This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
All the things that u describe about ur feelings about mom r painfully normal... U r not a terrible young woman in any way....wat u r is courageous ,n strong. U have shown the deepest love a daughter can express by giving everything of urself to be there for her. Ur commitment to ur mom is to b admired....u r truly an angel of God. I learned a while back that "guilt" is the constant companion of a caregiver...but i've also learned that "guilt" is our nemesis bcuz it keeps us stuck in a place where we cannot be the best that we know we are. We feel we deserve to be guilty.....we do not. I wish there was more that i could say that would help u thru this difficult time. Remember, also, Peach......ur life matters too. U have every right to be with ur fiance n build a life together....u must come to the realization that u need help with moms care. Please take the advice of many of the caregivers here, and research outside help, or a NH...I know there must be resources available for someone in ur position...and don't feel guilty about that either....it's wat a loving daughter has to do, sometimes, to make sure their loved one is getting the best care possible. I've used this phrase in past posts.....Peach...its time to pass the torch.....u have done more than most would do...u r an incredible young woman, n a selfless, giving, n compassionate daughter...all bcuz u love....God Bless all that u do n give u the strength n wisdom to do wat must be done..Much love,sweetie
She goes to Austin tomorrow for her blood transfusion, so will be gone all day, long day for all of us.... and my heart does feel compassion for all she has to go thru..... but at least she saved some of her breathe today to bitch at the staff at the hospital tomorrow..... they get paid WAY more than I do to listen to it....
Thank you all so much for being here for me yesterday.... have been on this sight for a couple of years now, and it only gets better and better.....so each of you got special thanks and prayers last night..... WE ARE FAM A LEE, duna duna duna, WE ARE FAM A LEE, duna duna duna... We need to petition congress to have an official CAREGIVERS DAY.... we would each get a little airline bottle of Jack Daniels or Jose Quervo(sp) and we could just party down for about 20 minutes and just think we were normal people.... oh hell yes..... I don't drink, so guess mine woud have to be....citrus green tea..... but man my heart would be in it for that 20 minutes....
Thanks to all of you.... hugs and angels....more later when I get done with my next shit... oh I'm sorry, I meant .. shiFt...... love ya'll
cut her care hours,
she doesnt need it-
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?????????????
I dont want to ever get to that stage---
sometimes this life is so unbearable-
i think the casino is a great idea loL!!
It sounds like you are in my home.......you are not terrible. My goodness, your own mother is sick and dying, you SHOULD be feeling bad. Even tho your mother is still living, it is normal for you to feel depressed when you are faced with her death, you are grieving......
The apostles abandoned Jesus because they were humans but that doesn't mean they stopped loving him or believing in him. We humans are not perfect like Jesus. We can never be perfect like Jesus. God knows this. We all (hopefully) strive to be as close to Jesus as possible, to be as good as we can, but we can't ever be perfect like Jesus. That is a standard we humans cannot reach. But the apostles never stopped loving God. They spread out over the known world and spread The Word, facing trials and persecutions; they were humans doing the best they could. You are doing your best to be a good person, to do what is right, to honor your mother. Your motivations are good. You are walking the walk. However, you are emotionally overwhelmed and one of the things we, humans, sometimes do is shut down, hide, and want to run away.
I feel so guilty for feeling that way. I feel guilty that I hole up in my room as much as possible, instead of spending time with her, trying to make her feel better. I don't do it on purpose. I don't do it because I think she's gross or I hate her. I'm just so depressed that any amount of extra weight that doesn't include cooking, cleaning, tending to wounds, or trying to work up enough energy to take a shower is just too much. I feel like I've abandoned her though. My mind wanders back to Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane when His apostles abandoned Him in His time of need. I feel like a terrible, terrible person.
Beezer: I would give you essentially the same advise. Your dad needs full time care in a good facility. Enough.
It's perfectly ok to say you can't deal with the stress of their care any longer. Some people do not know when to stop and often die before their elders do. They just keep going out of guilt or because they feel mentally overwhelmed and can't take on the task of placement.
You are both excellent people who have gone above and beyond. It's time for you both to stop now. I don't mean to be so emphatic and blunt, but you know in your hearts that the time is at hand. Please act on that intuitive knowledge. You have it for a reason and it will not fail you. It only tells the truth.
This is not about your failure as caregivers. Not in the least. It's about your personal survival. Make the changes and start living your own lives once again. Please know that you are doing the right thing. It's necessary. Your health and welfare is just as important, if not more so, than anyone elses.
