This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Vivian-so sorry to hear about your Mom's eyesight. You might want to contact the Council for the Blind to see what help they can offer. Hugs. And glad to welcome Cousin It! LOL
Stormy-wow, lots of appointments this month for you and Dad. Wouldn't it be great if they supplied beds for caregivers to get naps while waiting??? Hugs.
Ladee-The more cousins the merrier! I want Hand to help me around here! LOL Maybe we can pass Hand around to the best-named cousins! :) Mom is being generally decent, even though I don't seek her out to spend time together. What seems to be most important is that when she does want to talk, I listen attentively and be very impressed with whatever she has to say. I don't bother telling her much about me anymore, like my day at work or whatever, because she doesn't seem to care. Unless she can make a crisis out of it and tell me what to do. And Dad clues me in when he can about what she's on a bender about, so I know in advance when to sound very suprised or interested. I am earning an Academy award daily here. I love the puzzle image - Lord knows all the pieces here don't fit together! And still I keep trying, along with everyone else on this site. Hugs.
slk-Enjoy yourself at the camper. Give up the emails if you want, or try adding things like "He's love some company this week," or "When can you stop by?" Soemtimes, people have to be pushed into behaving. Hugs.
crs-Welcome! It sounds like you are in need of a break and not getting enough help. Blessings to you for taking care of your grandparents. Hope everything comes out okay at the ER. Please let us know, and come back and spend more time with us. Hugs.
brandy-So happy your early Mother's Day went well! What a blessing. Now - spend a guilt-free Sunday doing something YOU want. Hugs.
I had a pretty good day, including a nap. Have been giving gimpy dog asprin twice a day, and he is doing better. Wondering how the weekend will go...
Good night, and better tomorrows.
And Notlike we have a new cousin.... IT, her real name is Viv, but she says she quailifies because she is hairy, and apparently very comfortable with herself for sharing that with us.... I am a very visual person, and it has blown my poor little over worked mind....So, we are starting our family tree here, everyone welcome, just say who you are... and please, don't give me an oppurtinity to do it....ya'll know I'll take it over the top.....
Thank God today is Friday..... love ya'll, hugs and angels....
brandy, do what your heart guides you to do in regard to Mother's day... I was thinking this morning, when they were raising us, they had no history with us, yes they brought their history into OUR lives, but as we take care of them , WE have history with them.... so our job is twice as hard... not only do we do what we do for them, but have all the angst that comes with being raised, or abondoned or abused by them... what the F**k is wrong with this picture...????? So do what your heart guides you to do.... have no regrets....
Cousin Notlike, you know, I bet we have a Cousin IT somewhere!!! (re: The Munsters) Anyone here hairy enough to volunteer.... this is the best family we have, so pick your family label and let us know.... but no one gets to be the Mama or the Daddy.... the only rule we have....other than that,it's wide open...
How is mom reacting to you not having much to do with her??? That's what I did with M yesterday... I choose to make myself a 'moving' target, staying busy and out of mouth range.... S and I had a good day, so all was not in vain...
Lildeb, get someone to make some cardboard cut outs of you and place them all over the house... if nothing else she will be so confused she won't know who to talk to first....with little motion detectors that activate a recording when someone is near.... I think I have missed my calling... I could make a fortune with some of these ideas for caregivers to get a break....
Golfgirl, good move about the white lie, what ever it takes to keep them calm.... and kudos to you for leaving when it started getting loud.... and no problem about the post... some on this sight really don't like me, so I'm sure they ignored your suggestion... or wished they had 'defeathered' me thierself....lol
BSO, it is crazy making isn't it... it's about them treating us that way because they think it's ok... somehow, somewhere we gave them perimission to do this, unknownly on our part...
Caregiving is just this great big crazy ass puzzle that has been thrown at our feet and like a bunch of dummy's we started trying to make the pieces fit.... at least at the end of the day we all have each other... blessings and hugs to you all, ttyl
beckncall53, that is all you can do sometimes is try to find laughter in what is going on and that way we keep from going completely crazy. However today she was getting on my last nerve while I at a conference about caregiving and finally called the hubby to pick her up and take her to his job. Well, before I went back in we all went to eat lunch and she was mad at me for telling him that she kept complaining to everyone. She denied it and said she didn't know I felt that way about her.
Ladee, I wished that I had recorded her,darn, another one got away. You really got to stay on your toes as a caregiver and this is just moderate stage. Lord help me. So we went to McDonald. I order us all something to eat and I gave mnl her cup so she could get some coke she refuse my help. so quitely watched her as she filled her cup with grape soda instead of coke. Let just day that, I was just grinned ear-to-ear. I so bad... I did feel bad in mid of eating n offer to dump her drink for she kept saying it tasted funny. Instead, hubby got up and done it for us.
BSO213, my mnl does the combative stuff and just wisper cuss as soon as I would walk by or at the living room that is if I don't give her my full attention. Someone here had mention using head phone sets and that does wanders sometimes.
