This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Ok...Seeme...i jst love reading about ur crazy pups!! I, also love the new pic of hubby holding them....makes me want another dog....but i do have my hands full with Lily...I was sharing with Ladee about wat i did yesterday with Lily....please dont consider this abuse....it's jst funny has hell....I had my kids over all day yesterday n we made homemade pizza....I wanted to look EXTRA nice for my family, so i went ahead n put my hair extensions in....I looked pretty hot for an old broad....lol.....Anyway, after everyone left, i took my extensions out n clipped then on Lily!!!!!! I believe that they accentuate her eyes...haha...then i took her for a short stroll around my neighborhood! My neighbors kno that i have a strange sense of humor, so they always look forward to wat i will do next....She jst strutted that weave, walking so proud n tall.....meanwhile, neighbors r doubling over, one by one, but they all told her how beautiful she looked....She really loves the weave...i dont kno wat it is, but she thinks shes jst the most beautiful thing on 4 feet...I kno that it may sound mean...but she really loves it....it's hysterical.....She's every dogs dream....LOL.....I wish i could get up close n personal with Dyna n Harley....i have enough extensions to go around..LOL.....thank God for r dogs....wat would we do without them........well....my hubby would probably b struttin the weave.....but i'd let him walk the neighborhood without a leash.....LOL....Thanks for the laughs that u n r pups bring into my life....i jst love it...huge hugs, Seeme
Lildeb, who did you offend!!! No one on this thread I hope, we all have our own way of sharing.... you've been here long enough, we know lildeb when we read her... so don't worry about it.... and yes I had a good few days off... needed it bad... Know how I knew I was rested today???? After the 5th time of taking S to the bathroom I didn't feel edgy when I had to tell him, again, no, you have to set on that part, don't raise it ok... I think he still thinks about raising the toilet seat to go to the bathroom, but he is so unsteady, he has been setting down for ages... but something in there still says 'raise the toilet seat", and old voice , M's probably !!!!
And I got myself a few things that weren't ON SALE, and didn't feel a bit of guilt....
Hope everyone has a good evening....
Today I bought a kids pool for them.....HER mostly. Harley still doesn't have the whole idea of jumping in and out down just yet. Dyna-mite doesn't have a problem and can be found in it by herself scratching at the bottom.........those little fish just won't come off!!!
I thought I was going to be a big playmate earlier when I brought them in the house because of the rain....tried to run around the kitchen island with Dyna behind me. That is a joke, cause she is fast and gets Harley to go in the other direction, thereby trapping me between them.....except I had to go hit my knee on the end of the island, which put a stop to the running as I hit the floor, only to have both of them jumping and biting on me in their enthusiam......which means one of them bites my ankle, another one bites my glasses and leaves tongue prints, and before I can get up, my hair is in one's mouth, ear is wet, one hand is bleeding, Crocs are off.....they make good chew toys.....dogs are barking, I am screaming to STOP IT, and phone rings......hubby......what are ya doing????
Ladee, enjoy your break n I love the 'retail therapy,' and I love to shop, shop, shop that's if I can get lucky enough to find reasonalbe price clothing in the child's department that don't have Monkey-Joe, sleeping Beauty, Dora, well you get the picture. Yes, I wear a size 14 girls shirt and pants at age 47. I fgot cheated on the miracle-grow! ; ) I hope this puts a smile on yor face.
Peachgreentea, For you it seems when it rains it pours, join the club we have all been their n I am terribly sorry you r going through this. sorry your mom may need surgery n your dad is not their with you to help some. Inaddition, you said your fiancé too getting surgery too. I can see why your emotions are running in full blown speed. Try to hang in their n hopefully the I.V. n medical stuff will only be temporarily with your mom. I hope that your sinus meds is helping for that will give u a little bit of relief. Just remember that you r only one person n you can only do so much n that you need to make sure you take time n care for yourself. I have a little bit of spare time n sending you n your family a prayer. keep us posted n how you are holddling up.
Took Son to his Ortho Dr appt, it was for 2:30. he finally got to see the Dr at 6:30, I am brain dead and drinking a cup of coffee this late, have a headache, so someont be up at three tomorrow morning, I'm sure i'll be up....
The bones are not healing...and the plate in his arm has a crack in it.... do not ask me how that happened, but it isn't keeping his bone in his arm stable, and this is the arm the hospital sent him home with it broken.... I say, I repeat, and I say again... DO NOT LET A DR TOUCH ME.... take me out to the pasture, and leave me....
