This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
This has been a baaaaad day for both of us. This is one of those days when
I just want to get in the car and go. Where to? Any where but here. All he has wanted this whole damn day is to argue. It does no good to argue back. Hell
half the damn time he does'nt know what he is even arguing about.
I had to run to walmart for a few groceries. Well he insisted on going with me.
When we got there he refused to go in. It would not have bothered me except
it is so hot. He gets heat exhaustion faster than the adverage person his age.
I could only get the things I needed for the weekend because I had to hurry.
In and out in 15 min. flat. On the other hand if he had gone in I would have lost him again. If I turn away from him for a second he is gone. Its worse than when a toddler is loose in a store. Difference is a kid cries He stands there and yells my name at the top of his voice.Sorry for all the venting. Don't know what I would do with out all of you. Hugs Wanda
This has been a baaaaad day for both of us. This is one of those days when
I just want to get in the car and go. Where to? Any where but here. All he has wanted this whole damn day is to argue. It does no good to argue back. Hell
half the damn time he does'nt know what he is even arguing about.
I had to run to walmart for a few groceries. Well he insisted on going with me.
When we got there he refused to go in. It would not have bothered me except
it is so hot. He gets heat exhaustion faster than the adverage person his age.
I could only get the things I needed for the weekend because I had to hurry.
In and out in 15 min. flat. On the other hand if he had gone in I would have lost him again. If I turn away from him for a second he is gone. Its worse than when a toddler is loose in a store. Difference is a kid cries He stands there and yells my name at the top of his voice.Sorry for all the venting. Don't know what I would do with out all of you. Hugs Wanda
Lisa, don't know if others have welcomed you, i'm sure they did and I just didn't read back far enough.... this is the place for caregivers to have a cyber respite... if nothing else we get it out of our head and get love and support... and laughing , we do a lot of that too.... so hope we hear from you again... hugs and angels...
As for most of us, this has been a long hard week... and finding out about Meno has knocked the wind out of some of us.... but I am going to share my feelings about this with ya'll. He is in Heaven, no doubt about that, smiling, and simply wanting those of us he touched, to carry on the legacy that he shared..... to love, to take time, to honor, to appreciate, to be honest, and to not cause harm.... His daughter shared her dad with us... I can't begin to imagine what she is feeling, we only had him for a very short time, she has a lifetime with him...She is going to remain on AC from what she's said... we have a lot to learn from her, and we have all this love and support to give her.... I know we will, it's what we do here....
My personal connection with Meno is one of absolute God's Grace... I am honored and humbled that he put me in his circle, I will cherish that gesture forever.... so with great sadness we say bye until later to our friend Meno.... hugs everyone..
I don't want to nag, but I will anyway. Please call your Area on Aging. It's just a phone call and you have nothing to lose. She might qualify. If her age disqualifies her, you'll know for sure and there won't be any guessing.
Have you ever tried a nettie pot for sinus problems? It's a simple process. It's looks like a little tea pot. You will it with water and put he spout in one nostril. The water goes in one nostril, washes through the sinus cavity and comes out the other nostril. Many people swear by them. If you try it, use distilled water and not tap water. This eliminates the possibility of any micro organisms in tap water from further irritating sinus tissue. I would imagine you could also just boil tap water and let it cool before using. I don't remember if you add salt to the water or just use water. Nettie pots are cheap and you can find them at Wall Mart. Instructions are included. Maybe it will help you.
Take care of yourself, Peach. You are loved here, so stay in touch with us.
Hugs, Cattails
Mary213, I'm sorry if I haven't been clearer, but let me say, thank God, my mom is not dying. Not even close. She's just very, very sick with a whole mess of problems. Thank you for the Biblical encouragement. You made some wonderful points that I seemed to miss. Thank you for giving me some new insight.
Beckncall53, thank you for your advice as well. I don't know what I'd do if I hadn't found this website. You all have really helped me deal with how I'm feeling. When I'm taking trips to the hospital, explaining to paramedics and nurses everything that's wrong with my mom, and no one asking ME how I'm doing, it's nice to come here and see that everyone here is in the same boat as me and that we're all supporting each other.
