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Stormy, thanks for your wishes.....I am leaning toward calamari and lobster, but will wait to see just what is on the menu.....love crabs, but it is a wasted meal as they go right through me!! But then I DO know where the bathrooms are on the way home......what a thing to have to think about!!!!!
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Seemee- happy birthday sweetie!!! I hope you have a wonderful birthday and eat some crab legs for me at red lobster. I love them!!! Love and hugs stormyyy
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Thank you all for the b/day wishes......dinner at Red Lobsster.....hubby is laready awake and we may ride around and see what we can find. My big present is the puppies......when we get them. Next month is our 40th anniversary and they will be our presents also. We are even thinking of getting some in MO is May if for some reason things don't work out with the ones in NC....so we have a plan B. Maybe we will go looking in the Pet store today.......still need a few things for them...............thanks again..................
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Good Morning. It's another day ladies and gents... here we go! Weeeeeeee! Here's another thought. I have been trying to figure out what being selfish is all about. As caregivers it is the rope that hangs us. People we care for throw that at us in a myriad of ways. A look, a stinging word, a pout, or cold shoulder-we all get the vibe that usually happens right after the no, I can't do that, or that will have to wait, or some other version of telling a person that their request won't be answered as they expected. Again, I think that selfishness needs a clear definition in our minds. A definition that will help us define our motives and thereby our actions. Nothing like knowledge. So, here is Mr. Webster's definition of selfish: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others And this: arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others a selfish act: I think I will memorize this and when I have to say no to something and I get slammed with the inward guilt of "i'm being selfish" or the outward bad vibe of "you're being selfish" I will compare my reason for saying no to this definition. I think in the end I will find that I am not a selfish person and that my saying no was healthy for all concerned-including me. Off to the great definition experiment! To all of you struggling with the burdens of caregiving just know that I for one do understand your struggles. I am in the thick of it all too. 6 siblings too far away to help, 2 parents to care for, financial and insurance work that needs my attention, I am unemployed and heading for bankruptcy, have my own health issues, have serious problems in my own family that has nothing to do with the parents...I know! and my heart and prayers go out to all of you. Be kind to your selves, be generous in giving to yourselves. Do kind thngs for your selves. You are precious and valuable beyond measure. Have blessed day everyone.
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Seeme, just read back over some of the posts, isn't dust a protective coverage like the ice was on the ice cream as my Mom use to say? lol... I don't like to dust either, and here in Desert Hot Springs, I pretty much don't.. when the wind blows, dust and sand cover everything, we had a windstorm the other day, told Glenn I had to have the smoothest skin around as I had been seriously sandblasted.
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Happy Birthday Dear Seeme, hope that everything you wish for is granted.
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Happy Birthday Seeme Sue, wish I was there to give you a bday hug.... is hubby taking you out and about today????Love ya bunches,,, glad you made another year... saw somthing on FB that was hilarous... shows a cat stretching, then said everything went craaaaaaaack, so cat decided he wasn't getting old, he was just
"crispy".... so you are one fiesty little crispy critter.... love and lots of hugs...
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Ditto seeme...........HAPPY BIRTHDAY girlfriend! Do I see a special lunch or dinner in your near future?
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"Without humor, life sucks. Without love, life seems hopeless. Without friends like you, life is nearly impossible."
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Austin.......DITTO!!!!!!!
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River, great story.....I think you got the gist down pretty good. I am a "yes" person which is what got me into caring for my mom in the first place, not that I would have traded it - I just would have gotten more help sooner.
Vic, thank you for the good wishes. We will go to dinner later at Red Loster, my choice. Three nights of sleep? Bet you didn't.....like I've said before, if they don't wake you up, you have to go check on them.
