This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Wow you have been busy posting girls!!!!!! Hopefully I can keep up with everyone....trying to read. I was working in the col's house yesterday and lost track of what was going on here.
Good to read from you ladee.....and enjoyed talking with you last night. Hopefully working today will take your mind off son for just a wee, tiny bit. Maybe being reminded of how much you have neglected Marie the last few days will help...lol.
seeme........I heard a noise coming from your direction....just thought it was thunder...lol. You would think with having to spend out less money your mil would be interested in possibly moving. I want to be the negotiator when you and ASG start your col hand-off! Don't you hate it that a lot of the elderly are under the impression that a POA is simply a piece of paper designed to strip them of all independence? I hope the rest of us who know what it is really for are able to remember that when our time comes.
ASG.....the next time Aunt starts complaining hand her a pair of scissors and tell her to start cutting the weeds! You get a nice tall glass of something to drink and go sit while she cuts....if she tries to get up you can take the scissors away....but she'll have a nice view then and can't complain about the weeds....on second thought...:)
Kim....welcome to our family and hope you feel some comfort and support here. I know that constant noise level can get on your nerves real fast. Maybe Dad's doctor needs to reevaluate his meds......when the col was on Ativan she was just nuts....made her aggressive. Are you taking anything for your own anxiety? Sometimes we have to do that to get through these difficult times of care giving. Anyone that can come in and give you a hand so you can get away? That is so important and especially when there are children involved.
Rachel....hello and welcome. Give your anti-depressant time to kick in. We all want some instant results because we are so tired of being tired and stretched thin and when we finally are able to get some help for ourselves we have to find a place in the busy schedule for that. Come back and visit, you will find a lot of support here.
ede......48%? Oh, my goodness! Is Dad on a cannula or mask? Did hospice tell you not to move his O2 higher than 3L? Since you were feeling so well pre-Dad it sounds like a simple fix for the anxiety symptoms. Whatever you can do now to help yourself is what is important.
Vic....sounds like you are needing a break.....bless your heart, and I mean that in a good way!
burned....hang in there, you are doing a great job and yes, it seems like you are on an island all by yourself when you don't have immediate support to turn to. I hope your bff will follow through and lend a hand when she gets there...hugs!
notlike.....you amaze me everyday! To consider your sister's healing is such a loving thing to do......
starri.....I don't get to sing "On the Road Again"......at least for a few days. Glad you get to not move and tell those babies to move away from the cows...........
Ro....are you working? How's mom? Haven't heard from you!!!!!!!!
stormy....you're very quiet....what's up with you?
Hope everyone has a good day filled with at least a little peace........
Happy Trails,
Jam
Not sure but think that I am happier than you that they are taking his license, but the only problem there is will he realize that with him losing his license that he isn't suppose to be behind the wheel? Hopefully he will, for your peace of mind if for nothing else.. Will talk with you later today, was wonderful hearing your voice.
Kim welcome to the site, you've found a great place to come and talk to others that totally understand where you are. No running into tree's, ASG already has backed into one.. lol, have you thought about placement in a care facility that is use to dealing with issues like his? For your sanity and the kids, it might be the right way to go.
ASG, Seeme, Lord you two had me cracking up this morning, kinda surprised the owner of the Park didn't come by and tell me to quit laughing so loud.. I loved the aspirin Seeme. Glenn and I have a agreement that if I am being a serious B**** and it isn't called for, then he shakes a bottle of aspirin at me, I do the same for him..lol..
Did get to hear from Ladee this morning... she told me that I was in TX and should have had my butt up earlier..lol, was up at my normal 4 to 5 am, but made myself go back to sleep and my phone was in the truck..lol.. so will get to meet her this afternoon.
In the middle of all the chaos with my son, I get a call from Marie.... not to see how my son is or how I am doing, but wondering if I was coming to work.....!!!!!!! Not even going into the thoughts I was having.. ASG, there's not a pillow big enough to cover this one.....UH NO MARIE, I'll be back as soon as I can, I'm staying with my son for right now.... To make a long story short, talked to her daughter last night to say I would be at work today for awhile.....then go pick up son... she was mortified that her mother had called... oh well, such is life.... sometimes when we get this exhausted it can be a good thing, just don't have the energy to get mad or get indignant.....
I will be working because I am dead broke, not because Marie needs me.... I have my OWN priorites that have nothing to do with that poor selfish old lady....people make me so tired sometimes....
Hopefully over the weekend I can get caught up on here.... and see who has maintained and who is moving toward the edge, or in ASG and Seeme's case, doing some carpooling arranging.....If we didn't laugh, we'd be crying all the time...
