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allshesgot, thanks for the clarification about your brother. There are new meds for ADHD, plus that might not even be the correct diagnosis since there is a fine line between it and bipolar I.

The more I read about your ex, the less I like him. A family like the Anthony family tend to produce narcissists or borderlines.
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Anita...welcome. I understand where you are at. No shame in that. Its kinda nice being able to let it out. Nothing wrong with a nursing home. You can still be her caregiver but from a different vantage point. Don't let yourself feel that way. Sometimes it time to let over people do the dirty work...and you just be the daughter.
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Yeah...we didn't know about his drug problem when I married him. That was one of hose skeletons in the closet. He was sober when we met. I had absolutely no knowledge of drugs or what people was like when on them. Its sad now cause I can point them out in the store. Yes she has said that was a bad decision. She knew somthing was off but didn't know what it was. I was charmed to death by him. And no it wasn't any better in front of people. Almost worse. During my pregnacys it would esscilate. That's what happened in the end. I was pregnant and it got worse and worse.
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allshesgot, I'm glad you let them form their own opinions which is not what my mother did after she divorced my dad when I was three. I ended up absorbing much of her anger toward him and it took me years to actually see that and deal with it. My dad on the other hand never ran down my mother. When I asked questions, he would give me answer without any obvious emotions. Your ex, like you say, might not be capable of bonding. Take care of yourself and the children.
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Nt My brothers only issues are he tardiness...the other issues were from the ex. That's what I meant was...the ex claimed it was his adhd that caused his behavior...I was saying my brother had adhd and it didn't cause him to be a criminal.
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I think he would be more mentally abusive of them. And play games. Like when my daughter was 5a he saw them for the first time. A supervised visit. He took them outta ear shot of everyone else. And told my daughter to give mommy a message. So she tells me he says to tell you mommy,that you look nice and he will be seeing you soon. Now to someone who's never been in the situation I was in that message sounds polite,but it wasn't intended that way. Its hard to explain but that message was a threat. His lawyer had a field day when me and my attorney reported it. I was so so mad...and hurt cause it was like a slap in the face. He put on his crocodile tears and said he was trying to be nice. Anyways. Supposedly some doctors diagnosed him with it(the court had ordered a mental evelyn over one of his criminal cases). I have said before his family reminds me of the anthoney family. No matter what happens its all rainbows and gum drops. I was told onetime that there are just certain things we leave as skeletons in the closet and that everyone has them.
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C mag..no my brother isn't medicated for his adhd back in the day when he was a kid and diagnose my mother was terrified of rittalin. So he has managed it himself. She actually worked with him and taught him to recognize when he is being especially hyper and he kinda withdraws to himself. Its kinda weird but it kept him from annoying people when he was a kid. But no didn't help him a whole lot in the tardiness issues. Or the making rash decisions. He still does that. But was never a criminal. So I always knew that excuse for the ex husband was baloney. They don't have to see him much. In the divorce I got sole custody. He only has supervised. Which he didn't use,but see him sometimes at the his family home. We divorced soon after our 2nd child was born so he was never around him. Our oldest child was 3 so she didn't remember him. Over the years I never told them about him. So they could form there own opinions...that way if he did straiten up and was good to them I didn't want them to hate him because of my situation. Turns out they liked seeing him when they were like 5 and would see him for like 30 min at a time. Last time be got outta jail they saw him for longer periods of time more often. His mother wanted so bad for them to get to know him. It backfired. They can't stand him. I hate it. But saw it coming. It not that he would be mean to him directly. Just has no sense of bond to them. I really don't know what he would be capable of. I want to say he wouldn't ever hurt them physically...but I never thought he would me either.
