This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Welcome Olivia, and another 'ya'll ' poster is always welcome.... keep coming back and posting, God knows nothing shocks us, or makes us cringe.... caregiving is not for sissy's..... But hell think about it ladies and Cmag, what else would we be doing, hmmmm, taking trips and wasting gas and leaving carbon footprints, going to the spa and getting a massage, and then thinking that being that relaxed is how life really is, getting to eat a meal cooked FOR us, dishes done the whole gig, and then we just go home???? B O R I N G........ at least we all are aware of our blood pressure, all the aches and pains our bodies endure during the day, we don't care anymore if we make sense to 'normal' people..... and we are a damned fine bunch..... and on any given day, if we heard we aren't, then to coin a southern phrase, we'd just have to open a can of whoop ass.....
sorry I don't remember the name of the lady that her husband was talking behind her back... that's all he'd see of me, my backside heading out the door... ungrateful turds, this is not your job sweetie, and then to not even be appreciated by your husband, I'd have to give some serious thought to having a new address soon.... let us know how you are doing... we are here for you....
Notlike, oh she'd get potatoes.... I'd get a bag, and every few days bring her in a few.... just as long as she gets the dirt and seed for Dad, I'd play along.... make sure you rub some dirt on the potatoes so she'll think they came from the planters....and liked your idea about the coloring books for son, but there would have to be pictures of big boobed women to keep him interested.....
Am seeing some good insight lately from him, but am not getting my hopes up... time will be the teacher here, have been dissappointed too many times, trust takes time to rebuild...but he is healing very well, so thanks again for all the prayers and love sent our way....
Will get caught up tomorrow, and remember all the new posters.....
Am going to sleep in tomorrow... YEAH RIGHT.... anyway, love ya'll, and keep on keepin on.... hugs and angels...
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BS0213-You are not in a good situation. Blessings to you - do what you need to do. Hugs.
Seeme-You are MIL free? At least for awhile, right? Have a restfull weekend.
Vivian-So what if your neighbor gets mad? I was reading the newsletter today from the Daughters of Narrisistic Mothers group. The topic was about the fact that there are times someone isn't going to be happy - either you or the other person you're dealing with. Why should it be you (or any of us)who is the one always unhappy??? Sometimes, it's better to be the happy one and let the chips fall where they may. You have been too tired to grocery shop, or entertain relatives, but this neighbor thinks you should entertain her every day? Would you do that to her? I didn't think so. So don't let her do it to you! Tell her the truth, or tell her you have a viral infection that's contageous, but make her go away! You need your rest, and some peace and quiet. Hugs.
Well, I managed to accomplish my nap, and playing on the computer. Everything else on the list will have to wait until tomorrow. If I am too old and tired to go out on Friday night and paint the town red, I'll be damned if I'll spend it doing chores! Maybe I'll make some kind of offering to those cleaning fairies so they come back here. :)
Mom didn't feel well this afternoon. She didn't tell me exactly what that meant, so I don't know if it's radiation treatment related or not. Her last one is Monday, thank goodness. SHe also has a brain scan next week and Dad has his cysto. Busy, busy.
No major blowups here lately. I hate to even type that and tempt fate. there have been some minor things that irk me...when I got home from work, they were putting a new cover on the ironing board. Now, I've owned that board for years, and used it very little. I think wrinkles are sexy LOL. And I have encouraged her to use the board because she does iron. But it would have been nice for her to mention it to me. Before I walked in on them changing the cover. I'm being petty, I know, but there's just no sense that she wants to be part of this household. She has almost no interest in doing things together, and rarely speaks to me unless it's to brag about my nieces. I've stopped wishing I had a real Mom living with me, but it still isn't easy.
To top it off, after all the planning and work being done to make the raised garden beds, now she is interested in the idea and wants to plant potatoes. Poatoes will not fit! They have to be planted right in the ground, which is the bending and kneeling we are trying to avoid! And there is only so much room in the beds - even if we didn't plant Dad's beans and tomatoes, there isn't enough room to get a whole crop of potatoes.I might tell her the soil here won't grow potatoes, just so it won't have to be anyone's fault she isn't goign to get what she wants. Argh!
Goodnight, and better tomorrows!
Stormy, do you have something to tell us before you leave tomorrow???
lildeb...like everyone else said, there is nothing you can do. I hate that they are causing you worry. I have a hard headed Irish mil.
Vivian, glad you got the Anti's. Hope you feel better soon. No shame in taking something to help.
Vic...have you noticed any lessesing of the rigidity? Hope the meds help dad soon. And glad hubby is home. Loved the comment about a coloring book for Ladee's son. My mom always got us new colors and coloring book when we were sick.....but that usually meant measles, mumps, or chicken pox.
burned...hang in there, honey. You are not crazy......are you? HAHAHA Things will work out with the phone.
Austin...I'm glad you went to the meeting.....they are lucky to have you.
dchurchill....keep venting here....no where else like it. If you feel really bad, please consider going to the doctor yourself. Never know what can help......
BS0213.....I am angry for you!!!!! It must make you just want to throw in the towel and let her KIDS do the job......see how far they would get without you......makes me soooo mad. Why not just tell them?? Get it off your chest.....she is their problem, not yours......
Hubby is now in Maine with his mom. She fell on the gravel driveway as soon as she got out of the car. Third time in a week. The whole afternoon was one big cluster from the moment the car stopped, but it involved the fall, dead mice smell with no bodies to be found, wet carpet from water leak, angry tenant saying he would NOT be responsible for mil, and the list goes on.........this job is not for the feint of heart, as we all know......
May you all have a wonderful , peaceful evening and weekend........with enough sleep........aaaahhhhhhhhhhh.........later...........
Vivian-it's good you're feeling calmer. Stress eats up alot of energy, though. With what you've been going through it's no wonder you are tired. It sounds like you eat pretty healthly, so trying to get even a bit more rest or breaks might help. Maybe choose an activity or two for the week, and focus on those, not worrying if other things don't get done. Sometimes, just starting something you are planning or looking forward to can give you extra energy. Hugs.
Stormy - Awesome you are feeling better! Yeah nice doctor who gave you meds! Disney's just around the corner now. Have a great time. Hugs.
dchurch-if your friends are tired of hearing about your Mom, then they aren';t the friends you need right now. Unless they still welcome you for when you can get away from your daily life. I don't even worry about my friends burning out - this is my reality now, and they can come along for the ride or not. Don't underestimate how much your friends care, and don't deny who you are and what you are going through to please someone else. Hugs.
Jam - too funny! Hugs.
Ladee- always thinking of you. Maybe your son would like to work on puzzles - a metaphor for his life right now. :) My doorstep is always open. Hugs.
I have all kinds of things I'd like to do tonght. I plan to start with a nap.
Stormy I am glad to hear that you are feeling better, Ladee, glad to hear that Marie is being good.. I hope maybe she keeps it up, even after the son is up and moving. If you need a doorstep close by, you know where mine is.
I want to be able to go talk with someone neutral and possibly find a way deal with all of the emotions and health issues that arise from being in this situation. I have no insurance and very limited funds. I live in Northern California.Hoping someone on this site can shed some light on any resources they might have found useful. I don't want to vent to any of them anymore. Any suggestions would be appreciated.