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Bilmo...thanks!
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Beck, what you are feeling is normal and yes when we are raw we have knee jerk reactions... no harm done... no cyber drive by's allowed here..... you are so sad and angry and powerless right now.... it's just LARGE no matter what... this is hard for you to watch... and it makes it even harder because you are so close to your dad, same for Vickie Vic... common sense says it's not time to grieve, but we do, it's just hard to watch....loosing them twice.... caregiving is not for the weak willed or thin skinned that 's for sure.... just feel what you need to feel, don't stuff it somewhere it will only come back up at times when you least expect it... my heart hurts for you.... know that you are not alone, I am with you in spirit giving you a heartfelt hug.... praying for you to allow yourself to feel this, no magic fairy dust to make this go away.... you are loved, appreciated, and you are not alone.... hugs to you , and glad to know you feel we are 'neighbors'... that makes me smile.... just keep telling us what is going on... no one has to be 'brave' here, just human.... sending you angels to lighten you load....
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Bilmo...after re-reading ur post, i realized that i took it completely out of context, n misunderstood what you were saying...then i tagged your response post to potpot for me and "that's all she wrote"..I hope i don't receive a "cyberspace drive-by"!!!!! My God....i jst want this day to end..watever way possible...peace
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Bilmo....sry....real bad day...apologies
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Bilmo...thanks for the "practicing without a license" reminder, but let me jst assure u that I would never put my father in medical danger by taking away medication without his drs notification n approval. I will absolutely not get a new doctor, thanks...definately not a good day for that post..You might want to talk to ur dr about increasing ur meds..peace
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I don't know if i can handle my husbands mood swings, I told the doctor about him but he never did anything. His mother has Alzheimers and he is getting the same way. Only he drinks on top of it. I gave him his pills in a cupand took them to him, he comes in when I am in the shower and asked if he took my pills and he did, they were in another room. I can't say anything to him he gets mad and says he made a mistake for marrying me, 33 yrs. ago. I told him 3 times about what the doctor said in 2 days he asked me again! He leaves his car keys in the car all night but don't know where they are. And many other things he does, What can I do his stress gets me in pain, I have RA and bad back problems.
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Ladee..i did have dad tested for the UTI, and he was clear, and I also found out last week at his urologist appt that the bladder meds he had been taking to help with incontinence can include side affects where u notice cognitive changes. The dr said that it could b adding to his confusion, but not by much. What's much tho, wen ur talking about AZ! I got him off it asap, becuz i'll take watever and whenever i can look into my dads eyes and know that he's with me. I pray every moment of everyday that we can share that "look", even if it's only once. I can't believe that my daddy is gone. I wish i was 10 yrs old, if only for a day. I'm not doing so well, at the moment, so i'll check back later..love ya, Ladee
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Beck, also , just to be on the safe side, when there is abrupt change, have him tested for UTI.... because they can not tell us what is wrong, I insist on this with S as his decline has worseneded in the past month... no UTI, but better safe than sorry.... what I see in S is possible TIA's.... but he is having a lot of confusion he din't have last week...He is shuffling when he walks, swears his back doesn't hurt. it's so difficult when you see something different and they can't tell you... he has a vacant look in his eyes that has not been there before either....his day started good and he went down hill from there....S has had Alz for the past 8 yrs that they know of...
And I completely get what you are saying about not putting Mom in an Alz or memory care unit with your dad.... Keeping him at home as long as Mom can handle it is the best plan... some are able to stay until the end... it will depend on circumstances..... Health issues and whether or not you or a paid caregiver can be there, in other words, someone around 24/7.... it is so sad to watch, that's why I say we loose them twice... once to Alz. then the real end.... my heart hurts for you Beck, I do understand how you feel ....and you are right too that mom may not get her way... praying for her to have an open mind to at least hear what you have to say and for her to be more aware of options.... just messed up all the way around isn't it... keep us posted.... hugs across the miles to you...
