This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Placing my dad tomorrow morning. I am so exhausted. Going to bed early tonight.
Hugs and Prayers to all.
Cattails
Vic-Thanks, hon. I am sort of worried about how I will handle the both of them at once. What you do every day is amazing. Hugs.
Jam - words of wisdom, even without a real shower :)
Everyone else - not forgetting you, just very tired. I know we all have things we're facing. My heart goes out to each and every one of you.
Life as I knew it is over for now. No more Dad to drive them to appointments and shopping. I can't let him - he's too sick and weak. Wondering if/when I will have to have him admitted, but holding his own for now. Doc is doing a 24 stool test to see how much he really is absorbing from what he eats. Such fun to collect.
After some pushing, I got his colonoscopy scheduled for next Monday. They first said they were full until the 27th, but I told him he'll be an inpatient by then if they don't figure this out. Pills still aren't helping. I hate to see him like this. That's the worst part.
I'm getting a taste of not having a minute to myself. Pick up lab stuff on the way home, start dinner for all, water their garden, finish dinner, show them neice's email pix, ect, ect. And try to soothe his fears. And that was the first 2 hours after I got home! Really not complaining, just making the time adjustment. Mom has 2 routine appointments I would have skipped comign up, which I will have to take her to now. Plus Dad's colonoscopy. I hope we get some answers and they can make him feel better.
Sorry for the jumbled post. Everything feels all mushed together and crazy right now. No wonder I feel like crying all day long.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Such pain and turmoil going on this morning and my heart is with each of you. I gave up my active care giving last Oct when hubby says "we can't do this anymore because Mom is going to really hurt herself"....and he knew I wasn't able to pick her up and do all the physical things that needed done. It all happened so fast that I really didn't have time to think about it beforehand. One think to keep in mind is that by the time this happens, our loved one's mind is in such a place that they aren't aware of what is going on. Prior to placement the col would tell us "don't ever put me in a home, I'll just die"....well it's been 9 mo and she's still kicking! Sure, she tells me every time I talk to her ON THE PHONE that "I'm incarcerated here"....never in person, she always has a smile on her face. The only guilt I felt was when she got pneumonia about a month after placement...but I got over that fast. Wasn't my fault and she might have gotten it being at home. And the other feeling that went through me, and one that a lot of people would never admit to for someone else shaming them, is relief. Yes, knowing I didn't have to start the bedtime routine at 10pm.....and not get to bed myself until after midnight. I didn't have to look forward to wiping the poop from every orifice, I could fix what I wanted to eat, I didn't have to make arrangements for her when I needed to run errands, I could walk outside and know I wouldn't find her lying in the grass or over the edge of the pond or smeared across the highway. And visiting with her became a joy immediately......the stress of the care giving was gone and I could enjoy her company again. So it doesn't have to be a stress-filled situation if you don't allow it. Go into it with a positive attitude and it works!
stormy........I may be overstepping things here but from what I am reading no matter what happens, sis is going to do things the way she wants them, even putting her own health at risk, so maybe you should stop worrying and trying to come up with solutions.....isn't going to matter in the end. Until sis understands that she can't take care of everyone, she is going to try, just love her and be there for her because she will get too tired one of these days and will need you to lean on, finally. I care about you.....or I wouldn't fuss at you!
lady........good luck with the VA and let us know how things come out......just in case we need to bring you a cake in seeme's spa....:)
notlike.....sending prayers that Dad starts to feel better soon and hoping there is a simple reason for his illness.
beck.....how is your hand? Maybe if I have no shower leaks today my brain will start to work on making fun of you...:) I sympathize with you though....I've had surgery twice on my left thumb and the pain afterwards drove me straight up a wall!
ladee......send some of that rain this way please!!!! Glad to hear the other person is working out....and good thing son finally got started on PT.
cmag...........cow pattie......yippee!
Did I leave anyone out.....it's not intentional.....thinking of you all!
Ladee so glad to hear lady will work out. That will give you much needed rest physically and emotionally.
Stormy..you guys are in prayers. You are a special one.
Yesterday was a bad day. Too many questions and not enough answers. Dad does not have a bowel infection. That's good, but also bad, because that would be simple enough to treat. So they still don't know what is wrong with him. Now they want to do a colonoscopy, which he can't have for at least a week, because he has to stop taking Plavix first. And the doc wants serious sedation during the procedure, so he has to be cleared first, and there are risks. So more waiting, and at this point, I don't think whatever answers we get will be good. It's not normal to have the diarrhea for weeks (this is week #4). The choices of what could be causing this are getting slimmer, and more serious. He got a new med yesterday to help stop him up, but that doesn't seem to be working, either.
