This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
If she has Alz or dementia, all the moving around will have her very confused. the sooner you set up a routine the better for everyone involved.... they function much better when there are few surprises... same time to eat, if alt all possible,med times the same, bed time, maybe after her eval, she will be given some meds to help with her nightime anxiety... but sometimes nothing helps, I am not trying to discourge you, just want to be honest and not let you think there are magic pills for any of this... sometimes it's trial and error and most times a crap shoot... the meds available are not for Alz/dementia, but it's all we have available... that's why I stress having a Dr. specializing in elder care... He or she will be more knoweldgeable about meds....side effects, ect....
I don't want to overwhelm you with suggestions... so first get POA, then medical POA, is that what's its called???? tired this evening brain not working.... then get her to a Dr... let us know what you find out and we'll help all we can... just try to do first things first.... then we'll help you with a plan..... no two are the same, so like I said, it's trial and error...
I do have to commend you for at least trying... and if it comes down to it. there is no shame in putting her in a NH, but we will encourge you to be her advocate , and to be vigilant about her care.....It all feels endless and too large right now...but you are trying, and you get my thanks for that.... so let us know something and come back and we'll give you much needed hugs....
Cleaning Fairy showed her ass up here today.... Damn it... so more later.....sorry no more biker fun today.... hugs across the miles to everyone..
Ladee, you r one of those special care-givers that r hard to find for you care about your client as a family member. As for some of those at a NH they too tend to get burned out n some could care less attitude yet, they do get to go home whereas, us that r stuck 24/7 is a different story. I know, bla.bla.... ; ) I am glad you told her that if she raised her voice one more that u were leaving. That will give her somthing to chew on for a bit. As for burning the tires, I have done that while leaving hubby with his mom. He is starting to see more clearly of his mom n how AD is having an affect sometimes. She does has her good moments n some nasty bad selfish ones too. Just go with the flow n at least she knows to have some respect for you or you will be like burning rubber. : )
Lildeb, sorry traffic was so bad... it's like that in Ausitn when I have to take my son to the Dr.... I hate it... my hands are sore from holding on to the steering wheel.... that's when I am an old lady, not a retired biker chick.... LOL....
Let us know when you hear something.... and by the way, my name is pronounced lalalalalalalala dee... everyone thinks it's pronounced lady, no way, that sounds boring......but you can call me ladydee if you want to.... it is fine with me.... and get that other Dr. appt. that is nothing to be lax about.....
Hope ya'll all had a good day, I did..... hugs across the miles....
For some reason hubby didn't check on the form at the mnl's doctor while I was in Atlanta. Trip was fine all the way up until exit 46 and the heat was on! Bumper-to-bump, stop-n-go-stop-n-go until I was litteraly getting sick to my stomach. I only had about 6 more exit to pass before reaching mine n it took forever. I even took my head rest pillow that had lavendar scent n still felt like I was on a boat while the water just swoosh back n forth. Like watching the cars go by in other lanes while it seems I was going backwards. I finally made it to the hospital parking deck and was just sick. I have driven in similar mess before but it didn't take as long last time n it was 9am so the traffic should had been less trafficky! Went to get my lab n as soon as I got into the dr office I started getting sick again. They r running looking for a plastic puke container n brought some crackers n water. I personally had already spotted the sink if push came to shove of upchucking time. My blood sugar had dropped to a 50 as well. When it rains it freaking pours. After about 10 minuets I felt like I was getting some color back on my face. Lab results wasn't ready n she told me next time maybe I should take Dramine n that they set up my next yearly appointment around 1pm so that I can leave around 10am from home n miss the traffic, hopefully. That way it will be a 6hr apart from my prograf med v.s 12 hr apart. Plus, I can go ahead n eat their n miss the lunch hr traffic too. Anyway, waiting on Piedmont Hospital clinic to call back my results. Hey, if the kidney could handle all that traffic from hell it sure as got to have another 9lives. Who ever say's they like living in Atlanta had got have something wrong with their wires. ; )
Thanks for the validation... I needed to hear that.... I can go in there Monday and start over.... love ya...
Loved that the checker had fun with you Ladee. But I think you are on a slippery slope - taking off your bra at the end of the day, and now flashing the bikers. JK I feel bad for you that M makes you feel like a housekeeper. She doesn't see how important you are to S and how much your being with him means. Please know that you are important, and special, and loved. Hugs.
seeme-hugs to your hubby. This time is hard on both of you. I'm glad he got someone in his family on his page, though.
The graduation party was fun. Good food and cake. Damn, I can hear the gym calling.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
He talked with bro today, the co-executor. At least theya re on the same page somewhat and hubby felt better, so he is taking a nap. Poor guy, I know where he is. Neither of us slept well last night......trying to figure out what was in mil's head before she died.......things left unsaid on her part........enough to drive one nuts.
