This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Diva......not much more that I can add to what everyone else is saying.....prejudice runs deep in some people, especially the elderly who were raised in a different era than the rest of us....as the others here have said, continue to hold your head up and give the same loving care that you always have, as that is the most important thing.
Okay.........here is the pondering question for this month.....and blame this one on ladee....:) What are (were) the names of the 3 Little Pigs? I can remember only 2 of them...............put your thinking caps on now!
Love and Hugz to all of you!
Mother Hen
Billmo, my friend, Good luck tomorrow. Hands in pockets.
Ladee: You have an amazing gift of love to share. I worked with terminally ill children and their families for 23 years. It was my passion. I understand that this is your passion and that every life you touch feels the goodness that your offer.
Notlike: You are a sweetheart. A day or two off is a good thing.
Good night everyone. Hugs, Cattails.
I see we have some newcomers- Welcome aboard........ Glad to have you here. Well i will chat with you all later. Love and hugs stormyyy
I see we have some newcomers- Welcome aboard........ Glad to have you here. Well i will chat with you all later. Love and hugs stormyyy
And I have to deal with families also, but don't have the luxury of being able to tell them to F**k off.... well I did with Ruth's daughter after she died.... I could tell horror stories of the life my lady Ruth had to endure with her daugher...but she is out of all of it now... miss her...
And because it is my choice to work with and for S, I also have to work for and with his wife... now that is a choice I would not have made... but in order for me to experiance this part of S's life, I have M as part of the deal.... and yes, it was a choice I guess, but had no way of knowing how she was... but I live my life having no regrets.... and I would have regretted not getting to work with S.... But I also feel each of our elders are our 'teachers'... they teach us our limitations, compassion, forgiveness.... S is the dad I never had.... so how could I not want to be part of this... nothing happens by mistake... nothing... we fall off into this sight, make some wonderful long lasting relationships, get and give, and some on here I love very much and do not know how they do what they do, having two parents to take care of...no help... but thru it all, I always feel the love here...always.... So Jam started this safe place for us to come and be ourself... not always pretty on some days.... but the love is here.... just very grateful this evening for so many things... so, keep on keepin' on...that's what we do.... hugs across the miles to all of you....
Jam-thanks for the history lesson of the thread. I just assumed it magically appeared - it's that how we caregivers get things done? LOL
Cmag-With what you are facing, I would like to remind you of one of my favorite quotes, by Winston Churchhill. "When you are going through hell, keep going." Hugs.
golfgirl-Wow. I'm in awe. Kudus for you for not being dumped on!
Ona-Do you have access to medical help for yourself? There is nothing wrong, shameful,, or weak about seeing a therapist and/or taking anti-depressents. Many of us have done that, and it can help a great deal. Please let us know how you are doing. Hugs.
burned - you and your family remain in my prayers. Hugs.
Ladee-Hope you have a wonderful weekend! Hugs.
Stormy - praying and waiting to hear about your Dad...
Ona's horrible sibs bring up a point that hits close to home for me. Was this really my choice??? My sis and I agreed a long time ago that she could not care for the parents when they became ill or disabled. They can not afford to live on their own. So now that they are ill, they are with me. Was that really my choice? What else could I have chosen? I would never let them suffer in poverty and sickness. So that's my choice, I guess. But it doesn't mean that I spent my adult life waiting and hoping for this. I do my best because this responsibility is mine now, but it doesn't really seem like my choice. If I could choose, I would undo their financial mistakes, and their bitterness, and give them some understanding of what my sis and I have gone through to help them. But since I don't get to choose that, it' s not my choice then, is it? Just my rambling...
And here's one for the It Figures file-with the men away, I get to mow the lawn. Not my usual chore. I lucked out and the neighbor cut the front for me two nights ago. It was late, so I thought I'd do the walk behind mowing the next night. Of course, the parents picked that day to sweep the entire driveway and front walk, and bag all the helicopters, sticks, and grass. So there was no way in hell I was going to mow and mess everything up. Now, not only am I stressing about having to mow, I'm also stressing about making a mess! I'm glad they got outside and did something, but I did not ask them to sweep. Once again, the choice thing, I guess. I would not have chosen for them to sweep at all (we have a leaf blower), and certainly not that day. Mom is so happy it looks nice, so I get the guilt of having it messy in the first place, and again when I mow tomorrow.
And the day ends with Dad's doctor calling. He is supposed to start his maintenance treatments on Monday, but the drug is out of stock. So they want to wait a week to see if it comes in, otherwise, they will have to come up with a new treatment plan. I will be spending time tomorrow researching what his choices are. There's that darn word again.