Mis, PLEASE take time for yourself. I had no idea how much I was affected by things until I went to visit Kathy's mom Saturday at the same NH/Rehab center my mom was in when she broke her hip. I swear I had PTSD when I walked through the front doors. Kathy talks about how tired she is after one week and it all comes back..........
Stormy, as soon as she bites, clamp her mouth shut until she squeals and say "NO BITE".....always worked for me, but she is going to go through that stage regardless. Watch Cesar Milan on NGO........love that man. Don't forget you have to be the "Big Dog"....Connor, too.
Starri, glad to see you posting. Going to Texas soon?
Ladee, I would feel demoted, too. Now that there is just housework for me, I don't want to do it. And I can find the damndest excuses not to dust..........I swear I'd rather take a beating.
Jam, you either have the best memory ever, or you have watched to see my profile flip to 60. That was one funny card. I played it loud so hubby could hear it........while he was in bed already. He worked last night again, so I will eb quiet all day.
Everyone make it the best day possible......ttyl
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Ladeeda -you better not leave this thread I will hunt you down you are a voice of reason-maybe that dates me but we need your good advice and more importantly your friendship.
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I can't say no either River, depending on the circumstances... I can tell Sonny no when he is about to hurt himself and things such as that.... I am learning to tell my son no... and that is one of the hardest and healthiest things I have done.... society has taught us if we say no it is selfish... we rarely if ever tell a boss no, that will get us fired.... good topic... going to pay attention today and this week on how many situations if I had said no how much my stress level would have come down....then start paying attention to really saying no....
mis, take that time off !!!!! I would take a week myself if I could afford it, but I know hubby will be ok with it....he wants you around for many years to come....
Ok, am going to work today with a different attitude, housekeeper it is.... does that mean I don't get to post now??????
love hugs and angels... everyone have a safe day....
Oh and vic, Marie always did great on the procrit shots.... so hope dad continues to improve and you get some much needed rest yourself.... tell your sweet hubby hi for me.... love and hugs
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Oh and Mis...take care you! Hubby will understand...sure does tak a very long time for our bodies to heal...
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Morning all...thanks for the story Rivier...I am a yes person too..when I realize I need to say no ..I am already past the point of where I need to be. Also you are right on about that our no helps someone else to step up and feel needed or rewardedmformtheir talents and insights.. This I try to remember because I am taking away something from someone else...just because I don't know how to say no. Works in all facets of life. ...used to do things at work rather than ask someone else to do it because it wasn't done in "my" time...how selfish of me!
Thanks again a great reminder and a way to asses our day honestly!
As for us..dad has had three decent day and nights...waiting for the bottom to drop out (how bad is that!). Looking to hope instead and praying he will just be comfortable and at peace with his limitations.
Naps...well we all had one yesterday after church and lunch! Pray we all have the best day and that we can be gentle and loving despite their crabbiness! Love and prayers
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Morning everyone,
River thanks for posting your story about saying no.
I had no problems with that saying that word to grandma. She'd want to give our cat milk or something and I would say, No, daisy don't like that stuff and she only eats her cat food and drinks her water. Grandma would throw a tantrum and either storm off to her bedroom or threaten to hit me or threaten to kick my hubby and I out of the house. I tried not to take in personal but it was hard not too. Other family members would just let her have her own way and that it was the right thing to do. Or the many times when grandma wanted cookies for supper instead of a real meal. I knew it was the demintia talking and not the grandma that I knew. People would ask us sometimes if we had any kids. I'd pipe up and say sure we do we have an 80-something teenager at home our grandma. I miss her daily but I know grandma is in a better place and I do miss the caregiving part but I do like my freedom. Just the other day, I left the foot rest up on her lift chair and the hubby yelled at me, Put your foot rest all the way in. lol
Ladeeda hugs to you.