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Thank you for your warm comments, suggestions, love and hugs. I have filled out my profile now - didn't see that first. My mom has most always been a home body and now has no interest in doing anything. A couple years ago, I mentioned to her about going to the senior center and she didn't want to go. She also isn't interested in going to church anymore. She is very hard of hearing and she moves like cold molasses. Her only interest in doing "find the word" puzzles. I have my youngest granddaughter (almost 3) here a couple days a week and my mom doesn't even express any interest in her and she is precious - if anyone can provide a spark in your life, it is the little one. Its very sad. I so hope that I don't become my mother. I am quite active and try to keep my mind busy. Maybe that is part of my frustration with her now - that I don't want to become her. I have one brother and he stops by about every 6 weeks for a couple hrs and has never offered to provide any care or spend any time with her. I am fortunate that my husband is willing to stay with mom if I need to be out or have a class to teach and the sitter isn't available. My stress is taking its toll on me and our relationship in that I am not very patient with him either. I visited a home back last summer but at that time she was still higher functioning that most everyone there and I just couldn't bring myself to place her. I have her on the waiting list at a very good home where my dad was (he died in '05) but she is #7 after being on the list for 14 months starting at # 22. I am glad that I found this site and thank you again for your support. Hugs, A
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I finally got to get out of here for a few hours, and ya'll know the car was weighed down with new rocks... and Jam when i got home, I took the all out and put them wiith the cow bones..... (another reason the pard residents don't have anything to do with me... ye haw) heard an owl, donkeys, cows, someone was seperating the mama's and the new calves for shots.... had to leave that area, the babies were bawling for thier mama's.... nice breeze, just a great day for time with God... though of all of you, said prayers for you all..... I would trade places with each of you for awhile so you could enjoy some country quite , but I get to keep the rocks....
Welcome to all the new posters, everyone has something to say, to contribute, and we all learn from each other.... for the most part this is a very positive thread and that is something I need in my dad to day stuff....
hugs and angels to help you carry your load....
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Anita- I know how you feel. I hate that i feel the same way too alot of times. Me and my sister have been taking care of my dad for almost 2 years or it will be next month. I hate sometimes that it gets to that point but it does. I too have a sitter that comes during the week(late in the afternoon) i come in the morning and stay til she gets here. We always said that we would never put our parents in a nursing home. Dad is not bad enough to do that, yet he is not well enough to live on his own. Just kinda stuck. So i definenely understand where you are coming from. Come back and visit with us. Love and hugs stormyyyy
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Welcome Anita.....crazy isn't it how one day they can be completely lucid and the next you are wondering where your loved one went and who they left in their place? You sound exactly what I was going through before we had to place my mil in a NH. She started falling and since I can't lift over 25lbs, we had to make changes. I think yelling just comes with the territory. Either they are hard of hearing or the batteries in their "ears" are dead. Do you find that you talk in an unusually loud voice to others? I did.....husband would look at me and ask why I was yelling at him. And it's hard to get a shiny-hiney when they're sitting on it. Don't be afraid to say what you are feeling.....that's why we are here....to walk this journey with you. You might fill out your profile so that we know a little more about you and your situation.....and come back to visit.....we always leave the light on.
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Anita,sounds like some serious burn out, so glad you have reached out to like minded people who really do understand how you feel.... four years is a long time, and if a few days a week is not enough then hopefully you can get someone in for more days... do you have a respite center in your area??? someone that can take her for a week or a few days, someplace safe that you wouldn't worry about her saftey....
Do you have family that can help... it would help us a lot if you filled out your profile and we wouldn't have to ask so many questions.....
come back and vent all you need to, it's much better for you and for her..... we all know they can't help it, but it doesn't diminsh our stress level....
so, welcome and come back , as Jam says, we'll leave the light on for ya... hugs..
