This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Lady, Ya know Busey had issues before his Motorcycle wreck, now he fascinates me even more... but I like the really complicated ones anyway, just ask all my ex's and yes, they live in Texas.... ye haaaaa....
And you talking about Dad getting away from you... one day I had come back from a few hours respite, had Ruth at her daughters, forgot to get the potty, so I ran next door, leaving Ruth on the porch,, she didn't run away, but she did squat and pee on the porch as I was dragging the potty up the ramp.... thank God we lived in the country.... I know, if we didn't laugh about some of this, we'd all be commited...to an island... ya, that's it... to an island....
Wanted everyone to know spoke with Seeme yesterday.... she is very tired, wanting this house cleaning of MIL house to be over with.... MIL was a hoarder, so it is taking the whole family to get things done... but she said to tell everyone HI, and she'll post when she has caught her breath when she gets home... won't be heading back until this coming FrI...
We finally got a little rain, sure cooled things off a little, hope you all had at least one good thing happen today.... hugs to you all...
My imagination is really going now.
Notlike, Keep up the good work. I know what you mean about taking them shopping. I took my hubby Richard to buy him some new swim trunks. I turned my back for less than a min. and he disappeared. I finally found him on the far side of the store. I was so scared. I found him because I could follow the direction of my name being yelled.
People, Have you ever had your dishes washed in the dishwasher mind ya, 3 times in about 2 hours. Richard loves to run the dishwasher. So he did LOL.
I did'nt have a chance to empty it before he would start it again. Its a crazy nutty life we live.
Lots of hugs, Wanda
Notlike, sorry your dad still isn't feeling better.... give him a hug for me please, and let him know he's in my prayers.... and shopping with MOM.... poor thing, that would be YOU, not mom.... and congrats girl for the inches lost... very proud of you... that's one great motivator to keep on keepin on..... and you need to find a mosquito net that you can suspend from the ceiling of the porch and when you set down, it covers you... I know hubby can rig you up something.... and yes, you can go to the island too, it's open to anyone with an imigination... and that would be US..... love ya girl... take care and breathe tomorrow while shopping.....
Lady-all I can say is "I am woman, hear me roar!" Hugs.
Let's see...I survived shopping with Mom. I can even laugh now about her wondering out loud why they don't put all the 50% off sale items in the same place, so she wouldn't have to walk around so much. And I'm from Milwaukee, so I love a good polka, but it's supposed to come with beer - not driving from store to store because that's the CD she wanted to listen to. The answer to "Are you too cold with the air on?" was "I don't know." Hmm...I can't begin to guess at that one. And you know how soup is in the store...in those racks where a can drops down when you take one? And a picture of the soup on each rack? Only my Mom would tap the picture and wait for me to pick up the soup for her! Oh Lord, please let Dad get better soon...
Tomorrow I am going to drop her off for church, then more shopping when I pick her up. I can hardly wait.
Got measured at the gym this week..and I lost inches everywhere! Yipee!
Dad still is sick. I hope they have an answer for us on Monday and can give him some meds.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Beck, Ok, we are going to do a peaceful meditation....
You are on an island with Johhny Depp, OH WAIT, that's MY meditation, hmmm lets see... Ok, you are on an island with ( fill in the blank), you have this cast on your arm, and you are breathing into a paper bag.... and ( fill in the blank) tells you how beautiful your skin looks that amazing blue color..... and the sweat on your forehead only makes your skin glisten...... as you start to calm down.. you realize you are being silly for letting an inanimate object send you over the edge... it's a cast Beck, not an anchor, not a parrot, it's a cast... and when you get it off, you will be one whole happy woman.... did I get a little carried away with the "whole" part.....????? Oh well, just know you are missed, and we are waiting for you to get all things moving again as we need you here... you don't have to get some one to drive you to the computer do you????? Alrighty then, be a good girl, keep the cast on so we don't have to hear all the guilt and shame for taking it off to soon... it is too f##king hot to listen to all that...... love ya, and type one word at at time and submit it...... what ever works.....
As for me...as ladee knows...i hate this cast sh*t....cant get to mom n dad unless smone takes me....this cast gives me f-n panic attacks...n to top it all off....im getting fat!!!!! At this point, dads doing a hell of alot better than me.. huge hugs n prayers for all you.
