This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
And I completely get what you are saying about not putting Mom in an Alz or memory care unit with your dad.... Keeping him at home as long as Mom can handle it is the best plan... some are able to stay until the end... it will depend on circumstances..... Health issues and whether or not you or a paid caregiver can be there, in other words, someone around 24/7.... it is so sad to watch, that's why I say we loose them twice... once to Alz. then the real end.... my heart hurts for you Beck, I do understand how you feel ....and you are right too that mom may not get her way... praying for her to have an open mind to at least hear what you have to say and for her to be more aware of options.... just messed up all the way around isn't it... keep us posted.... hugs across the miles to you...
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How long has your mom lived with you. What's her age and her mental state. Is she just beginning with the dementia or is it more advanced? Is she mentally competent. What are her other health issues? Do you have financial and medical POA for her? Is your brother included or can he be added it your mom ends up in Montana.
It's pretty normal for elders to fight placement or relocating from their friends and home locations. If you can give us a little more info, answer the questions I've asked, I think you will get some excellent suggestions.
BY THE WAY: I tried to post my response to the separate thread where you posted this question and it wouldn't allow me to do so. Said the thread no longer existed or had been removed. Maybe a glitch in the system. But that's why it reads the way it does.... Best wishes Cattails
Beck, so refreshing to hear someone say they have a supportive sib... you are blessed girl.... hope you had a good day.... love and hugs....
Gonna call it a night, love and hugs across the miles...
Well I've decided that as long as the Drs say it's ok I'm going to bring her home when she gets out. My brothers and sister have talked to me about what is going on and I need to clear some things up from my rant my sister isn't able to take care of my Mom even if she wanted to because she has kidney failure, congestive heart failure, and other health issues and is living with her son and his family. The oldest of my older brothers is on the verge of bankruptcy and can't afford the gas to drive the 2 hrs to get down here. And the younger of the two older brothers has blood clots in his leg from an accident back in the 90's that go from his ankle to his groin, and is coming up on his 1 year anniversary for a bone marrow transpant for bone cancer. So their not really in an shape to help me out.
Anyway we have talked and we're going to try and get her to fill out a power of attorney so that when the time comes we can sell the house to pay for long term care. Either that or I'm going to see if she would be willing to sell the house now and I'll buy a condo for us to live in and put the money from the sale of the house aside for her future care. But they are more than willing to help out when the time comes to get everything in order. Well I better go and love up my cats who are feeling very neglected right now.
But thanks for everything! I think that this site is going to help me out alot.
My prayers r with all of you...and that includes u...BILMO...lol..relax..pleeez don't re-quote me and post it with a response..haha jst take it for wat it is...friendship! Hugs all
hugs to ya..... later...
I did read through all the posts...let me say I am sending hugs to all of you, and you make me smile. A few highlights...
Beck-loved the poem. :)
Ladee-hair today, gone tomorrow! I consider hair changes as attitude adjustments. Which is probably why last time I got a cut, the lady said it's in the computer that I change my mind alot! Oh yeah.
Stormy - prayers for you and your Dad.
Lindy-good to see you. Glad your Mom is getting decent care.
Jam-my forever gratefulness to you for starting this thread. My lifeline. Sorry to hear the Col is declining more. Hugs.
I filled out the papers for FMLA. I didn't realize you could take it in small bunches, like when I have to be a doctor's appointments. Now I'll have legal protection from my one creeepy coworker.
My big news? I joined a gym today! The calorie counting thing is only getting me so far. So I'm going to try this. It's month to month, so I won't have to pay forever when I give it up LOL. And it's a real reason to get out of this house sometimes. I can't keep hiding downstairs and eating Doritos!
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.