This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
beck......good luck with your surgery today....make sure to get good drugs so your respite is soooooo much nicer....:)
stormy....will be waiting to hear, let us know when you can.
ladee.....yippee on the air conditioner......and I'm sure Diva thanks you too. My brats don't know there is any other way to live.
seemesue......have a safe trip to Maine.....hope the in-laws are being good and minding their manners.
thetrog......yep, at one time or another we have all had that feeling.....then we realize we just have to turn around and come back and then look at all the gas we used! So tell us what is going on in your life and maybe we can help to lighten your load a little.
Ohiogal......what is going on to make your day lousy? Sometimes it helps to write it all down and share and then the burden doesn't seem as heavy as before.
Carol....sending prayers and hugs to you! Part of what makes us sad when we get to this point is having to face our own mortality now......not an easy thing to do. Even though we might want to keep our loved one with us, we all know in reality that won't occur......is there someone close to you that you can talk to with your feelings? Do you have some type of clergy that you can turn to? Depending on your beliefs, sometimes it helps to hear what is waiting for this new stage in their life.....makes the letting go a little easier.
Crystal.....sometimes others have valid reasons why they won't or can't help with the care of a loved one. I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid either. You won't change any of your siblings........I've been there also. I was always trying to get my sister to step up and help with my mother's care, but she always had some excuse....it didn't change and I didn't stop trying, yes it's frustrating. And guess who wailed and beat their chest the loudest when mom passed? I haven't spoken to sister yet and that was almost 2 years ago.
notlike....got a chuckle about the anniversary card. It reminded me that I spent a while yesterday looking for a card for my son and dil that said something to the effect of "I'm sorry you are stuck with a fishwife"......................so I'm playing Grandma today and watching the girls while they go to dinner and probably one of the casinos. And I'll just tell them happy anniversary...............
Renovations continue today........the heat will be in the 100's again, this is going to last for another week with no rain in sight. My backyard is brown and crispy except for around the garden.....such a pretty green, I'm dreading when the water district tells us we have to monitor water use. I've got a ton of huge green tomatoes so I hope the heat won't get them.
Sending prayers and angels for a peaceful day for all of you............let us hear from you when you have a few moments.
cadarn, none of us are ever really prepared.... when they are with us, all we see is the work, the stress, the exhaustion, when their end is near, then we see our life without them... it's pretty much the same for most of us.... grieving for your mom and being released from the exhausting caregiveing are two different things... I am sorry about mom, please keep us posted... hugs and prayers....
Ohiogal, sorry your day sucks, come back and visit and tell us what;s going on...
thetrog, you are not alone.... everyone here shook their head YES when they read your post... we all feel like that... but come back and let us get to know you, at least this will break up your day a little...
Notlike, LOL about the card, and I'm sure an old head shop somewhere has the card you are looking for... and the getting naked, well, the neighbors might forget , but I wouldn't.... sorry, it's hot, but not that hot..... love ya, glad ya got a day off..
SeemeSuenami, go give em hell in Maine.... you got all your cheerleader here, cheering you on... and bring ME back something..... love ya and have a safe trip....
well , the daughter laid the bomb on M today, she was NOT a happy camper.... but I finally told her after being glared at, There is nothing for you to take personal here, I AM TIRED.... so she has agreed to interview the person I picked..... told the lady, I got you this far, the rest is up to you..... so, I may actually feel like a human here real soon.... and I received such an awesome blessing today..... a friend of mine is going to get me another AC..... I am so blessed so many many times in my life, of friends helping me when I thought I couldn't breathe in or out one more day.... so I will be cool after this weekend, and will spare the universe the bikini or nude catastrophe that would ensue...gives me the shivers just thinking about it, not the new AC, the whole nude thing LOL....
Ok, prayers for the interview to go well with M, I so need a break here... I KNOW ya'll know what i mean.... love and hugs, going to bed.
Ooops, Beck, prayers for your suregery tomorrow, get in touch as soon as you can....
The truth is that any child of an aging parent that neglects to do their part is nothing but a deadbeat and to call it anything else or make feble excuses is rediculous!
So drained on all levels... so very drained....
Beck-your Mom must be a sister to Ladee's M and my Mom. Wouldn't it be nice if they just told us what was on their minds before there was a big caniption? Hugs.
Jam-I will keep the channel changing idea in mind for when she can no longer control the TV. Thanks. Your yard/house sound very pretty.
