This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
zoey......wonderful!!! If possible try and have a night out once a month....it is lifesaving. When the col was still here, hubby and I would go out and spend the night and it was like having a mini vacation. Made it so much easier to get back to the care giving. And your mil will get glad in the same pants she got mad in!!!! She won't stay mad long I bet and if she does......that much more peace and quiet...lol.
I went to my Pastor the other to just sit and talk for a bit. I came away with a thought that I think will help keep things in perspective for me. He had dealt with a terrible period of time with depression. It was so bad that he thought he would have to leave the ministry. His problem was that he was always saying yes-he thought he had to be the point man for every problem that went on in the parish. That God would be angry if he said no, and that in general the church would fall apart if he said no. Eventually he had to go on medication and take some time off. During that time off he had great counsel from other ministers. The one thing that he shared with me that helped me put my caregiving upright was this: Understand that saying no strengthens your yes. Saying no allows you to say yes to people and projects with strength and purpose. God does not intend for us to say yes to every situation or person that cries out for our attention. He expects us to say no-because he understands the importance and power of that word. No sets boundaries on your time, talent, finances and personal endeavors. But more importantly your No allows a space for someone else to step up to the plate, or it allows the person asking to find ways to help themselves. No is a balancing word. And it is a supportive word-one that props up your Yes. When you do say yes in relation to your no, you are saying yes from a place of stregnth. You have the time, energy and purpose to do what you are agreeing to do. Saying No gives you that place. That was the gist of that conversation.
I think as caregivers we often feel we can't say no. In our minds no is negative, it connotes failure to support, or "something bad will happen" or "they will think I don't care or I'm selfish if I say no". But No is a powerfully positive word and it would be good for us as caregivers to use this word alot more often than we do. Believe it or not, having tentatively tried it this week, the world didn't crash down around me and no one thought evil of me. And I felt awhole lot better in general. Other people stepped in to help my loved one-people who actually had a better way of resolving problems than I did. And, this loved one actually found some of his own strength in working through a problem without help. I say the power of No when judiciously used, is liberating!
burned....you are making your way through this just fine. From the time you first posted until now, I can hear a little more fight in you, so this is only making you stronger. What were the kids into? Can you send them outside to work off some energy?
notlike is enjoying a nap....I'm thinking that sounds like a plan......
Have been given some great suggestions from a dear friend, so will try some of those things before I cut my nose off to spite my face..... am still going to see what else is out there, it just feels like the right thing to do, have a plan B....
I know that I should be grateful that I have been demoted to housekeeper... think my ego has gotten in the way... but it is frustrating when I have to set and watch some of things that go on and knowing there is a simpler way to handle Sonny....This is what I am trained for , taking care of folks with Alz....it would be like Jam watching some one put a band aid on a ten inch cut... her training kicks in , just like mine....and we all know me keeping my mouth shut takes more effort than brains, so once again, I have created my own crisis....
Told a friend the other day my life has been in 'crisis mode' most of my life, so it is hard to recognize a potential blessing of not having to work so hard.... so if there isn't a crisis on board I create one?????? EWWWWW that needs some serious looking at doesn't it.....
just saw one of my neighbors with his morning beer, it's going to be a looooong day...
See, see how I perceived that, it's not like I have to set here all day.... ah Lord, I make MYSELF so tired.....
Thank you all for letting me put my craziness out there... appreciate your patience with me.... love, hugs and angels to you all...
Jam-I got some laundry done yesterday, too. And it was about the only thing I really got done after spending time taking Dad shopping. Oh well. It's snowing here now, so I'm glad we went yesterday.
Hubby's already takling about naps, so that's a good sign we can rest/waste this day away. LOL
I will start looking for another job this Monday.... I choose not to 'suffer' at the job I am at, but taking some kind of action keeps me from feeling stuck and powerless....
You are an awesome young woman, and you keep on keepin' on..... prayers and hugs and angels....
You will find most doctors don't want to be the bearer of bad news......darndest thing I've ever seen. They will tell someone what is wrong but then don't carry through with timelines, etc.
