This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Here is a thought about the doctor's office. Write a letter to the doctor and take it in and personally deliver it. Have that front desk bitch sign that it has been received. Tell the doc that you expect a call from his nurse withing 24 hours. I think that might get their attention. Sending love to you and your family, Cattails.
I let hubby call back the dr for the mnl paperwork that we dropped off so she can go to the church activities. He got a call n the nurse said something that she was across street. Wtf? Then, she told him she would call him back n check to see. Well, here is day 2 n no return phone call. !!!! Well, at least hubby is home on vacation from work so he can help out until he calls them again or go up their n make some noise. I know dr's n nurses get busy but come on.
Getting ready for the great Atlanta traffic, ah!! I have my lavendar scented bag ready to keep me calm, hopefully. My blood pressure has shot up to 199/100 just from the traffic n they were going to treat the bloodpressure n I told them to hang on n give me 15 mint. n it will go down n it did. I don't see how anyone likes to live in that traffic mess. Hopefully, I will leave early enough to miss the mess. Wish me luck. ; )
I had to get away from my husband today or go nuts. Got a neighbor to sit with him and left. Got in the car and giggled. Shouted yeah and got out of here. I feel much better now. Wanda
Kathyleen, why do you have POA over your mom does she have AD? If it is AD then she may not know what she is doing sometimes. I have a mnl who lives with us n it seems it suppose to be all about her, the center of attention. As for doing everything for her, if she is able to do some stuff like dusting I would just say like, "It's time to dust our rooms," and don't ask her that way she may not have a come-back. another example, "Dinner is ready and on the table come and eat with me." See if it works for the bath as well. I had it where we both agreed that bath time is once a wk on Monday on certain time. This allow a routine schedule n maybe it could end some of the stress on the bath time. I draw the water n knock on the door to bring in clean clothes after she is in the tub. That way you can grab the dirty ones so she don't put them back on and the tub is already full n ready for her. So far that is working for us.
If push come to shove n you are stressing out n it making you sick then I would recommend calling a social worker to see if they can help you with her. Maybe someone else will have some more good information for you. Try to breathe n not take her selfihness personally.
Vickie Vic, let us know what Hospice says.... can he get Home Health??? They could come out and bathe him.... you may have already said, but I have forgotten...
Ok, here's what happens when you are tired, hit the ground running first thing this morning and have too much on your mind.... my son has been haggling with the Food stamp office for over a month.... no income since the wreck, so I have been getting his food.... he finally gets it, I go today to get him stocked up and after looking all over the store for the things on his list, I go to check out.... alrighty, on a roll here, mission accomplished, I can fianlly go home and take off my bra..... NOT , for some reason it would not take his pin number... the lady behind me is about to get on my last nerve... deep sighing, leaning on her basket, looking at me like I am simply messing up her day..... stay calm you say????? Ok, for about ten minutes I did, then Ieaned over her basket and said, " tell ya what, I'll stand where you are, deep sigh and shuffle my feet and give dirty looks and YOU take my place and get this mess straigtened out..."... she started grabbing her stuff off the thingy, and I started laughing,,, I could feel the hysteria right under the surface..... I AM A CAREGIVER , DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO YOU ARE PISSING OFF...... I even helped her reload her basket, laughing like a loon.... the poor check out girl looked like she was going to pass out... "oh relax honey, this is how you act when ya get old".... they never did get it straightened out... so I left like the happy little crazy person I can be sometimes.... told my son, sorry, pnut butter again tonight... i"m going home, I HAVE TO TAKE THIS BRA OFF, IT'S MAKING ME ACT STRANGE FROM LACK OF CIRCULATION..... he's used to me, he laughed and said, Mom you caused a scene in the store didn't you??? Uhhhh, not really, I think it was the laughing that was making everyone uncomfortable.... we laughed, I came home and took off my bra.... deep sigh, I am done for the day.... love ya'll, hugs and angels.....
Seeme just mentally tired and sad but holding my own.. Just tends to get ya down day in and day out..when I get time off unless hubby is here I really have to force myself to do the things that need doing...don't evevn care to work in the yard as much as I love it ..I am just too zoned out right now..
Dad told me earlier that he wanted to let me know that he has an assignment and his will be coming up next month..he may have to drive the ambulance.Ok dad we still have time..try to rest now and go back to sleep..he did now he is up eating breakfast. ...hubby will be home tomorrow evening..whew my brother is coming on Saturday and stay til sunday..hope it continues to be convenient for him to come visit
Love you guys!
Notlike..more power to ya! At least you are too tired to fight with mom
My thoughts go out to all of you...the bad day, the moving of parents that didn't work, stangers who need help, and Vic' s and Stormy's Dads. And the new people with ungrateful mothers. Hugs to all.
Beans are growing really good. Their up in raised beds, so the rabbits can't get at them.