A
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Jam..thanku for your ideas. The problem i'm having is that my mother, whom still very sharp and in fairly good health is.... and here's the hard part for me......EXTREMELY private. She refuses to discuss any option that requires NA assistance. We have something similar here re: independent living, but it's all a residence that primarily deals with AZ/dementia patients, and my mom would never survive the surroundings. I kno she sounds difficult,but I,m trying to be as empathetic to her as possible. I'm afraid that if i put them in such a facility my moms mental n physical condition will decline rapidly. She wants to b as close to me n my husband and i want to make that work for her. I feel so overwhelmed becuz i have to make a decision, but mom blocks me at every turn..Don't miss-understand me... I love my mother so very much. She's been so wonderful to me all my life..She's an amazing woman. I jst want to b able to make things happen the way she wants. I'll jst keep keepin on...right? Thanks, my friend, for the help...and huge hugs to you..
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beck...good morning to you also.....it's possible to see cognitive changes in the span of one day. With dementia, anything is possible. Tomorrow Dad may have a lucid day and you're going to be questioning your own sanity at that point! It sounds like Dad is progressing into the need for more daily assistance. Have you given any thought to looking into facilities that have apartments where the residents can live independently yet help is close at hand if needed? There is a NH in my area like that....assisted living and skilled care in the front, along the back of the building are apartments, with their own parking space and entry doors, but staff is still available if needed. Just a thought. I know this is tough and I would love to be able to tell you it's all going to be better.....unfortunately we all know this disease only goes down, never up......sending a hug so you will know you are thought of today!
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Good morning all...I have a question that is open to anyones response...Is it actually possible to see extreme cognitive changes in a person suffering with AZ, from week to week? My dads progression seems to be going so quickly. I really thought that this was more of a very slow progressing disease. He seems to be getting more and more confused with each day and the strain is building very fast for my mom. I'm not sure i will even have enough time to get them moved out of the house. I'm really scared..Any advice?
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burned: I would suggest finding a lawyer (or legal aid agency) that deals with ssa who will talk to you for free or very low cost for the first hour. Another thing to look into is contacting a law school in AZ and see if they have any free advice from there. they may have free advice sessions where the law students/professors answer questions. Just a thought. Hope all goes well.
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i am the kids payee and my husband payee rep....well they are asking him for payment for switching ...which i do not understand but i have everything placed in my name cuz of the forced spend down they put him on to continue LTC...ok well ssa is demanding that he pay back the 3,800 each that kids recieved on his settlement. I am the guardian and the cd's are in their name as minors besides having their own savings account according to az state law...what i do not get since payee status was switched and he can't take any money out why they want me to pay them back when i am working as his aide...so yes I am at a loss trying to figure this out but my next step is call them because the money went to their needs and rent and utilities until i became his caregiver and that is nearly 7,600 combined ...so tell me how do i fix this and get it settled ...need some serious advice from experienced folks who dealt with this situation..
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Not asking if you have to pay ss back for the kids CD. Just asking you to explain what you are talking about. I didn't know you had a CD for your kids. What's the problem with you being payee and how does that change anything?
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Burned: You have to pay SS back for what? The kids CD?
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ok being hubby's new payee i have to pay social security back and how can i do that without getting into the kids CD because they want to know how much we spent for the kids when he was still payee. I had to use that money for rent and pay the bills. right now I am working as a caregiver plus trying to pick up an extra job to do the right thing any advice for some of us who actually been thru this ...because I am still new this payee status and handling the insurance...etc i just need advice before they start deducting his ssdi check...pls pass info to me. very important...
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I'm here. Just tired. Hugs to all. Thursday will be my first night at the gym. Must sleep first! LOL
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Hi Pink.....what is mom's mental status? Have you talked with her about the possibility of living near her son? Is she her own guardian or does someone have POA? These things will impact what can be done and by whom. You mention a way to do it without fighting you every step of the way.....so it's safe to assume this has already come up? Sometimes for their own safety it simply boils down to the fact that they don't have a choice anymore, which makes it hard because as I've mentioned elsewhere, no one wants to leave the place they have found comfort for years. If you're just wondering about the easiest way to get her there.....Southwest Airlines and 3 hrs would have her in Montana. If she is over 75 yrs old, then she can fly on a reduced fare to save money. Would it be feasible for you to accompany her before you go back to work? It sounds like you and brother are on the same page so this transition might be easier than you think. Let us know how things turn out....sending you a hug!