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Today has not been a good day in caregiving for my mom. It amazes me how one day to the next her cognitive skills "go", not deteriorate just go. This morning, she couldn't figure out how to stand in the shower from the transfer bench. I yelled at her and I don't yell at her. Part of it, her hearing is impaired so I have to raise my voice for her to hear, at least that's what I keep telling myself but this morning I actually yelled at her. If she can't stand in the shower, we can't wash her butt; if we can't wash her butt - how do I keep her here. I am so tired after 4 years of having her here and I don't even like her anymore. This feels awful to say. I really don't want to put her in a home but I also don't want to get to the place that I dislike my mother. I have a sitter that comes several times a week but somehow that doesn't feel enough. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
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Not in the mood to be over here today.... 6 more hours to go. Been here since 12:30. hugs stormyyyy
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ASG......who diagnosed the "new" problem? I lost that part in the translation.....:)
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surprise my neighbor came by to pick up my kids this morning....still unsure but I have someone in mind to take over as a baby sitter so hubby and I can attend appts in peace for him. He is having ok morning still some pain and his color his off some....looks like I am gonna have to force him to use his nebulizer treatment....the night before i accidentally let out my frustration and forgetting he had a break through seizure episode he tends to be emotional....i apologize but i told him its not just him...its everything....i do not feel that I am the mother I should be...I do not think I am doing enough for him or the kids....just all over board at least i get to pick up my refill...I just wish I could get my doc to understand that antidepressant doesn't cover my panic attacks.. oh well he is a guy what do i expect...he knows some of my position in the family yet doesn't want to medicate his patients....lol
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Hello to all .My mother seems to be doing well in the Rehab. Have a meeting with them on Thursday of this week. They'll let me know if she is making any progress and if they expect for her to make any further progress. I really can't see us bringing her home. I really don't think it would be fair to my family as I think her care would be too much for me. This facility is very nice and quite expensive. I'm sure they will let me know about the cost and if I can keep her there. I would really not like moving her as I am sure it would be confusing for her. I have been going everyday sometime twice a day to see about her. She seems okay but a little sad when I leave. This of course makes me feel very guilty. She hasn't said anything just gets a little quiet and doesn't say much when I leave. My mother doesn't do anything. I took magazines for her but don't think she has even looked at them. Does any one have a thought about something she might find interesting? I am going to take her a plant. Thought maybe she would enjoy it.
I appreciate your help; I don't want her to feel forgotten. Thanks, Carol
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allshesgot, the ADHD would directly contribute to your brother's tardiness to work, but not the other things you describe. Does he take any meds for his ADHD?

That was cruel of your mom to sign those papers because she could see through the man and knew he would not be around long. I'm sorry that you fell into the I'm going to rescue him from his drugs role which is not unusual. His parents seem to be in great denial about their son. I wish you kids did not have to see him. Is there any way to prevent that? Just off the top of my head, I wonder if your ex does not have an undiagnosed personality disorder which he is trying to self medicate with drugs. How old are your children? Was he mean to them too? Did he act real nice in public but like hell at home? If so, then that is very likely borderline personality disorder and most men with that are in prison. If he was just a pain to everyone in public and at home, then he might be a narcissist.
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Oops sorry that was so long and poorly written. I hope you can follow. I kept being interrupted by col twin.
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Oops...sorry...I mean managed to hold down a job although he had a good job its gone now anhe had anto awsome understanding boss.he can't seem to find anyone to hire him now. Anyways...its because of his tardy record not because he can't show ip to work sober. So I always called bluff on the a.d.h.d thing causing him to break into homes beat and rape women,its it common for people who suffer from his new diagnosis to be that way?
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Anyways..he turned out being an extremely abusive person...think third world country abusive. I still never came to terms with some if it. And have up a long time ago on trying. I just put it past me. Anyways. Now I don't normal let people know my story because they stereotype me and assume if I was married to a dope head I was one to. But this wasn't true. I didn't grow up around it...didn't like it...and spent our whole marrige trying to "save him" from his diseases. Drug addiction,and adhd. This is what his fam would say when I would be bout to leave him. Now they tell me (after years of marring and abusing other young women, being their,being on drugs. You name it he has been caught..but not completely proven...about every kinda crime you can think of.So anyways...evertime time he gets in trouble...his mom finds a new diagnosis for him.now they've been wrong all these years...he has bi polar instead of the other problems they bought he has had. So with this"new"diagnosis they are going to fix himIts a miracle they say!!!problem is that was a while back and he still can't handle life. He stay stay outta trouble...drugs...theiveing...my kids hate having to see him. Thank god it has to be supervised. Thank god these visits are very limited. Anyways. My question is this. I have always suspected he was just a mean horrible criminal. My brother was adhd he was never on drug..managed to hold down a job....and wasn't a their.