So hopefully he will seek a second opinion, and get this show on the road... it has been going on 5 months now, and his is not much better than when he first has the wreck back on the 3rd of April...They are not giving a reason for the bone not healing... I didn't go in with him this time.... his WC case worker did.... and she didn't look happy... anyway, that 's all I know today.... love ya'll, tired, will try to check back in later...
I was a mess back then....but now that i have a clear head....i may jst try again, but i'll still cry bcuz the thought of life without Lily jst destroys me!! Much love..Cat
I have probably filled about 5 journals over many years. Being an addict, i was told to journal all my feelings of self-loathing, hate, disgust, etc... about myself to help release some of my pain...well...i did jst that, except i seemed to journal most often wen i was high, so my entries were off the chart...crazy! I could even tell in my hand writing wen my pain pills kicked in..At first, the writing was very neat, almost beautiful to read, then suddenly, the words became illegible n the sentences were no longer in a straight line, until i could no longer read anything that i had written. I purged every possible thing i had done in those journals to the point that i shocked myself wen re-reading them. My God.......i was awful..lol In my case, journaling turned out to be my nemesis...I kept thinking..Wat if my kids came upon one of those n read it!!!! I would b stoned, hung...then shot by each one of them...their a tough crowd....lol........so...i burned every page of every journal to make sure that my ugly past would stay, only with me....Lily was with me, of course, n thought the fire meant.."Play time"...so i had to concentrate on keeping her away from the fire so she wouldnt go up in smoke.....so, once again, Lily brought laughter n tears to a difficult moment...I dont journal anymore, n im happy to report, im not THAT person anymore, either....but Lily still loves fire...she tries to get into the fireplace every winter wen we have one blazing away.....gotta love her!! Anyway, i kno i went off track...jst like my journal...lol....but wat im really saying to u is....journal............jst dont be under the influence while doing it....it will bite u in the ass later.....LOL
U have changed since ur first posts...u have grown n seem to be more gentle with urself n more aware of ur limitations with mom. I kno ur scared about seeing mom after surgery.....i've jst recently had to face that fear myself with my dad...it's never easy, but if mom is to get better, it must b done n u will get thru it, fear n all. Ur still so young, n being placed in such a demanding position as caregiver for mom....it's natural to be fearful...but dont let it paralyze u...Ur a smart young woman..jst continue on the path that u r on, n realize the paths that u must change..ur doing an incredible job....Wish i could give u a hug, but here's the best i can do for now....
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGE HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))..much love
Beckncall53, thank you for your prayers as well. I'll try to be a little easier on myself.
Also, I loved your very descriptive story about you, your daughter, and Lily. I agree with Cattails - you should write a book about all of that!
Cattails, I do keep a journal and find that it helps a lot, except in times when my anxiety is through the roof. Then it just makes it worse. You're right about everything you said. I've had an anxiety problem for 8 years, and before that, I always - since I was a little kid - assumed the worse.
I'm sorry if I steered anyone in the wrong direction about my mom. I never got the impression that anything I was saying was making others assume she was near death, but I guess I'm wrong about that in my heated moments of anxiety. I apologize.
Unfortunately, I can't afford therapy, although I wish, wish, wish I could. When my moms all better, I might be able to figure something else out. Until then, I'm using a lot of self-help books. I really like your idea a lot about tracking my fears and anxiety. Thank you for that.
I just want to remind everyone to remember to take care of yourselves even though you have others to take care of. I'm a prime example, having triple bypass surgery last yr recovered from that while taking care of grandma. It was quite a chore in itself even when we had help that would come in but we made it through.
God bless all of you caregivers.
It's been crazy busy here. We're fixing to have a garage sale to get this house in order. We're thinking about selling it and moving up north, but it's just a thought for now. If you follow me on facebook you'll see what we've been up to so far this summer.
Vicky: I think about you often and wish the best for you and your parents. Hope things get better for your dad. They are so blessed to have you. You are the best!!!
Notlike: I can so appreciate the benefit of ear phones. I so remember on Memorail Day Weekend. My dad had his TV on full blast with WWII and my husband was in the front room watching Nascar. Lord have mercy.
Brandywine: I'm truly sorry that you sis treats you with so little understanding and kindness. Have you spoken to her about your other possessions and the pictures of your children? I truly hope she will give you access to removing them.
Ladee: Sorry about your son and I mean that from my heart of hearts. I can feel the anguish you have been through with him. Bless his soul, he is going to do it his way no matter what. I so admire your prayers and leaving what you can't manage in God's hands. I'll sure add a prayer to that. Hope you are getting sleep and enjoying your sweet home. Fall will come soon and you can go looking for your beloved rocks. You are a diamond. No rough cut here, but a polished gem who has made her way. I love you.
