This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Beck, good to see you again..was hoping you had not slipped into another demension and forgot where we are... it will get a little easier as you adjust to the changes you see in your dad... you'll never like what you see, but you will learn to take each moment, the good and the bad, and create new memories...like today I can laugh about Ruth breaking my leg... wasn't anything funny about it at the time... today I can say I got my ass kicked by an 83 year old woman....S is in a serious decline right now, and it breaks my heart... but this is what we do, make it as comfortable as we can for them... lots of hugs to you.... don't stop posting...
Vickie Vic, good to see you too.... I am needing to see your name here more often.... I know it's the same thing every day... but glad dad is more alert.... I know you are going thru a rough time also, so keep posting and let us know how YOU are.....
Son gets his arm out of the cast and staples out today, I know he is going to like that, he is more grumpy with this than all of it put together.... because he just can't do much for himself, broken bones on both sides of his body, and it makes it hard to get around....so one step closer to being done with it all...
hugs to you all today, love ya and find one thing to be grateful for today.... love...
Ladee..am still here. Holding on. Dad is ok except for these loose bowels. Gonna call doc again and let him know as the med they gave is not really working. I have been getting him up and he is pretty alert having decent days. Keeping him hydrated as much as possible. love you my dear friend
Jam..love you and hope bubble wrap helps..is he getting clutsy with age! So sorry about col..at least she remembers that he is a doc. She has all the faith in the world that T can fix her.. God Bless her little heart!
Cattails..you have a way of communicating with a kindness and gentle spirit that leaves the reader knowing they have a "friend". Ur a sweetheart..
gmaandsam..im so sry things didnt wrk out for ur daughters graduation. It's so painful for parents to see their children hurting and disappointed. I hope she's doing well. As for your mom..i must admit that your recent posts struck a nerve in me, too. I understand the feeling of loving a parent or parents no matter what, and committing to always being there when they need you, but every parent has a responsibility to protect their children, and I mean ur children. She may be ur mother, but the emotional and physical safety of ur children should b the priority. Children are a priviledge that not everyone may experience in their lifetime for various reasons. Not all women who have children were meant to be mothers. A mother who can raise a closed fist and hit her own child, followed by even more damaging words, is not a mother, as defined by most. I think the best thing for u and ur children is to keep a deep emotional distance from her, no matter what. Ur children have already been exposed to too much of this woman. I think u should re-evaluate where you're "needed". You and you're children deserve much better. God Bless your family..and you're in my prayers.
Seeme..i hope you've gotten some rest..you've been thru so much. my thoughts and prayers r with u.
Vic..i hope dad is feeling better. You're such a wonderful daughter..huge hugs
Bilmo..my friend..seems to me that many people see much more in u than u see in urself. U have some followers out there!!! You're like a freight train with no brakes, but passengers still keep boarding...why is that?? lol Whether u believe it or not, this forum is the perfect fit for u. The people here are going to teach u a few things about urself and smooth out those "rough edges." Jst keep coming back...you'll see!! And by the way...you can "quote" me on that, if you'd like!! lol peace
Ladee...my dear friend..love those monkey hugs, especially since my life is a zoo!! Thanks for checking in with me throughout the last few days. Dad has had some terrible moments thru the weekend. He was at my house all day Saturday so my mom could get a break. My "estranged" kids even came over to see him. That was awkward, but i'm glad they got to spend some time with grandpa. He really goes thru periods o such confusion that it shocks me. He's aware, to a degree, that he's
slipping away, and he tries so hard to fight it.. He's such a wonderful man..this is all so cruel. I've talked with my sis at least twice a day all weekend...She feels so helpless being so far away. I know it's hard for her, because she feels so guilty and i never want her to feel that way. She's the best support system for me. I should start paying her for all the therapy she's been giving me..lol..she's great..
I go back to house hunting this week. There's so much to be done, but as i have learned from all of u..some things r out of my control. I hope ur son is doing well.
I hope he realizes how blessed he is to have such a wonderful mother..Keep me laughin, Ladee...i'm gonna need u this week!! Much love n huge hugs
Jam...again...thanku for starting this thread. It has turned into my life preserver when i'm jst about to go under..ur the best...many hugs
i am still new to this site, still learning the ropes, you're the ONLY person who's name i actually remember & when i'm reading thru posts, i can always tell when i'm reading one of your comments. you always make me laugh about SOMETHING you say.
i'm sorry that i hurt your feelings but she IS my mom. do i say what she did to the dog is ok?? HELL NO!!!!!!!!!
if i had been there, seen it or heard it from next door... you can bet i would've been over there real quick to find out what was going on & of course, put a stop to it. i love my mom, no matter how mean, evil, ugly, selfish, greedy and vindictive she is.