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Cmag...I have a question...or your opinion rather. Coming from a person who suffers from that disease. A lot of people don't know that I am was divorced. I married when I was young 17 I still remember my mom signing the papers for me. Not because she liked him...not because I Had to marry...but because she could see through him,she was sure he was playing a game between them and me and if it came right down to it he would run.
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Vic...one of the things that hurts annie the most is her church has all but abandoned her. It gone through several preachers the last few years and they have lost touch with her. I have taken her a couple times for kids programs and they would try to talk to her..the knew ones introduce themselves and she would get a real spiteful hateful tone with them...I can't remember what was said..basically they introduced themselves told her it was nice meeting her and she would give them this evil eagle eye thing and in her snappiest voice say its been a long time....they would kind just blink...blink...and excuse themselves. I can't imagine their thoughts. They have no clue,they think she's nuts I know. As
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Zoe.....yes we have so many things in common for a group if people as diverse as we are. Its absoulutly wonderful. Some people do this cargiving stuff without flinching others do it pulling their hair out..but we all get along here.learn from each other.appreciate the differences,and comfort in the similarities. We can be ourselves here,without fear knowing that any other opinions will be strictly outta caring for one another and not for bashing. So like Jam said pull up a chair and let us get to know ya.
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Good Morning Posse!

Everyone has such wonderful posts this morning......and of course you all know how much I love playing the devil's advocate....:) I am like the rest of you in that when I went on "medical retirement" my friends disappeared and then with the care giving it was like I was on island all by myself. None of us thought a few years ago that we would be where we are now. But when we were there, how much thought did we give or even know about some of our friends who might be care giving? I know I didn't. I didn't have time. Sometimes I think it was all part of God's plan for my care giving of the col......we were in the process of finishing her house and making arrangements to move her when I became injured....I had 2 weeks to get treatment for myself and take care of some medical problems going on with Target before she came to us full-time. Because of my work schedule I would not have had time to care for her without risking my own well-being. I honestly believe that if one has never done care giving in the past or not doing it now.....is only offering lip service when they say "I'm sorry for the burden you carry of care giving"...not one of them says "let me come and relieve you for awhile because I know you need some time away"..........they haven't got a clue until they actually do it themselves. And there isn't a one of us who would stand up and say "it's not okay to make me feel like an outsider, so why don't you give me some attention"....so we do become isolated.....and pretty soon all those people have forgotten that we still need them in our lives and we end up depressed, lonely and like River....crocheting chicken butt warmers......let's face it...we are a special, unique bunch of people, who have found a common bond and for most of us this is where we will find some relief from the feelings of isolation. We don't fit in well anymore outside of the circle of care giving and I truly don't think those on the outside want to be reminded that could be in their immediate future!

Welcome to our new posters.......hope you find a place here.....we'll leave the light on for you!

Football today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Trails,
Jam
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Me too! Hubby, friend from high schoo and friend from kids high school and frond other dear friend. We are so blessed!
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Vic, I can count my best friends beyond my wife on one hand. One from high school. One from college. One from graduate school. One from Tae Kwon Do, and one colleague.
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Yep and I know what you mean.. Being here is a gift from god for all us caregivers. Friends mean well.. They are just in their own little live and we aren't a part of that circle anymore
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Vic, have you ever seen the commercial about friends. It begins with a huge crowd of friends and talks about how we have friends that we do various things with which leads it to being a smaller and smaller group to where the person is all alone. The commercial ends with but where are the friends when mental illness strikes? Having bipolar II disorder creates some of my sense of isolation. I've gotten away from telling people that I'm on disability and more often tell them that I'm on medical retirement. Being on this site helps me in my struggle with feeling isolated.
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I agree, Marie will not believe anything I say, unless a Dr. validates it.... guess they don't like us young 'whipersnappers' telling them things like that... like Vic says, oh well.
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