This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
My husband n i were looking at different condo's online jst to see wat's out there these days. Wow, there are so many beautiful places and i started to feel alittle hopeful that things would b ok. I then left the house to go to dads to take him to his dr appt. When i walked in, my mother whispers"Have you seen anything that we would like"? I told her yes, and she got very excited and jst kept saying how much she wanted us all to b together. She asked me about some of the places i had looked at...so with great excitement i began to describe the beautiful condos, many by the water, complete with ducks and all! I told her the surroundings were beautiful and it would certainly give her a better outlook on life. Then i continued on with wat i thought would be the real draw..I said, "Mom, many of these condo's are in beautiful gated communities. I think you would feel much safer there." She didnt look as excited as i anticipated. She looked very puzzled and made "that face" when i know shes not happy, and she proceeds to say, "honey, I think i'm too old to live in a gay community." In true 53yr old..losin bladder control with each passing day form,..i double over laughing and..yep..pissed all over myself!!!!..Good thing i was taking dad to see the urologist, cuz wen we got there, i asked if he was offering a 2 for 1 special!!! There's more laughter that comes out of the elderly, not jst out of the mouths of babes..right?? Had to share this.
Ladee n Notlike..thanks for "kinda" offering to help us move..lol...but i sure would love to b able to meet you face to face..then we could all piss our pants together..lol........Hugs to all
Pink..we all have had those days..keep posting to people who can relate and offer some advice and comfort. My motto with this forum is.."A posting a day keeps insanity at bay!!!" Corny, i know, but true..I'll be praying for u...hugs
Viv-more prayers a'comin...
Vic-Wouldn't it be nice to know that when the mind was wandering, it was always someplace wonderful? Maybe your Dad was taking a Sunday drive in the country in his mind. And looks like we can add your brother to the s**t list of sibs. Hugs.
beck-Wow, what changes are in store for you. Blessings on this new chapter in your life. We're here for you (except for actually doing the moving! LOL)
Songs...hmmm. I don't know any Eineinem (sp?), Ladee. I do have a bunch of songs that are themes for me...Can't Cry Anymore by Sheryl Crow, Cleaning Windows by Van Morrison, and Family Portrait by Pink, among many. Anyone else? How about Living Lavita Loco for an anthem?!? Hmmm...
Good night, and better tomorrows.
Beck, glad things were settled so quickly, and yes, I would be very sad too leaving a home of 25 years....What a job ya'll have ahead of you...allow yourself some time to process everything going on....it will only hit you later when you are 24/7 caregiving....Too bad all of us can't be there to lend a hand, we'd have you packed and moved in no time... it would take you months to find things, but we'd have ya moved...keep us updated...
Ladee: Pillow therapy. Bahahahahaha. Oh the thoughts that go through our minds. I have them too. I love your sense of humor. My husband use to say about my mom, "You couldn't kill her with an ax." She had a lot of serious health issues. Was diagnosed with cancer a year after moving here. Bounced back from so many things, but became really difficult in her last year due to pain medications that she began to abuse. That was a very difficult year and I was always the bad guy. Eventually, she fell and broke her hip. She passed away on her birthday; Dec. 18, 2008. I always feel bad that her last year was so tense and difficult between us.
Vivian: Get some rest and let us know how your mom is doing.
Have a good day everyone. Cattails
Vic, That is aweful that those dag-gum diapers not holding all that poopie.
glad you were able to get 3 nights rest for yourself. I hope you will continue to get some more rest for you know caregivers need all they can get.
Everyone have a nice weekend as best as possible. Today is a whole new day so I am going to try and be as optimistic as possible.
Viv..thanks for the sweet words..
Here..well we are in holding mode as dad has been pretty alert lately..he is feeding himself better and it trying to converse more. He seems a little more aware of his bodily functions but we still have messes to clean up ..ughhh yesterday we had an appt at ENT for a replacement hearing aid..don't think I told you guys he lost one of his hearing aids.. Never did find only thing I can think of it went out with the poo that day.. Well anyway ..course I pick him up to take him to bathroom..moms in there as usual, we have to wait a minute..too late.. Don't know how the stuff gets around the diaper but dang it sure does ..all down his leg sock and shoe.. We made it to ENT on time only to find out the aid did not fit in his ear correctly ..so sending back to have remade. What a day! Last night..dad calls me to tell me he has to pee..we I go in there ..give him urinal..no pee.. Next time he calls..ask me to get his hair cut..he wants to go shopping and needs a cup of coffee..this is at two am.. Tell him that and he goes back to sleep..then the rest of the night he is talking and having conversations with somebody..at 6 I was checking on him and he had his feet in the air..knees bent..like maybe he was riding in a car???..who knows.. Now he is finally sleeping.. Today is beauty salon day for mom..thankfully Lorraine ( our caregiver) talked me in to letting her come to sit with dad so I can take mom.. It has really made it easier. She had a day open up and has been coming two days a week and now the couple hours on Friday for the last several weeks. It has been a tremendous help! She has a big heart and give much kindness to my parents. They seem to have a good time together. Hubby and I are very grateful for her and I hope she will be with us through the end.