Cattails, I haven't contacted Area of Aging yet. I'm not sure that my mom would qualify. She's not even 60 yet, so I don't think she'd get much help since she isn't a senior. We are going to contact Medicaid though, because she might qualify for some home-aid and counseling. As for your questions, my mom owns the house we share. She's lived here for 30 years. She stopped working and went on disability when I was younger, maybe around 13-14. I took care of her a little then, but nothing serious. I've always just been a helping hand, not at a caregiver, until about 2 years ago. My dad was arrested 3 years ago and sentenced to 50 years for child molestation. After that, my mom had a colitis flare up and we've been going downhill ever since, with more and more going wrong with her. I don't think my mom is willing (and I'm not sure if I am either) to go to a nursing home. In my opinion, our situation is bad, but not that bad. I would worry about suppporting myself though, yes. I have no work experience at all, because of all the mental issues I've been dealing with for 8 years. My mom is on Medicaid and disability. She's the bread winner. Overall though, our financial situation isn't incredibly bad. Sometimes we struggle, but we aren't on the verge of losing our home or anything.
In other news, looks like I'm getting a little break. She woke me up around 5am yesterday, complaining that her legs were hurting a lot. They were really red and swollen. We assumed she was having another bout of cellulitis, a leg infection. She went to the ER, where they admitted her. So now, she's under their care, getting an IV drip, morphine drip (if she needs it), regular, monitored healthy meals, etc. She doesn't have to lift a finger, not even to clean herself up if she has an accident. I doubt she'll be there long, maybe a week and a half or so, but it'll be a nice break for myself.
I'll appreciate it, too, because I've been sick lately. Had to take 2 rounds of antibiotics to clear up a kidney infection and a sinus infection. My kidney infection is gone, but I'm still suffering from this chronic sinus infection. I've had it for over a year and nothing makes it any better. I need to see an ENT, but can't right now. I've been taking antihistamines, but even 24-hour relief ones don't help me all day. Anyone know of anything that might help until I can see a doctor?
What I started out to say is I'm sorry you have had such a difficult week. Seriously, you are the star on this sight and you do so much to keep everyone's spirits up. I think we all get down when you are, I know I do, but we also appreciate your honesty and that's what always makes you so real and so meaningful. I hope you get your long weekend and additional help with your care giving.
Sending you love and healing for your son. You have a family here and you also have a family in heaven; all those you have been blessed with your love and kindness. I absolutely believe that they know you is name and spirit and thank you for the love you gave them.
Love and Hugs, Cattails
I wanted to tell you that the other day when I visited my dad, I found him in his wheel chair, rolling his way slowly down the wide hallway. I was amazed and so happy to see him doing this. It is the first thing he has been able to do for himself, unassisted. At home we kept him on the walker going from room to room because he needed the exercise, but at the NH, he can't be on a walker because he must be assisted at all times due to being such a fall risk. But here he was, moving safely on his own and it just made my heart sing. The nurses and aids fuss over him as he goes by and he gives them a big smile. I went home very happy that day.
I've been reading all the posts and feel so behind in responding. You have all been going through so much and my heart goes out to you.
Beck: Sending you lots of love and I'm so sad for you and your dad. You keep posting and thanks for all the good things you are saying to Peach.
Stormy: Don't even think of missing your time away with the family. As Ladee and others have said, there are other options for your dad's care. Hospice can come in and help. When the hospice nurse would come by to see my dad, she didn't tell him she was from hospice. She knew that we had not told him about them and they were fine to go along with that. No doubt your sis will object, but then she should be the one to live with it not you. Your dad and your sis need all the help they can get. Your dad may not realize what a toll his care is taking on his daughters and your sis may not be willing to make a change that will ultimately be good for everyone. You have a right to tell your sis that the reality is change is needed for everyone's sake. If she will not allow it, then you can be clear about your limits. I know it's hard for you, but do your best.
Seeme: So happy you are loving your furbabies.
Peach: You need to give yourself credit for all you have done and try to do. You are only 22 years old and you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Have you contacted you Area on Aging. Please call them and see if they can get some in home care help for your mom.
Peach it would be hard for any of us to take proper care of your mom. Not being able to meet all of her needs is not a failure on your part. You are caught between a rock and a hard place. You are terrified of losing your mom and you can't take care of her single handed. You both need help and you both deserve help. It's overwhelming what you are dealing with.
Let me ask you a couple of questions. You live with your mom. Does she own her home or is she renting. How long have you been taking care of her? What I am wondering is if your mom went to a nursing home, what would you do. Speaking just from a financial point, do you worry about not being able to support yourself. I'm thinking that your mom is the financial support. So maybe on top of everything else, you are afraid you would end up homeless too. Can you give us an understanding of your financial circumstances. I don't remember if you said you were on Medicaid or disability.
I hope you can share more and maybe we can have a better idea of your circumstances. I know you are afraid of being alone. I understand that completely. Try to breath, breath, breath. Don't hurt yourself. Wish I could be by your side.