As for me, I'm doing alright. I may end up taking an unpaid temporary leave of absence from work with all of the stuff going on. I need to get my health back in order and taking care of me for a change. I haven't talk with the hubby about it yet but sure am going to. I just need that extra time to heal especially with the heart issues that I have and doing the normal working 5 days a week just isn't helping the stress level.
Hope everyone has a good week.
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hadassah414, it does sound you have plenty of material for a book and the drive to write it. I think it would be a very healing experience.
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Hello to all those new to posting and to those who have just started again, River, I loved what you shared about saying "No" that is so important to remember. I find it really hard sometimes to remember it's ok to say "No".

Ladee, what is out there for you is just waiting for you to see it.. it's there as sure as the sun is going to come up tomorrow. Things are letting up a little for me, while the stress isn't gone, it's better.

Ya'll were talking about feeling relieved when a person passed on, I will have to stand and admit that when my Mom's 2nd husband passed, I was ready to throw a party. I did buy a black cocktail dress to wear to the funeral. Would have danced on his casket had I not considered that really tacky. Sounds evil of me I know, but when someone has abused you for so long, you can understand.

I hope that all are having easy nights, Big Hugs.
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Austin, you are getting pieces of yourself back. You are not the same person you were when I first came on AC, hubby was still alive and you were soooo unhappy and tore down.... I felt relief when my dad died... but sorry, I didn't feel guilty.... sometimes so much damage can be done by that person, what is there to miss... what could have been??? We had already grieved that during the process of them dieing..... and we are left here to heal behind it all. You have made some awesome progress lady.... and happy you are still posting all over the place... you have a lot to offer, even after the fact... you have honesty and experiance on how to get on with your life and the struggles that come with that.... so hugs to you lady... you've come a long way.....
Sorry Stormy, I am a cat person, but othes have dogs, they'll have suggestions I'm sure....
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Austin...I think there comes a point where we turn into survivors. And I think we have to be or we might as well lie down and die. We all have our breaking points and I've reached mine a few times....but I would like to think that each time has made me stronger. Don't you find that you wouldn't put up with the same type of treatment now? If I were to be put back into the same position as before, I can say there are a heck of a lot of things I would do differently....mostly not lie down and roll over. As hubby would say to me now "I am Woman...hear me roar!!!".....

stormy I have some suggestions that you might try....how about I send you an email?
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Hey all i will catch up on posts in a bit. I wanted to ask ya'll something, i know some of ya'll have dogs and wanted to know if any of ya'll have any suggestions on how to get lily to quit biting. She bit me pretty hard yesterday and bit connor too on the chest and bit him on the eyebrow today. She has got to stop that or hubby is going to kill her. I've tried the suggestions that they have had on the net. And they are not working. Got to do something. Do ya'll have any ideas as to what i can do to get her to stop. I know she is a puppy and they are going to bite, but she bites too hard. HELP. stormyyyy
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Jam I really felt ashamed at first for feeling relief when he died but he was in the process of being placed-I had had all I could stand and our pastor said we could not get a divorce and he was aware of our history. Saying no can be very freeing. The first time I talked back to the husband I thought the sky would fall down-the next time it got easier and every little action I made for myself made me stronger.
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I found out about her being institutionalised because my husband was in 3rd grade and witnessed the whole breakdown. The truck came to pick her up, she got away & ran down the street till they cought her & tied her to the streatcher. I think he felt guilty all those yrs from takeing sides with his dad on an issue. Also his cousin and aunt filled in some of the blanks. none of them have the whole story. each just has a different segment. She is the last living now , of siblings. only a couple of cousins left who didn't get any details either. Sad how it was such a dark family secret , then. I'm considering a book...
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yeah, doesn't make a lot of sense does it..... but I would rather be caregiving... I became aware today that my ego is bruised that I have been demoted, not that there is one single thing wrong with being a housekeeper.. just had I known that would become my job description, I would have declined the job... it doesn't take much for me to get bored..... thennnnnn I really become the problem child I am famous for....
How did you find out to begin with that your mil had been hospitalized and had received EST????? That was the treatment back in those days....and if they weren't impaired in some way BEFORE they certainly were afterward.... make my heart sick to think about her going thru that, and then feeling the need to keep it a secret because of the shame.... let us know what you find out.....
Am going to get ready for bed, want to go now, but it isn't even 7 yet... I'll be up at 2 and then grumpier than usual....so am going to make myself stay up....

Everyone check in and let us know how your weekend went... love hugs and angels....
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Ladeeda, You are a trained caregiver doing housekeeping and I am a trained cleaning tech doing caregiving . Do ya think God is trying to s-t-r-e-a-c-h us a little bit!