And for environmentaly conscious folks, I do have on clean 'drawws'.....
So onward thru the fog, hope Marie is a 'good girl' today, and can't wait to see Sonny... That man is my blessing and would not miss being his caregiver for anything..... I missed him and my cat (Diva, for the new folks) oh and have to tell ya'll this, my neighbor came over to feed her while I was gone... I tell everyone Diva is not a nice cat.... she is MY cat and doesn't tolerate others very well, don't touch her, she will get aggresive... but noooooo, neighbor tried to pet her and Diva bit her !!!!! Not bad, but enough for my neighbor to say she really didn't care if the cat ate or not while I was gone..... sorry, the best laugh I had had in days......
So love an prayers for the newbies on YOU, come back and get all the love, for my friends of a million years, hope things are managable for you today.... as i said I will try to get caught up on the weekend....
Oh and Seeme, while I hated to see my son in such distress and fighting everyone, I did stand in the corner and did not try to calm him down.... it wouldn't have worked anyway.... but those two nurses were wore out when they finally got him calmed down.... I just stood there with the look of "I tried to tell you" on my face, but hell, I'm his mother, what do I know..... uh huh!!!
So, will take a deep breath, make time for prayer and guidance today, and do what needs to be done..... Starri says I am stubborn, wait until she meets my son.... LOL, it will be up to him, not me, if she gets to help..... would be nice, but she has no idea what she is volunteering for.....
Later, love ya'll and prayers for each of you today and your situations, I always have room for loving others..... hugs and angels....
Seeme..so sorry about your mil. Pray you guys find a place for her soon.
Kim.. Double up on the Ativan or add tylenol pm or melatonin. I do the same for dad although I do get him up during the day. He doesn't cry or holler although we have other problems. Come back as often as you can to vent..
Rachel..we are here for you ..so sorry you are having such a hard time.
Notlike..Hope you get some answers for dads leg.
Ladee Lou..so glad to hear from you..you are in our prayers hope you were able to get a good night of rest. Love and prayers.
Burned.. Honey yu amaze me and we are here for you
I pray for all of us to have a sense of humor and the best day possible.
I'm taking Dad to the doctor tomorrow for his leg. It's not as large of a red area, but there is still a red bump that worries me. We'll see what the doctor says.
I had a good talk with my sister yesterday. For privacy's sake, I was sitting in my car in a parking lot. It's either that or the laundry room, which does not get good cell reception. I think she is starting to heal from living with Mom for so long. I'm so glad for her and the girls. Whatever having Mom here costs me, it is worth it just knowing sis is free of her.
Ladee-if you get a chance to read updates, know we are thinking of you and praying alot.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Ladee, good to hear from you today. Guess you proved them wrong about the alcohol withdrawal. Didn't you feel kinda good about all the crap he did considering they didn't LISTEN to you??? I would have been smiling in the background.......maybe even egging him on.
I've had a good productive day. Took mil to an ALF and she did the tour and asked pertinent questions. She would end up paying less than she takes in every month, plus she has backup money. Sounds good, doesn't it? As soon as we got out of the car, she complained that all the other residents were in wheelchairs or walkers......(like SHE needs to be!!)....and she didn't like those residents cause they weren't like the people in Maine. I reminded her how she moved around the world shen fil was in the AF and made friends everywhere she went and she could do the same here, but she didn't WANT to. Then she asked me why I didn't want to go to Maine to take the other carload of crap she thinks she has to have in Maine............and I told her I didn't WANT to...........my bad!!!! Someone better slap me till the lexapro kicks in before I lose it................
She also refuses to sign a medical power of attorney over to hubby......the only one who cares enough at this point......so that is a relief to me. When I told her while we are trying to do things out of concern for her safety and well-being, she is taking it as a control issue. She agreed, and she will never give anyone a Medical POA. Well, done with that!!!! All in all a pretty productive day!!! Can you see the sarcasm dripping from my mouth????? Better go get a kleenex..................
Son is in a alot of pain, as Jam relayed to ya'll, crused his left leg really bad, plates, pins and screws.... broken ribs, fractured shoulder blade. and found out with the MRI that L5 is broken... it's a miracle he is alive... rolled the company truck, from having a seizure, landed in a deep ditch with water in it... they had to cut the top off the truck to get him out.... 4 hours of surgery to fix his leg....
