weeks now. She is obsessive about hygiene, and washes her peri area 4 or 5 times a day, brushes teeth at least that often, and continually wants to go the beauty salon to get hair washed (and says as she exits that they didnt rinse it right, it will have to be done again immediately).
Aaaargh... even as I type this, she just called, at 7:40 AM, to tell me I must come deal with "lots of problems" that she has immediately. Trying to get her to talk a bit about it, she says that she cant drink the water, it makes her burp, so that means she cant have any food with salt on it ever again. Reading your posts gave me the courage to face that head on, and I said "you darn well will have food with salt on it, or else you will land up back in the hospital, Mom:". Dont know if saying it will help, but it felt good to say it!
Mom was becoming increasingly demanding over the last year, so much so that it made it hard for me to continue my full time job, so I quit it in April. My intention was to start a business that would be more flexible, but apparently that is not to be, as almost literally the moment she knew I was "available", she has sucked up every moment of mine that I let her. I try to keep evenings and weekends for myself and my husband, and she resents that. She quizzes me on what we are doing, and makes me feel like I have to justify not being with her. I have come to hate my cell phone... its an electronic leash! I have Mom in complex care now, as we wait to see if her delirium/paranoia/OCD will clear. Its been 2 weeks now, and I dont see any great improvement, so at this time I dont see her ever going back to Assisted Living. I have her Geriatric Psychiatrist coming to see her tomorrow (she has been treated for anxiety for a year now).
Thanks for letting me vent.
*le sigh*
Peach... there are many online support groups... free, and you don't have to leave the house.... you hook up with people just like you did here to help you understand what you are feeling and how to cope..... and I do understand that all you experiance is familiar and you are afraid of being asked to do some things that get you out of that self destructive space.....
And Bookworm has some excellant suggestions.... you have to get some help...or not... and if you don't... at least seek some sort of help, then we are to understand you have chosen this life of misery.... go back and find as many posts as you can by Bookworm, from when she first started posting on this sight..... does she still have the same issues, yes, but she is learning how to overcome them.... one baby step at a time....
No matter what each of our issues are, and we all have something to deal with, we get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and we seek help... maybe you aren't there yet, and we'll be here for you until you reach that point.... but I do pray that you are trying to hear what we are saying to you.....it takes courage to share about ourselves on here, and it also takes courage to get help.... and all courage is... is doing it anyway, regardless of how scaired we are.... the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results....what you are doing is not working any longer.... you know that or you wouldn't have posted to begin with.... you were asking for help... we hear you, loud and clear.... at least seek out an online support group... do something DIFFERENT today... just one thing....yes it's scairy, but so is the way you are in the world right now.... we don't get out of this life without fear.... Bookworm can be your advocate if you let her... she truly does understand, but she also took suggestions and moved into a proactive mode and has made awesome progress... I am not comparing the two of you... you are both unique, but I am stressing that there is someone on here who is a good example of facing her fears.... she'll be the first to tell you she still has her issues, but she is setting goals, ect... learn from her.... all we can do as Beck said is offer words and prayers.... let us care about you until you can learn to care about yourself.... if any of this upset you are made you angry... sorry, it's called LIFE... some days it's a bitch... but every single day there is something to be grateful for..... if nothing else , you have a computer to reach out for further help.... let us know how you are.....we do care....
this tuesday is gma's appointment with legal aid to have her will updated since her last will was written 15yrs ago leaving everything to my dad who died 10yrs ago. i know some of the family will be upset when they read gma's final wishes but i don't care who gets mad or who has a problem with how things are left. all i care about is helping gma get all her affairs in order BEFORE she passes so she can leave what ever she wants to WHO EVER she wants.
gma's been home for a couple of days now and tmro she's hanging out with "the old people"(as she calls them) i've given her "a job" while she's at the senior center which she finds exciting. i send her with a bag of Avon books and samples to pass out to bring me more customer's and in return gma gets a new perfume.
have a good nite all!!
Sam
As for Lily....she's definately not a small dog....she's 85 lbs of complete joy....but then, i AM responsible for the extra 20 lbs.....i kno...i kno.....bad mom....but i can't resist her pretty face, n wen her eyes say "Mom....how bout some chicken n potatoes tonite"......i'm all over it....lol.....n even wen her eyes say absolutely nothing........... bcuz she's sleeping........she's dreaming of chicken n potatoes.....LOL.......Geez.....im terrible, aren't I??? Hugs
ur physically hurting urself. There is nothing to b gained n hurting urself....please...stop n seek some help....I'm so sry about moms current condition...it must be terrifying, but it is the reality of ur life right now, n unless u put mom in a NH, u must find a way to cope. My thoughts n prayers r always with u....but especially tonight...I believe in the power of prayer....Sweet girl....understand how precious u r to so many.....u have many women across the country who continue to pray for u...we're all here to help in any way we can.....Sending an abundance of love to u, tonite....Huge hugs, sweetie(((HUG)))
Your Lily is a pretty dog. I don't know why I thought she was going to be small!
