This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I have known in my 'head' for a long long time I have no say so with my son... getting that message to heart has been a struggle... but I do set boudries with him... I do tell him how his behaviour affects me.... I am not his doormat.... but have also gotten just plain weary from the ongoing emotional battle... he lived thru the car accident... of course I was hoping that it would change his life and how he was in the world... sorta fo like your mom having cancer.. the hope it would make her appreciate more.... be kinder...so guess the lesson is ours Notlike, still don't know what all we'll be learning, but at least we are not alone.... we will be able to remind each other we did the best we could , and we loved them anyway.... didn't always like them... but we loved them...
I am enjoying my relaxing time off... am loving my solitude....about to get all my sleeping caught up, but too damned hot to go look for rocks....too many snakes and scorpions on the move because of the heat....did do some 'retail therapy' yesterday... haven't done that in a long long time.... I needed clothes,but got yard ornaments instead..... hate to shop for clothes.... BORING....
So doing my best to stay 'in the moment', relax, rest, straighten up my little house, and stay cool.....
Hope everyone has a good weekend... and find one tiny thing to be grateful for.... I am grateful for ya'll.... hugs across the miles to you all.
Peach-Let us know what happened with your Mom. I'm praying everything worked out for you today. Hugs.
Ladee-You are smart for knowing you cannot change your son, no matter how frustrating it is. get yourself some sleep this weekend, and maybe find a rock or two??? Thank you for the kind words about me and Dad. He is a pretty great guy.
And Dad said his stool is not liquid, just soft today. First time in 6+ weeks! Maybe it is a med after all, I just don't know anymore. We'll see how the weekend goes and what the doctor says on Monday.
Mom just came in the office here and whispered to him he needs to throw away the cardboard box from the pizza. I swear, that woman makes my blood boil. She walked past the box to get here. I don't pretend to understand her need for control. And they called me twice today at work. Once to ask where the cookie store was, and once to see if it was pizza night for dinner. I know this does not bode well for the future, when she really needs my help. But I don't know what else to do but keep on keeping on.
And his plan of her cooking a big lunch so I don't have to feed them dinner lasted 2 days. Wednesday they went to the ball game, and she came home and laid right down. So I cooked. Yesterday she made a big lunch, but he was hungry so he wanted a take-out burger with us. Tonight was pizza. I don't mind feeding them, I just wish we could be up front and organized about it. Ah, dreams.
Good night, and better tomorrows.
I know you were tired but setting with her and listening to her talk, priceless, you can always catch a few naps somewhere, but will never have that oppurtunity again.... I am happy this is not the end tho and sorry the shower turned into a fiasco, two for the price of one..... thanks for sharing the love that the two of you have.... makes my heart feel good.... hugs to you....
My mom hasn't been discharged yet. She was supposed to be around 11am, but no one has come around. I'm not sure whether she's coming home for sure today or not. She's really eager to get out of the hospital. Despite the nice nurses and good food, she still doesn't like it there. Too depressing, she says. She's really upset about the inevitable surgery, too. She's worried she'll die like her mom did, who had surgery (which went well), but ended up dying from a staph infection in the hospital. I mean, my mom's diabetic and over 200 lb. She's not a good candidate for surgery, but what can we do? We'll have to risk it, I guess.
My fiancé's depature has been delayed until next Saturday. I'm thrilled about that. I'm on another medication (Keflex) for my sinus infection, so I hope that clears up. That's one less thing I have to worry about, too.
Anyway, I hope that everyone else is doing okay. You all are in my thoughts a lot. I'm glad AC is here for everyone to come together for support and a place to vent.
Have had to detatch here with my son.... he is not taking a more active role in his recovery and here Notlike's Dad went to a ballgame... life just doesn't make sense sometimes... so keep myself from staying upset, I just gave the outcome to God. and will keep my hands, and my mouth out of the situation... he's going to do or not do what ever he chooses, no matter how upset I get, so what's the point... right?Doesn't mean I don't care, simply means how this turns out is not up to me.... Thank you God, for giving me acceptance....
I know some of you are really going thru a rough time right now... and Notlike, now we know where you got your personality from... Dad...If you were like Mom we would have hit "report this Post" so many times, you'd be gone by now... thank goodness you are like your sweet papa....love ya
Vic, happy to see you posting more , that tells me you are finally back from the black hole that takes us all at one time or another... love ya..
