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Linda so sorry about the loss if your niece was it? And so so sorry about your dad. You guys have been through one heck of a dollar coaster ride in just the last year that I've been on here. Guess doctor "hospice for what?" Is eating his words right now.sounds like your roller coaster is almost to the end of its ride. Bless your heart.you have been a wonderful daughter.
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Dunken donut yummy!!!
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Thanks...Vic Jam..Stormy. you guys are great!!really don't know what I would do with out you all. And everyone else too!!! I sometimes wonder if this was my mother I was caring for would if be differen? Stormy.I know about feeling it in your bones Lol. Ive thought to myself hmmmm when did I develop esp. Its some kinda sonar radar us caregiver have.
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ladeeda - dad is now on hospices , not doing good , his swallowing is about done working , chest sounds rattling , heart is failing , some days he s alert and happy and other days he lays like he s on his way out .
just never know what his mood will be . i love it when he s alert and smiling and talk away . happy eating , this morning he couldnt feed himself , whiney and i fed him a small bfast , just so sad ,
i feel like im swiming in a black hole , i cant finish what im doing and now my house looks like mmmm ok hahaha ,
take care and try to have a happy day . xo
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Maybe i wouldn't feel this way had i had a better relationship with dad. I don't know. I go through the day over here wishing and hoping for the times that he goes to sleep and dreading it when he wakes up. And that sounds terrible i know. And i hate that i feel that way but it is how i feel. Just so tired of this everyday....... Well he is getting ready to call me I can feel it in my bones. Need to go.................
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Oops Im responding to older stuff. VIC thanks for the kind words. Its days like these I question just haw strong my faith is and what kinda punishment am I gonna get for some of the thoughts that pop into my head!!! SURELY he knows me better than anyone. And knows they aren't the real me.
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I feel like the dunkin donut man. Everyday same thing........................
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LADDEEDA I had no idea she was being physically abused. She was so lucky. And so is sonny and Marie. Maybe it was just time for Ruth to move on...and you to...maybe Sonny and Marie needed you more Now. They used to say Pneumonia was an old persons friend. It always sounded morbid to me but after working in the nh I understand.
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Allshegot- i hear you loud and clear sweetie. And i know just how you feel. I feel the same way, it seems like it is all the time now. Just putting on a act everyday. Trying to get through the day. Not recognizing the person that you have become that's me. And i keep thinking what all has this journey taught me. And i feel it has taught me that i too have bad thoughts, don't like myself for thinking them but i do.
Feelings of resentment, anger, selfish, and dread. So i get what you mean. I guess we are suppose to learn love, compassion, sympathy and all that stuff. But i just feel like most of that has gone out the window. I hope ya'll don't feel harsh towards me for saying that. I'm not a bad person. I am a very loving, likeable, easy going person. But i just feel that this whole caregiving stuff has changed me not for the better i must say. Love and hugs stormyyy
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JAM....GLAD col still has some fire left in her Lol. Glad you are smart enough to say no. Auntie told me this morning the nursing home was a good place it wasn't their fault it was hers cause she wasn't herself. I said I will remind you that next time you are screaming at the top of your lungs in the hallway that if I don't get you outta here you will go on your own with your walker. She looks at me and says well I wouldn't have got far. NICE!! I will remember that next time.
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ASG......Vic is correct. It is so much easier to be able to walk away when your shift ends and not think about it until it's time to go back. Now you are "on shift" constantly. You're tired, both mentally and physically. The one thing that kept me going on most days was to remind myself that God doesn't give any of us anymore than He knows we can handle. I kept that thought close to me because if God felt confident in me, then I could get through the day. Did I still feel like pulling my hair out....yes....I still broke down in tears a lot, and yes even wished I didn't have to do it anymore. Now that I'm not doing the physical daily hands on, I still do a certain amount of her care, I'm not relaxed and not able to take back control of my life....yet. Does that make sense? It's a different set of feelings from losing them to death and losing them to a NH. Sometimes, you just need to stop....lay all the facts out in front of you...weigh the pros and cons of the situation and make a new plan. Or a new approach to an old plan. Whatever works for you....remember without you there is nothing else.

As you can probably tell.....no lunch out today. Something came up and will go tomorrow instead.....gee that means I have to cook......weathers great, maybe fire up the grill......