Next about your 'self-hurting". That is the same as a person who eats and then goes and throws it up. It's an illness. Just as an anorex/bulemic needs therapy, you also need therapy. There's no If Ands or Buts about it. If you want to lead a normal life, you Need Therapy. Unfortunately, when you become stress - you turn to hurting yourself. When most caregivers here become stressed, they turn to food. When I become stress, I go shopping. Out of all of us, your's is the more dangerous one because you are hurting yourself - physically. I saw on Dr.Drew a caller who had your problem. It's not easy and she's still struggling and is in therapy. It's like an alcoholic. They are constantly fighting the desire for liquor. Yours is just as bad. NOBODY can Avoid Stress. Life is stressful. Meeting people at your work is stressful. Driving fast and trying not to get a ticket is stressful. You cannot avoid stress. Unfortunately, you will be constantly fighting the urge to hurt yourself because that is your reaction to stress. You Need Therapy!
I'm glad that you got on here and have updated us. But, Peach, you need to be proactive. I'm sorry that I'm not familiar with the states' health programs where I can point you the way. Why don't you call the 1-800 hotline for ...gosh, I see it all the time in the commercial at christmas time.$ You need to call someone for help. And you cannot just give up. When the nurse comes to clean your mom, can you at least ASK him/her for ADVICE? Or a place of referral? Please be pro-active! Take care! HUGS to you!
My mom was still in the hospital for her leg infection when he left. She came home 3 days after that. They wrapped her leg up in an unna boot to help with compression and her leg wounds. Thankfully, the hospital is sending a nurse over twice a week to change the unna boot and check on the wounds. That makes me feel a little better, knowing someone is going to be looking after it often.
Things aren't going well for her well. Things are much worse, it seems. She irritated her sciatic nerve, so she's basically dragging her foot around like Igor. Her arthritis doesn't make that any easier, nor her broken rib. It turns out the pain she was experiencing on her other side wasn't another broken rib; her spleen is enlarged, due to her leg infection. There aren't doing much about that though; just treating the infection itself. Because her mobility is so much worse since she got home, she's been having a lot of accidents. When she's not, she's basically spending all day and night sitting on her bedside commode. She hardly leaves it anymore. She doesn't sleep either. She has insomnia to begin with, but now she's lucky if she sleeps 2 hours every few days. She fell asleep a few times driving us home from the store.
I feel like I'm falling apart. When she's not passed out from exhaustion, she's moaning, screaming, and crying at random intervals of the day. Mostly, it's because she's in pain and/or because she's had *another* accident and is already too exhausted to deal with the last one she just had and cleaned up. Most times, I don't know whether she's screaming because she's hurting physically or emotionally. It terrifies me. Every time it happens, I'm filled with dread as I run into check up on her. Am I going to see her sprawled out on the floor? Am I going to see that she's sliced her leg open again?
That happened 30 minutes ago. I was going to watch a movie, but instead, ran into the living room when I heard her screaming at the top of her lungs and crying. I said, "What's wrong? What's the matter?" But didn't go into the living room, because I didn't know if she had an accident or what. She kept screaming and wouldn't answer me. It scared me a lot. I tried to be calm. I needed to be, because if it was an emergency, I need to think straight and administer whatever needs to be done. Turns out it was another accident. I was shaken though and had to call my fiancé to calm me down.
I'm sorry for the long post. I don't even have anything good to report or anything encouraging to say to anyone else. I'm just a mess. I've been exercising everyday, hoping that it'd help, but it hasn't. It's just fueling my eating disorder. I've started to self-harm a lot again; not cutting *yet*, just scratching heavily, enough to leave marks for a few hours. Yesterday, I hurt myself at least 5 times. I just can't stand it anymore, but there's nothing I can do. Absolutely nothing, except eat healthy, find social support, blah blah blah. At some point, it feels like none of that makes any damn difference.
Anyway, I'm sorry for all of this. Just at my wits end and need someone who understands to listen. It's true what this topics title says; no one ever asks me how the hell I am. It's always about my mom and how I can make her comfortable.