about 5yrs ago her and i had it out in the hallway at her house one day. she socked me in the jaw with a closed fist. not sure if it was before or after she told me "no matter what you do or how hard you try samantha, you will never be good enough"
i stood there & took the punch. as my eyes filled with tears because what she said was starting sink in i said "since dad died, your hand has gotten too comfortable with my face. i'm telling you now, next time i hit back"
i walked away from her, got on the phone and called both sisters to tell them what i said to mom and told them they were "all being warned". my mom knows i meant what i said that day.
any hoo.....changing the subject......
someone asked how my niece and nephew came from AZ to spend the summer with us. MOMMY DEAREST!!! she drove up there for my nephews promotion and brought them back with her. i dont understand my mom's way of thinking and it seems the older she gets the more mistakes she makes. i tell my sister i believe everything is catching up to my mom and that's why her life has fallen apart as it has. all i can do is be there for her when she needs me and no matter what, i always will.
a friend of mine has been next door since about 2pm. he's connecting the vents and and do the duct work for the swamp cooler to work. he's charging her HALF what she was quoted by someone else and what her boyfriend should have done FREE. and this is going to cost me at least a couple free tows when he needs it.
i may be the "black sheep" of the family.... i may be the one who bumps heads with mom... and i know i'm the one who gave mom the worst pain and longest time in the delivery room, but i'm also the one mom knows she can count on when she needs me.
OH S***!!!! what did i do with my gramma????? oh yea, she's outside waiting for the ice cream man with my niece.
have a good night everyone!
p.s.
i do feel better being able to vent on this site. having people listen AND respond is something i dont get often get and Mr. Bil......i'm sending you a special hug cuz you got what some people wish they had... the balls to say how you feel!!
Every person that comes to this thread looking for a SAFE PLACE to talk or cry or vent or laugh about their current situation deserves the right to have respect from the others here. Every person has the right to have their own opinion and to voice that opinion WITHIN REASON. When hurtful, disrespectful comments are posted then it is no longer a safe place for care givers to come and that will not be allowed here. The episode is over and we will go forward from here. I hope you all will continue to come to this safe place, as I care about each of you and what you are going through as care givers.
Hoping for a peace-filled night for all!
Bilmo, I have a bil with AIDS.......you touched a lot of people with that earlier comment, which I see was deleted, and, yes, I reported it. We strive to be supportive here. I like to add humor, but not at the expense of someone else's feelings. And maybe because I have personally experienced the deaths of too many relatives in the last month, it was difficult to read death wished on anyone.
Lildeb, I know what you mean about 'what to do next.' The only vacation hubby and I had in the 5 years I had my mom, we ended up cutting it short by 3 days cause we didn't know what to do next.
Hubby has just started to grieve a little. He has been doing what I did last Sept. Taking naps during the day, no interest in keeping busy, feeling the weight of responsibility..........this from someone who is always on the go. I should have insisted that he got private time with his mom before she died, but I didn't. He las things left unsaid. I have decided to start screening phone calls and emails.......trying to keep the viltures at bay. Such is life.........
Hope everyone had a good weekend. Get a good night's sleep.
lildeb... it's funny in a way and very sad in another that you and hubby didn't know what to do next.... and it made me smile to know ya'll held hands... ya'll need to do this more often....not wait for another anniversary... and WOW for hubby's weight loss, tell him congrats on that.... and new clothes, that makes everyone feel better... and new earrings to wear and think about your hubby.... very happy it was a good day for you... and I am very sorry about your brother... it is a horrible disease and the meds they have to take are horrible on thier bodies... my friend will be sick for a week, barely get on her feet and it's time to take them again... thos I am very grateful they have made so much progress it is still horrible to feel so powerless and know there is nothing we can do to help.... so give bro a huge hug for me, and tell him to give it the good fight....
Beck, am sending you some monkey love..... hope you come back soon and let us know how you are... pain shared doesn't weigh as much, thinking of you...
Vickie Vic, how is dad?? I know how hard this is for you to watch his decline...where has your hero gone??? He's still there sweetie, just a little older and more frail, but he'll always be your hero.....hugs to you....
If you haven't posted in awhile, come back and let us know how you are doing.... don't make me worry..... love and hugs across the miles....
Busy afternoon here. I cooked 3 lbs of ground beef, cut up a huge pork roast and flavored the pieces 4 different ways, and made chicken dinner. Might become a vegitarian after all that :) Mom baked a frozen pie. Enough said.
Dad has another maintence treatment tomorrow for the cancer, then an appointment with his primary after I get off work. Not expecting any surprises, this is just a routine appointment. Need to get some meds refilled and discuss his blood pressure, which is better but not perfect. But it will be a long day for both of us. At least I can stop at the grocery store (have to anyway) and get their ribs. They heat under the broiler in 7 minutes. Micro potaoes take 5 minutes, and Volia! I have dinner done. I'm glad I don't gain weight just typing about food!