Gotta get back to work. Will write more this weekend.
Notlike.....I've been worried about your beans. I hope they are growing. The rabbits have eaten all of my green bean and pea plants. Just saw one in the garden a few minutes ago. It didn't even run away and I didn't have the heart to chase it. Nothing left to eat that it likes, except the tomatoes, if any start coming out. The squash and cukes are too hairy for them.
Beck....nice to see you here again. If Ladee would charge for all the info she has to offer, she would be a millionaire......but I think she already is with all the friends she has made here.
Stormy....hope sister is prepared for the worst if it happens. Remember, she doesn't have us all to help her, so you have to do it for us. Let us know how things turn out.
I have more things to do for hubby. I am taking care of all the bills and bank records of his mother's for him. Have to do some errands for him today concerning her affairs. He talked with his only sister last night. He threw out there that he may sell his mom's 50th wedding anniversary rings and she was fine with it. Amazing to me. I'd rather ANYONE had them than to sell them. Just shows me what type of person she is.......money, money, money. Makes my head spin and my stomach turn. She wanted to know what her grandsons were going to get. I told her whatever she wants to give them from what she gets. I mean, really, how far do we have to distribute things? What about future great grandchildren? Just how far does it go???? Makes me so tired.
Gotta get moving. I expect this morning to be in the toilet. Yes, I will clean the last bathroom, then move on to other things..........later..............
Hubby and I moved into their house a few years ago..we live out of bags but moved our bed into the guest room. Made it easier for them to be in their own environment. We go to our house to wash and take care of our cat..poor thing she won't come here. Going on 4 years now. We have good days and bad days..mom is slowing down and gets really tired throughout the day but still does quite a bit.
Took dad to see neurologist yesterday..he agrees that dad probably has Lewy body dementia..the Senimet didn't work..don't want to try aricept..too many sde effects. So we are taking hospice again...one of the local companies is affiliated with his primary care physician and the neuro doc would be able to keep abreast of what is going on... It would really help as it is hard to get dad out physically. Guess we will just keep taking it a day at a time. Been getting two days a week help and a couple hours on Fridays to take mom to her hair appointment. She has to get a replant..guess that is for her arthritis..will have to schedule that today for sometime next week.. Just rambling this morning... Prayers and thoughts to all of you..hope you all have the best day possible
And if you are ever in TX. I'm easy to find, I live in a ratty little motor home, that doesn't move, with eyelashes painted on the headlights.... only one in my little town, and you are always welcome and feel the hug from Ca..... keep us updated.... hugs across the miles...
Stormy, sorry to hear your fears are possibly being reconginzed.....you have been saying for months that more is going on.... and am sorry dad is being put thru more tests.... will ya'll do chemo again??? prayers for you and your family... and I loved it that Conner calls your mom's gravesite Grandma's Garden.... my granddaughter didn't get to know my mom either... oh they would have made a pair to be reckoned with..... hugs to you and let us know what is going on....
Notlike, where are you??? Haven't heard from you in a couple of days, am praying you are just taking a break and that nothing is wrong.... thinking of you....
Goodnight everyone, have a really long day tomorrow... hugs to you all.
Kathleen..I read ur post, n wat more can i say that others have not. I totally understand all the emotions ur feeling regarding mom. Wen ur in that place where ur hating mom...hating urself......come here...there's an abundance of love and support to get u thru it. Ur worth more than u kno...we all r.
To all i have missed....i may not have posted 2 each of u directly, but u r certainly in my thoughts, prayers, and NEVER forgotten...love n hugs 2 all of u
Counseling will help you to understand why you still ' take care of her' when there are others around, and getting paid to do what you are doing... you are exhausted because you need to let go and let others take up the slack... or she could still be in your home..... otherwise, start letting her know that the staff will start doing some of these things....and at this point is isn't even about not getting a thank you or being appreciated, it's about you falling to peices because you have an oppurtunity here to get some of your life back.... and you are still running after her like she still lives with you... if you feel guilty about putting her in a NH , killing yourself won't change a thing.... go for that counseling, come here and tell us about your crappy day... Your therapist will tell you what we will say to you..... time to take care of yourself.... that doesn't mean you are selfish, you will be being self caring.... a huge difference.... so , as Jam says, we'll keep the light on for ya... hugs to you... and let us know how things are going....
Any advice anyone can give me as to how to cope, let me know.
Cmag: Maybe if you go to the discussions on Alz you can find some books. I know I have heard people mention various books, but nothing that sticks in my mind.
On the whole, however, I don't think you will find anything that gives better direction than what Ladee has said. Maybe just more examples and reinforcement. That never hurts.
Good luck and keep talking with Ladee here about your interactions with you mom.
Hugs, Cattails
Been a rough week for me also. We lost a very good friend to cancer on Sunday.
She was only 35. So young. Hubby has not handled it very well. Neither have I.
