This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Ftarsley, Ladee is right, a glass or two of wine helps to relax you, heck, even if it just just sparkling grape juice in a champagne glass will help. the sheer act of doing something for yourself works wonders, like the other ladies here that can, I get outside in the mornings and enjoy my coffee, haven't been doing much of that during our stays at family's, but that is fixing to end as we are hitting the road again.
Ladee, tell those flowers they have to hang around till I get there, I'll buy a thermos, we can bring coffee and just go out and sit in the middle of those flowers. Chair or no chair, just don't watch me trying to get up off the ground, it isn't a pretty sight.
Watching hubby sleep (can't help it, we're in a RV) and wondering which one of us is going to be the first to require care giving.. going to be him if he doesn't start listening to me when it comes to his health. : o ) ear infections tend to go away faster if you don't wait a frigging month to go to the doctors about them.
BSO, when do you find out about the gallstones? they've come a long way in the surgery for them. But you still have to be very careful. No lifting etc.. Hope that all are having wonderful spring days and getting to be out in the sunshine for a little while.
Sinus problems are driving me nuts. I hope everyone has a good day.......and that those on the edge of burnout get some time away..........please check into it.
lildeb....your mother-in-law sounds so much like mine so I can greatly sympathize with what you are going through. When the col was still living here in her own home, we built her a small house attached to our house, she could still do a few things on her own but she was getting worse each day. Left on her own she would never bathe and would fix a Banquet frozen dinner for every meal...she remembered her morning meds because she knew she needed Nexium but wouldn't take her evening meds at all. Before I took over doing most everything for her, she wore the same diaper for 10 days, so no bath, can you imagine the smell? That was my first clue that something wasn't right. So the Alzheimer's is going to get worse....whether it's mild, moderate, or severe there are going to be different things to deal with every day. And as for holding conversations...well you will swear that your mil is only pretending to have Alzheimer's because of the normal conversations she will have. There will come a point where she is confused about the steps in bathing, feeding herself, dressing herself and you will need to step in. Remember that most son's are not comfortable doing those things for their mommas. That was what I dealt with here. Even though hubby/son is a physician there were certain boundaries he would not cross with his momma. We hired 2 women to come in 5 days a week from 10am to 4pm....I didn't do a bit of care giving during those times....but I still had that task in the evenings and every weekend and it was hard on me physically and mentally. I strongly suggest you get some help and get away from home when at all possible. The cost of help comes right out of mil's bank account. You don't have to pay for it. It is not possible to be a care giver and not have it impact you in some way and now is the time to make some changes to the routine...it will be easier on all of you.....remember that without you there is no care giving....save yourself first then you will be able to "save" everyone else. Hugs to you!
Swim ladee AKA Benny!!!!!!!! I know the feeling.....I'm beginning to quack like a duck.....weather radar looks like we might get a little more of the rain later today...looks like it's moving out of your area.
stormy....Dad's vitals sound good for his condition. The nurse has been in her job too long if she is that comfortable with her reaction.....or not long enough if she hasn't learned to hide her reaction. You might want to keep in mind that it's usually not normal to have blood coming from body openings, would bear having it checked out.
Hope everyone has a wonderful, DRY day.........hugs to all!
Happy Trails,
Jam
Lildeb ...you have to get some you time ..even if it is only a few hours a week. Your mil should qualify for help through your area on aging ..is there and adult day care anywhere near? My husband stays with my parents so I can get some away time..it sucks cause we aren't together but sometimes it is the only way to get such much needed away time.
Hope you all have a day, if not a good one...
And Seeme, I'll be waiting for the rumbles... hugs to everyone..
a
We got 3 1/2 inches of rain in three hours this morning...had to detour to work from water over some of the roads... nothing bad that I've heard about, a small tornado in Medina, but a lot of lightning and thunder.... sun is out now, and it's going to be a pretty weekend, I have to move my stuff from BG's so thank goodness it will not be raining...
I forgot to tell ya'll I got to meet Marie's sister yesterday,,, I am telling you, one of them is adopted because if there were ever two people nothing alike.... and sis is in a lot worse shape than Marie, walks with a cane, and has an awesome attitude....If I could pack up Sonny and move in with Mamie (don't you love that name!) I would be in hog heaven...Her husband is 95 , has skin cancer, and is an absolute joy....If I live to a ripe old age I want to be just like them....
