This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
We've heard from new friends and old friends and how much better can that be?
MH.....PATPATPATPATPATPATPATPATPATPATPATPATPATPAT....for you! And say a big yes when you find Mr. Right!
notlike.....ouch! Too easy to snap an ankle....if it's not better in a couple of days better get an xray. So happy you had a good time with Mom and Dad....and cake too.
marj....your mil sounds so much like how the col used to be. She wanted to do everything for herself and for the most part I stood back and let her do it then I would go along behind her and redo it....but she really lost the ability to do that a long time ago.....that came with an epiphany the other day.
Vic....so glad you got to have some cuddle time. And I bet kitty appreciated that too. My chihuahua was a bit frustrated with me yesterday since I ignored him a little too long....he went on a kiss and hugfest last night.....takes the tension away.
johnycares......good to hear from you. Yes, it's sad and breaks your heart, but remember all the love from your wife that she has given and this is not her fault...it's a short-circuit that she can do nothing about.
Taxes.....is there anything worse? Well I guess a diaper full of pingo.....but finally got them done. Did the col's first and I kept coming up with this huge overpayment, she always pays her taxes quarterly, so my son had to come help his poor ol' momma......and he came up with the same. And yes, long form for us and the hard part was trying to figure out the form for foreign credit. That's what had me running in idiotic circles....and causing a dependency on alcohol...:) Started printing it all and Target is having kittens..I made the mistake of hitting the "save return and worksheets"....52 pages later.......what saved us this year is paying our own insurance premiums.
Couple of days ago we went to a reception at the hospital for a couple of friends who are retiring. It was so good to see old friends and Target is much loved and missed by the hospital personnel. Everyone was asking how the col is doing and then that made us talk about her later......and we came to realize that her dementia actually started back around 2002. We thought about some of the things she did, like getting confused with simple driving directions. We were so busy with our own careers that we didn't take the time to even think that there might be a problem.....if we had I don't know that it would have made a difference or maybe it would have made things worse....perhaps leaving her to fend for herself for those few years kept her brain more active. How do you know?
I hope everyone has a wonderful Super Bowl Sunday....I'm having lunch with 2 sisters today, then watch the game tonight with Target.
Happy Trails,
Jam
I hope everyone has a great Sunday. Here is a little line I use sometimes, you might find it useful down the road, or at least have a little laugh. "Not only did he/she get on my last nerve, he/she stood on it, jumped up and down on it, and ground it into the dirt! LOL! "For when the times get rough"
Marjorie...know what you mean about your mom ..she is the opposite of dad..very independent, sharp as a tack at 91. Still gets around ..doesn't want any help.."I do too much " ..it has taken us awhile to get in a routine of sorts...she does quite a bit of puttering. She loads and unloads dishwasher, takes care of her laundry, makes her bed, pays her bills..I do statements.., she makes her and dads breakfast but I take care of lunch and dinner.. It is still so aggravating when I stop to do something else then come back and find her finishing what I didn't..errrrr .. At least I have stopped her from climbing step ladders, she will sneak outside without telling me..not that there is a problem with going outside but what if something happens! Of couse she doesn't need any help to walk..I can do it myself! ...
I have learned to back off and give her as much independence as I can..while running around making sure there isn't anything on the floors that she will bend down and pick up or get the broom....try to outthink them is like crazy!! Oh well....I am very grateful that she is in such good physical and mental shape.
Dad is doing ok...staying the same bad days aren't quite so bad right now..yaay
My day yesterday was nice...I cuddled with my kitty at home..and your right ladee she has never not once talked back to me..but she is very demanding when she want fresh water or fresh food and a treat!! Haha
We will try to make it to church today.. Then the big game...although don't think dad will make it as he has been going to bed pretty early these days..forgot to raise his legs a little last night..he is so squirmy..when he called to pee he was already scrunched down at the bottom of the bed!! So got him all fixed up...dummy me! Lol
god bless all of you and pray that whatever situation you are in that it is the best day possible!!
So I take a moment to remind myself to be grateful she is as independent as she is, and the jobs she does around the house are really a big help even if I DO have to wait on her and/or hunt for things she has put somewhere other than where they belong......heck, my DH does that all the time! :)
Hope everyone has a restful night and gets a chance to watch the big game tomorrow if they want to. Super Bowl is one of the few sports events we pay any attention to, and then mostly for the commercials! Mom will probably stay in her rooms most of the afternoon because she doesn't like the noise of the TV. Hugs to all who are stressed this weekend. Like everyone else says, take a few moments for yourself, and don't let anyone tell you that it is selfish. Your loved one will survive and you will be a better caretaker if you take care of yourself FIRST!
MH-Pat! Pat! Pat! and many more. Welcome, and glad you found us. I've been caregiving for 4 months...you are an angel for doign it 19 years.
Today good: Stayed in my pj's ALL DAY! Just because I wanted to.
Today bad: Sat on my leg, then tried walking while my foot was asleep. Came down on it wrong and sprained my ankle something fierce. Big lump, lots of pain. Oh goodie.
Today Good: Mom offered to help me make cake since I'm a gimp. She and Dad did most of the work, and it actually was a nice time. And the cake was yummy.
I no longer expect perfect days. But I am grateful for a decent one like today (minus the ankle)
Hope everyone had a decent day or better.
