This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
And now that I understand Austin, I'll sure give it some thought..... tomorrow when her lips are moving , I'll just picture fly strips in place and doing thier job..... lol....
I have a hat, but have no idea where it is..... lol, it might even be on my head.... lord, is this day over yet????? love ya'll....
Ladee - I've heard that HIPPA started, in part, so caregivers wouldn't talk about patients in the halls and elevators, where family could hear. That's a good thing, but most of the rest of the law is junk, I think. Wow! What a way to set Marie straight! I'm, glad it gave you a nice rest of the day. Could you tape those speeches so I could use them on Mom??? You are a dangerous woman around fly paper. Don't buy any more unless you buy a hat first! :) Hugs.
Austin - thanks for my laugh today, I needed it. I could see Marie with her fly paper "ear muffs."
Brandy-that is an awful situation. The entire deck (mom and sis) is stacked against you. Why not just make her a card and have a short visit? It would save money, and if it's enough for you, so what if it's not enough for her. It doesn't sound like anything would be enough anyway, so why put yourself out just to get stepped on like that? In my DONM newsletter, one of the topics was about if someone is going to be unhappy, why does it always have to be us? If whatever you do won't be right, then skip it and do what makes you feel good. It won't change her, but it will make you feel better. I am going to try it myself this year, so we can compare notes! LOL Mom says she doesn't want anything. We are getting pizza from our favorite local place, so we don't have to cook. But that's it. My sister refuses to buy her anything if she doesn't want it, so I am going to do the same. I won't ever get her the perfect gift, so I am done trying and hurting myself.Think about it....hugs.
Well, I knew it couldn't last. The nice Mom has left the building. They saw deer in the yard today, and she got all mad at Dad because he told me first. And they did some "cleaning" today. Out of all the normal cleaning things that could be done around here, she chose to clean my un-painted, white, kitchen door. With bleach. Oh, I feel so much better! It must have bothered her so much that it had fingerprints and scuff marks on it! It looks so much better now! Gag me.
I told her it was bright and shiny, but I refused to say thank you. I've tried modeling good behavior around her. It doesn't work, so I give up.
Not my best day. Rough at work, then home. I'm glad I checked in on the site and got a chance to laugh. And hopefully post a helpful comment or two.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Then there is going out to eat on moms day. Sister always takes her out and I am not invited. If I want to take Mom out, mom says she would rather go with my sister. We live in a very small village with only one acceptable restaurant. If I see them eating in this rest, sister will not invite me to their table. (it is so hurtful, you just don't know)!! Ditto Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. Please advice me on what to do with this dysf family and my sister. My way is to give her a gift of my choice, even if it is choc and give it on Saturday and not take her out on moms day. SOS
Ladee- I sure am going to need that counseling when he starts school... UGH....
then last night as I am lowering the blind on the window, the new one I had put up got in my hair as I bent over.... I know I pulled hair out by the roots getting that damned thing off my head..... washed my hair and went to bed.... just can't keep a good caregiver down, no matter the circumstances..... love ya'll
Notlike, knowing there are ways around the HIPPA law doesn't even help does it... I don't even know the facts of why that law was passed, but I know it can be a caregivers nightmare....
When I went in yesterday, asked Marie how she was feeling...She got the shot in her hip and had been feeling much better Fri when I left.... she immediatly started whining... oh I don't know..... and I am beyond tired, so I proceded to give her a 10 minute lecture on gratitude, getting old hurts, and put a smile on that face.... Lord, just not in the mood for whining when it is only a means to an end of getting attention.... I told her my back and leg hurts everyday, everyday Marie, and here I am.... so suck it up and have a good day..... I insist on it..... turned around and went to help Sonny get dressed... she was in a good mood the rest of the day.... If I didn't believe there is a special place in Heaven for caregivers I would just walk the hell away.....
love and respect to you all today....hugs across the miles...
Burned-Hold your head up and lay it out for those people. You constantly talk about your family on this site. If that's neglected, they need another definition! Prayers and hugs to you.
Jam-enjoy your break! I, for one, promise not to be good while you are gone :)
Ladee-Wouldn't Washington sing a different tune if we could do that?!? I love the thought of showing them what life is like for so many of us in this country. The other day I got a call from the hospital billing office. It was for my Dad, and she wouldn't talk to me. Said that the billing office didn't have the POA paperwork. Well, it's in his hospital chart and was even signed there! Like I have time to call medical records and have them send a pencil pusher a copy? I have filled out so many OK to Discuss forms, apart from the POA, for insurance, pharmacy, ect, that I really don't want to fill out any more. Whoever wrote the HIPPA law should be responsible for doing this for us! I gave her the house number to call Dad, and she never even called. What BS.
Things are quiet here. Mom's been good, which is almost scary. No doctors to see, either, until mid-May. Maybe they will plant the bean seeds this week.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Loyal- On the situation with the potato salad and the pickles. This is what i would do: I would have someone to make me a gallon of potato salad and i would go to sam's club and buy a gigantic jar of pickles and set both of them in front of your mom and say " Have at it Mom" and let her eat til her heart was content. Maybe that would give you a break for awhile..... Thank you Loyal for the laugh. It's been awhile since i have had one of those. Love and hugs stormyyy
Loyalty, I had no idea that even if you kept making your mom her favorite dish that she would continue to ask for more and forget that she just ate it. My mnl does forget what she ate as well. If nothing else try to look at that at least she loves your cooking and I hope that puts a little smile on your face. ; )
In my quite time this morning I was thinking of all of you as individuals, the load you are carrying, the 'no time outs', and all the things that each of us feel collectivley.... it helps me everyday to know that I am not alone... that at the end of the day, I get to come on here and tell ya'll about my day, good or bad.... that I have a safe place to share... that I can get just get stupid sometimes and it's ok....
One of these days we are going to make arrangements for our charges, and march on Washington.... can't you just see us all, we'd look like that scene from Gone With the Wind at the train station, all the wounded, some of us walking with limps because our backs hurt, some of leaning on each other for a quick nap, some of us saying, "in a minute' over and over again... the collective deep sighs could change the atmospeheric conditions, and cranky, OMG, most of us cranky.... now someone would listen to us, because you aren't going to get that many tired women in a group and some one not hear what we would have to say......WE NEED HELP HERE... we are saving you billions of dollars every year and we are invisible to the masses.... the average person walking down the street has no idea what we do everyday and most of the night....
If we ever decide to have a revolution, it will get someones attention... surely there would be one day that we weren't all tired at the same time... and if we had to we could get our elders to do the talking, can't you see the look on the governments faces having 20 million elders asking what time is it and who's coming to pick us up all at the same time.... yeah, let's bring em with us.... leave em all there for an hour, we'd go get coffee... think there would be some changes then????? Something for us to think about.... love and appreciate what each and every one of you do on a daily and nightly basis..... hugs across the miles.....