This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Ladee-Prayers for Sonny, and you to get better quick. Dad has his moments of not feeling well because these treatments wear him out, but all in all he feels pretty good. He was always more social than Mom, and being here day after day with only going to the hospital and shopping makes him bored. But we can't sign them up for anything regular to do - Mom wouldn't go and there's so many doctors appointments, they eat up the schedule.
Vic-glad your Dad is feeling good. Please be careful moving him! Do you have help that could show you some techniques? It won't do either of you any good if you wreck your back. Hugs.
Jam - I want to be outside too! It's been in the 40's here, and the snow is almost gone. My hands are just itching to be in the dirt! Would you please all decide which dance you are sending north? It snowed (flurries) here today while the sun was shining! LOL
Burned - hope you are enjoying your fun day. Hugs.
Stormy - You sound human. Thank you for your courage and stength to say it. It is hard - one day can blend into another. And another. Hugs and know we are listening.
Dad and I are going to mop the kitchen floor tomorrow. It irks me that she points out what's dirty. Also that she's right - the floor needs mopping. But it's a chore for me with my back, so I don't do it often enough. And the dogs and boots and shoes just mess it up right away anyway. So she "volunteered" Dad to do it. Enough! She has him doing so many chores - dishes, vacuuming, their laundry, some of the cooking for them, and he or I run her errands whem she's too tired to go out. So I said he and I would do it together. I didn't move them here to get my house clean! I feel bad adding more for "them" when I know it will be just him doing it. So we'll do it together, and she will be happy it's clean. Until next time it's dirty...
Good night, and better tomorrows.
I think that I would be looking for a bottle as well. Wish that we were there, I could make you some chicken soup or something. Or maybe "accidently" water the guys behind your trailer..lol.. Get as much rest as you can my friend, I believe I am going to kick Glenn out of bed, and go back to bed myself, backs been hurting for a couple of days now.
Jam, a garden sounds so good, been a while since I had one of those. I love a fresh tomato straight from the vine.
Ladee I hope that you are feeling better, I hate the stomach virus..
I think that when our loved ones are sick, it seems like it is forever. Stormy, hang tight..
Burned, what part of AZ are you in ? Glenn and I will be coming to Surprise, hopefully next month as long as nothing else gets in the way.
Big Hugs All and prayers for rest, both for you and for those that you care for.
Vic-I hope you get some much needed rest this weekend. We can always hope, right?
Ladee- i will say a prayer for sonny. It is always hard losing a friend or anyone you care about. Dad has lost a many a friends over the years and i know it does not get any easier when someone dies. You got the stomach virus? i will definely say a prayer for you that it leaves you soon. saltine crackers and ginger ale. Always helps me. Love and hugs to you.
Jam-sorry that the col is having a hard time dealing with being at the nh. Hopefully she will quit asking when she can come home. Prayers for you and target.
ros-hope you get some rest today.
Seemee- good luck with the puppies. What kind are you getting and how many?
Dad is doing the same, no news here same old same old. So i hope ya'll have a good day today. Love and hugs stormyyy
Have done a yippee for notlike's momma....wonderful news! But sorry to hear you have a cold....sometimes I think a cold is worse with so many different symptoms and an unknown time that it just drags on and on.
The sun is shining here, supposed to be in the 40's....going to put some pepper plants in containers to start their growth for the garden. Was going to put seeds in the Aerogarden, but had to order a new pump, so maybe I will start the lettuce in that when the pump gets here. Everything else is direct sow....I can't wait to get outside. Thinking about paying the neighbor boys to come and rake out the garden and the leaves that have blown up against the col's fence.
seeme....I'm not sure what to think about the col and wanting to go home. She has mentioned us taking her to San Francisco....that's where she was born and lived for a short time....she doesn't remember her home she lived in before building her house here....and she doesn't remember here at all. Target has always said he fears for her soul because she doesn't believe there is anything after death....I do know the morning her daughter passed away she talked for 2 hours on the phone and I mentioned several times that she was now with her Dad, the col's husband, in peace and no longer in pain and the col didn't argue one bit about that. She seemed to take comfort in that her daughter was in heaven. So I don't know what to think. We let her have a cooling off period yesterday....will call this morning to see how she is. I have errands to run so will probably just drop in to see her. Her missing quilt still hasn't shown up, so it's going to be up to me to do a search for it.
Hope everyone has a good day.............hugs to all!
Happy Trails,
Jam
I think we are all tired, needing sunshine here! As much as we are grateful for the rain, we sure could use a few days of sunshine, in a row preferably... but God is letting us know we don't get to have it all.... because we are almost out of the drought..... won't be long and I will be complaining about the relentless sun shining all day.....
But I think we need to be seeing wildflowers and gardens coming up...we live in an area where the bluebonnets and indian blankets bloom like crazy in the spring when we get rain.... can''t wait to see colors besides grey....
My little Sonny man goes to his best friends funeral today..... I am so happy that the daughter knows this is something he needs to do, whether he remembers or not.... I think Marie is going to stay home... which I think the daughter is releived about.... so prayers for Sonny today, to tell his friend, see ya later old friend.....
love and hugs.... hope everyone checks in today.... we need something to laugh about....