Ladee-Ah hell, just walk around naked! Since your neighbors are mostly stoned, they won't remember anyway. LOL Hugs to you, and thinking of S.
Today is Mom and Dad's 48th wedding anniveray. I won't go into trying to find a card (Hallmark doesn't make on that says Sorry you're so unhappy together). I made dinner and sis and I got them some gift certificates for resturants. She seemed happy, so that was good.
Took the day off today since we were slow at work. Did some yardwork, and took a nap. Nice day.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Prayers for my neighbor/friend/sister Kathy, who is in the hospital. Looks like they are leaning more to gall bladder rather than heart. Will hopefully know more later tonight.
I will try to keep up with you all when I am gone to Maine, but the huse does not have internet access. Please don't forget me, and be on the lookout for strange natural/un-natural goings on in the northeast the next 2 weeks. Might be me letting off steam................SeemeSue-nami!!!!!!!!
As I have in cases you have to stand firm w/her that you will not accept her behavior..like a child.
(she will respect you for it)
it's been a few weeks since i was on here. just thought i'd check in with everyone and say "hello" :)
Jam- I will keep ya'll posted on what i learn from the dr. I have been feeling alright. I went to walmart day before yesterday and got some glucose tablets and i just pop one of those at dads til i can eat something. I just don't eat much over there. So i just have some crackers and i wolf them down before dad calls me to do something else to him. I just haven't had a chance to get to the dr this week. Maybe i will get there one day soon. Hugs to you!!!
Lil deb- thank you for thinking of me and my family. I really appreciate it. Hugs to you. Got to put jr to bed. Love and hugs to all stormyyy
Ladee, you already having triple digit weather, good grief!
Stormy, I hope your dad's verdict is a good report.
Brandywine, glad u got to talk to your mom. Can they kick them out from a NH?
I hope everyone has a peaceful night as much as possible.
I had a long post written......started to type a letter and lost the whole thing.............
Welcome shortmomma and yes, you are welcome to join our family......the more the merrier! Tell us more about you and your situation. Condolences on Mom's passing, how long has it been? It's okay to cry whenever and wherever you want.....and who cares if somebody looks at you funny when you're standing in the middle of the grocery store! Why can't you get your Mom's belongings? We'll leave the light on for you............
beck......good luck on your surgery.....are you right or left-handed? We may need to make fun of you......love ya! Sorry you had to put up with sour-apple face while house hunting.......
stormy.....let us know about Dad as soon as you can......how have you been feeling?
For those dealing with the tv issues we had the problem with the col watching CNN, Headline news and Nancy Grace and her myriad of abused children 24/7. We noticed a trend of becoming argumentative, aggressive and depressed. We first tried changing the channel because she had lost the ability to use the remote.....we put it on the Hallmark channel and she watched so many old westerns she started pestering me to buy a horse.................but her mood improved. The next step was to lock out the channels with parental controls. That might be something you want to consider.
I was afraid to go back and reread all the posts so I'm not addressing everyone right now........might lose this for a fifth time today.........just know that I'm thinking of you all and have indeed read what you posted.
Haven't talked with the col today, but yesterday's conversation consisted of her telling us she can walk and is ready to come home and that Uncle Sam was having a parade..........alrighty then!! When we asked if he was there she said yes......what do I know......maybe he was!
Tomorrow starts the renovation of my bathroom.....taking out the shower and tub and putting in a walk-in shower......my poor old back and hips will be so happy that I don't have to step over the tub. I also bought paint for my front door......my house is painted "vanilla" with brown trim....painting the door a color called "peppery".........a little history: when we bought our house the front yard was covered in river rock...pretty but not practical since the previous owners didn't put down the correct barrier and pulling weeds was killing me. So we had the yard cemented and stamped and stained.....it looks like a rusty, iron skillet now. Some black, rust, orange, yellow, reddish/orange....so I think the door will look fabulous! I will post pics on FB when I'm finished painting.
Before I lose this I'd better click submit..............sending hugs and wishes for a good evening to everyone......may you have a little peace in your life tonight!
Beck, prayers for you on Surgery Day..... and in a way, glad mom has changed her mind.... at least you talked to her about getting help in the house... she'll now have time to adjust to it..... hugs to you.
Brandy, keep us posted on what's going on with Mom..... hugs to you
Stormy, let us know if you hear anything, and if ya don't, come here and bitch... hugs to you...