I was thinking today that if I am blessed to have a caregiver and not have to be warehoused in a NH, these are some things I hope I can do, if I am in my right mind...
I will appreciate who takes care of me, and I will TELL them this, I will work very hard to not take my illnesses and old age out on them, I will aplogize if I do...I will be so grateful that someone is cooking for me and scrubbing my toilet, and I will tell them this... I will not expect them to keep moving the whole time they are there, I will ask them so set down and tell me about themselves... I want to know about who is taking care of me.... and the list goes on... I know each of you may have thought about when we need care, how are we going to be different than the ones we care for now???? Just a thank you once in awhile would go a long way....a surprise day off would be so nice, with pay, or I would have made arrangements for someone else to come in for a few hours... If I am in pain, I will take my meds like I am supposed to and drink nasty prune juice so I am not bitching about being constipated...I will not nit pick the small stuff, and when I do need something done, I will try to remember how Marie is so harsh and unforgiving, and try to be just the opposite.... All of this depending on if I am still in my right mind.... by then we should have a sight for elders bitching about their caregivers..... lol... hope ya'll had a good day, more later...
Ladee..so glad you are letting things roll and being yourself I know you feel better at the end of the day. Hope everyone had a decent night.
Love and prayers..
Cmag-how is your wife doing? I haven't been on the other thread in awhile. Hope all is well.
Ladee-be careful in the bad weather. Hooray for your attitude today with Marie! Much better way to spend the day. And my stand with Mom just keeps getting bigger...thanks to all of the support here.
I was so nervous about dinner yesterday, especially after the way Mom acted at Thanksgiving. She did put on her "good person" face and interacted with people. That helped. I ignored the snide comments on the way there and back. And when one of my SIL used a very descriptive word for a male-only body part, I just left the room! Figured it was better than getting glared at. I haven't heard any complaints yet from her, but dinner was just yesterday....
Dad's new C-pap is so small! I thought it would be alot bigger. Looks like it's pretty easy to run, too.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
ladee, true I didn't analyze and paralyze my venting :) When I first got on this site, I do remember a few times back around 2 years ago that on some threads I really jumped in there with both feet. I get so triggered by dominating, narcissistic, abusive mothers who treat their adult sons and daughters like little kids and could care less if it damages their marriage, plus blind them with F.O.G fear, obligation and guilt to keep them from seeing what is really going on. True, the anger over some things never completely goes away and neither do the flashbacks, but I think that I'm more in control of that anger now via therapy than I was before.
There are things that trigger me too, hearing about a child being abused, and to this day, the rage is there...If I was on a sight about child abuse, I'd vent...
Wonder, hope some answers have helped you today... all of us pretty much said the same thing... take care of you.... it's not easy after a life time of 'pleasing' others, but it can be done... even Notlike has made a little stand with her mom.... and as I said, we are works in progress, we are better, but we haven't arrived anywhere, still plugging along and learning from each other....
I walked into work today, first words out of Marie's mouth, and I'm going to do it in caps because she was not saying it softly, " THERE IS A PAN ON THE COUNTER, DO NOT USE IT UNTIL YOU SCRUB ALL THAT GREASE OFF OF IT, SO MUCH GREASE ON THERE IT WILL START A FIRE!!!!" As ASG would say, 'blink blink, ya think'.... I hadn't even put my purse down, so in my best Texas drawl, I said, ' Draaammmmaaaa Maaaammmmaaammmaaa" ie Drama Mama....
then she did the 'blink blink'... then I said, "good morning to you too Marie".... went on about my business.....even a few short weeks ago that would have sent me into a tailspin... stuffing feelings all day, being angry and hurt, but when I talked with her recently, told her then, I was going to start coming back with something... I use humor, for me, she's not a very happy camper so that is what diffuses it for me.... of course she was grumpy all day, what else is new.... I didn't feel good with my cold, so just stayed in the 'zone' and did my work.. but two things that happened and I don't consider myself passive aggressive, but I have to wonder...