ASG..agree with everyone else about auntie. Take care you! Prayers and hugs
Notlike...great news with mom..maybe more veggies like spinach and some lean red meat to boost her iron?
So tired these days ....
Seeme, I have the same problems with my mother. She was spoiled by her parents in the first place, and by my father later, so I have 3 people to thank for what she is now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry you have a bad cold.... your body is wore out from stress and no sleep....
And very happy to hear hubby did good on the valentine's day gift..... take care of yourself, love and hugs.....
She is rather anemic with a hemoglobin of 8.2. They offered her blood transfusions, but she refused. Other than taking care of herself, and light cooking for her and Dad, she doesn't do much, so she's tired, but not exhausted. For Dad's sake, I need to find something for them to do during the day that won't tire her out too much, that she'll agree to do, and that will get him out and about with other people. Hmmmm...maybe a small garden in the spring.
I have an awful cold and just want to sleep. No such luck. 3 hours at the doctors yesterday, and working besides. I did get a sweet valentine from hubby. Made my day :)
It's been quiet lately on the site. Hope everyone is well and resting-not just too busy to post. LOL We can dream, right?
Good night, and better tomorrows.
Jam, in hindsight, I now undertand that when my mom wanted to go home, she was talking about her hometown, not the house she lived in for over 50 years. And that is part of the dying process. She spent more and more time living in the past during sleep. Some of the times I thought she was calling for her sister, she was playing with her friend with the same name. She started calling for people I didn't know and later I found out they were childhood friends Maybe going "home' doesn't mean your house. Just a thought..........
Hubby hasn't said anything else about bringing his mom here. She is having more mental issues with not finding the right words, can't remember where she is, doing strange things. I know we are more able to take care of her than his brother, but she is too combative. And she has no "filter" on her actions.........comes from being spoiled by her husband. Hubby actually sat in the kitchen the other night and raised his eyes to the ceiling and said, "Thanks, Dad!!" The family has 2 months to decide what to do next. Can't imagine taking her back to Maine to live by herself for the summer and handing her car keys back to her. Money shouldn't be an issue, but her personality is. You can't tell her the time of day...........
But nothing will stand in the way of my spring puppies. About 2 mos now and they will be mine. Friends came over last night and brought a HUGE crate that we can use in our bedroom until they get too big, or house trained, whichever happens first. Now we can get a cushion for the crate, so we get to go shopping tomorrow when hubby is off work.
Rosella, gald Dorothy came home and you are staying warm. Burned, Notlike, Zoey, Ladee, Austin, Vic, Stormy.......and everyone else.........have a good day, get a nap if you can, and know that I am thinking about you and reading everything you say. My prayers are with you for peace as you go about your duties. Love and hugs.............
Oh, the vagaries of modern medicine and the damn doctors who run the show!!! I have to applaud the doctor who will stand up and say "I don't know".....they are human after all, even though in crisis we expect them to perform miracles. Tina, the doctor is looking at Aunt from a clinical standpoint, not a personal, familial point like you are. You and Aunt might very well be correct in that something is wrong due to the drastic weight loss, but could it be that it is caused by end of life? I have to think that Aunt is being really smart here and knows what she wants....which is to live the rest of her life as peacefully as possible. So let's say a bunch of tests are run and something is found....I think maybe you are swinging toward a cancer of some sort.....what happens then? Chemo...which takes the body down to almost nothing before rallying back? She probably wouldn't come out of it simply because of age and the toll it takes..........I'm thinking she knows exactly how she wants to depart this world.......and I say "you go girl"! Have a back-up plan because we all know what happens to Plan A. Our best intentions get shot out of the window by forces and events that we have no control over. I spent 8 mo prior to placing the col assuring her that she would be taken care of at home, but after considering all the facts....money for assistance, ease of doctor visits...they don't make house calls and it's unethical for Target to treat her...the only possible solution was the NH. Also I had to consider the cost to my physical health and Target's, our mental well-being as well as our own quality of life. We have decided that after the phone calls from the col yesterday we must put a stop to her calling us. We will call her once a day but we can't go through the now demanding to come home...and she is getting downright mean about it and trying her best to send Target on a guilt trip....isn't working but the constant barrage of comments are wearing on his brain. Can you imagine what it would be like if she were still home.......the constant harping to go shoppy-shoppy or out to eat....when we all know she can't. It's true that getting old isn't for sissies......I for one don't know that I'm doing it too gracefully myself....I find that I have a tendency to go down kicking and screaming..............
My love and prayers and hugs go out to all of you angels today.....and I wish you a peace- filled day.
Happy Trails,
Jam
Good night everybody.
And Sonny, he is such a sweetheart, no way could someone care for this man and not love him.....so I am blessed I feel....
And even tho Auntie is a strange one sometimes, she does feel safe with you, she trusts you, and trust yourself to make the right choices when and if the time comes....and yes you can deal with end of life issues.... that's what we do, family or not.... the only time I have not been detached was when my mom died... but that was my mom.... whole different set of dynamics there....but when something happens to Sonny I am going to be devastated...so I know what you are talking about.... but how will the kids deal with this if and when something happens in the home... It is different for us as adults..... something to consider.... and glad to hear you are making some plan B's and C's.... you know we are here for you , don't push your feeling to the side.... love ya
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