It is 107 here today... I have to get another AC, it is too damned hot in this house.... more later, gotta go do the split shift, but hopefully this will end soon as I told the daughter I am NOT working 6 days a week, and have lined someone up for them to meet to do evenings and Sat's...... Getting tired or waiting for them to talk it to death... it's that or daughter says they are going to a NH, S won't last 6 months if that happens and told the daughter that today..... so, more later... love ya'll
Im having a hard time dealing with her death. Somedays I cry at everything, and other days I eat everything even tho im not hungry. My aunt still wont give us girls any of Moms things so we can also have closure. we remodeled all the bedrooms, and still havent gotten things back on the walls, and now my fiance is hurt and home on workmans comp. My fav boss told me ( a week after returning to work from funeral leave) that he was transferring,had to deal with animal control on my neighbors vicious dogs and now im fighting the bank to let us have the funds from moms accts, even tho they have the paperwork they said they needed... all this within a month.... sigh
I took mom to look at a house yest. jst to give her an idea of wats out there. The house was a 2 story, but each floor was like a completely separate home, so the floor plan was really an ideal set up for everyone. I was nervous taking mom to see it, bcuz shes one of those people that doesnt hide her dislike, no matter who's around. She has embarrassed me numerous times out in public, n i was really worried about how she was going to behave wen we looked at the house, bcuz, of course, the owners were there wen we did the walk thru. I would have been better off putting a paper bag over her head with cutouts for her eyes!!! Anyway, i had a long, serious talk with her in the car as we were heading over to the house. I explained to her that the owners were there, and she needed to control her facial expressions, along with the fact that she jst blurts out whatever comes to mind, no matter who is within earshot of her comment. I also had to prepare her for the moment wen she would meet my real estate agent. He's short, bald, and has a very sarcastic sense of humor. All the things that mom would sneer at, then follow it up with some insulting comment like, "You need to invest in some hair to cover up that huge bald spot." I kid u not.....she is brutal, and beyond critical n judgemental. Wenever i go to their house, she insults something about me...my hair...wat im wearing, my choice of jewlery and this all takes place within the first 30 seconds after i enter the house. It use to really upset me, but now i jst laugh it off, and realize that shes not intending to sound malicious and cutting...she jst thinks shes helping to improve all the things that she feels need improvement. I jst give her a big hug, tell her i love her, and that i wont take any of her comments personally, but there was a time that i would drive away from their house and jst have an anger fueled temper tantrum, until i jst accepted the fact that i cant change her, so i had to change the way i responded to her. I handle it all very well, now, n jst chuckle in my car all the way home..
Ok..back to the house viewing....I warned her to be aware oif her expressions and to certainly keep her mouth shut until we were alone n then she could let lose. Well...in true mom fashion, from the moment she enters this home, her face reminded me of one of those dried apple faces we use to do in pre-school as an art project.! I kept standing in front of her to try to shield the owners from her obvious dislike of wat she was seeing...then she would follow the dried apple face with her eloquent words "insult after insult". I found myself pinching her at every turn, so besides her expressions and her rude comments....i realized that we were quickly being led back to the front door with that awkward,"Thanks for coming" from the owners, n i barely escaped getting out the door without losing my flip flops!!!!
Once we get into my car, i said,"Ok, mom....dont be shy..(LOL)...jst let me have it. Her response...I HATE IT!!!!...n i dont want to move, anymore. Holy sh*t....i have to admit, i was soooo relieved that i wouldnt have to go thru that experience again.
So, with that answer, ii opened the door for me to bring up the fact that she will need in home health care to assist her in dads caregiving needs. She argued with me that she doesnt want strangers in her house, but i insisted that it was going to be a reality, and it would happen very soon. She asked me to please give her a lil more time to do it on her own, but promised me that wen it became too difficult, she would agree to in home care...I was shocked! We then proceeded to do the grocery shopping, where in usual fashion, she "apple faced" plenty of shoppers! Needless to say..it was a bit of an exhausting day with her, but i was thankful to be able to get her out of the house so she could spread her "cheer" to others, besides me...lol She's one of a kind, that's for sure. While we were gone, my husband stayed at the house with dad, but that didnt stop dad from calling us 4 times to find out wen we were coming home...He jst cant stand it wen mom is not in the house with him.
Anyway...survived the day pretty well, under the circumstances. I will b getting a slight break from all this insanity bcuz my hand surgery is on Thursday morning...n all i can say about that now is....BRING IT ON...IM SOOOO READY! I have the proper vein all picked out, n ready to go!!! lol
God Bless all of u, today..ttyl,,,love n hugs,,,
Hope you all have as good a day as possible!