Sorry..I'm so exhausted. I started this comment feeling fine. But suddenly, the computer is blurring, thoughts are sluggish...I'm going to call it a night. (I tried to grab a nap this afternoon but dad kept talking, and talking and talking. I gave up the nap.) Later....
Also, I spent the morning with fave sis. We were talking. I guess I don't sound as stress as before. Because she asked me if viewing family as having the right Not to help parents, and therefore my no longer Expecting help - does it really help me? I said, YES! It makes so much difference. I learned this from several of you guys. Some says it subtly, and others straight out. But, it really works! Thanks.
Unfortunately, same family still comes to me for sounding board, sympathy of Their problems, etc... Very hard to tell them that if they can't help me with My problem, why do they expect me to help with Theirs?...
Stormy-more hugs. And prayers for your bil. Hope all went well with Dad.
" Does the Negativity and emotional abuse ever get easier to live with" thread and read posts by Menohardy...... this amazing man is sharing the other side of the coin.... letting us into the world of Alz/dementia..... truly amazing... dont' miss what he has to say.... hugs to everyone, time to get moving....
Right now, I am overwhelmed with the weight your sis is carrying and I don't know how she manages to keep going. I am going out on a limb here, but I can see how you want answers to your dad's tests. I think you just want to know when it is going to end. If your dad gets a diagnosis that cancer has spread to his lungs, then you can feel the end is in sight. Maybe I'm misreading your thoughts, but maybe not, but I do feel you want this over with.
Stormy, it will end someday and probably sooner rather than later. I agree with Ladee and others who have told you to just take each day as it comes. Sometimes the more we resist something, the stronger the object of our resistance becomes. Can you release your resistance? Give it to God or the universe or whatever and just go with the flow.
I'm not saying you should stay with your dad at night, but can you do it during the day and see it as a mission of mercy. For the time that you are with him, can you see yourself as an angel of God giving comfort? Can you see your dad as a little boy, like Connor, and realize that the child is still within him? It is within all of us. Would it help you to "care" for him if you could see him differently in your mind and heart?
I wish I could offer you words of wisdom, but I don't think I really understand the core of what you feel or the history you have experienced.
I am sending you love and wishing you comfort. And I am praying that you will feel both. Hugs, Cattails
Back to bil- drs said that he has a piece of bone that is looking black and they are going to go in tomorrow and remove the piece of bone. It is the bone that connects to the 4th toe bone. So hopefully that will be all that they have to remove.They said that if they didn't remove it then it could spread to his bone marrow. So that is the plan for tomorrow. So keep him in your prayers please. Love and hugs, thanks for listening ya'll stormyyy
Stormy-Slow down there, girl! Please take a deep breath and try to just handle one thing at a time. Decide right now what you can and cannot do to help - your Dad, sis, and yourself - and work towards making that happen. Your Dad may be unhappy with what you and sis decide, but there is more than one person needing both your attention right now. For now, you may have to go with "good enough" and not be able to make everyone happy. Who knows? Maybe having this lady in at night will convince your Dad to get more outside help. Maybe bil illness will help your sis to let go a bit from Dad's care. There may actually be some good that comes from all this. The Lord, fate, karma - they all work in mysterious ways. Many, many hugs to you, too.
Ladee-thanks for your support about Mom and Dad. No lab results yet, so we are still in a holding pattern. Have added PeptoBismal, Activia yogurt, and Vitamin water to the arsenal. Watered the garden for them tonight. Haven't actually had any big talk with Mom. The most I can manage right now is being gentle, but firm, about what I am doing and what's best for Dad. Maybe the rest of what I think should be said will come later.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
I need to mention one more thing. Your dad and step-mom will need to get qualified for Medicaid. Remember the 5 year look back. Her youngest son can't be given the property. Medicaid will view the property as an asset and they will not cover their care if they have gifted their land. I'm simplifying, but that's the bottom line.
Also, it sounds like neither of them are competent to legally sign a POA. You will probably need to go the guardian route if they mental impairment does not improve.
The main thing now is to see to it that your father gets into a good facility for continuing care and rehab.
I am praying for you and your family. Take care of yourself and be careful driving home. Don't get distracted with all that you have on your mind.
Hugs, Cattails