This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Stormy-Glad you and your sis are seriously talking. Angels to you, you have alot going on right now.
Lildeb-It's great you're seeing progress in Dad. Very hard, though, to see your SM. Angels to you, too.
It helps to hear some things are going right for some of us. The last few days have been a blur for me. Last night Dad wanted to talk about what he might have wrong with him. I was careful to say that colon cancer wasn't the only possibility, but he's not dumb. Of course, he talked to Mom, who harped at me the minute I got home. "So your Dad says you told him he has rectal cancer." I didn't say anything like the way she made it sound! I really wanted to scream, but I know she is scared. I am trying not to rock the boat until we get some answers, so that means taking a deep breathe and trying not to yell at her. I won't let him do the stairs anymore to do laundry. He is too damn weak. So she had to go with me, because I wasn't allowed to put their wash in the machine. Hmm...like I've never seen "unmentionables" before! Again, I'm doing my best to put up with it until we know something.
This morning, after I cleaned up the bathroom carpet and toliet because he didn't make it in time, Dad asked me to get him some Depends. I feel so bad for him. And so grateful he talks to me, and doesn;'t hide behind his uncomfortableness with the subject, or his pride. It's still hard, though.
Despite our best efforts, he just keeps getting weaker. Keeping him hydrated is really hard. I'm not sure he will make it until the test on Monday. Or if he does, they will take one look at him and admit him. He knows going in is an option, so for now, I'm leaving it up to him.
I was under the impression that they removed a few polyps when he had a colonoscopy three years ago. Last night, he told me they did not remove anything, and told him to come back in three years for another test. I looked at his medical records from down South, and there is an office note that the doc discussed the results with him. The type of polyps listed is the kind that should be removed because they are usually cancer or pre-cancer. And three years between tests is for an at-risk patient. So I don't think things look very promising for him.
So far, nothing since they got here has gone according to plan. I'm getting tired of planning :(
Good news first, got back yesterday n my daddy is doing much better. It was a mess before he left hospital for they had him walk about five steps with a walker n 2 therapy assistance on each side of him and were holding up some with a band wrapped around his waste to prevent him from collasping. They said he did great ne we were all excited. They even got him shaved n he looks like a new man. The dr gave me the running around about his health. So, my brother tried to get him n the nurse said that dr, had talked extensively with his sister n their no changes. I couldn't get anything out of him except everything was alchohl related. Well, I knew that crap! I ask about his liver, kidney n Alzheimers n got nothing but it all related. Finally one of my brothers got him n he told them nothing any more as for percentage wise affected for organs. I ask dr in front of him if he has alzhmeirs that could he give us a statement n he said that we have to go through the social worker. WTF!!!!!
The middle age brother acted okay with it n assume it was the process u go through in order to get the paper work n told me that to quit worrying just because I didn't get a % number of organs affected due to alcohol assumption.
Well, we never got that letter written. I give up on that one.
On the other hand, we were all proud of r dad that he was trying to walk eventhough he had help n we left him to visit the SM. She was moved to another floor because of Cardiology bed shortage. We went up their to see her n she was sitting up in a chair. Of course it wasn't because she wanted to for she kept coming with excuses to get back in bed n they just fix the problem.
However,
As soon as we all got back to our to the house we got a called that the our dad was being released. WTF, he walks a few steps with help n he ready to go? We assume it was because they thought he had no insurance like we did. Yet, I knew he was getting a SSI check. We had went n applied both parents for Medicade like the soical worker directed us to do n that was about the 2nd day they were their at hospital. Here i am now wandering if r dad is in a wheel chair out in the rain waiting on one of us to pick him up even though the social worker said we are not able to take care of him for the needs he will need-Therapy. Iam crying, screaming how in hell can they just realease him? I got with my older brother n told him what I was told n we were getting ready to get the news folks out at the hospital if he was outside. They even told us that people sometimes leave their family member at hospital or at the NH n never come back n they r stuck with the patients n the bills. How could someone do that to their family member.
We were already going through a list for Rehab/NH places that the hospital SW had given us a few days ago n we found out that they won't accept him because of no insurance now that was before we found out Medicare A. Finally, after calling n they did find out after he's been their over a wk that he did have Medicare A. Thank the Lord for that one. I also found out that release don't mean discharge however the next day he was transfered to rehab but with my middle brothers consent.
Better news: The Social Worker got the Rehab center to accept the money in order for SM to be on a bed waiting list n had our Dad transfered to the therapy rehab center. They r working with him n he is doing great n eating much better too. They r trying to get his muscle build back up so he can walk on his own again.They said he gets hard-headed sometimes n they just were not having it n they will talk to him to convince him to try. They r really doing a great job n we got to watch r dad work out as well. As for alcohol vascular AD you can tell sometimes when it kicks in for he ask my brother where his wheel chair was n my older brother told him that he was sitting in it. Ever since then My older brother is taking it real hard about the AD n we know we r not nearly done where to place him yet or SM that is if she gets out of the hospital.