Mom is scared. She does not like depending on me, but Dad is too sick to do much for her. So there's lots going on, with trying to ease her into this. She keeps pushing him to do stuff, and I have to keep gently pushing back.
Worry, stress, fear...my companions right now.
When my lady Ruth died, I could not have put one foot in front of the other without the love and support on this sight, I didn't have time to grieve as I had to get another job, and the following year was unbelievably hard.... and I'm just a paid cariegiver... but love is love... doesn't matter who the sender or reciever is.... I had guilt that I didn't push harder for the family to understand what could have been prevented... but with all that being said... things work out just as they are supposed to.... we each have our own lessons to learn with each situation we find ourself in.....we are only alone on this journey if we choose to be... too many folks on here with tons of love and support, regardless of how tired, worn out, sick of poop, and hearing the same question asked a million times... we are here for each other.... always.... so I appreciate that you took the risk to get vulnerable and share what is going on.... it won't be easy, but it is do-able... easy is not a word caregivers know or use.... so keep coming back, and as Jam says, we'll leave the light on for ya.... hugs
Lady, the island is still there... and give the VA hell, you know how it works, and let us know what happens.... and no we don't have a bail fund, but we do have one unbelievable prayer chain.....and I know you wouldn't give them the satisfaction of letting them put you in jail.... You'll be able to make more noise on the outside... so let us know how it went.... hugs to you this morning....
The new lady is going to work out perfect... she brings a very positive energy to the situation, and I need that also.... so now I won't worry about S and M and also won't feel so stretched between my son and them everyday... Son started serious PT yesterday... three months after the wreck... he seemed in really good spirits yesterday... so prayers for my bag of broken bones son..... these past few months have been so hard, couldn't have done without ya'll.... love and deep appreciation for all of you....
And a special shout out to Beck for defending me on another thread, I made a typo and got 'slapped', but I apologized, that 's all I can do, it was a human mistake.... I accept my humaness, don't think the lady that 'slapped' me does, but that's ok too... it's just called LIFE.....
Love, Cattails.
It almost sounds to me like you have some survivor guilt.
What you did in placing him in the NH under the circumstances was the most loving thing you could do for both him and yourself, plus your husband.
One recommendation that I have is to focus more on he is where he can receive the level of care he now needs; you can reclaim some of your life; you and your husband can enjoy more of your retirement now; you can reconnect with your husband, and you can take better care of you.
If this deep sadness continues to make you feel sick to the point that you are not able to move forward from this point, then my other suggestion is to find someone to talk face to face about this. It also sounds like your anticipatory grief has skyrocketed for going to a NH has a finality to it that going to rehab does not. This is all sad, but know that you are not alone.
Changing the subject, sometimes, I think we caregivers want to be the super caring adult child, sort of like some parents want to be a super parent for their own children, but neither is possible or healthy. People can loose touch with their spouses in either raising children or in taking care of an elderly parent. The former, I've seen. The latter, I've experienced, but not anymore. One sad plight that I've read about on this sight but never seen are parents who loose touch with their grown children and young grandchildren because of their care giving situation or an over focus on it.
Well, it is very late and I'm not sleeping well for some reason. So, I will try to go back to sleep.
I hope something that I've written is helpful.
And I would be worried if you weren't feeling sad... and I know you know this in your head, but not in your heart yet, you are NOT abandoning you dad.... you are placing him where he will get good care, attention, all the things he needs... and you are going to grieve this... it's normal and naturual... it's not fun, but it is normal.... so try to forgive yourself for being human...... my personal belief is we are born spiritual and spend the time we have on earth trying to accept our humaness.....so hope you have some sort of Higher Power to give this too, and keep sharing with us.... and it will get different... I don't say it will get better, I hate that saying... it gets DIFFERENT , and becomes something we can live with..... so be kinder to yourself..... and keep us updated as to how things are going and how you are.... hugs across the miles to you...
Your sis has run herself into the ground and my heart really goes out to her. None of us are robots who can just go on and on and on. Bless her, I'm sure she does feel like she neglected her husband. I feel like I have neglected mine, so I can relate.
Just a heads up to all of you, I have been really struggling lately. We have decided to put my dad in NH care. His medicaid application has been approved and I feel sick about placing him and also hopeful about reclaiming my life. The feeling sick part has been ripping me apart lately. I know I've reached my limit, but I feel so bad for my dad. It's hard to reconcile the knowing it's right for us and the sadness i feel for him. I haven't talked about this very much until the last day or two. It seemed so close to the bone for me that I was at a loss as to what to say or who would understand.