My sister once told me a funny joke, which I can't remember, but it had to do with women having a lot of boxes open in their brains to deal with different shit all day long. Men only had one box open at a time. That's how hubby feels right now, and his sister tries to open all his boxes at once, and he admits he can only have one open at a time. Makes him tired. Enough whining for now.......later.
Ladee, right now I feel like your chicken................love it.
Notlike, what kind of shoes do you wear at work? I am having major problems with my back and bad leg due to being on hard tile all day, any suggestions...
Am so so sorry to hear about Rebel,,, makes my heart hurt for you and especially your hubby.... give him kisses on his head from Aunt Ladee. I don't know what I would do if I had to deal with the loss of the Diva on top of everything else.... but I know you won't let him suffer..... my heart is sad for ya'll...lots of gentle hugs to Rebel...
And yeah, went back yesterday, got the pin number fixed, went to the same checker.... her eyes got big, I smiled and apologized to her for the day before.... then she smiled and said it was the most fun she'd had at work in a long time, the look on the other ladies face when I leaned across her basket.... she laughed and told me thanks..... so it all worked out... AND I got the damned groceries......so see, no matter the obstacles, it's only temporary....
M was on one yesterday... first I got accused of messing up her TV???? WHAT ????, I never mess with that control.... hmmm, ok, l'll let that one slide..... then I didn't put the right shirt on S...ok, I'm getting a little testy now, then I had put too much cheese in the brocilli and cheese, I'm getting quite in my head now, not a good sign....and when she bellowed like a beached whale that I STILL had not brought her the paper, I went into very quite mode...... I stood there and allowed myself some very graphic scenerio's, then went and told her , in a very quite tone of voice... If you raise your voice to me one more time, I am going home..... and then just stood there and looked at her until SHE got uncomfortable.....oh I'm sorry, blah blah blah, too little too late.... I was quite for the rest of the day...... almost burned my tires off gettin away from there.... the ONLY reason I am still there is because I can not start a new job and have to take off for Dr's appt for my son....not a good way to start a new job....but I don't think I will be there much longer anyway.... S is getting worse and worse everyday.... the daughter is never there long enough to see the changes... but the son will be there next weekend....no one listens to me because I have become the HOUSEKEEPER... and I realized yesterday, she NEVER looks at me.... unless I am standing over her like yesterday.... the whole situation is crazy making....and ya'll think paid caregivers have it easy.... NOT.... just sayin'. And speaking of, I read something here on AC awhile back where someone was talking about how paid caregivers just get to go home at the end of the day, not think about it, blah blah blah, don't know where this lady got the idea we are robots... I have been with this family for over a year... no way do I do this job without getting attached,,, to S, not to M... he was my original charge...somehow slowly it evolved into me being the housekeeper....I hate it, it is not what I do... It would be like Notlike being a janitor at her job.... watching and observing things going on and being dismissed because I am ONLY the housekeeper... yeah, as I set here and write the madder I am getting....gonna go to church (i.e. rock hunting) this weekend... have to get myself calmed down, it's only temporary, it's only temporary, it's only temporary..... and yeah, paid caregivers bring it home with them....
Need to go check on son... gonna get him out of the house today, if I have to drag him... he's a big guy, so I'll let ya'll know .... love, hugs and angels.....
Ladee-You made the squash wrong?!? How dare you? Did you not put it in the right serving bowl? LOL At leat you didn't have to sweep up after it! :) I wish I could have been with you in the store. You probally made the day for some other caregiver standing way back in line. I know you made mine. Hugs.
lildeb-Congrads! 10 years is fantastic! And many more...
Cmag-good for you for standing up for your Mom. It sounds complicated, but you did what needed to be done. Hugs.
Stormy - the Lung Cancer Alliance has a great website with materials and support. Maybe that can help your sis. Hugs.
Our oldest furbaby, Rebel, is in decline. Almost took him in, but he keeps rebounding a bit. Hubby wants to beleive he's just got tummy trouble, but I think that's denial. Rebel is his dog. So please say a doggie prayer for us. Mom went in the basement to give him ice cubes (his favorite). It's the only time she's gone down there since she got here. This will be hard on her. On all of us.
Does anyone know of resources for how to talk to your parents about money? Or have any ideas? I can see this coming to a head soon. Dad's newest medicine is $260 for 3 months. By the time they pay the doctor bills and meds. buy a few groceries for themselves, and have a lunch out or two during the month, the money is gone. Yet she wants to contribute, but I don't want her wasting her money. She bought a bunch of food that we weren't home to eat. Hubby doesn't want her spending her money on us anyway. And she is mental about money. She blames Dad for their bankruptsy years ago. She has total control now. My sis sends me a check every month, which I cash and give to him, just so he will have spending money. I don't want to insult her dignity, but I also don't want her wasting money either. Argh!