Kim, hoping and praying things are not bad for you.... hope to hear from you soon... prayers for you and mom... love ya...
And love the rest of ya too..... am going to go and enjoy my coffee without having to rush out the door..... hugs to you all, angels and chocolate...
Kimberly thinking of you and mom.. Dad too has Lewy body dementia..several times we thought he was going to go to heaven but he is still here.
Notlike hate to hear dad still has bowel problems. God bless him for just going with the flow. Hate that doc is putting off GI doc visit.
Lildeb..thanks.
All is as well as can be here...
Ladee Lou..hope you are enjoying time off..woohoo!!!
Ladee-I may be Friday happy, but not as happy as you are with your long weekend! Enjoy.
Seeme-Congrads! I see you had two entries in the Caregiver Olympics article. You go girl!
Dad's doctor wants to wait until Monday to see how he is before sending him to the GI clinic. I can make a pretty educated guess that he will be the same. And since my coworker is on vacation later next week, the trick will be getting off work to take him. Dad wore a Depends to the baseball game they went to with their church group. How that man accepts what happens to him so easily is beyond me. He amazes me sometimes.
Maybe I'll get my bedroom organized this weekend. At leat I an hope!
A good day to all.
I am home. My hometown.
Drove in last night.
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Back at Moms, Eldest brother who has Medical POA had, we found, grabbed all of Moms important insurance information and taken it with him back to New England, so we, the people who were actually on hand, were scrambling trying to find long term care insurance info so Mom can have help at home. He was kind enough to make the phone calls and let the nursing home know the necessary information today - we had been asking for the info for 1 week. So, this POA-thing is going to be problematic, and I am so glad I am out of the line of fire, so to speak.....
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Mom also told Eldest brother than she has been diagnosed with diabetes, which is brand-spankin' new to the rest of us. Since Mom was adamant that she didn't need any nursing assistance at home, and she wanted ME to provide what help she needed, I think it curious that she "suddenly" found out about diabetes. The NH never said anything about that...... the hospital never said anything about that.........
Is she making it up for sympathy (they were checking her blood levels daily because of the steroids), or does she really have it and forgot to tell us while she was wrangling to get out of the NH. I don't know, but I am now even more convinced that I made the right decision, and so very grateful for the help and advice you have all given me.
Last night I slept in the bottom bunk of my grandson' bunkbed and tonight I am in an extended stay motel until I find something permanent.
BluebyYou, I love your little profile picture. As for your mom hopefully she hasn't broke anything n you have the dr their to check on her. I wouldn't mention the respite care anymore around your mom until it got a day closer n just try to comfort her that she will be fine n that you will be back to get her. But make sure you take that break. As for the Olympics, we r all watching it too but my hubby thinks we suppose to watch it from sun-up to sun-down.
Peachgreentea, great advice for Momofthreeboys, for she is for taking on such a handful. Vent, vent, and vent some more on here. We all have been their and done that n probable will vent again and again.
Peachgreentea, I didn't understand the part of your mom's colon a goner? Did she have some issue from the past or cancer in the colon or her tummy? The good part is that she won't have to wear the colostomy bad the rest of her life. Now how are you feeling today?
Caregiving has to end at some point when we come to the end of ourselves and a facility becomes the better option. I hope you know how much your efforts made a big difference in the quality of her life. Hugs to you!, Smitty
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My mom had her colonoscopy today. The biopsy results aren't in yet, but they said they didn't see anything that looked like cancer. They said her colon is pretty much a goner though. Looks like surgery is inevitable. She's a little worried about that, but seems hopeful since she spoke to the surgery. Apparently, the surgery won't be as bad as she thought and she won't even have to wear a colostomy bag the rest of her life, just for about two months. Plus, she'll never have to worry about getting colon cancer. Thank goodness for that.
Notlikemom, so true for it is not as funny while it is happening. However, later it gotta give you a little crackle or you go crazy.