Hopefully both Mom and Dad will start to heal from their colds soon. Darn viruses! Talked with the col tonight and she sounds good. Said the pukies are gone and she is holding food just fine....whew!!!! So it must be a 24 hr thing.
That's about it for me today....such excitement....oh wait....I did a load of laundry....even folded and put away.....now that's bored...:)
I needed some time to wrap my head around everything that is going on here. I am tired of living crisis to crisis and change to change. I am to the point where I am moving things back to where I moved them from 4 months ago, and I need to not stress when sh*t like that happens.
I read parts of my favorite Zen book. No, I am not that calm - I don't practice sitting every day! But I do need reminders from time to time on how to handle things. I read about how suffering is different from pain. Pain is what you feel, suffering is what happens when you hang around thinking about it. I'm watching my Mom with her cold. Her nose and ear is stuffy, and her throat hurts. That's pain. She sits around all day complaining and refuses to get dressed or go anywhere until "this goes away." That's suffering. We've been to the doctor, and her virus has to run it's course. Dad's got a cold, too, but we went shopping today and he is up and around.
So, while nothing has really changed here, I have. At least I'm working on it. I am still in pain, emotionally and mentally, but I could really use a break from the suffering! I guess some would call it adjusting to my "new normal".
Mom had another round of chemo this week, which meant another visit to the doctor, and a chance for me to ask questions. I'm getting the impression this doctor is not good at giving bad news and may be being less than honest with us. Mom doesn't want to read the test reports or really know what is going on, and that's what the doctor is providing her. Good news only. I'm glad for her, but I am being watchful becuase I'm the one planing the plans and providing care. She will not be having radiation to the lungs because the tumor is too close to the blood vessels (aorta) and the chemo is working well. Thank goodness for that.
Dad is doing well after 2 treatments. His don't have the side effects like chemo. It will be about two months before he's done and they re-test him. Waiting, waiting...
Because Mom's prognosis is so short, I thought we'd see a huge downhill slide right away. I think now that it will come in bits and pieces. I'm learning to deal with that. I hope. And it's going to take alot more mental adjustment and strength from me this way. One day is good for her, and I have to stand back, the next she's lost and sick and I have to step up.
You have all been a God-send to me. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found this site and this thread. I suppose I will be strong some days and a wreck on others from now on. But I'm starting to feel stronger and that feels good.
It looks to be another gorgeous day here in the Midwest.....supposed to be almost 70 on Monday.....this is unheard of for this time of year. Makes me wonder if it will be 30 in July instead of the usual 100 degrees!
Wonderful to see you Austin....and so nice to hear encouraging words from an "old" friend....:)
Good to read from you also lyn and soooo sorry to hear you are in crisis mode. I hope this gets better. I was offered the opportunity several months ago to document the col's life, but I felt it would be too much of an intrusion into her life, so we opted not to do it. Speaking of the col.....she has been in lockdown herself for a couple of days....the pukies caught up with her. Needless to say, our visits will have to be by phone or through the staff for a few more days. It's a little late in the season for that little virus to be making it's way through the NH....but any time isn't a good time.
I will be in "lurking" mode......check in and let us know how you are today!
Happy Trails,
Jam
Like everyone is saying..we are here for you ...we will listen and offer what we can. Love and prayers.
Ditto to what Jam said.
All I am going to say, I am NOT going to do this again with her.. if she isn't in a better mood monday, it is job hunting time..... sure hope she can find a HOUSEKEEPER who is PERFECT..... because this sure as hell is NOT caregiving.....I am pissed, going to take a worm nap......
lirp.....welcome and my goodness you do have a full plate! Mom lives with you? How advanced is her cancer? Have you considered calling hospice to assist with her? How about a care facility? It's apparent that you can't care for her right now.....you need to get yourself well and back on your feet. Your local adult protective services can give you some ideas of what you can do with Mom. When you feel like it, it helps a lot to fill out your profile...gives us a little more information about your situation. Prayers are sent to you for a speedy recovery and assistance with Mom. Come back and visit....this is a good place to sit and talk about your feelings....we'll leave the light on for you.