Peach: I don't know if what I am going to say will be of any help to you. Maybe you could keep a journal, if you don't already, and write down your fears. Put your energy into that and maybe it would give you an outlet. But here's the thing, keep writing and I think you will find a pattern of seeing your fears written out in such a way that the world is coming to an end, and then, some days or weeks later, seeing that the reality of the situation lessened considerably and things improved.
Your anxiety is not to be trusted. I know that's easy for me to say and I am in no way making light of your situation. It is difficult for sure. Still your fears and anxiety make everything worse than it is. They instill in you everything that could possibly go wrong and the absolute worse case scenario.
Go back on this thread and read some of your previous posts. There was a time when most of us thought your mom was dying. This was based on your feelings and expressions. Later you posted that your mom was no where close to dying.
If you could keep track of your fears and anxiety; those times when you are so afraid that you will be abandoned. Write about it with the idea that you will come back and address weather or not those fears proved to be accurate. Respond to those fears, in writing, each day and see how long it takes for you to feel better. The goal is to get to know your patterns and understand them. My hope would be that eventually you can see your fears for what they are, fears, and you can confront them and limit their ability to impact you.
I wish you were in therapy once a week and had someone to hold your hand and work with you during your daily life. Your life is not easy, but the more I hear your posts, the more I realize that you are a very bright young lady.
It might be scary to see your mom before and after surgery, but often, reality is not as scary as our fears. More often than not, reality is a relief. It is what it is, as the saying goes. It's solid and factual. Torturing ourselves with ongoing fears and anxiety is far worse. I don't remember who said this, but the quote was something like; "I have spent most of my life worrying about things that never happened."
Try to journal about your thoughts and fears, what triggers them and then look at them from a little distance and see if they prove to be true. Did what you fear actually happen? We are all here to help you through whatever you need.
Love to everyone, Cattails
.
Peach...hang in there...i kno that things r very difficult for u, n now that mom is home from the hospital, u have even more stress. Try to focus on 1 thing at a time...priority being food...U've been given some good advice from others here, so i hope u will use it, n things will get a little easier. There's only so much u can do, n u r doing the best u can, so give urself some credit..Ur a wonderful daughter.. ur always in my prayers...stay strong, sweetie...ur doing a great job...
Vic...i'm so sry to hear about ur scare with dad. That must have been just awful..Although seizures or so frightening to witness, thank God he did not have a stroke....I hope he is feeling better, n i hope u r getting some rest. It takes everything we have in us to be a caregiver, n u have been such a blessing to dad. My thoughts n prayers r with u both...huge hugs, Vic
Brandy..I'm so sry that u r having to deal with all that BS with ur sis. U r obviously under an incredible amount of stress, but i hope u kno that we r here for u. It upset me wen u mentioned that u were feeling a lack of support from certain posts on this thread in the past...I hope u will continue to post bcuz i kno that myself, n others here r genuinely concerned for u n all that u r going thru. We may not always express it correctly, but we certainly care about u. U said it best in ur last post....forgive n move on...i pray that u r able to do that...hugs
Ladee...i totally relate to the mother/son relationship...We will always love them...but liking them.........hell no!!!! Being a mom is a thankless job..
I'm so happy that ur getting a break...except for the heat...I wanted u to pick up a scorpion n name it after me.....lol......they can kill u if they sting u,,,,right?? Yup.....that's me...definately.....work on that for me...LYL
Ok...little Lily update....The other day, my daughter came home from school, n started sharing , yet another, dramatic moment in her crazy life. We were sitting on the floor, n i decided to take my cast off my hand for a little breather..Well..she starts telling me this story that has me laughing so hard, that i was rolling on the floor, so Lily thought that i was ready to play. Dear Lord....she jumps right on my bad hand, n now i'm rolling around on the floor laughing n crying...it was excrutiating, but Lily doesnt get it. My cries r taken as "o...u wanna play"...so she starts pushing me with her nose across the floor, meanwhile, my daughter thinks i'm laughing, n continues with her soap opera story. Lily now has me rolling, n crying, n since she discovers SALT on my face, she covers me with licks. She's licking my eyes, up my nose, my mouth, n my daughter just keeps talking away, as if nothing is wrong. I, literally, was getting CPR from my dog....the more i cried....the more tongue i got...finally, my daughter realized i was in pain, n got Lily off my crumpled body. I was half way across the room by the time she noticed i was really hurting! After i caught my breath, n dried myself off from my dog bath...i reassured Lily that i was ok....she was a bit confused after my daughter got involved....I come to realize that, in a medical emergency, Lily is better prepared to save my life........my daughter..............sucks........Lily's got tongue...LOL
Love u all.....