Sending you encouragement for a new beginning. Love, Cattails
Mary123....u've done all u can n should do for ur mom....i say...time to go home...back to ur family....that's where u belong..Make the others step up..ur in my thoughts today....hugs
Beezer...I hope u can find some other alternatives to ur situation..do some research n kno that we r here for u.....Blessings
Seeme...SEND ME A FURBABY.....so cute......hugs
Ladee...i pray u have a better day today. I think all on this thread would agree that wen someone pisses off our Ladee...WE take it personally....Kick some ass, girl
n rest assured that i will continue to send ridiculous n senseless emails to u bcuz its so damn great wen i can get u to smile......LEFT HAND ABOVE HEAD!! LYL
Hope everyone has a good day......
Welcome to the new folks.... we all have something to share, and I can say how blessed I am by having so many wonderful friends on this sight... I appreciate each and every one of you.... and thanks from the bottom of my heart.... love and angels.....
Mary123 ..you did your job with gma and you knew then that u couldn't caregiver for ma. You have been at it 21/2 years...times up you have a family that you don't see. Let other sibling with medical poa take the responsibility. That doesn't make you a bad person it make you a strong loving daughter who cares for mom knowing that you aren't the best one to take care of her. That's strength.
Beezer..others have given you advice.. On my what strength you must have. We are here for you.
Vic-Oh honey, what an awful day! Prayers for you and Mom. And many hugs.
Beck & Seeme-What fun our furry children are! :) Thanks for the laughs.
Ladee-You are not stupid for putting up with M - you are caring beyond measure and a blessing to S. And to M, too, even if she doesn't always know it. During lectures, trying thinking of something else...your grocery list, the plot to a movie, how much laundry there is to fold...it will give you a look of intense concenration and fool M into thinking you are listening! LOL Hugs.
Welcome to the new posters! And hugs to you all.
Mary - sounds like you are having a rough time. You have done your share taking care of your Grandma. Can outside help or NH be arranged for your Mom? Maybe the best way for you to care for her is by making sure she is taken care of by someone else. Hugs.
In 10 hours, we should get the results of Dad's colon biopsy. By then, I will be a wreck. Waiting gets harder the closer to the time, I swear. I keep wondering what the Man Upstairs has in mind here, because this is not what I expected. Mom was supposed to be sick and Dad was going to live forever. Instead, Dad is sick and Mom is mostly a pain in the ass. Will this finally teach her to care about someone else? I don't think so, but I hope.
I have to get to work. Hope everyone has a good day. And that mine and Dad's ends well.
My relationship with my mother has been difficult my entire life - I shouldn't go into that, we all have difficult parents. Those who are caring for a parent with dementia are special people to dedicate their entire lives to caring for a parent. I wonder if I will miss my mother when she passes. Right now the answer is no, but I am sure that will change. ...... Many years ago I helped my grandmother when she got sick .Ever since my grandmother was sick and died, almost 30 years ago, I knew that I did not want to do the same thing for my mother . I always felt that 1) I took care of Grandma all by myself - happy to do it and still consider it one of the most loving and blessed parts of my life 2) I did not want to take care of my mother that way - it is someone elses' turn.
I read that over "it is some elses' turn" and I sound so cold and heartless. Yet, it is honest and it is how I feel and it is what I need. There are 3 siblings, one of whom is the Medical POA. They need to step up and take over, whatever that entails....... I have been here, away from my family for 2 1/2 years. I am cooked. I am burned out. I want to go back home and be with my family.......Again, thank you for responding, you have been so kind and helpful. I still feel panic and dread, but I can now see a light down the tracks that I can focus on to get home.
U have given all u can give.....now step aside n let someone else care for dad, under ur close supervision, of course, but let someone help u....ur a loving daughter, who has taken more than ur share of the stress.....Stay strong....search out other alternatives, n if we can help.....we're here for u..huge hugs to u
Do you know what is causing his recent aggresion???Because being hit is not acceptable regardless of our elders issues.... I suffered a broken leg last year from my charge..... so I am definatlty an advocate of finding another living situation if this is his behaviour..... and even tho he tried to leave his last facility, doesn't mean there isn't another one that could address his issues......
Many of us will do what we can until they are placed, but again, him aplogizing for hitting you is well and good, but it's not ok under any circumstances... Have you checked into your Area Agency on Aging.... they have so many resources..... let them know your situation, his issues, health and mental, and hopefully they can offer you some help... please come back and let us know how you are... we do understand, we do care, and we'll help if we can... in the meantime, vent all you want, for as long as you need to... this is what we do here, help each other....i've had a pretty crappy day myself, but I will go to bed here in a minute, knowing I am loved, supported, and that this is my safe place to talk about how I feel... no rights or wrongs here, just us doing what we do.... hugs and angels to you....
I help my mother. I have been here for over two years. Up until the past couple of months Mom has been independent, driving, cooking, socializing, etc. I have been more of a security blanket for her............
Mom's mind is pretty clear, no dementia or Alz., just getting old........
I admire and respect all of you who do so much for your loved ones..........
