This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Today was better for me than yesterday, but I'm exhausted now. I can't seem to get on here til end of day when I'm wiped out. I know my mother is going downhill and I seem to be suffering from "anticipatory grief" but my worries are about me. As in, "how can I manage when no one is buying my art?!" (I'm a self-representing artist). How am I going to keep us in the house, fed, clothed, heated in the winter, etc, etc, etc.
I am lucky though that my mother is still a sweet person and never gets abusive. Only occasionally cranky and very rarely stubborn. But who of us does not? And besides, I know everything must be so frightening for her now.
As far as things to help me, I take vitamins and supplements. We eat fruits and vegetables as often as we can. It helps somewhat. Thanks for the hugs.
We still have not heard anything from the doctor, and now i am wondering if i heard sis wrong on what she said the other day. I thought she said that the dr would call us with the results of the thoracentesis. And i got to thinking that they have never called us with results of this before so i asked sis today if she had heard from the dr and she said no that he said that he would call with the new appt time. Do dr normally call with tests results? Should i try calling his nurse? This waiting around is for the birds.......... Love and hugs stormyyy
tbailey.........enjoy the quiet while you can.........it never lasts....:)
I should have clicked on your name to get your backgroud...actually I did but I forgot. Lately, I've been very forgetful. It's driving me crazy. I microwave food, it dings, I open the refrigerator to take the food out. This have been happening a lot lately. Sometimes, I just stand there staring into space because I forgot what I was going to do. I sure hope it's not Alz but just a Lot of Stress and lack of sleep.
And to all of us caregivers, kudos to us! We don't get appreciated or rewarded enough. I'm feeling a bit better today. Some days I feel down and just don't want to associate with anyone. So, I just surf the site and see what's up.
Respite Social worker visited on Tuesday. Dad's blood pressure went up. I told dad no more "lazy" meals. From now on, we cut back the amount of food, eat more veggies,fruits and less meat. He says his health is fine. So he can eat whatever he wants. Lately, he's been touching inside his pamper. It's frustrating because it's "the handwriting on the wall" that as he becomes more senile, he will be making Awful Messes. Twice, I told him to quit touching inside his pamper. He said he's not doing it. I show him the pamper with some of his pooh on the front top. He gets angry and said that he didn't do it. Someone else did it. I told him that it's night time, no-one's here to touch it but him. I dropped it because he was getting really angry that I'm accusing him Sigh...
I think I'm allergic to changing their pampers. If they're soaking, I will keep sneezing. My nose gets all stuffed up and I start sniveling. Too bad I can't quit this caregiving responsibility due to it being hazardous to my health...Later....
Yesterday sucked. Not from caregiving so much as other stuff. I'm sure you don't want details, but suffice to say I was very sad and depressed on top of that.
I am stuck in a vicious circle of in laws, paperwork and phone calls daily concerning mil's business. Had a talk with sil yesterday and told her I was pissed about the flowers. She apologized and said the check will be in the mail.....we'll see. We asked her to pick out the flooring to be replaced and she threw it back at me.........just sent her another email putting the ball back in her court. Don't ask to help if you can't make a decision. I don't sound very sympathetic, do I ???? I will next tell her that NO decision is the wrong one. I'm tired of walking on eggshells, but the walk just started and I can't give up yet. I can't wait till my puppies get here. Sometimes I just hate people.....oops, I guess someone woke up crabby today.............
Although mom was very violent, she did have her docile side - very rare, though. We would give her a doll to calm her down. She would cradle it. I have a photo of her holding the doll and laughing, wearing a knitted cap made by older sis. Anyway, I keep that photo framed and hung in my bedroom wall. This is the mom that I want to remember - not the scary, violent one or the now unresponsive one.
I think out of my whole family, I'm the only one who have a framed photo of her.
But, back to the lucid moment that S displayed. Years after mom stopped talking, responding or looking at us, she always had this blank stare. One day at the hospital, we kids were all in her room surrounding her bed and just talking like sis/bros do. My bro had a shocked/scared look while staring at mom. We all looked at her. For the first time in Years, her eyes were Not Vague or unfocused. She had intelligence in those eyes and she was staring at my oldest brother.
See, I told you, even mom thought Dear Brother should be taking care of her. You see, he is her Favorite Son. The irony is that when I was in middle school, I had caught her looking at me with such hatred in her eyes. I'm now caring for her..while Dear Favorite Son who lives next door rarely visits - not even this past Mother's Day. I wonder if he had that look of fear because he knew he was suppose to be caring for her? Or something like that? Since then, like you said Ladee, there is Still the Person in There. So, I try to talk to her normally. Have to go now. Time to change pampers, clean tube and ...wash the few plates I didn't wash after dinner. Hugs...
I wanted to share why I feel it is so important to always allow an Alz charge their dignity.... S is in a serious decline as I have shared with ya'll and the other night he had two "wetting" accidents.... when M was going on and on about it, I looked at S's face. what I saw was embarrasement, he was hanging his head..... with my voice like stone, I said to M, IF he could do it different, he would.... then took S's hand we walked into the kitchen to get him some juice..... he held on to my hand and said, " thank you, I am so embarrassed....." I gave him a huge hug and told him how much I love him, how much fun I have with him, how I look forward to seeing him... so my point is, even when we may think they are on the final journey to what this damned disease can do to the human mind and body, there is STILL the person in there... S hasn't had a really lucid moment in a couple of weeks... but he knew he was feeling shame and embarrassement..... and he needed reassurance, to know he would do it different if he could, that no matter what he is loved and appreciated....
I HATE this disease, with a passion.......
Burned, Good luck on the bath time. I had forgot all about the mnl Monday bath. Can I get fired? pretty please. ; )
Taytay52, welcome to this board for we all know how we can have difficult days, hours or even minuets yet also, we have some good ones too. Just try to remember that it is the illness n not the person. Even at the Caregiver conference spoke about how it is a very hard n challenging job n that we as caregivers have to take time out for ourselves even if it is only One hr a day. For when we n just like any other caregiver thats working at NH facilities can become 'Burn-outs' n then, what good r we to the person who has no control of the disease. Remember that 'Humor" can be very healthy for you n laughter too. Try to find some humor while taking care of someone. Most of all, we have to take care of ourselves first so that we can continue to give 'good' care for our love ones.
Seemeride, how r you holding up beside the money situation for the funeral? As for the money of one absentee paying, you may want to call n see if they r going to be able to help pay for the cost when they come up in July? If you think it will start a mess, I personally would let it go for its not worth the fuss between relatives n its not worth getting sick over. I would just say, "do what you think best for you only truly know your family situation." Good Luck n sorry for your lose.
Stormy, I bet you will be taking lots of pictures of Connor graduation n too bad u can post one for all of us to see. Give him a big ole hug from all of us n tell him we our proud of him too.
seeme.....if it were me when it came to sending the sibs their "share" I would withhold the cost of the flowers. Otherwise you won't get it. Either way it's probably going to cause some anger. I guess you could look at it that the money is no longer your mil's.....but I know...it's the principle of the thing. It's not like they couldn't ask the cost before ordering to make sure it was affordable. When my sibs pulled their little stunt when my mom passed away at least they were wise enough not to expect anything from me!
Today is the col's birthday......88 years young! Will go spend some time with her later. She will get to wear a birthday crown today and the NH will do something special for her.
Hope everyone has a day filled with something good and not just the burden of care giving.