Don't remember if I told you guys that my brother has started coming .. His work brought him a few hours away..so the weekends that he is there he has been coming on sat and staying til Sunday afternoon... I have had I think three night all to myself. He and I don't really see eye to eye.. A couple of summers ago he was close in distance and came but dad was better then..think he is getting a reality check at the moment but when I ask if he would tke a vacation and cme for a week so hubby and I can have a little time he hems and haws..comes up with me applying for va aid and attendance, which is a great program, but mom and dad bring in too much money..well I tell him this and tell him I have been doing this 4 years and dad is I the va system..he doesn't listen ... I tell him I am not abusing their money and that they have enough to do what we are doing.. He then comes back that he was just trying to get me more help. I sware I wish he would get off his high horse and humble himself to take some days..but whenever I mention he comes up with one excuse after another... So.. I got a few days off when my hubby came home this last time and went to visit my daughter. Poor mom was so upset because she thinks she they have taken our lives from us to care for them. Hubby and I both had to reassure her that this is what we want to do.. So finally things have calmed down and I got a breather and feel emotionally better right now.
Sorry about all the rambling ... A day in the life of caring for our loved ones.
Pray you all have the best day in whatever situation you are in..
Beck, the 'furbabies' are our pets... and Seeme has been waiting on baby Old English Sheepdogs.... and I know she will be ok with them being our mascot.. great idea....we need something that doesn't refer to body fluids, sleepless nights, grumpy elders and sibs that need to have lessons in compassion...
And your poor mom, not only the reality set in but the exhaustion....I know there are times I think M is being ugly to S, but she is alone with him in his sundowning hours where he is pacing the floor.... we did laugh yesterday when she told me to put the cookie jar in the cabinet... he can't find the bathroom but knows where the cookie jar is....
She is being put back on XJade, a med that helps the body to absord iron.... her count was in the thousands... got her transfusions yesterday so she will start feeling better soon... as much as I would like to do 'pillow thereapy" with her sometimes, I do know she is battling her own disease too.... and then having S make a mess in the bathroom or to keep asking her when they are going home, yeah, she gets grumpy with him....
lilly, what an uncomfortable situation with the neighbor... but the bottom line is, when we are dealing with people like that, I call them "bucket heads", they walk around with a bucket on thier head, oblivious of how they affect people, and then get twisted when we set a boundry with them...a hundred years from now , it simply won't matter, so do what you have to do.... and I know that feeling of anxiety wondering if someone is going to pop in or call.... take care of you... the added stress of her is simply not worth it....let us know what you had to say to her, and if she starts spinning, aim her toward the door!!!!!
Notlike, I LOVE your husband..... can I borrow him??? Just for the hole digging and humor, don't need him for anything else.... can't phanthom having a man around in the mood i'm in most of the time....I have enough crazy stuff going on in my head without having a partner in crime.... love ya little girl...
Cattails, you don't post too much, you are doing something positive with your time....helping uplift people, giving good suggestions and sending prayers, but at the same time, don't forget about you.... we need to know when your days aren't ok and you are sick to death of what ever you have to endure on any given day.... let us know what is going on with you.... give us a chance to return the positive....
Viv, there is a thread on here about what you know now and how would you have done things differently... the main theme it seems is about setting boundries and not setting aside time for yourself.... we just jump into our caregiving roles and learn as we go, and somewhere it never occurs to us that we are going to need ME time...... I work all day caregiving, then come home and tend to my puddle of broken bones son..... felt like crying all day yesterday... just too damned tired.....and I have so few functioning brain cells as it is,,,,
lildeb, put those boundries in place FIRST....they can be juggled to fit the situation, but we complain about not having a moments peace, and yet then we worry about about who's feelings are going to get hurt or who's going to get mad... Lord but I am tired of being manipulated by other peoples issues.... but I am more outspoken that most of you... learned a long time ago, the world will not tilt on its axis if I say what's on my mind.... or take time for myself....or don't answer an email or let voicemail catch the call..... One of these days we are going to have a revolution, and a collective outcry about WHAT ABOUT ME.... then there will be some earthquakes and mountains trembling.... and the folks we are taking care of will be just fine without us for 10 F**king minutes.... Like Monday when M told me to sweep the dining room... have mercy the things that went thru my mind....I got some crumbs for ya as I'm grabbing my crotch,,, or, I'm going to use those bread crumbs to leave a trail to where they can find you setting under a tree, and on and on... none of it was said out loud, but if that woman ever decides to look at my face she'll just melt into a puddle of pee.... we are going to be dead longer than we are going to be alive... so make some choices today for YOU......