Found out My Baby sister who has Early Onset Alz. Is now having deep brain seizures. doc. did eeg on her. She had 4 within 20 mins. Hubby is doing the same.
as before. At least he is ok for now. He just does not want me out of his sight. It drives me crazy.
My sisters has 3 daughters who are taking care of her. I thank God that they are. Wanda
I'm doing for him and mom. It still hurts but I'm learnig to just accept it.
He had a stroke last year. He would give me a hard time about eating, changing his pampers, his pants, etc...I hated myself for begging him to change his pampers. He would just close his eyes then peek to see if I'm still there. Finally, I lost my temper, and threw a hissy fit. I let it all out, all my grievances. His pamper was last changed at 3pm. It's now 930pm. You don't want to change your pamper, okay! You're the one who's going to suffer! And sure enough, at around 2am, I smelled his urine. His pamper overflowed, and his pants and the waterproof bedpad is soaking wet. I refused to change him. I tell him repeatedly, that this is the schedule. And I keep to it. He knows that mom comes first. He kept muttering he's wet but I didn't care. He has to learn his lesson. By the time I got to him, it was about 710am. It was a mess. Unfortunately, that wasn't the last time. Eventually, he hated sleeping on urine so now, he changes his pampers. He will still try to get out of it, but he knows not to call my bluff.
Same with eating. I prepare the meal. I put it on the TV tray. If he refuses it, I put it away and just eat without him. No more hovering or catering to him.
From my experience, I've learned not to ask. Just do it. Or just tell them. Don't ask. If you ask, then it gives them the option to say No. And No is not the answer that You want! At first, it will be very uncomfortable to be ordering your parent around. But eventually that wears off.
Hating yourself? I feel like that all the time. I hate myself for being such a pushover. I hate myself because everyone was able to walk away from the parents but I didn't. I hate myself because I know deep down inside, I got myself in this situation and now I don't see the light out of that tunnel.
But you know what? Perhaps your hating yourself because all these stress are on you and it's all new. You don't know how to react and how to handle it and how to alleviate the stress. And it just keeps coming at you, nonstop - one problem after another. I'm not sure if this applies to you, but in my case, when I hit the "I hate myself" mood, I'm actually having one of my depressions.
When my dad's mouth goes on and on, like the example of your mom and the meal. I actually raise my voice louder than his to interrupt him. If he continues to talk, I continue to talk very loud. I tell him that I'm on a tight schedule and I need his answer Now. If he won't answer but keeps on talking, I then tell him - so be it. Then when I'm feeding mom, he says he's now hungry. I tell him that he will just have to wait. Then I feed mom, wash her dishes, take the trash out, etc..I do my schedule first. Then, I give him his food. Now he's mad at me, and I made my point with him. So, now, when I ask him and tell him I'm in a tight schedule, he KNOWS I'm not bluffing. Sigh...I swear it seems that we are the parent and they are the children!
Can you find the time to seek counseling? If you don't feel comfortable paying for the therapist, you can check your religious counselor? Hang in there! Just take it one step at a time.
Yesterday M had this stupid conversation, with herself, I didn't participate, about how I cooked the squash... OMG... fixed them like I always do and no complaints, until she feels the need to do what ever it is she does in that angry unhappy little world she lives in.... don't get me wrong, I feel compassion for her, but she is just the way she is... and yes, somedays I take it personal.... because a thank you would be nice to hear.... So Kathy, THANK YOU for all you do for your mom, we appreciate it very much because we know what it takes to be a caregiver... THANK YOU for taking her into your home, THANK YOU for all you do everyday... Now, it really doesn't matter where the thank you's come from, we just need to know we are appreciated....So come back here and have some fun once in awhile.... this is one place that I get to come and be me.... we laugh, we cry, we vent, we tell each other THANK YOU, and we get thru another day... until you see if this is a working situation for you, just stop by and we'll tell you THANK YOU..... hugs to you...
thanks Vicike Vic, it was a profound reminder for me yesterday.... I pray this young woman finds a way out of that spider web of addiction....and hope you are feeling a little better getting a little more time off. we've missed your posts here.... love ya...
Notlike must have worked out so hard she had to sleep in the parking lot of the gym... hope you are ok today girly....love ya..
Beck, time to come and check in,,, bad times shared doesn't weigh as much... we're here for ya... ya don't get to run away unless you take us with you....love ya
lildeb, hope that all get smoothed out today, especially because she really seemed to enjoy herself.... let us know what happens.... love ya
Cat, you always have something uplifting and solid to share... I like solid, I can use that info....love ya
Jam, see that you are getting to go to Vegas,,, ya hussy, at least send pics.... and if ya win a pile , I need a loan.... love ya
Seeme Sue, thank you so much for calling last night and checking on me and my son... he said to tell you HI and if he ever needs his ass wiped , he'll call ya... tho he was happy to get that right arm out of the cast, makes things a little easier for him.... love ya.....