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Thanks everyone, the movie was great n we got to watch it in the BD theater for x-tra 2 bucks. Really didn't see the big deal it that part for it was no more than just feeling like you had a huge screen t.v right in your face. However, the soround sound was good and the bucket seats. Hubby had popcorn n something called, zero coke. It tasted aweful to me. I don't think it was a diet coke? I had about three hand fulls of popcorn n I could feel it wasn't agreeing with my acid-reflux so enough of that delious stuff so, I busted out my animal crackers n water. Yes, we did hold hands like it was our first date. We also had little over hr to left after the movie and we both said at the same time, "now what?" It was so funny for we had no idea what to do before we had to pick up his mom. So, we took a peek into Marshall store department n killed an hour. Hubby couldn't believe that the time had went that fast just looking in a store and he loves to shop. He was looking at every little thing they had on each aile. I could tell he was enjoying himself n that just made me even happier.
Oh the anniversary gift, one pair of nickle-free ear-rings and one pair of 14k ear-rings. Of course, I was with him to help pick them out yesterday. We had went out yesterday and bought him some new clothes for his gift. For he had lost from a size 44 down to 38. You can tell he feels a lot better n has more energy.
I hope everyone has a good night rest....zzzzzzzzzzz
Bilmo, my friend, as you say, "dial it back a smidge." Sam has her hands full. Her mom dumps on her all the time. Hey Sam, maybe you can get an air mattress for the front room. How did your nieces and nephews come to spend the summer with your mom. Doesn't their mother have a clue?
Here's my suggestion on the mistreated dog. Call a rescue society and have the dog picked up to taken to them. My friend is involved is such a group. They take dogs into their homes and make sure they receive all medical care needed and are up do date on shots, spayed and neutered, etc. Then they work with them if they have any behavior problems and place them in really good homes. Lots of hands on work and dogs find life long homes where they are loved.
The dog probably belongs to your bro. Some things can be done under the cloak of darkness and with a third party.
Well, the world is a sad place for all living creatures. Let's hang on to each other.
Love and Hugs, Cattails
Seemeride, I am sorry but, lol.... I remember when my mom was alive n when we went on a road trip she would have to stop for a pee break just about every hr. We have plenty of times stopped off side of road so she could go out their and with a flash light at night time. I think they the saying back then was, "He or she had to see a man about a dog." Funny how they were all cheering him on and with that red shirt. lol. Thanks... I would had slid down the seat as well.
I know you didn't mean what you said literally. It's always a risk to be quick with a comeback. I've had my little paw slapped before too. We just have to remember sometimes that others have their own sensitivities and something we say can hurt. Just accept it. It's life in the real world.
I'm sure you are forgiven. We can all see how hurt your feeling are. Maybe we can set up a new award. There is the cow patty award and there is the "beaten dog" award when someone steps in it and needs forgiveness.
At any rate, don't leave the thread. Everyone cares about you.
Hugs, Cattails
whew!! thank you gma stepdaughter!! i would "usually" take this time to do some "deep cleaning" around the house because its so much easier and faster to do when gma's not following me. i have to throw trash next door at mom's(hee hee) OR next NEXT door at the neighbors. gma tends to dig thru her trash cans and pull things out i have thrown away, including food! yes.... i did say food.
today i don't feel like doing ANYTHING! i'm gonna lay around... eat.... sleep....pick on the rug rats since i don't see them very often.....and i'm not going to a thing! (yeah right) i say that now but it wouldn't surprise me to end up doing the total opposite of what i "think" i'm going to do.
someone asked if my daughter did anything after grad night was cancelled? NOPE!! i dropped her off at del taco with some friends(not from school) made sure she had money to eat then an hour later she called asking me to pick them all up, take her to jack in the box cause she was starving but didn't eat where she was at(don't ask) then we all came home for about an hour before she asked me to drop them off. one kid i knew lived across town, use to date his dad & he passed away last year at 39) but the other kid lived 45min's away and i had no idea. he says "i can catch the bus in the morning" i looked at him and said "so...do you want a pillow to take to the bus stop now?" my kid laughed and i said unless you plan on sleeping on a bench until the bus comes in the morning, lets go and i took him home.
on the way home she got a little teary-eyed about no grad night but there was nothing i could do.....
as for the selfish dog beating mother of mine.....
to wish ANYONE death by AIDS is JUST WRONG!! i too, know someone who is dying from AIDS and wouldn't wish that on anyone. the last time we spoke, she was yelling at me to get out of her house because i told her off for how she's been treating her grandkids and what she did to the dog SHE brought home to a house she doesn't even live in. like i said, my mother has her own issues she doesn't think she has (its everyone around her)
Sorry your mom has 'issues', hope someone reports her for beating the dog.. as Jam said, many animal lovers on here.... not happy about that, take the dog too....\
I am sorry you will have everyone at your house, but guess you will have to figure out a way to make it fun for them.... a huge camp out...at Aunties!!!!!