Found out today Texas Hiway Patrol is taking his drivers's liscense... THANK GOD... he was honet with the Dr. about his drinking and seizures, but they would not listen to me about him possibly having alchohol withdrawals..... ummm, they found out last night.... took his back brace off, threw it across the room, threw water on a nurse and spit on her....Tried to take his leg brace and bandages off, a nice little shot stopped all that craziness.... so they are starting detox protocol with him today... hope it's not too late, as it has been three days... he wasn't much calmer today, so decided to come home and sleep in my bed tonight....
Thank you all for the love, support and prayers for Son and I... I don't even remember driving to Bryan... God was driving, at that point all I knew was he had been in a serious wreck , no more info.... but he is alive, if in pain, did not hurt or kill anyone else, Thank God, and we can only pray this is his wake up call....
Didn't read or get caught up, just wanted to update everyone... thought of all of you in the quite moments.... will read later and tell everyone Hi... love hugs and angels...
why can't those last little stubborn ones go? The mean cells, the cells that make her angry, and the ones that make her speak. Seemer, I got an idea, how bout you go on ahead and give mil the keys to the car, let her take her little doggie, give her directions to my house and have her pick up her new friend I will in turn give her directions to anywhere but here:)
Anybody out there need a mil????
Starri, I got on Lexapro because I used to 'ping' a lot. As it took over, I was at least able to control my mouth.....I've been known to get out of bed in the middle of the night and go outside until the sweat freezes. Lexy doesn't help with that.
I was very tired when I finally went to bed last night. Hubby had his cancer scraped off his arm and it was still numb when he went to bed. He woke me up during the night to tell me to roll over as I was snoring and talking in my sleep. I thought his arm hurt, so I told him to take an aspirin. He kept at me about how that didn't make any sense to him, so evidently I told him it would help his aches and pains when I beat the shit out of him. Pretty good answer for being sound asleep!!!!
Praying everything goes well for Ladee and son. Love you, Ladee. And thanks for the updates, Jam. Thinking about all of you today......and wishing YOU were all going out to lunch with hubby and mil instead of me. I'll buy!!!!!!!!
How are you? I can't say that I've adjusted, just got a little better and less of a cry baby.
update... long night, alchohol detox on top of everything else, combative, aggressive, ect.... hopefully today they will give us an idea when he can go home... leg is very bad, going to be a long road for him... also put him in a back brace yesterday, L5 broken..... so will let ya'll know more as i know it... think I am goig home today, tend to things at my house and then come back... I am going to be in a serioud bind missing all this work... so prayers for understanding landlady and and gas money from above... lol.... thanks everyone, I know we are not alone.... more later when I have time....
UPDATE: Ladee was able to get on the hospital supplied computer last night....besides the other injuries they found fractured ribs and scapula. That boy took a ride! Haven't talked with her yet today but hoping she got some sleep last night. It will be a long road to recovery for him.
Vic.....sorry to hear Dad is not responding to treatment quickly. The older we get the slower everything is for us. I know you are enjoying every minute you can with him and you're an amazing daughter.....
notlike....glad no problems with radiation and sending prayers that Mom will get through without any and that she will throw some kind words your way.
ede......please go see your doctor if you haven't already. Have you considered placing Dad in a skilled care facility? That wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing and is a way to save your sanity and make sure he is taken care of and not at your expense.
I have noticed recently that the media is starting to wake up and take a look at what I've been saying all along and what prompted me to start the thread......the care giver needs to cut to the front of the line!!!!!!!! Without the care giver there isn't anything else....and if the care giver is not healthy mentally and physically then how can they be expected to take care of someone else? Everyone needs to take the time for themselves each and every week and not just a couple of hours....a full 24 hours if that's all you can squeeze out. If there is no family close or willing to help, then call your local EMS....I can guarantee you there would be an EMT or medic who would love to supplement their income with a little extra cash......and you just might find yourself a permanent helper in times of need.
Update on the col........she just gets more and more confused everyday, but she's in a "happy place".....yesterday she went shopping with her husband (he passed in 1997) and she misses him so much....bought him something but couldn't tell us what. She is now also well enough to come home she says.....the Seroquel makes it so easy to redirect her.
Happy Trails!
Jam
I know if I wasn't on them already, I would have had to have been. My nerves got to the point that I could not enter my Mom's house at times without having to head straight to the bathroom and throw up. Stick around, it helps to have someone to talk too, that truly understands.
Jam, let us know about Ladee as you can, We ought to be pulling in this afternoon. I'll try and reach her when we get there and let her know, I am there for anything I can do for her.
Big Hugs and Peaceful days for all.