Love, Cattails
The puppies were named for my hubyy's first Harley........what was called a Dyna-Glide convertible. My Dyna has now perfected the Dyna-Slide. She runs around the island with Harley in chase mode, she heads for the stool in front of one of the gates, and slides on her belly to get under the stool. Poor thing doesn't realize her back end it still sticking way out and he bites her butt anyway. I watched her do it more than once, so she is doing it on purpose. Outside she is a wild child. We took them out at midnight when it wa cool enough for them and hubby got home. She really has the sheepdog in her blood. She darts back and forth, changes directions so quick her butt doesn't always catch up and she rolls. She stalks all the time. What a joy to watach. Harley has to thank me every time I give them water. I have to hold the dish up off the floor or Dyna slings water everwhere, but Harley always stops in the middle of his drinking and lifts his head to give me a kiss. And they both wait to get their chins dried before they go back to playing. Only had them for 6 days and I am in love...........
just sending u some love...
k
Don't have anything to report on the col these days......she is just happily in her own little world. Sees family members walking the halls that really aren't there. The NH called and wanted to know if they should start OT with her since her brain and arm aren't communicating at meal times.......no, just continue to help her eat because that pathway is nonexistent. Target continues to heal from his gout and I'm afraid is becoming a recluse..........I'm not playing that game and have told him that.
Keep up with the great posts and I'm so glad you all feel comfortable with the opportunity to share your feelings and to realize you are not alone, there is always someone here willing to lend a shoulder for whatever you may need.
PS.......stormy don't you dare let the opportunity pass to have family time young lady!!!!!! Now that is meant with care for you......make arrangements with a care giver to come in and take your place. I'm willing to bet Dad can afford it and sis will get over whatever you do. Enjoy your time while you can!
Love and Hugz and angels sent to all of YOU!!!!!!!!!
Anyway I live & partially care for my 90 year old father who has moderate Alzheimer's. I work but have lost focus and my disposition has deteriorated a great deal. I am tired all the time and the stress has affected my health. I am 57 but feel 90 at times.
I am so grateful for this site. It assures me I am not alone and I am not crazy.
Jam, it has been a while since you original post, how are YOU doing these days?
My day started off with taking mom to do her shopping...its the only time she gets out n away from dad for awhile..Dad was extremely confused and very agitated today, n took it out on me a bit, which is fine...i can handle that. His eyes are blank, n his words makes no sense, n he walks like he's 100 yrs old. U have to kno a lil bit of history about dad...Before he became ill, dad use to power walk between 7 n 9 miles everyday. I went with him many times, n couldnt believe the inner drive that kept him going at that pace for such a distance. I always admired that about him..To look at him now is so painful...a lost, confused,n physically broken down man who has lost all dignity n feels he is nothing but a burden to his family...It was a very difficult day for me.....he got very stern with me at one point n told me that he wants my husband to start wearing depends so he can sleep thru the nite....I said,"Dad, i dont think that would work for Bill...he will sleep eventually...(he's been a chronic insomniac for years..so we're use to days without sleep)...Dad started yelling at me n said, "What the hell is wrong with depends?" I said, "Nothing, dad, we'll give it a try." That seemed to calm him down, but i left the house n sat in my car n cried for 15min before i could pull away from their house. Everyday, i jst watch this f-n disease take another piece of my dad away....n tonite...im jst angry....
Wen i got home, my husband tells me that a close friend of ours, who was in our wedding 30yrs ago, committed suicide today...I was so devastated. I couldnt imagine someone being in such despair that they would take their own life...I went thru my wedding album tonite n looked at pictures of him in much happier days..Such a loss....such a tragedy....my heart hurts...
Then my youngest daughter, 20, informs me that she is seeing a 24yr old young man with a 5yr old son, n a bitch of an ex-girlfriend that she's hiding from...Well...wat the hell do i say to this kid who thinks im old fashioned...stuck in "My Generation" n tells me she knows what shes getting herself into...Holy Sh*t....Bill n i r meeting him on Saturday. She spends the nite at his house about 3 times a week....This is not how i was raised, n i never treated my parents with such disrespect....I realize that this is a completely different generation, n , if i may say...im disappointed in wat i see. So....my daughter is having a "sleep over" with this man, n im jst numb ......Wen did Bill n i lose control as their parents? Wen was it alright to speak to us as if we were one of their friends? It's f-n crazy!!!
Then..there's my only son..26yrs old, engaged to a woman who has 3 children by 2 different men...He's been with her for 7yrs now...n the first 2yrs...i fought like a rabid mama bear to keep her away from him...but....their still together. I will never really trust her as a daughter in law, bcuz she has already betrayed family trust, n i have no need for someone like that in my life....but i must keep the peace for the sake of my son....I've come to realize, that watever lessons Bill n i failed to teach along the way......life would take care of the rest..Knowing that takes a great burden off my shoulders. God jst let me kno...move out of the way, Mel....I got this!
