This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
When I had the talk with Marie last week, told her I wasn't walking on egg shells anymore... she has actually been human, until lunch today, did her hateful critical voice about it... I just looked at her and said, " why don't you ground me and not let me cook for a week, that'll teach me"... of course she didn't think it was funny but Sonny and I did...no way was I going to apologize for the lunch when she had me doing three things at once... one meal out of a hundred isnt bad....excuse me, I just figured up how many meals I have cooked since being there at least 540, so f^^king what.... just felt good to not be upset....
I am sorry that she takes it out on you, and your dad is a big boy, he can handle himself with her.... you didn't do anything wrong, and I'm sorry you didn't get to have the day you thought it was going to be.... you are loved, you are a great daughter, and you are not alone.... hugs to you...
More later, laying this aching back down for a little while... love ya'll
Reading everyone's posts this morning and just amazed at the strong women here.....I thought I had it bad with the col and her eye rolling, playing in poop and insisting she could drive just fine............
janet since you are the main care giver for your mom, have arrangements been made for POA or other means to manage your mom's affairs when she can't? Try to make some time for yourself....it doesn't have to be anything more than walk outside and read....but get away from Mom! It's frustrating how they can act like an itch that starts where you can't reach it...and the itching just gets worse and worse.
notlike.....don't you just want to reach up and pinch them when they start that eye-rolling? The col started that with me....the first time Target saw it....ooh he wasn't happy. Is your mom's behavior toward you caused by her illness or does she just have a mean streak? Give hubby a hug for suggesting delivery.....hope today is better for you.
burned....hope the birthday celebration was a success!
ladee...when you and janet take off for the streets find me a cart too.....I want to go, but we have to make sure we have a warm climate....I don't do cold weather anymore...lol....and we'll need a separate cart for all the rocks we'll be picking up along the way.
Vic...glad to hear Dad's iron level is good.....maybe he will feel better not having to go to the doctor so often and I know it will help you. I usually start to get restless this time of year also....wanting to get out but knowing it's just not quite warm enough to do anything yet. Could you and hubby maybe take a couple of days and get away?
Going to go pick up my new eyes today and Target wants to have lunch and go snoop around the new casino in the area.....hope everyone has a pleasant day and please try to take a few moments for yourself!
Happy Trails,
Jam
Janet-thank you for sharing. You sound like an amazing woman.
Vic-Glad Dad is doing better. Hope you get some decent sleep. Hugs.
LD-if you're free tomorrow, wanna mop at my house??? LOL Sounds like a good day. And you're right, I bet she really did enjoy getting out and walking around.
Ladee-I wish I would have read your post this morning, maybe I would have looked harder for something to salvage this awful day.
Mom started again first thing this morning, demanding to see the FB post. I said NO. That was cool, maybe that was the good thing. Told her to drop it, it was over and wasn't about her anyway. That set the tone for the day at the hospital...walking away from me so fast the nurse didn't even know I was with her, snide/short comments, no conversation. Ended with me asking her if I'd done something to upset her. It was a real question...I would have fixed whatever I could. Her very nasty, dramatic, while rolling her eyes (I wish you all could have heard it, but most of you will know what I mean) reply was "I love you very much." How awful that a person could take those words and make them into something so hurtfull! Dad took me home then. It wasn't worth staying just making her madder. And it killed time for him, instead of just sitting there. He said it was a very long ride home with her. So he's in the doghouse too.
It should have been a happy day being the last chemo. But she wouldn't let it be. I took the day off work to be with her. And the IV broke, so she didn't get the whole treatment anyway. She starts radiation in 3 weeks. More fun to come.
Thanks for letting me vent. I was looking forward to a good day, but it wasn't meant to be. Hubby did suggest ordering delivery for dinner after he heard my story, so that was 2 good things. What a wasted day, almost.
Good night, and better tomorrows.
And maybe living in the 'streets' of the big city wil be very liberating... you'll have your own shopping cart, have your own cardboard box, your own 12 layer of clothes, you can mumble and laugh hystericaly if someone tries to bother you, and you may just have some peace of mind...And just think of all the interesting people you will meet... I may just join you... At least we will be free. hugs to you lady and thank you for sharing.. don't cry too long, it makes your eyes red and puffy..
BTW, when I read posts about narcissistic care recipients, does it sound like anybody in my story fits into that category?
I have been a lazy bug this morning, heck, the morning is almost gone.......I hope everyone has a very good day. Don't work too hard.......I am sending evles to help with the work and angels to lighten the load. For all of you having a busy week, I hope you can check in when you can.........hugs
I think there is a button here that is pushed randomly to see when a post will just go POOF!!!!!! Which mine just did.....and it's too darn early to remember what I wrote....so just want to say that I have read everyone's posts.....I'm thinking of EACH of you today.....sending hugs and love to all.....Birthday wishes to little angels....razzberries to siblings and Aunts........bippity-bobbity-boo to stormy......Charmin, 409 and butt wipes to seeme.......sunny skies and no rain......and lots of Parmesan!!!!!!!
