This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
With that said, everyone try to take some time to yourself even if u have to go to your room for 15mints and just try to relax. I know it is easier said than done and I thought this was great of Jam to open a spot on the 'CAREGIVER' feelings and etc. I have notice this forum has helped me tremendously by knowning I'm not alone and that some of y'all r experience similar issues and the advice is great sometimes for it comes from pesonal experience and I know every situation is different. Kudos to everyone for taking on such a challenging yet sometimes rewarding job. My mnl actually told me she loved me one day and told a few people that, "she would have no idea what she would have done if it was for her daughter-n-law." she has never called me her daughter-n-law and I have been married to her son over 16 yrs and together over 18 yrs. I liked to cried when I heard her say those word. Of course, yesterday i could had strangled her. : ) It like riding a roller coaster but I know I need to remember to breathe in/out and I have to try and take care of myself for no one else is going to do it for me, at least for right now.
Had a weird day at work, and my little Sonny man came into the living room with his pants down around his ankles, he couldn't find the bathroom that I had just taken him too... breaks my heart, and of course had to shuffle him out quickly before the Dragon Lady singed all the hair off of him with her outburst.... I feel so sorry for him when I am not there....
Anyway, another great day... trees are budding, looking a lot like spring..... hope everyone had a good day... check in so we know how ya'll are.... love and hugs...
A woman responsible for taking care of a 95-year-old with dementia was arrested Sunday after leaving her in a car for more than two hours to gamble at a South Florida casino, police say.
According to the South Florida Sun Sentinel, Maria Holly, 53, was arrested after a visitor to the Seminole Casino Coconut Creek noticed the 95-year-old woman sitting in a car and called police
The elder woman, Belle Sapstein, who wasn't able to answer questions about herself because of her dementia, was uninjured, police say. She was taken to a local hospital for observation and was still listed as a patient there Monday afternoon, the newspaper says.
Surveillance video from the casino, located about 40 miles north of Miami, reportedly showed Holly driving into the parking lot at 4:49 p.m. on Sunday. An officer was dispatched at 7:07 p.m.
Though Sapstein appeared to suffer no distress from the incident, she was left alone without food, drink or a cellphone, WPTV in Palm Beach says, citing a report by a police officer responding to the call.
Holly, who says she is a licensed nurse, thought it was OK to leave the elderly woman in the car, according to the arrest report.
Broward County Circuit Judge Louis Schiff ordered Holly to be held on $6,000 bond and to have no contact with Sapstein, the TV station reports. Schiff also prohibited Holly from working as a caregiver until her criminal case is resolved.
Now, had she taken that poor woman into the casino and sat her at a machine, no one would have said a word....not often I'm at a loss for words....:)
Jam hope all is well in your area..
Stormy .. Glad all went well for dad.. Hope dad has better days
Hadassah..hope things get better..my mom stopped having TIAs when they figured out is was atrial fibrillation and right meds.
Seeme..you are a great dil!
Cindyeb..right ther with ya girl! Dad mumbles under his breath or raises his hand to me.. All I am trying to do is help...arghhh .... Told him yesterday if he wants to hit me to go ahead if it will make him feel better..but if not stop. I am doing the best I can.. Poor guy everything is soo much more sensitive ..emotions run high! I say he is alright and he says.lthey are not.. His body hurts cause he can't stand right back hurts when I hold him to stand straight...all his muscles not doing right cause he is sitting all day.... Oh well... Way it goes for now..
Ladee..ha trying to talk to bro is like hitting a brick wall.. Hubby called him ..he never called back.. Guess he didn't see the missed call. I have Saturday coming up. And I hope to go see my grand in April...hubby will take care of mom and dad. Best we can do for now.
I also wanted to tell you all that I requested info about AL's in NC and SC from Aging Care, and I received a phone call in 29 min. I talked to a rep for this area, and got 3 emails from her suggestions the next day. If you need to, PLEASE use the services this site has available. And I was told about a VA benefit I had no idea my mil could receive. Yeah, Aging Care!!!