I'm sure I forgot someone, don't be offended, just give me shout out that I didn't say your name or ackwoledge you, then i'll tell you a story about bread crumbs....
We need to come up with a Caregivers Anthem, like the song, "Shuffin", If we could get Eimenem to do us a rap song about Caregiving it would sell millions.... but then we'd never have time to listen to it.... yeah, we need to take care of US for a change.....Lord, please don't let us all get pissed off on the same day.... I'm just sayin'... so go give em hell today, smile and think about what we are going to say on here when we get a minute... hugs to you all, we are not alone.... thank God....
Cattails-You do not post too much. We need everybody on this site, and want to hear it all...the good, bad, and ugly. And the funny, and dark, and silly, too! What about a bed alarm for your Dad? It's a pad that goes underneath him, and a loud tone goes off if his weight isn't on the pad. You might be able to catch him before he gets too far and falls. They have them in nursing homes, maybe a medical supply store would carry them. Hugs.
Well, the boys are back. Yeah! Even after the truck broke down and had to be towed. It is so good to have them home. After telling hubby how NOT wonderful Mom had been, and all her demands for us to do extra yard work, he said he will do yard work. He'll start outside her bedroom window by digging a 6 ft long, 6 ft deep, 3 ft wide hole. That man can go as dark as we do sometimes! LOL
I hope everyone has a wonderful day!
Also, I don't get the current posts via AC as others have mentioned and I use the news thread, but it's not always complete either. But I have to admit to being a bit bummed lately, so just a combination of all things I guess.
Stormy: I read your post about your dad coughing up blood a couple minutes ago. I was shocked to hear that your sister's response was so minimal. It kind of gave me a new take on her. Maybe she is really fearful of your dad passing and just can't accept that all of her efforts won't keep him going forever.
From my perspective, I would have called 911 and had an ambulance come and get him. I'm assuming he has medicare which would cover the cost of the ambulance....at least it did for my mom and dad, but they do have a supplemental policy to back up their medicare plan. The thing is, the ambulance gets them right into ER and there is no waiting in reception. The bleeding would have me very worried.
If you are on call and your dad is doing that again, just get him to the hospital or call 911 and have an ambulance transport him. You can make that decision with out your sister's approval or permission. I think it's the responsible thing to do. He needs tests to determine what is going on and his lung doc will order more tests if he is already in the hospital. Just do what you know in your heart is best.
Vivian: I'm sorry to hear your mom may end up in the ER for pneumonia. I am definitely keeping you in my prayers. Please keep us all posted. Sending you lots of hugs.
Beck: Do the short sale and make the move. You may have to live with your parents until one of both places sell. Don't know if that's a possibility. You are opening the next chapter to caregiving; everyone under the same roof, so you will have to factor in ways to have some space of your own and make that clear to your parents before hand. I wish you the best of luck.
My dad took a fall tonight. I was just mentally congratulating myself today, as I was stuck in the house as usual watching him on the video monitor, that he has been under our roof for almost 8 months now and no falls. He got his mojo working tonight and managed to get out of bed and part way to the bathroom. He ended up in a walk in closet and fell. Thank God he didn't get hurt. He could have hit his head on drawers or worse yet, made it to the bathroom and fallen on the tile floor. My mind has been filled with the what if's.
I'm heading back to bed. Best wishes to everyone for a good day tomorrow or at least one that has good results. Hugs, Cattails
Burned, I am glad that it was not a bad scorpion and they can get nasty if they are for I had a friend's husband got sting and he was rushed to ER for he couldn't hardly breath. he is doing much better. Not sure if I told you Congratulation for your daughter but I know you got to be very proud of her.
Vivan, do you need to get some a short term memory card for your computer to help it stop from freezing up? Sometimes when you use all your long memory and your short memory you may need to buy some more short memory. Hubby is a computer whiz if you need any help. ; )
Stormy, I keep a bottle of 'pure lavendar oil." I put it on as soon as it happens and it helps the burn. Don't think you can put it on like a blister burn? I hope you are okay?