Happy Trails today!
Jam
Stormy-Good for you! Disney it is! It's so nice to have something to look forward to, eh?
Cmag-have a good day tomorrow and get things off your chest. Blessing to your wife and you.
Burned-Happy Birthday to your daughter. Take a deep breath...make party hats by decorating old newspaper, string Christmas lights in her bedroom, decorate a chair with scarves and let it be the Birthday Throne. Happy doesn't have to mean expensive. Hugs.
Anne and Cindy-Hugs to you both.
Well, what a night. I put up new knick knacs, cut Mom's hair, listened and made conversation like a good daughter, and then got yelled at. I posted a joke on FB, my Aunt told my Mom, and Mom took offense. How am I? Tired after working all day, tired from nighttime chores, not looking forward to it being chemo week, and I'm angry at being treated like a teenager. Just another day...
Good night and better tomorrows. Lord knows I could use some.
I can totally relate to your story and your resentment. My mom has "early" dementia(hate to see advanced!!) and I too, am the only one doing anything to help her. My sister is so set on putting her in an Assisted Living Facility and yet she has only seen mom 1 time since before Christmas! Mom has been at my place since then and I really do need a break! I let her stay home over night Saturday and picked her up after work Sunday afternoon and she loved it!! Do I think she's ready to be alone, I don't know, but I know she has been seen by caseworkers, nurses and physical therapists and they say she should be ok. I just need to make sure she stays hydrated and that is my only huge concern. I resent it terribly when my sister questions my judgement and decisions and yet she has done nothing! I'll be 58 next month and know exactly how you feel. She does still dress herself, cook (microwave), do laundry and misses her kitty so much, so I decided to let her spend the night and be happy with her kitty. I'm ready for a break and tired of walking on eggshells. I also resent her not getting angry with my sister, but it takes nothing for her to get angry with me!
However, I'm resentful as hell because my sister does nothing. If she calls a couple times per week, we should be grateful. Hence, my father has no living friends, doesn't drive, all relatives his age are dead and I am his sole source of support/friendship/companionship. I am 59 and I feel that my life is over.
Jam glad to hear about col! Has to take a load off your minds knowing she is doing better.
Stormy so glad you guys set dates to go on vacation..knowing when you are going will help you as you anticipate! Woohoo! Glad dad had a good time and got to fly kite! It is the little things that really make a difference.
Oooohhhh Seeme!!!!! I laughed and felt bad and laughed again! Thanks for sharing! I would have slapped my husband and killed him with looks too! Probably made him clean up the mess! Is he still paying for it! Hahahaha serves him right! And you mil really doesn't know how good she has it! I pray you guys help her get into a good place soon.
Poor dad had a dr. Appt. today at urologist for check up..all is well..but he told the doc that he could walk but I won't let him. Just had to say it is safer if you don't... Poor guy..he can hardly get up much less walk...l oh well he is in good spirits. Tomorrow he has appointmet with the hematologist. the procrit shot are helping his blood..I have noticed his arms aren't very bruised. Will talk to him about his rigid body and some other symptoms. .... Maybe dementia setting in...
Welcome janet......oh my goodness what a care giving life you have had! Well you have found just the place to lay your head and here you will find all the support that you need and maybe sometimes more than you want....that's because everyone here has such big hearts and are more than willing to share. We love to hear animal stories....what kind of dogs do you have? I have 4....a poodle who will be 16 in May....blind from cataracts, deaf in one ear and can't hear out of the other and has to be carried outside every time she wakes up....it wouldn't be so bad except our house is a reverse 1 1/2 story so it's stairs, stairs, and more stairs......a 9 y/o chihuahua.....a 7 y/o chi/Jack Russell......yes her momma had a midnight visitor......and when we put my mil in a NH we took her dog....a 12 y/o Yorkie booboo......he is around 16lbs and doesn't look like a typical Yorkie. Oh and there is a stray cat that showed up here a couple of months ago....he/she/it likes to catch mice at the edge of the pond. I haven't seen it for several days...the last time it had come up on the deck and was hiding under the grill cover....scared the crap out of the dogs when they ran out and there it sat....and yes between the mice and the neighbors it is being well-fed.
seeme......thought I was over laughing at you but apparently not......love ya girl!
stormy......at least now everyone knows that you are taking a vacation. The only schedule to be concerned with is hubby's.....have him look and see what is convenient for him......for you....are you are birth control? If so, don't stop taking them for the 7 days you would normally...just continue them....your problem is solved.
It appears that the Seroquel is working for the col......her nurse yesterday says she is so much more settled these days.....she only tried the "take me home" once and was redirected. Target changed her ears and then sat with her during one of the "portable" church services. I stayed home and mopped floors.....such is life.......