I was getting ready to go out and smoke, lit the smoke in the HOUSE !!!!! I was pumping my fat ass out that front door!!!! She never said anything, so she must not have smelled it or I never would have heard the last of it... and then, I look at the clock and start fixing lunch... alrighty, making good time, noon sharp... look at the clock again and it was only 11, !!!!!! Bwhahahahahaha, and this is after she had told me NOT to cook the noodles until I was ready to put in on the table...I didn't even tell her, just heated everything up, no complaints for lunch... so I am sure I am going to get some feedback from this from ya'll, that's what happens when you are hired as a caregiver and your mind turns to mush from being a housekeeper and verbal bullet dodger.....
conclusion, Marie is feet made of clay just like me, she chooses her ways of doing and saying things, and now so do I... so taking my power back, little peices at a time.... hope everyone had a good day. Everyone that had Dr''s appt.s let us know how things went....
Bad weather coming this evening, so may not be on the computer when it hits.... but love ya'll and just keep comin' back.... headin' toward the future...
Starri-safe travels when you do pull out!
Jane-the decline is one of the hardest things to watch. And it makes us have to re-evaluate and find new solutions for new problems. Hugs.
Stormy - 2 years, now. Hugs and blessings.
Jam-most everyone seems to like spring or summer, but I love fall. The cool, crisp nights, the colors, and knowing it will be time to hibernate soon! (There's a reason I collect teddy bears)
ASG2-sounds like your Aunt is having almost like night terrors. At least she is able to get back to sleep.
Vic-Sounds like you had a wonderful day of rest! Good for you. Good for hubby, too for helping. Let us know what Dad's blood tests show.
Ladee-Maybe if you gave the fire ants some drugs from the neighbors, they would mellow out and not bite. LOL
Wondering - Decide right now that you will survive this! You can, and you can make it better for yourself. There are wonderful people here on this site to help. You are not alone. It's not easy, and it can be a thankless job. Don't be afraid to vent. Many of us have been where you are now. Hugs.
Cmag-It can be so hard looking back. But the past is past. You are not the same person now that you were, and you've learned alot, especially about yourself. Your insights help the rest of us here, so as awful as it was, there is some good and a reason you went through what you did. Hugs.
We get Dad's C-Pap machine later today. Then All Quiet until Mom's radiation starts next week. Everybody, incluing M&D, went to lunch at my in-laws yesterday. Ah, the stories I could tell...
Smiling and having a good day. Hope you all are too.
Sitting here drinking my morning coffee and waiting for the rain to move in....4 days of rain.....my pond will love it...I, on the other hand, am not looking forward to carrying the blind doggie outside to potty....it's a good thing she is old enough that she sleeps 20+ hours a day.
Wondering.....I understand and can sympathize with what you and your husband are experiencing.....my mil was getting to that point before we placed her in the NH....before dementia she was the sweetest thing and still had her moments, but she was getting more and more verbally nasty. One thing that people sometimes don't stop and think about is that there is no unwritten "rule" that says you have to care for someone in your home. Especially when that care is impacting all other relationships, like marriage. We tend to not want to "upset" them, so we take their abuse, it starts to creep into every part of our daily life, making us resentful of them, resentful of the person who put us in that situation and things just start to go downhill from there. Soon the dementia is going to overtake your mil to the point where she won't remember when or who she is angry with...but you will still feel the hurt and the sting from the words. You have some different options and there will be some different opinions offered to you here to help you through this.....I am an advocate for placing a loved one in a NH when necessary.....I took care of my mil for almost 2 years and she was becoming more and more too much to handle even with help coming in. Now she has the best of care 24/7.....three meals a day, snacks all day, bathed twice a week, meds given, PT when needed, and all I have to do is visit with her. The one thing I noticed quickly was that I started to enjoy her company again.....it's amazing how much better it was knowing that I didn't have to walk around smelling like poop or listening to her tell me what a good driver she was....:). Bottom line is that you don't have to take abuse from anyone, especially in your own home. A simple "no" is very empowering....come back and visit with us, we'll leave the lights on..........
It's the start of a new week and I hope a good week for everyone.....my thoughts and prayers are with all of you as you go about your care giving..........
Happy Trails,
Jam