So, that is where we stand for today n we r just taking it One Day at a Time.
Bad New: SM still in hospital n just found out this morning that she is wearing an oxygen tube thing for her oxygen level in her blood has dropped n they cannot get her out of bed now.
She eats about 2 bites n that it is it n she is over 6ft. n weights about 100lbs.. I tried talking to her to please try to eat that we all care n miss n love her. She told me she will eat when she is ready n I tried 3 times n got the same harsh response 3 times. she only 63 yrs old n looks 100 like a skelton.
The younger brother in charge of her money is paying for a bed at the therapy everyday so they will hold it when and if she gets transfer so they can have a place together at the rehab center. but it seems she is not trying., I don't know if something went bad with the marriage or a combination of things. The doctor for her said that she acts like she don't won't to do any better for herself. He had a psychologist talk to her n found nothing wrong with her mind.
I told my older brother to talk to him about getting a counselor to talk to her for they r professionalize in that field to see just what is going on n see to build herself up. I really don't know what else to do with the SM. I feel at lost.
Back home news. sorry so long.
Mnl was very happy I came back but she seems a bit different n not eating all her small portion of meals n a bit extreme moody. She did mention lower back pain n then when I ask again how she felt n where did it hurt. She said she was fine n not hurting. She may have a bladder infection or her and hubby were at their end wits! he did get 4 hrs respite care just like I get once a wk. So, I will keep an eye on her. Hubby has to go to Atlanta for more computer school training this Sunday for 4 days. Well like he told me while I was down with my dad, consider this as a vacation n spends some time their for he will have to go back teaching so I stayed about 9 days eventhough 8 of them were running back/forth. He will have 4 days break n I am going to tell him to consider it as a vacation for himself. ; ) I'm so bad.... sometimes.
Everyone else, I hope you all r doing fine n well for I am just getting back myself n trying to catch up on how everyone is doing.
Cat...bless ur heart..i kno it will take time to adjust to ur new life, but it certainly sounds like dad is in a wonderful NH, with people who will love him n give him the very best care, jst as u did. Not all NH patients are so fortunate to be treated with such love as ur father will be receiving, although, every patient should. Take it slow, n let urself enjoy the time off...u have certainly earned it. Enjoy ur hubby n reconnect ur own personal life...im really excited for u, Cat. It's all going to settle into a comfortable routine....a "new" way to live ur life. Dad will b happy there, i jst kno it. It's a win win....it will jst take time. Love ya Cat
Cat was happy to hear you felt a little lighter last night.... and you will ease out as you see he is adjusting.... and let us know how your hubby is..... prayers for you to get some quite time today.... to just breathe..... hugs....
Then you could be free to check on BIL and sis would be able to get on with her day.
Just a thought. Wishing you well and hoping for a solution.
Hoping my dad is sleeping well tonight. I'll be glad to get his good mattress to him tomorrow.
Hugs, Cattails
Cat- so glad that things went well with your dad yesterday. I hope that he will come to love his new home and find many friends there!!! You are a good daughter!!! Don't forget that.... Love and hugs stormyyyy
Let me explain, Nick is my son. He moved to our location a couple of years ago and is the chef at the nursing home. He went to school at the San Francisco Culinary Academy, then moved to North Dakota where they only eat meat and gravy. He had enough of the cold and long story short, relocated here, which has been nice for us.
His presence at the nursing home, together with his girlfriend being the charge nurse, is an added comfort in placing my dad there.
Chuck Sullivan is my dad's doctor. He is like a piece of gold. We pay him $70.00 per month. Essentially it's a retainer and all of his patients pay that amount. It allows him to keep his patient load low and, in turn he spends as much time as needed with each patient. If you have a medical problem, he will get you in right away. Called him Sunday about my dad and had him on the phone in minutes. He wanted me to bring my dad in today before going to the NH, but his schedule was full. He said, "don't worry, we'll work you in", but I didn't want my dad to have to wait. So my dad has an appointment tomorrow at 9:30am and I'll be taking him. I think this will be easier on all of us.
Karen and Christie took my dad via wheelchair up to the nurses station. He got lots of hugs from staff that knew him before. They put my dad behind the desk. I told him, "Ok dad, now you are in charge. If anyone comes up, you answer their questions." He just cracked up.
As I left, I could smell lunch and knew he would be eating soon. I was so grateful that someone else was doing lunch for him and dinner and breakfast tomorrow.
It has been a long road, lots of years. I know it's not over, but at least now I feel like I am walking on pavement and not uphill on a loose gravel slope.