Notlike, try writing down what you want to say and practice saying it in the mirror, at least you will notice when your face starts turning green and you'll already be in the bathroom , good place to practice... but I promise you, is does get easier, for everytime you set a boundry with her you get more of your personal power back. You can send me an email of what you REALLY want to say...... hugs and angels to you, you are worth standing up for......
Vickie Vic, it is time for you to have some time off... make arrangements with your bro and have him come for a few days next time hubby is home.... none of us can do this day in and day out and stay calm, patient, and you remember when you and I was talking about saints, well, I don't remember your name being on the list... so TAKE SOME TIME OFF.... if you loose your mind who will be here to tell me to 'breathe'..... love, hugs and angels to you too....
Cindy, you know it's ok if you choose not to do this... it really is... not everyone can, and there is not shame in saying you choose not to... sounds as if she is non compliant and that makes it even harder.... at least in AL you know she will be given her meds, stay hydrated and eat when she is supposed to.... do what you need to do.... hugs and angels to you...
Jam, I was worried about you today when I heard about the bad weather...but remembered you posted on FB this morning... hope it's not a crazy spring like last year..... hugs
Seeme, hope you are over your weekend from hell.... I know you dread having her there for a few weeks, guess we'll be hearing from you more often....hugs
Stormy, don't look for problems where there isn't any..... if the Dr. thought it was something serious he would have told you so....
had, let us know how things are going ... at least she is in the hospital.... hugs...
My page is jumping all over the place so am going to go for now before I loose this again... love ya'll later.
I'm at the point where I'm ready to toss my mother in the street!! All I hear is I want to go home. I've been taking care of her since she got out of the hospital in Dec.She has early dementia and hasn't done 1 thing she's been told to do by Drs., PT and nurses. I always thought I could do this but I can't. I hoped she would go home again and not into an assisted living facility, but she doesn't take her pills correctly, she refuses to use her walker to regain her balance and refuses to stay hydrated unless I'm here forcing her to drink. She has her cat which she misses and I understand that completely, but I can't bring him here because my cat is not very kind to other cats!! We argue all the time, she gets to that angry phase and calls names, which 5 minutes later, she forgets, but it still hurts. I just want to thank you all again for being here for me to vent. My friends are great but are not going through this and unless you've gone through it, you can't relate.
Have a happy day! I'm trying to!!!
Vic-Wish your days were shorter so they'd be easier to get through. Hugs.
Ladee..kudos and lots of love! Mom doesn't have al or dementia but she asks same question over and over...know it takes longer for her to understand some things and sooo wish I could be calm about it...she says she gets it and then she asks again...arghhhhhh
Hubby just left and already wish he was here to help. He helps me to keep the peace. Lol ...I just need to do better today!
Love to all ..
Think about what you want to say, in as few words as possible, say them gently, and leave the room.... you can throw up then...lol.... that's what I have been doing to Marie...after last Fri of letting her get to me, I said no more.... I don't like myself when I act like that, has nothing to do with her....
So letting you know it won't be easy, but we can do this.... Let us know if you threw up before you got out of the room.... love ya and it's time for boundries..... or you might as well move out of your own home and hire a caregiver... sorry, I'm already being abused or I'd take the job.....lol....good luck and prayers and angels to you...
notlike....yep still have bad eyes......script hasn't changed which surprised me. But I did decide to get a spare pair of glasses just in case mine break....can't see to read the computer without them...I would be in FB withdrawal.....lol. With the issue of cleaning the walls it's damned if you do and damned if you don't.......I know it's tough to decide how to handle that.....maybe you might try telling Mom that your intention is to paint later instead of washing walls. And hopefully she might forget about it.
Getting ready to rain again....dogs are antsy to go out....so wishing everyone a good night with peaceful dreams...........
Hope your day is a great one tomorrow! Thanks again!!!
Jam - Give us an update! How are your eyes? Hugs.