Sorry about the rain ladee.....even though I know it's needed. We're pumping into the pond as I type...........gotta get that level back up...:)
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ASg I think at least for me it is because we are in it 24/7.. It is easier to be with others and them come home to loving our family. But this is our family we..don't get away from it..there is no real respite even if we do get some time..it is always in the back of our minds always there..not like a job we love. We are mentally and physically tired we get sleep but not rest ....we feel guilty because we feel this way and that just makes it worse..we try to make each day a good day. Then some stupid thing happens and we are pissed or frustrated or angry..then the cycle starts all over again..
We or me just has to work each day to make it a good day..moment to moment..step away take a deep breath come back try again.. Wouldn't change things if I had the chance..for as much as I would love to be able to have a job play in the garden talk to the cat..go to the store all in my time ...well I love my parents and want the best for them. God put us here and for some reason ...he gave us this gift,chance, purpose, suffering.. We can say God take it back..we are ok now..we have had enough...Jonah was the reluctant prophet ... He did everything not to go to Nineveh then finally he gave in and they repented right away..and he got mad! Arghhhhhhh...so here we are. ...know it doesn't help..
Today is going to be a good day today is going to be a good day today is going to be a good day....ohmmmmm we ARE blessed
Love you all
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well daughter is off to school and then later on after the washer gets done with one load and toss in the dryer time to get hubby cleaned and then my son...then off to the clinic for intake his therapy ( hubby) and then to see his Primary Care doctor to listen to my husband and give me the statement I need so I can go to SSA office and take care of other stuff deemed important to take care of him continuing to recieve hospice care...wish us luck and prayers...
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*referring * why do I want to just duck my head in the sand....run.....wave a white flag to god and say ok ok not sure what you wanting to teach me but let's pretend I got the it and let me go on win my life. The one I used to have. Let me go back ti being the person I know who loves everybody and everything and rarely ever has bad thoughts. Why can't I get past this...blow it off...change my attitude back to what its supposed to be and move on? Bosses at work always said they loved me cause no matter what was happening that day on the floor....I still had a smile on my face....when an emergency rose I was always bragged on for my quick thinking and calmness. Where is all that??? I don't mean to sound all whooshy. But where the heck did I go????? I don't even recognize who Ive become. The thoughts I have. My I don't give a $hit attitude.
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Hmmm how am I doing today???? Horrible....I so wish I was able to do this with a smile on my face like so many do. Why can't I? Never in my wildest dreams...would I ever have thought this would be so hard for me to handle...me...which has always proudly called myself a "career caregiver" nh I worked for was gonna pay for nursing school....but oh no thank you. I didn't want to push the pencil...it wasn't my thing. I didn't want to be responsible for the charting and the big stuff...my favorite part was the people I cared for. The people I worked with...even my family always told me I had a gift for dealing with the elderly. Alhiemers??my fav. I was fascinated with learning about them.so why am I all thumbs with this??? Why,has my "gift" turned onto something I hate??? Everyone told her what a lucky girl she was...her neighbors told her she cared for me in the nh...your lucky I wanted to take her home(revering to me)
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Good Morning Posse!

Doing a drive-by this morning......hubby is taking me to lunch later....woohoo! I get to put on real clothes and shoes, instead of my comfy stuff...lol.

burned.....sounds like you are having stressor headaches......horribly painful and debilitating. Make sure you are eating properly and drinking lots of fluids. A drop in blood sugar or a bit of dehydration can make those headaches worse......the brain MUST take a bath in sugar constantly or it doesn't work right. Have you considered finding a new doctor for yourself....one that will listen to your problems and make the effort to help you? Might be worth looking into.

notlike.....let us know how Mom's chemo goes. I'm glad to hear she is feeling better. When the col was still home, she would go to bed around 10pm and I would have "me" time then until about midnight and sleep until 7....never rested well. Then when we put her in the NH in Oct, I was sleeping 10 hours a night but since then I have gone back to maybe 6 hours and that is interrupted by tossing and turning and looking at the ceiling. I have the advantage of being able to do nothing during the day, but I still exist in a state of "tired"....I think we all do.

Lori....welcome and glad to see you here. You're not alone in your frustrations. I have a brother and sister who were like your sister with my mother....she died Dec 2010.....and when Mom died you would have thought those two were the only children and had done everything....brother stopped seeing Mom years ago and I'm surprised sister could remember how to find the NH. You will fit right in here....

ladee.....hope Marie is a good girl today. And I haven't looked at the weather yet, but hope it's good for taking Sonny out. Have a good day!

I hope to see a check-in from the rest of our friends today....hint, hint........