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Hi Pink: I've read your other posts so I just want to recap what you have said previously and go from there. Your mom is living with you and has AZ. You are on family leave from your job and need to go back to work. You are your husband also want to leave NY and move to Florida, but you need to get mom settled first.

How long has your mom lived with you. What's her age and her mental state. Is she just beginning with the dementia or is it more advanced? Is she mentally competent. What are her other health issues? Do you have financial and medical POA for her? Is your brother included or can he be added it your mom ends up in Montana.

It's pretty normal for elders to fight placement or relocating from their friends and home locations. If you can give us a little more info, answer the questions I've asked, I think you will get some excellent suggestions.

BY THE WAY: I tried to post my response to the separate thread where you posted this question and it wouldn't allow me to do so. Said the thread no longer existed or had been removed. Maybe a glitch in the system. But that's why it reads the way it does.... Best wishes Cattails
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I AM MY MOM'S CARE GIVER TOOK A FAMILY MED LEAVE FROM WORK. I NEED TO GO BACK SOON. THE AREA I LIVE IN IS NEW YORK THE MOST EXPENSIVE PLACE FOR ASSISTED LIVING NO WAY AFFORDABLE FOR MY MOM TO LIVE. MY BROTHER OFFERED TO FIND HER A NICE PLACE IN MONTANA SO VERY AFFORDABLE. ANY SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO GET HER THERE WITHOUT HER BEING SO DIFFICULT FIGHTING US EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. I AM AT MY WITS ENDS DO NOT KNOW WHERE TO TURN OR WHAT TO DO!!! WOULD LOVE SOME IN PUT THANKS IN ADVANCE!!! KATHY
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Wondering....hugs and prayers and angels sent to you and brother and mil!!!!!
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My brothrt noe has leukemia and has been in the hospital but is now home. He ia a good guy who cannot catch a break. I am so worried about him while still taking care of my 93year old mother in law. Will you all please say a prayer and keep us all in your thoughts and prayers. Would be much appreciated. Hugs to all who will listen and answer.
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cougar, so sorry to hear of all the illness in your family, as Beck said, you are flying solo , so even more important to post as often as you need to or can... the condo sounds like a good idea.. don't know what the houseing market is in your area, but am sending prayers for a good outcome for you both.... do you have any health issues??? Please let us know how YOU are feeling..... hugs to you...
Beck, so refreshing to hear someone say they have a supportive sib... you are blessed girl.... hope you had a good day.... love and hugs....
Gonna call it a night, love and hugs across the miles...
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Cougar..(ditto on likin the name), i'm so sry that your sibs are all in such fragile health that u are going at this pretty much "solo". I, too, am caring for my parents, solo from my sibs. They all live in different states, but i do get a great deal of emotional support from my wonderful sister, whom i call daily in Colorado to jst update on dad or cry. That, in itself, has comforted me a great deal. My thoughts n prayers r with u..i understand wat ur going thru..peace n hugs to you
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Well thanks everyone! To answer some of your questions my mom has medicare and Tricare for life from my dads time in the airforce. Her other issues are really bad cataracts so she can't see very well and she's too scared of the surgery to have it taken care of. She also has some dementia and the Drs say that the sodium imbalance made is making that worse until it gets back into balance. She also was in the hospital in January for atrial fibrillation which started as a result of a bad kidney infection. She has Diabetes which is under control so she doesn't need to be on meds for it. And like a lot of older women she has osteoporosis and arthritis in her back, knees, and hips.

Well I've decided that as long as the Drs say it's ok I'm going to bring her home when she gets out. My brothers and sister have talked to me about what is going on and I need to clear some things up from my rant my sister isn't able to take care of my Mom even if she wanted to because she has kidney failure, congestive heart failure, and other health issues and is living with her son and his family. The oldest of my older brothers is on the verge of bankruptcy and can't afford the gas to drive the 2 hrs to get down here. And the younger of the two older brothers has blood clots in his leg from an accident back in the 90's that go from his ankle to his groin, and is coming up on his 1 year anniversary for a bone marrow transpant for bone cancer. So their not really in an shape to help me out.