Yesterday was terrible, today was the day I dreaded. This evening feels lighter. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. The nice thing is I know I can count on all of you to hear my heart and appreciate my feelings.
Setting up hubby for a colonoscopy (sp) to be sure nothing serious with the two bouts of diverticulitis that he has experienced in the last 4 months. Time to start focusing on us.
Love to all of you, Cattails
We got dad to Sequim Health and Rehab this morning. We were able to get him on the same floor as Karen, the charge nurse, (Nick’s girlfriend) and also Christie, who is another nurse manager on the same floor who I just loved when my dad was in rehab. Christie and Karen had requested him. The room on their floor opened yesterday, but the gal in admissions was really kind of hostile to me. Nick went to the manager and got things taken care of. Turns out Nick had fired her son a while back so I guess she had an axe to grind. Yesterday was a hard day.
Nevertheless, my dad has a bed by the window, looking out onto the courtyard. Christie and Karen gave him a nice welcome. My dad loves a pretty face for sure. He shares a room, but his room mate is a younger man, probably in his 40’s. They share the same first names.
I took some of his clothes and staff is marking his name on everything….at least they said they would. I have more to take and will do so tomorrow. We have a much better mattress, which we purchased for him when he arrived with us, so that will be going down along with the air filled roho cushion, a $400.00 item we bought for his chair because when he came here he had the beginnings of a bed sore on his butt. We will also check into buying the air-filled pressure pad that Hospice let us use. It goes on top of his mattress. You can’t get on in NH unless you have bed sores. Of course, these prevent bed sores by redistributing weight. Prevention is worth a pound of cure, so we will check into buying that for him
I’m taking him to Sullivan tomorrow for a 9:30am appointment. Going to do blood work and just an over all check up so we can have a base line and Chuck can see if he needs to address any other concerns to NH. I think my dad will come through the exam fine. His blood pressure today was 118 over 70 and he has regained so strength on the right side.
I met up with Becky on the way out. She is the gal at the front desk and if ever there was a kind soul, it is she. She wanted to talk to me for a minute and told me (in the softest voice and the kindest way) that she could see the toll caring for my dad had taken on me. I know I look and feel like shit, but for me it’s a gradual daily change. For Becky, it had been 9 months since she last saw me. She wanted to tell me that I was one of her favorite people, a very loving daughter and that I was doing the right thing for me and Warren. She’s been through this too with her parents and is probably my age. She gave me the name of a place in Cannon Beach, Or., that she loves and said it was a great place to enjoy. She will be leaving Sequim Health effective Aug. 1st and wanted to say good bye. I will sure miss her, but I have her new # at her next job. It’s a management position and a great step for her.
Marcus had a vet appointment today at 1pm, just annual vaccination etc. After we got him back we went to the casino for a short time to play our favorite penny machine. Came home $50.00 richer. We have built Warren’s $40.00 Father’s Day casino mad money up to around $110.00.
I thought it would take me a few days to do it, but I got the bug to call the company that rented us the bed for dad and also the wheelchair. Boom, they called back around 4:30pm and showed up 10 minutes later to pick the equipment up. In the meantime, Hospice called about paying a visit and so I explained to them that dad was in nursing care. They were very understanding and will call tomorrow to pick up their loaners. I’ll call Soroptomist (sp) and make arrangements to return what we borrowed from them.
I’m doing laundry now, bedding, blankets and clothes from this morning. My poor washer and dryer have been going non-stop for 9 months. We brought them up with us when we moved, so hoping they have a few more years to give us with a lighter work load.
Vic-Sorry your Dad is sick, too. I love this thread because you all can relate to what I go through, and vice versa. I think of you often. Hugs.
Stormy-hope the bil heals fast. For his sake and your sis's. Hugs.
Jam-sorry to hear about your son. It s**ks when the Mom can't protect or fix everything. I know you will be there for him, though, and that's what counts. Hugs.
Ladee-Glad your son is getting PT. And that the new lady is working out. You are awesome for the dignity you give S - your special calling, I think. The world could use more of you.
I hope I didn't miss anyone. If I did, it's not because your're not special. It's because my brain is mush!
Mom's appt. went well. I took her for a bit of grocery shopping, too. Dad seems amazed she is being so relaxed about going with me. Well, I just don't have the energy right now to deal with her sharp toungue, and she does seem to be trying to curb it a bit. I guess that's progress. :)
Can't get Dad in before Monday for the colonoscopy. So we'll just try to make it through the next few days. He had leg and neck cramps this afternoon, so I'm pushing drinking water again. I really appreicate all your prayers.
The nurse who called to do his pre-op history was so nice. I really like all the docs and nurses there. They treat you like a real person. I am very blessed with that.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Notlike, Have you heard anything about getting in sooner for your Dad's appt??? Like Vic, I know you are worried about your dad, let us know something...Prayers for you and Vic and your dads.