Happy Trails,
Jam
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notlike, let us know this evening how things went with mom today.... and we just stay tired I think....
overslept myself this morning so have to get going.... hugs and agels to you all.
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Blessings to everyone and prayers for strength and peace. I'm not awake enough yet for individual posts. Welcome and keep coming to the new people. We are here with you on this journey.
Today is chemo day. Mom feels better so we're going. And maybe get some answers about the CT scan report.
How did I go to sleep an hour early and still wake up tired?
Have a good day everyone.
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Lori, welcome and I am sorry that your sis feels the way she does.... and acts the way she does.... guess we all have a sib or two that makes you wonder where they came from.... please come back and share what's going on with you and your mom, maybe we can help with some suggestions for your mom's loneliness.... Has she stayed away for all the time you have had your mom living with you..... ??? Come back and let us get to know you and vice versa.... hugs to you.....
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Linda, you have been in our thoughts and prayers... this is just too much to handle, hope your family is coping as well as can be expected.... so many things in life just make no sense.... how is Pa??? And YOU, how are you doing with your world falling apart around you....??? Just know you are thought about, prayed for and am sending angels to help you with your broken heart.....hugs....
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Well ...I had to take a nap earlier this evening....my son and my husband went on a rampage and acting like i am not doing enough etc all at once i got hit with a migraine and a panic attack... I guess he is tired of me doing the foot work etc for the team that suppose to work with me but then no one gives a damn in my family or his...when he gets like that he just intensifies the stress I am going through is more than enough....good news may have a semi regular babysitter so I won't have to rely on pill popping neighbor....but at least the kids will be burned out and ready for bed...this is one of the days that the end of the rope was much shorter than I expected Peace N God Bless..
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hi jam , seemeride, ladeeda ,,
thank you for the hugs and prayers ,
means alot to me .
big bear hugs to you .
xoxox
rossella - ouch ! fallin off the chair . bet it woke u up lol ,
love you rossella . hugs and kisses to you dear xoxoox
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Hi folks, I'm just beginning my role as care giver, although my Mom has lived with me for 15 yrs. I'm good today, but by the time Friday arrives it may be a different story. I have a sister that lives a few blocks away and has no interest in visiting Mom. I ran into her and her husband, a couple weeks ago at the grocery store, and I told them I was getting ready to hire someone to come visit Mom twice a week while I'm at work. I informed them that I thought that Mom was dying from loneliness. No response from either one of them. I can't imagine how they can be that uncaring? Mom always thinks of them, pick up extra at the store so I can make extra for xxxx, breaks my heart.
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Welcome CG10.......we are a varied and diverse group here.....with lots of support to give out and plenty of compassion to share. We range from those still care giving in their home to care giving outside the home, to those who have recently lost their loved one to others like me who have placed a loved one in a nursing home. So we have a wide range of experience to share. Sometimes it's impossible to not fall off the deep end......and you will find the occasional discussions on chicken butt warmers and housebreaking puppies and rock hunting and scaring old people by wearing antlers.......for the most part as ladee says, we come here to stay sane, that's not to say we haven't bounced our foreheads off the wall a time or two....but this is a good place to pull up a chair and visit a while.
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welcome CG10, you have joined a thread where few of us have a life either, so at least you will know you are not alone.... and you make those changes... I am also in the process of making some changes, my stress level can not be like it was last year... or , like you, I won't even be here....
So join us and let us know how you are, and say what you need to say..... this is the place we gather to stay sane.... well, sort of sane.... hugs to you
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I am in the same place of AnitaK, I have been living this life for 3 years now and I am becoming very intolerant.... I feel zero energy these days. Anita, my mother is like yours. She has no more interests, she doesn't like children anymore - and she loved them. The only thing she would like to do is to be with her relatives, but her relatives don't want to see her. I am tired, too, and it seems to me I have lived the same day for the last 3 years. Always the same day.
Stormy don't worry for your medical problem. It will certainly be something which goes away with some antibiotics. i agree with the others, something must be done for your niece - FOR HER. If you don't stop her, she will put herself in major troubles. By keeping it quiet, you don't make her a favour.
ASG I am happy to see you are still a sweet and compassionate person after all you went through.
Burnedin, I am so sorry and worried for you.
Vic, I admire your energy and courage...
Ladee we can't live in the country. We can't stand what people do to animals... Stories of ordinary and daily cruelties.
Caregiver10, try to keep the "independence" you have (2 separate apartments) as long as you can....
Sorry my head is empty tonight. I have to work. Kisses everyone
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Caregiver 10 hasn't had a break from CAREGIVING all of 2010. Not one week a few days NOTHING!!! I have one brother and he does not feel compassionate in the least about my state of well being. The only thing I am able to do is if there are social things happening at night, dances, parties, social events I try to take advantage of it. I don't even get to visit my daughter who lives out of state, I only get to see her when she comes home, which she does about four times a year. My Mother lives in her own apartment but unable to take care of herself. I live around the corner (literally) I spend everyday and mostly all day monitoring her. Making meals, running errands, taking her to hairdresser, doctor, church , store family getttogethers, etc. There is a homemaker 10 hours a week and daycare 2 days a week. But there is so much more to cover in order for her to stay healthy and in a good state of mind. I constantly sacrifice my well being for hers. She is very selfish and wants all my attention. I don't have a husband, had a few boyfriends over the years and don't really spend time with friends like I should always worried about what could happen. I guess you ask why doesn't she live with me ? Because I probably wouldn't be writing this testimony i would be 6 feet under !!! I am hoping this year I will make some changes , I don't think I can put her in a nursing home (to co-dependent) but an alternavtive enviornment where she will have a home health aid as a companion instead of me. (Pray for me). And then I could go back to being a daughter..
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Vic ditto to what ladeeda said.
Stormy ditto to what Jam said. You're most certainly welcome.

Everyone else I hope things are good where ever you're at. Got some more work to do and then maybe I can rest some.
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Thanks ladee lou...needed that
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Vic, was thinking of your dad today.... I feel so bad for him, he has so much going on in one little body..... so regardless of how things go sometimes, never, never underestimate all you do for him and your mom.... I don't know of any other daughter that would clean the house before the housekeeper got there , just to make her mom happy..... you're an inspitation.... to so many of us on here... love, hugs and angels, your heathen friend......
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