Told son yesterday, we will explore all options and not let him not be able to walk again..... He had a bad day yesterday, going on three months since the wreck....and then bad news... temporary bad news is how we are going to look at it.....
Need to go, I'm sure there is a list of things I will do wrong today.... not in my mind.. Lord I am grateful for my personality...... gonna do it my way, anyway.... M will never know, that would require her getting out of her chair, and that's not gonna happen.... need to get on the hiway to hell.... hugs across the miles to you all, if I missed someone just remind me when ya post.... love and hugs...
It is hard for her and for you to live together after so many years of independence. God Bless..I have the same feeling from time to time ..feeling couped and trapped but feel guilty about feeling that way.
Ladee what a story..thanks for sharing.. Love ya
ASG..you and family are in my prayers
My suggestion to you would be to get some counseling. It's not because you are a bad daughter. It's because you have a difficult mom. I know you are wanting to do everything you can to make your mom happy and to gain her approval. You want something from her that she is not going to give, so get some help in sorting that out and finding the best way to cope and respond to her. You are not doing this for your mom. You are doing this for you.
You do sweet affectionate things for your daughter. You send her things if she has had a bad day. You tell her that you love her. Your mom is not like you and she is not going to do these sweet and thoughtful things. She probably never did any of them when you were growing up either.
Kathy, you do deserve better than this and maybe if you had taken in a total stranger you would have gotten it. But you took in your mom. A big disappointment to you, but probably not a big surprise. It may be that this situation will not work out and you will have to find another living arrangement for your mom. Don't let this depress you. You did what you thought was right and now you are miserable. You can't let her make your life a living hell.
So my suggestion is that you get counseling to help you deal with the things that really bother you with your mom. In the meantime, if she doesn't want to eat dinner, then say, "OK mom, I'll put a plate in the frig for you and you can microwave it when you are hungry." Don't go into the, "Oh mom, let's not argue about this." There's no argument if you let it go. If she says, "Oh, I hate to see you working so hard because of me", why not just say, "Mom, you are just the best." Don't take the bate.
You, Kathy, are not a bad person. You are not selfish or unreasonable and your mom's problems are NOT YOUR FAULT. Please get some help, work on new techniques. In the process of counseling you will also come to understand if it is reasonable for you to continue to have your mom live with you. If not, you can get some guidance on how to make changes.
We will all be here for you. We are more than happy to listen to you vent, help you cope, and/or cheer you on to a better life.
Love and Hugs, Cattails.
I do eveything for this woman just as I am sure you all do too for your parent/s. I am so bitter and I hate it when I wake up every morning because I know my life is not mine and I am just her slave and servant. I am So full of resentment and she has completely become a burden to me. She tells me that I have no patience with old people. and that she should have stayed in her home. I know she is probably not having a very happy life right now because of my disposition...and I feel horrible about tit and don't know what to do. It is all I can do to go in her room anymore. I don't see her as my sweet little old mama anymore. I see her as an old person who is draining my life and breaking my spirit and is going to live on for another 10 years just to make my life miserable. I am so tired and feel so unappreciated and alone. I even told her one day when I had broken down into tears that I feel very unappreciated....and all she said to me was "how would you like me to say that to you"? You know...it would just be nice if when we go to the store sometimes if she would even say "honey I want to buy you this pretty little set of earrings because I love and appreciate you so much"...but nope....that never happens! I can't remember one time when my mother has thought to buy her daughter a pretty little something as a token of her appreciation for anything or as a token of her love for me. I know I sound greedy and I don't mean to.....but I send my daughter tokens all of the time just because I love her or when she is having a bad day etc. I can't think of ONE THING my mother has gotten for me really other than birthday cards with money. I have power of attorney and we are selling her house. I have sold many items out of her house for her and have made her several hundred dollars from those sales....but do you think she has once said to me "honey you take some of this and go buy a pretty blouse for yourself". NOPE! Even when we stop for a little lunch somewhere....she sometimes says "I should pay for lunch this time".....and I say "Okay"....but when it is time to pay she will not reach for her purse. I guess I am sounding like I am dwelling on money here....and I'm really not trying to sound like that.....it is just the point.....and the point being it is all about her and she could really give a rip if I feel any appreciation or am shown any kind of kindness. I am almost 63 years old and I feel like there is this rope around my neck slowly dragging me to my grave as if to say "kathy you do not deserve any better than this so get use to it". I also feel like a horrible daughter for having these feelings in the first place. Why would I be so cruel as to tell my mother I feel unappreciated? Why am I so short with her whenever she talks to me? Why can't I just be nice to her and realize she is old and selfish and is not going to change. Why can't I do this with a labor of love attitude. I hate myself and I hate my life.