When I was on the phone with the doctor's nurse, we talked for a minute about both my parents having cancer. She said she hoped I was taking care of my self and getting support. I told her I was (I have all of you!). It was sweet of her to ask, but it occured to me later that all the asking in the world will not take this away or make it all better. So how am I feeling today? Like a gerbil in an exercise wheel.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Thought this would make your day as it is appropriate to what you have been enduring with sibs.... NONE of them have a prairie rose.... now tell me, who is the special one.... WOOT WOOT!!!!
Burned: Do you think your husband's paranoia about being placed makes him distrust your desire for a different doc?
You've said before that you don't get along with his doctor and that she will not allow you to change him to another physician. (The arsenic issue) If your husband is deemed competent, why can't he insist that this doctor be replaced. Would he prefer a different doctor?
You have so much on your plate. Hugs, Cattails
You are under so much strain with your mom and your emotions are all other the place. Is it possible for you to get some counseling and/or some depression medication. Maybe you have already done this.
From what you have said in your past posts, your mom has cancer and it is advanced. I know it breaks your heart, but your mom will not be with you forever. Your boyfriend could be in your life for years to come.
You have taken care of so many people in your life. I hope you can get some help in taking care of you. You deserve all happiness and sunshine. Don't mean to stick my nose in your business. Just hoping love and happiness for you.
Hugs, Cattails
Welcome to our new posters......I will address each one specifically when you post more just rest assured I know you are here and have read your story.....
burned......whew!!!!! Might I suggest something? It seems like you are dealing with so many different things at once and you are just slipping around and getting nothing accomplished. If you aren't happy with any diagnosis from hubby's doctor, then change doctors. You say hubby has seizures, but doctor says no. Has he ever mentioned pseudo-seizures? You state that the Power of Attorney cannot be invoked yet....why is that? If hubby is ill and won't allow himself to be hospitalized, then he is not making a rational decision, thus you can step in. Does his doctor feel he needs to be admitted? Why don't you put hubby into a facility for a month or two until you can get everything taken care of.....CPS and unruly children, and nasty neighbors and other things you are dealing with right now. Just some thoughts.
stormy.......let us know about Dad........
CMag......don't try to project into the future because you will soon find yourself dwelling on "is it going to be today"......none of us know when our time will come....only the Man Upstairs has the inside scoop. My mother's husband didn't prepare for her....such as put her on his military retirement benefits because they were convinced she would go first.....she outlived him by eight years. Glad to hear you are feeling better....now you will probably have more energy.....how's the man cave?
Talked with the col last night...she is now starting to invent her own language...fascinating!!! But I have to laugh because Target still looks at her from a clinical viewpoint and I keep telling him "go to her world".....it makes more sense. She hasn't seen any old friends or family lately and I guess Elvis left the building permanently.......
Target has been craving fish.....for those who don't know....husband has had a non-functioning gallbladder since the first of the year....doctors are crappy patients....and finally got him to see his doctor and get the darn thing removed in April.....he hadn't eaten for about 4 months and with his appetite back.........lock the pantry doors!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, fish...so I asked......"what, you want me to throw a line in the pond?" no Capt Disease will do..............ewwwwwwwww! So off to town I will go in a bit. And besides it's too hot to stand on the edge of the pond.
Wishing you all a happy, happy Friday and hope you can find something pleasant just for yourselves today that you don't have to share with anyone else.........
Happy Trails,
Mother Hen :)
Bilmo, the whole thing about cousins started when I said Notlike's Mom and M are sisters, so that made her and I cousins.....then Viv volunteered to be Cousin IT, I'll let her explain...lol... and you can be Uncle Fester if you want, or give it time and we'll nick name you.....
I hope each and every one of you get some kind of pleasant surprise this weekend... be it only 27 trips to the bathroom as opposed to 47, or a detour with the questions being asked over and over.... my sweet little man S had a birthday yesterday.... told him Happy Birthday, he smiled and asked, is it really my birthday,,, Yes sir... it is.... how old am I?? 84..... well damn I'm lucky to still be here.... that man makes me smilel... M on the other hand.. uh well, ya'll all have heard that story.... she can't help it i guess, but mercy, just grateful to not see the world as she does.....
So will keep ya'll posted as to how many hours my grandangel spends in the pool, guests are getting a hotel room , so swimming for everyone, even son has decided that sounds good for all the broken bones...
Hugs across the miles to ya'll, check in later.... love ya