Golfgirl, sorry you had to reschedule another appointment for your mom. Small things like needed room for a wheel chair in a cab is taking for granted by others for they do not have to deal with the situation until they have to face it themselves. That was quick thinking for an excuse to keep her from getting upset and at least you got a chuckle on the way out.
Everyone have a good night at least the mnl is not night walking wandering yet.
A shout out to my cousin Ladee! :)
Good day today - really nice patients at work, and very little interaction with Mom.
Good night, and better tomorrows.
BSO213, being combative is not good! Are there other options for her? As far as her listening, she's never going to listen - stop expecting that! Wish I could offer some hope but in my experience they do the opposite of what you want. With others, mom is a sweet lady. They tell me at rehab that they'll really miss her when she's gone! (I'll bet - like one would miss a migrane maybe) Anyway don't lose your mind. Sounds like you've been at this a while, does your husband help at all? Is he open to putting her into a facility or is that an option!
Just another bit of info: Today I visited mom in the center. She was having her hair fixed preparing for a doc visit. We were already to go but the nurses station forgot to order a cab - we need one that can accommodate a wheelchair! Therefore, we had to reschedule until next Tuesday! Mom was all set to go and had she known this mishap occurred, she'd have been furious! I simple said - doc had an emergency and had to reschedule your visit! It was a lie but hey - one does what one must in these situations! Then she begain with the story (sp) of the aides, how they are so quick in bathing, dressing, putting her on the toliet, taking her off the toilet before she's finished, leaving her on the toilet too long after she's finished, etc. etc. etc. I replied "well that's all the reason to be careful with your leg so that you don't rebrake it and have to come back here". She went off! I got my purse and said - I'll see you later! I had to chuckle all the way to the car - just can't please them no matter what - even when you agree!
Love to everyone!
Here's to a good day n may all your coffee makers work!!
Later ladies..hugs to all
Beck, I also have to be positive during the day, but mine is more like, " if you kill her you will go to jail, think of the consequences.....".... no harm intened with my comment, was just saying some days it just doesn't sink in..... the black cloud has my head covered, so it's hard to see the light...you use being positive, I use humor... it all works....
Golfgirl, don't think it was me that said to make peace, but thanks for the compliment on the profile pic, that's how I feel most days, just simply have had all my feathers pecked off or pulled out.... Think I will use this visual today when M gets on a rant... me standing there just being defeathered.... I promise you if she ever looked in my eyes she's just shut up.... my mouth stays shut but my eyes are talking loud and clear.....
Beck, sorry your day was one of those that never stopped....and the great thing about coming on here and getting it out, we don't have to go to bed with it....just treat all the ugly and exhausting stuff like an ex husband....
Deb, can you get a little camera that hooks on your head that you can allow her to see every move you make????? And ignoring does no good, they only get louder.... how bout setting up a tape recorder that loops "I'm right here" every few seconds....put a picture of yourself by it and see if that works....
Notlike, sorry about the new addition to your family " Auntie M", but there is no way those two are not connected by DNA....And the good part, that makes us cousins.... so see, good comes from bad.... right Beck? Just depends on how many brain cells we have left at the end of the day....
I will be stupid for the next few day, just making the decision to quit at M's has lightened my load....so everytime she says something ugly I'm that much closer to not having to hear it from her anymore... first time I've been able to really breathe in months... will get thru the surgeries with my son, won't quit right now, too stressful, but a plan, ya, uh huh , I have a plan..... love ya'll sending angels....
By the way, love your profile picture! It really says it all!
I had a total of 14 calls from dad today..in between those calls I did their banking, grocery shopping, and rushed over to the house early this morning because, once again, that fabulous Keurig coffee maker wasnt working right, and God forbid, dad doesnt get his 3 cups of coffee by noon..As usual, i discover that my mom has ,again, flooded the damn thing, so i had to teach her how to use it for the 6th time. To top off the day, I had to take dad to get his toe-nails clipped,ugh...and he peed all over himself in the waiting room in front of a packed office. That was an experience! I got him cleaned up and he got thru his appt, but i don't think he really knows what the hell happened today. I then stopped off at their fav. restaurant and picked up their dinner..scallops, shrimp and crab..of which I cannot enjoy because I have a severe shellfish allergy and that just pisses me off even more. Nothing like driving around with the smell of crab in the car and praying that my throat doesnt close up while i'm driving dad home!! I came home, did sm laundry, cooked dinner, and watered my dying plants. I have a miserable headache, my back is killing me, and the arthritis in my hand is so flaired up that i can barely hold on to anything. Havent eaten anything yet today, because i'm jst too exhausted. At this point, i'm praying i make it thru the rest of the evening without an emergency coffee maker breakdown! Anyway...jst thought i'd share..lol
Ladee..If i dont find the positive in my everyday existence..I might as well commit myself, before someone else does.. It's all about making it thru another day..
Stormy..thanks for you understanding and the hugs..back at cha..
Slk..so sry to read about your husband's health..my thoughts and prayers will be with you..hugs
To all you wonderful ladies..goodnite and endless hugs.