Mom has been back and forth between the "rehab center"/NH and the hospital for the last two months. It has not been pleasant for any of us.........
Two weeks ago Mom was in the hospital and getting ready to die. The family was called and came in, even from Europe on the red-eye............
Then, last week she decided she wanted to live and is expecting to go home. The NH talked to us about her coming home in a couple of weeks...........
I am absolutely burned out. I am not from this town and I want to go home to my own family, I miss my children and my grandchildren are growing up without me......
When I was in my 20's my grandmother fell and needed skilled nursing from that point on. I traveled to her town for her, I moved her to a NH in my own town, I saw her almost every single day for 18 months. I had absolutely no help from my family, even had to handle the funeral and estate settlement myself. But I was glad to help her. I WANTED to help her, to take care of her. .........Now I am here, in my 50's, and helping my mother.....and I do not want to do this. I am crying, slipping into my depression (years of meds for that, I can feel it coming on), and I want out.....I do not really understand why I was so glad to help my grandmother and why I do not want to help my mother anymore. ....... Well, maybe it is the hurtful things Mom has said over the years, even as recently as this week, maybe it is the level of care she/they expect me to provide......I wish I was a better person....I wish I was a stronger person.....I wish my faith would help me thru this, but all I feel is panic, fear, dread and depression....I wish my siblings would do this.
My dad has been with me since 1997. He & my mother were staying with me while selling their home in another state and looking for a home to live out their retirement. I love my parents very much and enjoyed having them. Sadly, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer while with me and she died a very traumatic death at home with me in 1998. I was devastated, as was my father and suggested he stay with me while he was grieving.
I bought a house, got a promotion at work and while my father left his job and moved with me. I do have siblings and they offered to help my dad pay for his own place but never followed through.
My father was then in a car accident and had a subdeural hematoma over 1/4 of his brain. It was a long recovery but he did pretty well. At the same time I was assaulted and beaten and suffering ptsd, though I did not realize it.
My dad went to another state to be near my brother and lived on his own. I visited and found him having bad stomach issues and not taking his meds regularly. My brother is great but was not much of a caregiver in this area. I stayed there to help my dad with food & medicine. I got a new job which was great for me but I really needed to get back to my career and my dad wanted to go "back home" where his friends were. I got a job with a great company in New York and moved my dad into an apartment by his golf course. He hated it and moved in with me 6 months later. I could see that he was having more serious memory issues and thought it was best as my other two siblings who lived nearby would not help. While there, he had a perforated ulcer resulting in major infection and surgery which then damaged his liver.
All hell broke loose! Between a head injury and liver issues (he now develops hepatic encephalopathy) he became a nightmare to deal with. While always stubborn & impulsive he was now irrational on top of it. He had several hospitalizations (at least 15 in that year) and went for rehab/nursing. He became more ill there due to medication error and stayed for about 3 months.I did get him aprroved for the Older Adult Waiver program that allowed him to move back home with in home care. The catch was that I needed to live with him. My siblings nearby would not take him.
The program gives him inhome care part time, which is a Godsend. Except when the aide is awful-then it is even worse.
Now, he has pretty difficult dementia/encephalopathy issues, a broken neck, liver failure,anemia...and does not think he needs any help. He becomes argumentative and is now pushing & hitting if someone wants to go out with him. He cannot find his way alone-but insists he is walking home to another state.
At least he apologized today for hitting me.
I have so hoped I could create an environment where he could be happier but it doesn't seem to be working. My health is being affected and my life before seems like a very distant memory.
I am so worried about he next step. He hated the NH and was always trying to leave & calling the police. But I am afraid I might be making a mistake trying to keep him at home. He has no life & just watches tv. I really don't know what to do next.
Having said all that, today I am nearly paralyzed with anxiety about my Dad's situation. (head injury from car accident, bad liver issues post surgery for perforated ulcer, hemolytic anemia and a broken neck at C2).
He did apologize for hitting me finally. I live with him and am his caregiver. I have gotten in home care, also. Helpful, but just had to get rid of one-she was not truthful about him falling when his neck broke and then last week she grabbed his arm so hard I could see her handprint in his skin in the form of a bruise. It split his skin.
I am so worried about now not having enough money to pay bills and am so behind I need to find other housing. I am panicked and not even sure if caring for him at home is working anymore.
Burnout, for sure, but I am worried that it is causing me to miss signs that he needs more help than I am able to give him.
Trying to breathe today...
Plus if this will help you a bit, look at your situation that you have manage to take care of her the best way you can n I bet u have been taking care of your mom by yourself without your fiancé being around. That means you r a very loving, devoting n caring person n you love your mom very much. Maybe if you can afford a few hours of 'Respite care' that would make a hugh difference for you to just get out n breathe. U have someone that can help watch your mom so u can get a break?