What do you teach online??? and good luck with finding Mr. Right and hope he also has money... money is good too.... best wishes to you, hugs...
Jam, yes,it is rum and coke time.... bet your little head is smokin'....Is Target feeling any better???? Put all the IRS stuff down and relax and get some alchohol in you... It'll put the fire out in your brain..... love ya...
Stormy, there is no other way to ask this than to just ask it... why do you ask us questions and then not try any of it..... especially for Connor....If you had spent the past few days throwing up and going to the potty would YOU want to eat??? Get him jello, gatorade, thin soups.....We've all raised kids and managed not to kill any of them so mabe we know what we are talking about.... he's just little, it doesn't take much for him to dehydrate.....and keep him home until he is running around and getting on your nerves...THEN it's time to send him back to day care..... I hope I didn't piss you off or hurt your feelings.
Just a lazy cold day here, reading and snoozing, talking to the cat... by the way she agrees with me all the time, thats why I talk to her.... love ya'll, check in and let us know how you are....
Beyond resting, I haven't done nothing today.
Stormy, no murdering the husband..lol.. I've got the place to hide the body, I'm just not close enough to help you move it..lol, hubby's can be a bunch of big babies.. They want our attention and if our attention is spread out to other places, they can tend to pout, but in defense of the men, I will have to say that women can be the same way if the husband is working long hours, (they see if as providing for the family) or if they are off having fun with their buddies and leaving us at home alone to handle that end. Let him know how you are feeling. He might not understand it, but you'll feel better for doing it. Mine pouts and sulks if he doesn't get his way.
I hope that everyone has a better day,... Big Hugs and much love
Prayers for all of you today...
And billy, come back and visit.... we need all the voices we can hear to get us thru our days.... we all have something to contribute... hugs to everyone...
Brandy-Hugs to you.
Angela-Hi! Please come visit us again. There is a ton of support from people who know what you are going through.
Well, the brain tumors are shrinking. One is actually all gone, and now there is an empty spot where it used to be. Weird to think about an empty spot in her brain. They said didn't see the fourth tumor this time. That doesn't mean it's not there, just too small maybe.
Mom was pretty nervous waiting to see the doctor. She paced around the waiting room. It was good for her to get good news. And her cold is getting better, so she's good all the way around.
Dad is having more trouble. These treatments are taking a toll and he's having more trouble going to the bathroom. I guess all these flushes are irratating his bladder. I sure hope this works, because it getting harder on him.
Hubby and I talked last night. he knows how stressful this is for me, and I couldn't ask for a better or more supportive spouse. I am so lucky. I know that this is what I want to do, and that I will be a better (more wise?) person in the end. I may not remember that every time things get rough, but it does help sometimes.
Hope everyone has a good day today!
do you know her well enough to call and talk with her about this??? See what she has to say....???
sorry it was one of those days for you.... you haven't been feeling good and that wears us out on top of everything else..... Texas hugs to you Vickie Vic and you are one awesome daughter to do what you do every day and night..... so one blow up isn't any big deal... you will make up for it, but as what seems to be the norm for yesterdays post, we are HUMAN..... we get tired, we hurt, we can't think, we let things get to us.... wonder how our loved ones would handle it if they were taking care of us under these same circumstances.... you act like your parents never told you to shutup, or raised their voice to you.... I doubt that happened.... so be kind to yourself, look at all the things you did RIGHT yesterday....I love ya girl... today is a new day.... yesterday if done and gone..... lots of hugs for you today...
Know I was stressed it getting things done early so we wouldn't have lots to do when we came home..the more I thought about current caregiver the more I got upset.. She had worked with us every other friday and everywhere sat. For over a year. Then when her hours change at another job instead of saying I am working afternoons every Friday...but I could come until 2 ..she says she can't come at all on Fridays because she is going to stay with another lady every Friday from 7 to 2 at my neighbors.. I don't begrudge her that at all especially since my neighbor needs someone to stay 24/7 as she may fall. She uses a walker but with her ms and her kids not near it is safer for her to have someone there. As I said yesterday we found another lady..am real excited about it but she only has Saturday available.. So for dad to get used to her I felt the best would be to have her every Saturday. As soon as We make decision I text caregiver to call me at her earliest that I found someone..this was around noon..she finally calls back after 7 in the evening saying that she just got MSG.. Ok... Then she says that she has already been able to pick up someone else. I am happy for her but ..the more I thought about it the more I felt that we were just being pushed off to the side anyway and this was just passive aggressive..
That just added to my crappy day for myself! The pity party lasted all day!!! Stupid of me.. Feel shitty for treating mom and dad short and curt..
Prayed all day to be patient.. But when we ask for patience we get tribulation so that we can be patient!!!
The new lady will be here today...will go to my house hope hope to just hang out and do nothing but read and sleep and cuddle my kitty cat..maybe work on tax papers...hahahaha
Just vent away.. Needed to get it all out so I can move on..each day is a new day and we start from here right!? I love you all and thanks for listening.....
angela.....welcome and hugs to you! Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a button on the back of our loved one's neck that we can just push and the dementia goes away? Or at least the thousand repeated questions would stop......sometimes it's very hard to wake up with a smile when you know how the day is going to go...and then there are those days when that's all you do. Come back and visit, we offer love, compassion, support, and freely given hugs.............
Still raining here.............
Happy Trails Angels!
Jam