Peach-Well, take a deep breath, now your Mom is home. I pray you will have some positive time before her surgery, so you can find strength. I understand why you feel alone, but you really do have people needing you. I think you are the center of their universe - for your Mom and boyfriend - and when you start feeling panicky, remember that even if you're not with them right at that moment, what you are doing is so helpful for them and I'm sure they are thinking of you. I don't mean any disrespect - anxiety is a serious issue - but for myself I sometimes try and think of being wrapped in a blanket of love from my best people, even if I'm physicaly alone. Even when I'm mentally alone, sometimes it helps. I imagine all the love surrounding me, protecting me from whatever horrid things are out there. Hugs.
Ladee-Yup, we are learning together to Let Go and Let God. Something I guess we learn a little better each time we have to do it. Not that it's easy, or anything! Hugs. And if it's too hot for rocks, you are welcome to some of the ones in my head :) All they do is rattle around anyway!
Vic-oh, dear, what a day for you. Many prayers and hugs to you and your Dad. Ladee's right - you did your best with the fluids. We can't fix everything. Keeping you in my prayers and my heart. Hugs.
Today will forever be known for me as The Day Of Peace and Quiet. Hubby switched out Dad's TV with one we had in the garage, and this one has earphones! Oh blessed quiet. I sit at my computer by Dad, and all night long and all weekend I hear news and bad movies and really loud battle scenes. Months and months of this has driven me crazy. When I get home from work, I like quiet. But I don't want to move my computer, because sometimes he and I talk, and I don't want him to feel alone. I wish we had thought of this sooner. Must be the rocks in my head keeping me from thinking straight LOL
Goodnight, and quieter tomorrows.
Ladee, we did have food stamps for awhile, but because my household makes "too much", we only got $15 a month. That hardly pays for toilet paper around here. I did find some local food pantries though. Thanks for the reminder about that!
Vic, I'm sorry to hear that you had to witness such a scary thing and then spend all day in the ER. I hope tomorrow is better for you and your family!
With regards to the financial aspect, if your name is not on anything POW, etc..or in any of the bank account, you may not have any leg to stand on with regards to you getting to see it. Banks are very sticky with that - privacy. I know because they sending me - like monthly - these little slips of privacy information (what a waste of stamps, envelopes, and paper!) Sorry, that's the extent of my knowledge. I'm sure someone might be able to give you better advice!
Are ya'll on food stamps, and if not, apply for them... are there food pantries in your community... that's what they are there for... have been a time or two myself when I did not have a dime to my name.... I wasn't embarrassed, I was hungry...so find out what your resources are in your area...you are overwhelmed, and I understand that... but try to make a list of things that are priorty... food.... and go from there.... it's a sad situation, have been there many times when I had no one to count on but myself... I always amazed myself at what I was able to accomplish, and was so stressed I didn't even remember doing some of it.... so hang tight, know we are praying for you, and hope you are listiening for answers...... hugs to you and mom..
She's been crying a lot; every time I call her. She said she had a panic attack last night, because there was a fire at the hospital. Everything is okay now though; nothing serious. She has also been crying because we're going to be seriously broke this month. There's not much we can do about that, I guess.
After she gets home, she wants to pick some groceries (what little we can afford) up at the store. I'm in no mood to get dressed or leave the house, and to be honest, I feel like she should come home and rest, but she's insistent that we go.
We're seriously discussing surgery as of now. It's no longer a 'maybe' sort of thing. My mom even called a family friend and set it up that she'd drive us to the hospital and sit with me until mom is out of surgery. I'm freaking out a lot. This is hitting every abandonment nerve that I have. I'm not ready to see her with IV bags hanging off her, stitched up, pumped full of drugs. I'm scared.
I wish my dad was here instead of in jail. I wish he hadn't been so selfish. My mom and I are going through so much and all my dad can do is write us letters saying, "Hey, do this for me. Do that for me." He doesn't care about us. He just cares about what we can do for him, I guess. Selfish, selfish, selfish.
I'm sorry for ranting. I'm just really upset. My fiancé is having surgey, mom's having surgery, dad's in jail, and I'm stuck in the middle, worrying and taking care of everyone.
I hope you guys are having a better day than I am. If anyone has any spare time, please send a few prayers for all of us over here. We really need them.