Beck-My heart goes out to you with what you've gone through this past week. My Dad has expressed his wishes not to linger, but we have not reached the point where he is asking to die. You are a courageous, caring, loving person and it shows in how you treat your parents. You are a blessing to them. Many prayers for you, and hugs.
Mom29-Welcome! Being watched while you clean and move about in your own home is one of the worst feelings. Glad it eased up some today. I try and clean when my parents are at church. Please come back and join us again. And as Jam says, "We'll leave the light on for you."
Kind of a re-charge weekend for me. I think I needed it. Naps, and rest, and didn't do too much. Funeral and burial for my friend over the next two days, so if I don't post, please know I am thinking of all of you. Then on Wednesday we get Mom's lung scan results and meet with Dad's new GI doctor. No rest for the wicked!
I have to tell you...hubby and I took a whole anniversary trip Friday night in about 10 minutes. We'd love to get away next weekend, but with finances and his work schedule, it's not going to happen. So we imagined ourselves driving up north, with him fallign asleep on the way there from being so tired from work, then eating pizza and watching Cheers (which we actually did on our honeymoon), and driving really fast on back country roads on the way home. It was a wonderful vacation and it didn't cost a dime! I do love that man, and expect he'll be in the padded room next to me at some point. LOL
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Happy Birthday, Ladee!
After the conclusion of the "Walmart Cowboy"....seems as though i slid into a bit of a funk....so i tried to resurrect another round of excitement by plotting some harmless fun towards Ladees handyman.....but i gave up on that....lucky man..
Well...last week was very difficult with mom n dad, i now believe, I was looking for a stress reliever,...walmart cowboy, n then Ladees handyman....I swear.....there r times that i am not safe for man or beast....like now!
My week with dad was really hard. I got alot of 911 calls from my exhausted mother, only to arrive n find her curled up in bed n sobbing. So, with Meno's words constantly ringing in my ear, i approached dad very carefully as to wat was causing him to be in such a place of despair...He kept apologizing for upsetting my mom, n begged me to help him to die. These r the moments that become hopeless to me....n yet, i have to remain in control in order to get them thru it. My mom is having alot of pain in her left hand n shoulder, so this week is filled with dr. appt, for her to get her feeling better. She's emotionally empty, n jst exhausted, but says she is not ready for outside home care..but, i can see it coming very soon. As far as dad...he asked me to take all his pills away so that he could just fade away n not b a "burden" any longer....well. that conversation put me in a tailspin n wen he realized how upset it had made me, he looked into my eyes, with that lost n sad look on his face n said.."Melinda, im sorry.....u're my favorite girl." I explained to him that i can take jst about anything, but i cannot take wen he talks about wanting to die....i begged him to stop.....i jst cant handle thinking about my life without my dad.....i kno it's a reality to come....but it isnt here yet, n i refuse to let him keep thinking about it....He's not a burden......he's my joy.....i love my father so much....Im going to keep encouraging him n reminding him about how important his life is to me n mom n all my siblings. Now....i have to turn my attention to my mom, n getting her in a better place....Im ready to do that, too....She's my hero...strong n committed to the love of her life of 58 years....Rough around the edges....but a beautiful soul lies within....she's remarkable...
So...for the past several days, i have been overly emotional...quick to tear up....n i have been reading all the posts, with little energy to respond....but, im always here. My daughter walked into my office the other day, n saw me reading posts, n crying...n she went n told my hubby that she doesnt think its a good idea for me to b on the thread wen im feeling down, bcuz it makes her upset to see me cry...little does she kno wat i WOULD b doing if i wasnt on the thread during those low moments....i understand, tho....she's worried about her ole mama!
On a lighter note....I noticed my beloved Lily was smelling a bit too "canine" for my liking, n im too tired to bathe her (with one hand n a monkey paw)....so....as she was walking past me....i ambushed her with a few sprays of Victoria Secret.....LOL....NOW........she's ready to clip on her weave, n wrk the streets...lol
Hope u all r having a good day..
Seeme....give those pups some sugar from me....l jst love them!
Ladee...Once again, sister friend.......happy birthday.....I hope ur relaxing a bit before the new week begins.....Im baking a cake today, in ur honor........n im eating it ALL........... in mine.......LYL
Sharyn...im sooo proud of u taking steps out of ur comfort zone. The more u do it, the easier it will get. Im still looking forward to meeting u in Manteca one day.....wen ur ready....jst say the word.....love ya, girl.
Austin~Good for you for reaching out to the new families at church!
Notlike~Thank you for the encouragement, it can be very difficult at times. Most of the threads I have posted in have all been familiar territory and as BW advised, I am getting my toes wet!!