Ladee-Sonny just sounds like a great guy! I'm glad we got to meet him through you. And thanks for the support - always :)
Okay - I don't know how to deal with this one. Looking for ideas. My house is neat, if not ever spotlessly clean. (If you don't slow down, you can't see the dirt LOL) Mom sits here all day, and sees the dirt. When she feels up to it, she cleans something herself. And I hear about it. And I'm supposed to tell her how great that was. Because it doesn't happen too often, I can live with that. But then she picks something bigger to be cleaned, and volunteers my Dad. I hate that. He is not here to clean my house. I think he already does his share. I can't keep doing these big projects myself, though, just to keep the peace. Today she moved the toaster and such and wiped off a kitchen counter. Now she wants the walls cleaned in the kitchen. I don't want Dad up on a ladder doing that. And I'm pretty sure he'd rather be doing something else, too. But I don't know how to tell her without starting a fight. Argh!
Good night all, and better tomorrows.
Supposed to rain today......yes I know we need it for the green grass and to fill the pond....but when I have to get out in it it's not so nice. I hope there is no dilating my eyes, but since I have procrastinated for 5 yrs I bet I don't get away without that. It's always fun picking out new glasses.....
Hope everyone has a great day...will check in later...hugs to all you special angels!
Happy Trails,
Jam
Do you think as mom gets more in tune with what is going on with her, there is a possibility of a change of heart???Wouldn't that be an awesome blessing for her and her family... prayers for you and your family...
Vic... sorry to hear dad is declining. It is so hard to watch... I know the last time my mom was sick, I remember feeling so much anger and helplessness... we knew what was going on, so did she... and with Grace she showed us how to deal with it..... Give him a big hug from Ladee today, he is in my prayers... and of course you are too.
Seeme, I know this lady needs one on one care, but I am praying the family finds a solution other than you taking care of her.... if she has the money for care, then hopefully one of the kids will get control of that money and see that she is placed in a good NH, she sounds a little advanced for AL, but guess a Dr. would have to make that decsion...I just know it is too soon after your mom to be doing this again....
Jam, hope your yard is looking good again... it's springing spring here too in little ways.... looking forward to sunny days...
Was helping Sonny get dressed yesterday, this look of concern goes across his face, I asked hiw what was wrong, "Do you think they are going to let me in?", without skipping a beat, I said, " I'll kick their ass if they don't !"... He laughed and off we went into the living room... how frietening for him to wake up and not know he is home and be worried that he would be 'accepted'... I hate the disease of Alz... with a passion..... this is one of the sweetest, funniest, kindest men I have ever known in my life.... and his sense of security is being stolen from him everyday..... just blessed to be a part of his life.....
Got a pic of my new grandbaby and his mommy yesterday... he was looking at her with this," hey, I know you" look on his tiny face.... thank you God for this little miracle...
Hugs and angels to you all today... we can do this, together, one day at a time, one crisis at a time, one Dr. visit at a time, one more answering the same question at a time.... we have each other, and that is a blessing....
Cindy-Welcome. Keep coming back, we're listening. Hugs.
Vic-sorry to hear it is getting harder with your Dad. Hugs.
Well, so much for Dad saying talking to Mom was a waste of time. He told me she was nice to him yesterday, even said good morning for the first time in years. I wonder what she's up to.....
Not the greatest appt. for Dad last night. Gaining too much weight, chloresterol high, sugar high. It will help when the weather's better and he can get out more. So I've got one I need to get to eat (Mom), and one who needs to be on a diet. Yipee, not.
And his kidneys aren't working well. Doc said he is CKD Stage 3. More blood tests and another appt. in 2 weeks. Fun, not.
Have a good day everybody!
Cindyeb..know just where you are...I am getting relief once a week and hubby helps lots when he is home from work. Don't think I could do it by myself but would try. Have you contacted your local area on aging? There are programs in many communities and resources to help. Dad won't even try to walk anymore and we are giving him his pils now with applesauce as he doesn't want to swallow them. Have a hard time getting him to drink water..so we use crystal light and the instant tea. He drinks it much better.
Just back from dr appointment with mom and dad...whew..good to go until hair day on Friday. Next week dad goes to see the hematologist ..so we will see how the procrit is helping. Seems to have made a difference ..he doesn't bruise as easily. melatonin at night has been good for him too.