Anyway we have talked and we're going to try and get her to fill out a power of attorney so that when the time comes we can sell the house to pay for long term care. Either that or I'm going to see if she would be willing to sell the house now and I'll buy a condo for us to live in and put the money from the sale of the house aside for her future care. But they are more than willing to help out when the time comes to get everything in order. Well I better go and love up my cats who are feeling very neglected right now.

But thanks for everything! I think that this site is going to help me out alot.
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Notlike....joined the gym???? U go girl...thanks 4 the shout out..hugs
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Good evening all...hope everyone got a little rest over the holiday weekend. My husband n i spent this weekend house hunting for mom n dad. Dad has not had a good weekend n my sweet mother is ready to break. I have to find a place soon to get them closer or a home large enough for 2 families that is affordable. This is an overwhelming task and my emotions r on full tilt. Another weekend of tears''oh, well..i think i'm entitled to my routine melt downs. I pray that we find something soon.
My prayers r with all of you...and that includes u...BILMO...lol..relax..pleeez don't re-quote me and post it with a response..haha jst take it for wat it is...friendship! Hugs all
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Yep, central Texas.... no matter where I have lived in my crazy life, I always end up back "home"..... in my planning of my future sabbatical, I could wander around Texas for the next 20 years and never have to leave...just here in Central Texas there are caves I could live in, not much different than the Grapes of Wrath Wagon I live in now.... It's larger than a cardboard box, does have AC that is a 'gotta have' in our heat, the Diva, my cat, has her room at the front... she LETS me live her with her.... tell me about your pets or family members that you love... Diva is family, the only one besides kids and grandkids I can stand being around.... in so many ways I relate to what you are going thru with family, but like I said, I made up my mind a long time ago they were NOT going to live in my head rent free for the rest of my life... it's a process, not an event, took time, but it was worth the energy invested.... pay attention to when you start feeling sad about your mom if you then go off on a 'family tangent' ,might just be a diversion to keep from missing mom.... not all of it I know, and you are entitled to how you feel, just hope it doesn't become who you think you are... the family hater... you are more than that and you know it..... do you have any hobbies, collect anything, get that hand fixed so you can play guitar again... my sons play and the one down with all the broken bones... it's helping him to get thur some of the endless hours of being alone while I am at work, or until a visitor stops by..... take a baby step bilmo, one tiny step to taking better care of yourself.... time zones don't mean much to some of us.... haven't been sleeping that much here lately anyway....
hugs to ya..... later...
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I didn't realize how busy I'd be with parents that are relatively independent. Every time I turn around, there is something to do...to keep the peace, to make things easier for them, to keep them occupied, whatever. So every spare minute this weekend was busy, or spent with hubby, who leaves again tomorrows for another work week out of town. I got extra sleep this weekend, but don't feel like I rested.
I did read through all the posts...let me say I am sending hugs to all of you, and you make me smile. A few highlights...
Beck-loved the poem. :)
Ladee-hair today, gone tomorrow! I consider hair changes as attitude adjustments. Which is probably why last time I got a cut, the lady said it's in the computer that I change my mind alot! Oh yeah.
Stormy - prayers for you and your Dad.
Lindy-good to see you. Glad your Mom is getting decent care.
Jam-my forever gratefulness to you for starting this thread. My lifeline. Sorry to hear the Col is declining more. Hugs.
I filled out the papers for FMLA. I didn't realize you could take it in small bunches, like when I have to be a doctor's appointments. Now I'll have legal protection from my one creeepy coworker.
My big news? I joined a gym today! The calorie counting thing is only getting me so far. So I'm going to try this. It's month to month, so I won't have to pay forever when I give it up LOL. And it's a real reason to get out of this house sometimes. I can't keep hiding downstairs and eating Doritos!
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
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bilmo, how's the panic attack????? I used to have them all the time, have been on meds for years.. hope you are feeling better..... hugs.
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