Anyway...i kno im babbling , but there are days wen there are no funny stories to share....no Lily adventures that make u laugh till u cry....there r jst days that hurt, n today has been one of those days for me..Sorry to have gone on so long....U all have meant so much to me, n wen today unfolded as it did, the first place i knew i had to go was to the AC....A broken heart is easier to handle wen u have friends to help carry the pieces, until God moves in to mend it...Thats wat u all do for me, without even knowing it...Thanku from the bottom of my achy, breaky, heart...
Who knows wat tomorrow will bring....maybe Lily will teepee my entire house with every roll of toilet paper in existence....that will redirect me now wont it.....I better hide a rolll tonite, otherwise Bill n I may both b wearing Depends!!!! Love u all
Ladee- If i didn't make a funny out of something i would be crying in my pina coloda that i am drinking right now. Trying to ward off a panic attack. And you are right Ladee, it will all be here waiting for me when i get back. Ah hell it's been the same thing for the last 2 1/2 years why change now when everything has been sunshine, roses and rainbows. Can't get much better than that huh???? Same shit different year........ Blah blah.... Time for another drink! Love and hugs stormyy
Stormy, I'm sorry, in the middle of all your craziness and then you pop a funny out there about the witness protection program.... I've got tears in my eyes from laughing.... I know it's not funny to you...and we know your plate is too full, just try to go to her this time with your head held high, make your announcement and leave.... no one says you have to stay and listen to the ensuing guilt trip... this is a choice SHE makes, to be everybody's everything.... you know that can't happen, so you are wiser than her... go have fun with your family, that mess will be there when you get back, unfortunatly.....
Good news on the M front today.... are ya'll ready.... she apologized to me this evening.......... got up and hugged her rigid little body, told her no problem , we're both tired and stressed, tomorrow is a new day.....
Then the duaghter came in with more good news.....I finally have some PRN help, which I have been asking for for over a year now... I GET A LONG WEEKEND NEXT WEEK......... RESPITE..... I'm afraid to get my hopes up, but am going to do some serious gratitude prayers for at least getting some extra help... I am so blessed. in so many ways.... I get rowdy, disrespectful, become a problem child, and all that stuff, but I do have an unyeilding faith...... that I am heard by a loving and caring God, tho I know there are times He shakes his head at some of my actions and choices.....but when the time is right, when He knows I will appreciate His answer on a much deeper level, He answers.....I don't always get what I want, but I always get what I need..... love and hugs to you all this evening... thanks for holding me up yesterday..... love ya'll
Lil deb- Thank you for the hug and the concerns. They are very much appreciated.
As for hospice- I would love to bring someone else in to help us with dad. But unless a doctor says that dad is getting ready to die, my sister will not allow it to happen. She and my dad have been brain washed into thinking that if you call in hospice you are dying. I know that is not the case all the time that people use the hospice caregivers and some patients get better. But try telling that to my sis and dad. If i were to mention hospice to them; well let's just say i might as well be talking to a ant hill outside cause i will get the same response. Nothing...... I might as well save my breath.
Lil deb I'm sorry i hope you don't think i am shooting down your advice. I really would love to get some help from hospice but my family is stubborn. I am just venting. Plus my hubby has been after me today to decide on a date for us to carry connor to the beach for the first time this year. And i finally just told him aug 19th. It will be connor's last little vacation before starting school aug 27th. It is just a bad time with my bil and his hurt foot and sis trying to take care of him, work and help with dad. I just pray that my bil will be alot better by then. Hopefully off of the iv antibiotics and hopefully through with this chamber they put him in 5 days a week to speed up the healing process. And i am going to have to say something to sis about us carrying connor to the beach for a few days. And i just do not want to hear the response to that. That's why i am in a not so great mood tonight. I am seriously thinking about putting me, hubby and connor in the witness protection program. And disappearing off the face of the earth......... Just so sick of this song and dance every time we want to get away..... Love and hugs stormyyy
We did have a chance to talk about food, though. Dinner has become an every day frustration for me. Mom doesn't want to cook, but she wants all the control. And she doesn't like my cooking. Ect, ect. He was not happy to find out that all the special foods we've tried for him, including the expensive Ensure, I paid for...she does not want to spend her money on him, I swear. He did talk her into trying again to make a big lunch and light dinner. I wish him luck, but for multiple reasons, I don't think it will work. We'll see...
Blessing to those of you who are over whelmed. Peace to those of you feeling guilty - it's normal, but not neccessary. Really. Too tired to go individually tonight, but I am thinking of you all.
Good night, and better tomorrows.