I have a party to go to tomorrow for a work friend's daughter's high school graduation. Should be fun. It's going to be hot here this weekend, so I don't think the cleaning fairy will come. :)
Good night, and better tomorrows.
Stormy...we'll be here for you and your sis, prayers for the family....
Cat, when I read your post last night, I got this 'thinking' crease between my eyes, hmmmm, gave it some thought, and I wouldn't trade my life for anyone elses... There is a Zen story about a tree in the middle of town... everyone had to put their troubles on that tree... then walk around, look at everyones troubles and pick one... everyone picked their own... moral of the story, some have it a lot worse... much worse... It's been a hell of a ride, my life, wouldn't trade one moment of it... have no regrets... and I really mean that, many people can't say that.... guess it's my perspective on life...hopefully I'm not done yet, still have many things to do, people to meet, and places to see...I don't even know what that means, "deserve", guess I don't think about it.... life truly is what we make it.... it's always about choices...I have more to be grateful for than to complain about... ya, I've had and am still having a very blessed life.....
Hugs to you all this morning... YEEEE HAAAA it's FRIDAY.....
Ladee- if the cancer has spread to his lungs i don't think there is anything that they can do for dad. He had radiation treatments, no chemo. His type of cancer (hurthle cell carcinoma) chemo does not work on it.That's why he never had chemo treatments. He had radiation and his onc. dr at duke told my sis while dad was in the last stages of his treatments that if the radiation did not work then there was nothing else that could be done because he had, had all the radiation treatments that he could stand. I got the reports from sis from the hospital and there is really nothing new on there. Same swollen mediastinal and hilar lymph nodes, coughing up blood. That's about all that was on there. So we will wait and see.
Seemee- I know that sis will be the hardest hit with this about dad if the cancer has spread. Just because she has been in denial for so long. As i said before i have seen signs that maybe the cancer might be spreading. Certain swollen lymph nodes that are indicative for metastatic disease, coughing up the blood for months now (off and on) and rereading his old reports from duke. And several of them says "worrisome for metastatic disease" or "residual tumor". And just the history of this type of cancer. He has all the margins that you don't want for this type of cancer-older age, 5 cm tumor, invasive into the windpipe. I know that sis will need my support because aside from me and her hubby she will not have another support group like i have with ya'll. And i am so grateful that i have all of ya'll to talk to about this. Because i know that she will not get much support from my brother's side of the family. Oh that is a whole another story i will have to fill ya'll on about maybe this weekend. Sis and i have been without a computer at dads for over a week now. Talk about bored out of our minds without the computer over there. Hopefully we will be getting it back soon. Having it worked on right now.
Notlike- Thank you for thinking of me and dad. I appreciate it. I hope you are doing ok these days. I will keep you in my prayers.
Lil' deb- good luck with the check up. I'm sure everything will be fine. Think positive! I love all of ya'll, thank you for being here for me it means the world to me. Love and hugs stormyyy
Tonight, I reminded my step-brother of this history and that I did not understand why no payments had been made since the three of us had agreed that payments would be made on a monthly basis. I told him that in light of this history and as my mother's durable POA that from this point forward, my mother's taxes would be filed married but separate in order to make it clear whose income bears what tax amount. My mother has her own accounts and investments which she made me co-owner of with right of survivorship long ago. My step-father has income from separate sources himself. I also got my step-brother to agree to sign an agreement sheet that as his father's POA, he would pay this debt to my mother and if need be to her estate if she dies before it is paid in full.
My step-brother wanted me to wait until he saw what impact this would have on his father's taxes. I reminded my step-brother several times that because of the amount of the debt of which nothing has been paid that I am moving forward with the request to the CPA for my mother's taxes to be paid married but separate. I could tell by the sound of his voice that he did not like that very much, but however, I did not need his agreement for I was just informing him of my decision.
My step-brother is wrong about one thing though concerning the joint checking account that my step-dad and my mother have. He wants to claim that since my mother has not put any money in the joint account in years that all of the money there belongs only to his dad. I corrected him saying that in the eyes of the law both owners of a joint account have equal access to that account. However, he still wants to view it as belonging only to his dad.
The one thing that I wonder is about his Durable POA. I think there a statue of limitation for activating it by registering it with the register of deeds in NC. If that is so, the current Durable POA is not valid which also means that my step-brother has been writing and signing these checks without the proper authorization. So, I think he is going to have to get another Durable POA drawn up.
I'm really sorry you couldn't get the groceries. You deserve to have a much easier life. It hurts me that you don't. You are the best. Love Cattails