Hugs to all of our angels today...........hope it's a good day for all of you!
Happy Trails,
Jam
My mother died in Sept 2011, but we are currently in the process of trying to do something with my mil. She may end up coming here, or we will try to care for her long distance. She has not come face to face with her lack of independence. I was forced to quit work in 2007, and my mom gave us money for her care......it would have been easy to take advantage of that since she didn't remember when she did pay me, but she trusted me completely. I was lucky to have had her here. Will wait to see if mil will trust me.
Sue, lildeb, welcome.........I read so fast to catch up that I hope I didn't forget anyone. We haven't been crazy lately, but the time is coming. I feel the need to share my experiences last weekend when I was in SC checking on mil........oh, hell, why not. Let me give you all a good laugh.
My mom made me pretty much a poop queen before she died. She had a fistula, a tunnel between her bowels and the top of her vagina, so liquid stool drained all the time and keeping her clean was an all day affair. Got to where she couldn't even wipe herself, so this is a priceless story.
Last weekend hubby and I left on Friday to go to South Carolina to check up on his mom who is staying with one of his brothers. She has been having a lot of confusion due to mixing up her drugs or combining them with OTC meds. We arrived there after a 5 hr drive through torrential rains. Found out later that we were on the outskirts of a tornado that touched down about 15 min before we passed through the area in the county where my bil lives. We get to the house just fine to find mil safe and sound and ignorant of the situation. My nerves are shot. We talk to her before he, wife and kids come home from school. House is filthy, smells like cat litter according to hubby, and I have second and third thoughts about spending the night there. Then bil calls from school where he is a teacher and asks if we have power at the house cause they lost it at school. Electric lines are down. His wife is on school bus duty, but will get the 2 boys. Everyoone gets home and now we will go out to eat, if we can find a place that has power. Decision is made to go to Golden Corral.
Now sil has never been a great housekeeper. She gave carrots to the dogs and chunks are all over the carpet in the living room. Pee stains everywhere. You can't take your shoes off in the house cause you don't know what you will step on. There are birds in the kitchen and they let the cage doors open. One bird has plucked most of its feathers out.....and loses them on the floor. Can't eat at the kitchen table for all the junk on it. When she turns a burner on, the stove smokes up because of all the crap on the flat topped stove. OK, let's go out to eat!!!!
The rest. is only 4 miles from the house. Great. Mil knows her way around and what she wants to eat. Hubby buys dinner so we are not an imposition. Everyone has a good time. We leave and are waiting for bil to buy some beer at the grocery store in the shopping area. Waiting and waiting. I tell hubby I need to go home now. I suffer from IBS and don't always take kindly to rest. food. One nephew gets in the car with us and can get us in the house. Sil will wait for her hubby in her car. Fine. We head to their house and that is when I realize that the whole way home is lined with stop lights, and the speed limit ranges from 25-35 mph TOPS!!
I need to go to the bathroom NOW!!!
We pull into the driveway and I still have hope......nephew runs out of the car and tries to put the code into the garage door opener....doesn't work. Mil goes to the front door....locked, of course. Nephew jumps the fence to the back yard, goes to the back door....locked. I am standing in the front yard away from everyone, tell hubby I need to get to the bathroom NOW.... he frantically tries the code again. The 14 yr old nephew comes back around, hubby tells hin to punch the code in again..........and I shit myself!!!!! CRAP!!!! I tell hubby it is too late....I am devastated, humiliated, just beside myself, because it is like something crawled up me and died!!!!!! The code finally works and nephew ducks and runs in the house not to be seen again. I shit myself a SECOND time before I can even move, and hubby has the nerve.......THE NERVE....to tell me I stink!!!!!
We could have had the funeral right there.......cause, believe me, I sent him a look that should have killed!!!! I told him to get the damn suitcase and get it to the master bath downstairs. I walk through the house moving only from my knees on down.....my butt cheeks no longer work. I save my shoes and get a shower, but still have a big mess to clean up in the bathroom. I look under the bathroom sink and can't find a damn thing to use.......no Comet or Ajaz, no Clorox clean-up or wipes......not even Windex, much less Lysol. I tell mil to stay out of there and run to the kitchen.........nothing!!!! Hell no, they don't clean their house!!!! I found some Spic N Span wipes with the lid open,,,,,so yeah, they are dried up, but I use what I can, do the best I can, and almost left the damn rug.....who the hell would notice!?!? All this happened while bil had found someone to talk to at the grocery store. That's why it took him so long to get home, but it saved me some dignity. But I traveled 5 hrs to get there, been there on 5 hrs, and I am ready to go HOME!!!!!
That was just the beginning.......I hope you had a good laugh.......I can now, or I wouldn't tell it............and let the poop stories begin!!!!!!!!