I've been doing a little research. My Mominlaw was a patient at st joe state hosp. in st joe ,mo, in about 1963 . She spent a year there and received over 100 electric shock treatments. My husband just remembers the arguing & her crying constantly. She's quite a powerful little personality. He never knew her diagnoses because his father acted like it never happened. (Common in that generation). Even her med doc had no idea what I was talking about. I'm in the process of attaining her mental health records . Had to go through the old instutution (now a museum) to get to records. Now hoping her doc will request them. Otherwise have to have her sign to get them, which will set off another mental frenzy! She subconsciencely covers that year will an imaginary trip around the world (& will tell you every detail of it, repeatedly). I have learned a lot about the brain damage the ect's ALWAYS cause. Knowing the horror she survived back then gives us more grace for her now. She was borderline genious before. She's so smart that she can make up a cover story that people believe! She had a lady from her church believing she had been to the vatican. When I told her she'd never left the country, I could tell she was suspicious of me! She checked it with my hubby & believes me now.
I've noticed too that the closer the conversation gets to revealing her mental illness, the more vicious her personal attacks get! I guess the best defense is a good offence! I ffeel like I may as well get a degree in phsychology, sometimes. Anyway I'm hoping to find out what her diagnoses was to know what I'm really dealing with. Also need it for family history for my kids & grandkids.
Since I'm stuck here with this virus, I've been able to spend time on it all. She is still congested & short of breath but no ffever & getting around ok. May call her doc tomorrow if not any better. Hugs to my fellow captives out there! :-)
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Brandy, good to see you here, and you got the cow pattie, it's the unconventional prize for posting with a 00 for the number....we can do whatever we choose with the cow pattie, let your imagination run amok.... hugs to you...
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We are surrounded by Grumpy Gussies aren't we !!!!!! Hope Marie has a better week than last week. It's not what they say, it's how they say it, like we are stupid, uncaring, lazy caregivers.... some are further along in letting it slide off our backs, apparently I am not one of them...it is so sad that resentment has to be part of this.... either on our part or thiers.... I try to be understanding of Marie's situation, of how tired she is, ect.... but when they look you dead in the face and say certain things, it's just hard not to take it personal..... so the one saving grace for me is, I am not alone in how I feel, and together we can learn to at least let it go faster.... we are human before we are caregivers.... I really think Marie would like a perfect robo-caregiver, that never made mistakes, never forgot anything, and would work like a dog and be satisfied with a pat on the head...... oh well, I'll go in there tomorrow with a smile on my face like always and go from there.... sounds like we all need a trip to the Laundry Room, with drinks on the house.... we'll pick the ugliest acting elder and it will be their treat.... how's that sound.... love you all...
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I have said before, and I'm convinced they are not happy unless their miserable or making someone else miserable. You can tell I'm fed up with things today. I was just making a full course meal getting dinner ready, and my MIL walks in, points to the cookie jar and says angrily "don't you even have any of these". I said I put a whole new package of vanilla oreos on your dresser. She responded " I don't care, maybe I don't want them". Just can't make her happy. I hate today!!!!
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brandy...sometimes you cannot make them happy no matter what you do. It took me quite a while to realize that while I was fuming mad and resentful, the col was still in her "happy" space of dementia and her mind had moved away from me and onto something else. A dear friend taught me to put my fingers in my ears and go lalalalalalalala....figuratively speaking that is.....but it worked. Whenever I walked into the col's home, I always knocked on her door first before I entered and if I didn't immediately see her then I would call out as I didn't want to startle her by walking up on her. Of course, sometimes I could catch her doing things she shouldn't have been....but anyway for about the last 4 mo before placing her in the NH, when I would walk into her house I ALWAYS said hi, how are you....that was at her request....and I would be met almost every time with "why are you always coming in here acting like a bitch?" ........didn't matter what was going on, even getting her so that we could go out to dinner....it was the same thing. So, yes that makes it so you don't want to go near them, let alone exhaust yourself taking care of them. When I have "Do Not Resuscitate" tattooed on my chest, I think I will have "Send to NH" put on my forehead.....I would put it on my ass, but no one would see it....................
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Most of the time Friday is my day but it was Sunday last week. I popped in gave her the meds and said I had to scoot off to church. Mom then said "well you just go to your LITTLE church then." It was just a sling, a snotty remark, which I used to get upset over, now I take it as kinda funny. Today I went there to see her and she is still agrieved over something. Oh well.
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