Lately, I've been kind of hard on people on various threads. Doing the soap box, tough love stuff and Ladee was kind enough to gently remind me that I was being a bit of a hard ass. Not her exact words by any means, but I appreciated her comments because they were right and also that she cared about what I was going through.
Right now, I am pissed off, sad and hopeful, but at least I am talking about it.
Sending you all love and comfort and some relief from the stress, Cattails.
I know that if bil moved in with dad or vice versa that it probably would be bad and it would not work out but i have just been trying to figure out a solution to it all. The thing is that sis works long hours. 12 hour days some days and others are 9 hour days. Then she has been staying at night with dad so she would not hardly see hubby that much and she already feels like he is in this situation because she neglected him when she knew that he had drainage coming from his foot. And i know she is not going to go back to how things were for awhile. She lives a block away from dads house within walking distance. Thats why i don't understand why she just doesn't leave dad there at night and go home. She could be back over there at dads in two shakes of a lamb tail if he needed her. And he knows how to dial a telephone. Sometimes she is as hardheaded as he is. And i could go check on bil and see if he needed anything during the day since i will be right there at him. But sis will run herself ragged between the two houses. She already had two drs appt for herself this month for blood in her urine. Suppose to get a ct scan of her kidneys and have another procedure to figure out what is going on. And she has cancelled both of them. She just started going back to the dr a couple of months ago, she hasn't been to one in a very, very, very long time. I sure as shit don't need her to get down and out. Cause if she does i will be checking myself into the 5 star dorothy dix hotel or the closest one i can find. Stormy's vacation spot!!!!!! As for what bil would think of him and dad moving into the same house he would not like that at all. I don't think he would like that on a good day let alone with him hurting and feeling like shit. But sis and i have just been trying to weigh out all the options and possibilities right now. We still do not know what we are going to do. If i hear of anything i will let ya'll know. Thanks everyone for the suggestions i appreciate them. Love and hugs stormyyy
Burned....u have to tell us the real definition of that word, cuz its become my favorite word....my headstone will read..."Metamorphically Dead"....thanx to u....lol
New lady starts this eveing at M's , will be there to show her around, and see how she does with S.... M sounded very pleased with her... so a little prayer for a good outcome today... I am feeling a lot less stressed and am getting rest, between letting my bag of broken bones son figure some stuff out on his own, and getting some help at S and M's.... I am almost feeling human again..... we finally got some rain yesterday... I sat on the steps for a few minutes and just let it rain on me.... felt sooooo goooood..... I'm so grateful I do not see the need to be an 'adult' all the time..... settin in the rain thinking about the "island"... ya, uh huh, a little respite where ever I can get it.... find one thing to laugh about today... love ya'll....
And beck I've even left you alone and not made fun of you!
Wanted to pop in this morning and throw my two cents in.....just can't resist it I suppose....:)
stormy......this event with bil doesn't have to turn into a stressful situation.....as ladee says, has anyone asked bil what he wants when he gets home? We can already see that putting him and Dad together is an impossible thing to do. Besides I can guarantee Dad doesn't want to leave his home and doing that might put him under more stress than he needs. Bil will be fine....he won't be an invalid....he'll be able to get up and fend for himself. Just make sure fluids are handy for him and fix some meals that are easy for him to either pop in the microwave or prepare himself. You know, this might be the perfect time to bring in someone else to help watch Dad......then you could pop in and check on bil for sis during the day just to see that he has everything he needs. It's a win-win for everyone.
Nothing much to report on the col.......she was concerned on the 4th about all the activity at the NH because Nanny died the day before......Nanny was her mother who died in 1993. When she talks she simply throws words together that don't make much sense to us...maybe they do to her...but it's like her brain cannot process the correct words to make a sensible statement.
Hope everyone has a wonderfully perfect day.........think "ladee's island".......and I will bring the airport hunk from the commercials.....:)
tension n frustration to a situation that is already difficult. I kno this is a hard decision to make, bcuz u want wats best for both of them. I feel for u, Stormy...but if u n sis make sure that bil has everything he needs before sis leaves for work, it could work out well for him. As long as he has someone that is available to get to him,should he need some thing, i think it would be fine. Maybe im being too optimistic, but i kno it can b done from wat i went thru. I dont kno if this is helpful to u n ur situation, but i jst thought i'd suggest it. I'm praying for u, and hope that all goes well with the next surgery. Ask the dr. if it would b safe to leave him alone during the day...that would change how u approach all of this. Hang in there, Stormy....huge hugs n my thoughts n prayers will b with u.