And yes it takes time to learn this sight, but you will, just hang in here and keep posting... if nothing else put this sight on FAVORITES and go right to it and then scroll and read... that's what I do now...hope your day gets better and you found a place to lay your tired head....
Happy Anniversary lildeb... hope you have a good time... let us know what hubby gave you for your present....
Bilmo, I have a friend LIVING with AIDS , not funny!!!!!!!!
hope everyone has a good day, and if the cleaning fairy shows up here, I hope she is ready to work..... hugs across the miles....
Is Gramma on medications for her behavior? She is a handful. It's never okay to abuse children unless they are heathens....lol.........but to beat the dog? There are dog lovers here who will take exception to that. Gramma left the food out afterall and apparently the dog was hungry. If Gramma's irrational behavior continues and her issues are not addressed, it's going to be a long summer for the niece and nephew. And you too for that matter! Hugs to you and I hope you have gotten some sleep.............keeping you in my thoughts!
notlike.....would you send hubby here to reroute my garden hose? I'm tired of dragging it across the yard....:)
I don't thing I went back and welcomed our new posters...glad to see you here and hope you find something here to help you in your care giving journey.
Yesterday afternoon the col called and this time was very pushy and adamant about coming home. I finally heard Target telling her "I am not your doctor....I am your son and I can't fix you".......she is still fixated on the fact that since he's a doctor he shouldn't have any problems fixing her. But then turns around and says there is nothing wrong with her, she can walk just fine.........HATE DEMENTIA. And while on the phone she pops up and says "Galmey just got here".......that was her GREAT AUNT and the col is almost 88 yrs old! Oh my..........................
Be on the look-out for the cleaning fairy..........she showed up at my house yesterday and wouldn't leave until the place was clean....she wears me out sometimes! Told her not to come back for a while.....:)
Hope you all have a very pleasant and peaceful Sunday.....supposed to storm very nastily here................love and hugz to all!
anyways.... thank you all for congratulating my daughter. graduation night did not end "as planned" and what was suppose to have been a night of celebration for all the graduates turned into a night of disappointment for so many people, including my daughter. grad night was cancelled because there weren't enough buses to transport the seniors to magic mountain. they made the announcement right after the ceremony ended and just before the fireworks began. i am still upset about this but obviously there isn't anything anyone can do to make up for this.
as for my niece and nephew... they will be staying with me & gramma for the rest of the summer. my mom(who lives next door) has too many "issues" going on in her life and she's taking it out on everyone around her, including the kids.
they told me they were hungry after we got back from graduation and since they were staying with my mom, i told her and in front of them she says "they can eat cereal because i'm not cooking" my nephew looked down & says to me "that's all we've been eating tia" i picked up burgers and sent them next door.
the following day gma & i pulled up after being gone a couple hours and my niece & nephew come over. we're not even out of the car and they tell me my mom yelled at them because my brother & his girlfriend ate something my mom bought and what ever was left in the package she marked "DON'T TOUCH"
tonight they both showed up crying and said my mom's dog ate food she left on the kitchen counter and after beating the dog with a stick in front of them she yelled at them about the blankiddy blank dog.
so....long story short, i got my 12yr old niece in my bed, my 17yr old in my bed, my cat also in my bed, my 14yr old nephew on the couch in the living room, gma asleep in HER bed and me??? its 330am, my eyes are burning and i think i'm just gonna throw myself on top of both these kids(on my bed) because eventually ONE of them will move!!
as long as i remind myself to BREATHE... i will somehow get through all this!!!
have a good night everyone & thank you for "leaving the light on for me"
Just a light thought for the end of the evening.
Love to all of you amazing care givers. Cattails
lildeb-Happy Anniversary! Enjoy the movie. Hugs.
I guess I won the cowpattie a while back...Yipee!
Today was not the best or worst day. Just a normal day in my little world. Hubby re-routed the garden hose to make it easier for them to water. He got kudos up the wazoo from Mom. I made dinner without thanks, but at least she liked it. I tried to make a joke about my sister not being able to cook, and all I got was "That's because I did all the cooking" and a bewildered look as to why my sis and I never seemed to learn any home ec skills when we were young. Like it's our fault for not liking what she likes. I also bought the wrong onions. Q: If two people buy sweet vadaila onions in two different stores, why is one better than another? A: Because one person pays more so that means it is better quality. I also haven't helped her fill out her new doctor forms yet, and on and on. Ah, life.
Sorry, just a bit of complaining there. All in all, it really wasn't a bad day. Hope everyone finds a moment of peace, and sleeps well tonight.
I realize there is that personal goal to have them pass at home, but if she is comfortable and well cared for, I'm not sure it is necessary. You will know more as things progress. I am sending you love and wishing you comfort. Cattails