I forgot to mention about taking the mnl to get her lab work that I was behind on time so I had to rush her out the door withing 20mint. Yep, I knew we, hubby and I was in trouble with the 'fire-cracker-red-headed-wood-pecker- mnl.' I thought I had a whole hr before her appt until hubby ask me, while he still in bed n Im just sipping on my cup of coffee that, "did we just get back already?" Im like what???? Why? he said her appt was at 8:55 n for dumb ass reason I thought it was for 9:55 and her it was 8:35am. We r rushing n its a fasting lab n I didn't won't her to pee in toliet for then she wouldn't be able to go their with the lab. I'm dropping things, grabing my glucose meter, grabbing keys, running out the door n told hubby to get mom out of her room for she is trying to put on a freaking necklace n deciding what jacket to wear. Its 80ish degrees!! Necklace!! Please get in the car we r running late. that is what I was actually saying as I ran out to the car. I got to the car running honking the horn hopeing that will get her moving n I hear her yelling at hubby. I knew this rushing crap was heading for diaster. Yet, I knew last night her appt was 8:55am, I guess maybe I got some Alz going on? Dumb, dumb, dumb... anyway he finally gets her out n she arguing all the way cursing n we rush to get to the place. I still have to drive to get to the place too. We made it right on time-speedy just a tad. We sat a few every bit of 3 mint into anothe waiting room. I went ahead n got her a pee cup n it was stanky. I mention it to the nurse that suppose to draw her lab. In the process of collecting the foul smell pee, the mnl happens to wear half of it on her pants n part all over my hands due to all over the cup. The cup runner over. Well at least we can wash all that off n we got all tha done n I apologize to mnl for it was my fault not paying attention to the time. She said, "don't worry about for I don't know what I do without you." I was shocked that came out of her mouth, but thankful. Now, that made my day as a caregiver. Even if you can get a smile from them sometimes is very pleasing to know that we are doing the best we can n sometimes they do recgonize what we are doing or for at least now.
I hope everyone has a great day.
Blue, glad mom got untwisted.... and ya, it may be a little acting out before respite, but you take it anyway, regardless.... I woke up many mornings to find Ruth in some strange positions...one day one leg hanging off the bed the other one THRU the bed rail... still have no idea how she did that.... took awhile with her bellowing the whole time, but we got her untangled.. we either have to laugh or cry, depends on how tired we are I guess... hugs to you and enjoy your respite.....
Momof3, you ARE doing an excellant job... and raising three kids, is this the mom with triplets? Just that by itself is unbelievable , much less caring for your mom.... come back and talk to us.... vent until you feel better, this is a safe place to put it down..... and you might even get a suggestion or two to help you out, if not, then you'll get lots of love and support... no one else understands like another caregiver....
Hugs to everyone today.... more later......
I ended up calling the doctor, who came out and helped me get her into bed (roaring her head off the whole time). Doc was worried in case she'd broken a hip, but she hasn't fallen in the last 48 hours, and there didn't appear to be anything wrong with her hip (she was able to move her leg around happily enough)
I reckon she's having us on because she knows she's going into Respite for two weeks next Tuesday.
So I've had a quiet day (she was asleep in bed!) watching the Olympics :-)
Mary, 13 hours is a lot. I don't understand Fl laws myself for I have heard other people telling me about their parent getting discharged from the hospital due to no insurance. I understand they need their money but these r human beings! They try to do my dad while I was down there too until I had a nasty fit n threating to get the news people out their for my dad was not physically fit to be sent home. So, they sent him to a Rehab center for that was what they had suppose had done in first place. Fl & GA both suppose to be having construction work but u have probable already passed it. Drive safely, crank up the music n take breaks. Enjoy yourself.
Caregiver, do what your gut tell you to do n I hope it is take that job n congratulations too. I hope you get the job.
Ladee, you know how to say the right things n Caregiver, we r all your family too n rooting for you n your job.
You have been an amazing daughter and your mom has been blessed, as she said, to have you in her life and by her side during her last years. Even in these difficult times, with her dementia closing in, you both can still share the love you have for each other. I don't have words to express how very precious that is and what a comfort it must be to your mom. I know it is to you also.
You are a very wise and loving person, so I don't think there is anything I can tell you that you don't already know. Just take those moments with your mom and cherish them. When you love someone, losing them in very painful, but knowing that the love is shared and that you have made your mom's life better with your love, understanding and compassion is the true meaning of what life is all about.
Sending you love and comfort my dear friend, Cattails
All of you are in my thoughts and prayers today and everyday...........peace to you all!