From your post, I understand that you don't like to be alone n I am the same way. Yet, right now your mom is with you n enjoy every day that you two get to spend togther. If your mom was to pass away and heaven forbid that was to happen, you are already doing all you can. Please try to Stop being so hard on yourself. You can only do so much. I lost my mom in her sleep n I was terribly upset. However, I knew she wasn't happy here n that with her passing in her sleep, she had went fast n straight to heaven. My mom was only 56. I still miss n love her but I know she is happy where she is now. I hope I didn't step on any of your toes or said anything wrong to offend you. I just wanted you to know that I hear you n that you need to let some of that frustration out without harming anything that has a heartbeat. Go get that light weight noodle floating thing n Go Whack some trees or limbs! It does help relieve some of the stress.
As for her leg to keep clean, if you are talking about her using bathroom on herself? Can she wear depends to help keep the mositure n bacteria out until her leg can heal? maybe wrap it with plastic pull over panties? What about sponge baths instead of in the tub until it can have more time to heal. You did say the dr said it look better than last time. As for feeling alone, do you not have any pets arounds I know its not the same n it will never replace a person n especially your mom. Yet they can become very helpful sometimes n maybe it would be good to have a one around for you n your mom? I talk n pat to my pets when i get stressed out n it does seem to calm me down a bit when I am having one of those struggling day with the mil. I have to admit, I whack the hell out of our huge oak tree in backyard n it does help as well as talking to other people n seeing my doctor. Hang in their n we r all here for you. I hope you r able to get some rest.
And hey, i have an idea, why doesn't someone bring ME a hot apple pie.... thats part of my problem right now....realizing again, that none of my family give a hairy rats ass if I am ok, so those of you who know, on top of my job, I also have a bag of broken bones son, who doesn't know he can pick up the phone and ask some one else to do something for him... forgot his PT appt. today, but I promise you, I didn't EVEN take that shit on......told a good friend today, I hang on to this unhealthy relationship with my son, because then I would have no family at all... and in reality.... I have no family at all, including him... but I will allow myself that illusion until I have some energy to address it and do something healthy for myself.... I can tell ya'll, I don't go to this place of craziness very often, but damnit, when I do... it's a roller coaster ride.....very clear about what M triggered in me today.... and I'll deal with it.... not only is caregving not for sissys, neither is LIFE..... and Beck, I wouldn't waste a good run with my hand in the air on someone who wouldn't even blink an eye. I'll save that for the cop that stops me while I am driving 70 down residential streets....
I'm going to bed, where I , and others in this city are safe, at least for tonight.... love ya'll and thanks for being there from me.... I don't have family, but I have ya'll and that is deeply appreciated... because that means we 'chose' each other.... how awesome is that ..........love, hugs and angels.....
Welcome to the newcomers!!!!!!!
Ladee- I hope tomorrow is a better day for you!!! Love ya!!!
Well, dad has his appt with the thoracic dr. it is this monday at 9:15. So i guess we will see monday what this dr is going to be all about.
I hope ya'll have a good nite... Love and hugs stormyyy
Seeme....i love ,love,love ur furbabies. They could piss n sh*t in my house all day long...lol.....afterall...Lily has trained me well......hugs
jlamury...Seems that we have something in common...I, too, love to draw, paint or watever "artistic" release i can find. I really got into drawing faces for a while. O, sh*t.....my family thought i was going crazy.....Lets see...there was Whitney Houston...Adele...Whitney Houston......Kim Kardashian, Whitney Houston, n some rap artist that my daughter listens to, n Whitney Houston....lol...I have a bit of an obsession with her....or i did....anyway....it certainly helps me to relax.....o yea.........n dogs......lots of dogs....now thats a challenge cuz they all turn out like Whitney Houston...LOL.....Hang in there..keep painting.....hugs
Last, but not least......Miss Ladee........who the hell gave u permission to have a meltdown today????? Ur always the one who swoops in n lifts the lowly!!! Ur like that neighbor that brings over the freshly baked peach pie to welcome in the people who just moved in next door..Where the F*** is my pie!!!!!! alright.....i'll give u a pass because i know u deserve ur meltdown, but next time ur feeling one coming on, i want u to raise ur left hand above ur head n start running around M.....if that doesnt put a smile on ur face, u can at least get a kick from the look on M's face wen ur doing it..LOL Oh.God.....i would love to b there to watch that. Remember.....left hand ABOVE UR HEAD!!! Now go in there n show em wat ur made of.......I jst love ya.........LYL
And yes, I was trying to step on the paper while circling the island, tearing it, running through the piss, trying to avoid the shit.........it brought back memories of taking care of mom..........for some reason poop is just drawn to me.......look back at my first post ( #1), if you think I am lying..............