Stormy, guess you'll just have to let sis crash and burn.... just do what you can do and let go of the rest... easier said than done I know.... but you can't convince her she is killing herself, this just makes me even more grateful that I have learned to say NO....hugs to you
I got the most wonderful surprise today, Meno posted a hug on my wall, I almost cried..... what a sweetheart and so grateful my blunder did not keep his daugher from letting him post again.... so many things he has shared that is making such a difference in how I care for S...... and yesterday was a first.... went to check on him in the bathroom, he was washing his hands in the toilet!!!!! thank God he had already flushed.... but trying to handle that and not embarrass him was a real challenge....that was a knee jerk moment for me... don't know how I managed to not bellow out at him... it would have scaired him, but also embarrassed him.... thanks to Meno, I had a tiny pause there that helped the situation... so now I do bathroom duty, most times he can't find the toilet so I am in there anyway, but i do shut the door and give him privacy.... but am standing outside the door listening... don't want a repeat performance of that.... thought M was going to puke when I told her... and she actually was making jokes today....Isn't God just awesome..... ya never know until you set some boundries with these grumpy elders....
Sure has felt nice to not have to go back these past few days...the new lady is working out great.... again, will give the credit to God.....
Cat, we might not hear from you today, but know I am thinking of you and prayers sent....
Beck, glad you got the new brace so that when you are being a sissy with those panic attacks, deep sigh, you can loosen the brace..... and all this time I thought you were such a brave little girl, hmmm, another illusion destroyed....
Love ya'll, keeping ya'll in my thoughts and prayers.....
Notlike- I am sorry your dad is having such a time of it lately. I hope the drs will be able to help him. You are in my prayers!!!
Cat- I am sending your a prayer for strength today as i know it will be difficult day for you. Sending you a (((((((((big hug))))))))))) too!
Jam- You are right about sis, she will wear herself out taking care of dad, hubby and that crazy store. I saw her today and i can tell all of this is wearing on her already. I wish there was more i could do for her but i have so much going on with having to take care of my family and dad that there isn't much time for anything else. She told me that the drs have put in a pic line. I guess for when he comes home. She said that when they put one of those in that, that means they are going to be on iv antibiotics for awhile. And she is trying to get someone to put up a handrailing at her house for when bil comes home. She said they said maybe friday he could go home. Today at 2 they are going in his foot again to debree it. Ya'll pray that everything looks good. Love and hugs stormyy
Am so sorry to hear about your son. My brother was diagnosed awhile back with same. Had my mom bummed for awhile. I think he is doing pretty good as he has changed his eating habits and has lost some weight. He still takes insulin but not much.
Very sad yesterday and today I hope I can work myself out of this.....my son was diagnosed with Type II diabetes and it just has me bummed. The only family history was my mother and ex mil......and they were both age-related and weight-related onset.
Also talked with the col and she was calling Target by her father's name, and then she asked about her husband and we had to explain that he passed away in 1997....she couldn't remember he was gone.....:( she was wondering where he was. Target asked her if she remembered any part of sitting in the hospital daily for 7 mo until he passed....not a day.
Hoping you all have a good day. Am going to visit with son later....he started his insulin last night and called his momma to complain about it stinging.....he may be almost 33 y/o, but he's still my baby!
Cat tails my thoughts and prayers are with you today
Notlike good for you! Hope colonoscopy shows something..and collecting poop! Eww but we do what we have to.
Jam..will look up tic fever ..dad is taking probiotics..he drank plenty yesterday. Had another water bowel all over. Wish I could fix it. Get tests done tec but he wouldn't make it through anesthesia (sp?). Feel so powerless but blessed. Will keep racking my brain. Today is moms birthday! 92! Oh my! Notlike thankfully she can still do for herself. I can't imagine having both unable like...darn can't remember her name..but both her parents are bedridden God Bless her!!
We all do the best we can and pray it is enough. Love y'all hope the day is as good as it can be and we all remember to breath!
Cattails..u have been heavy on my mind all day today. I've wanted to post to u, but couldnt find the words that my heart was feeling...i jst kept crying.. I cannot imagine the emotions that u r having about dad, but i kno that u have been the most loving n wonderful daughter whose priority has always been for nothing but the best care possible for ur dad. I kno that 2moro will b difficult n emotional, but i hope u can come to a place of peace about the decision. As loving caregivers, we have to realize that wen "we" can no longer give the best care necessary for r loved ones, that we are still doing the most loving and compassionate thing we can do by knowing wen it is time to place them elsewhere. Placement in a NH does not mean we failed as a caregiver, it means we love them enough to know wen we must pass the torch to those who can carry on wat we have begun. I admire ur courage n i will b praying for u that things go well. Please let us kno.. sending u much love n more hugs than i can hold!!