This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Yeah Ro, things did start off bad for us, but one day I sat down and talked with her about how hard it is to let a stranger in your house, that trust has to be built, and that I knew if she had her way, she would be up and doing things herself.... I told her I do understand that, I have been doing this for so many years, and I know the adjustments some have to go thru.... so slowly it has turned around... now when she is impatient or grumpy I ask her if she is feeling bad, does her hip hurt, ect... and looking back I also see where she resented that I could do for Sonny and she couldn't....they have been married for 63 years, how hard for her to let someone else tend to her husband... so bull in a china shop I can be sometimes I do understand the adjustments she was going thru... and I had just lost Ruth 8 days before starting to work for her...had a lot on my plate too at that time.... so as long as we have worked it out, the past is the past.....and I am sure there are times that I came across dumb as a sack of rocks because I had so much on my mind at that time....
She told me how to slice the apples( I already knew how), reminded me a number of times about this or that, but I also know she was having a good time...and when Sonny was eating some of the cake for dessert I told him Marie baked it, he looked up and smiled, told him she deserved an extra smooch today for doing a good job, she laughed, he laughed and it was a good day....
And also Ro, I am so grateful to know there is laughter in your home again... Dorothy is a furry angel.....sent to you..... love ya...
Brandy, what a good attitude you have and sounds like you know when you have had enough... go to the gym, enjoy yourself.... and get onto that aide for the house being a mess....tell her you will start paying her according to what she does...lol...
So, the week was good, the respite helped me and Marie. Good things happen, we just have to give it time.....
Will check back in later....hope everyone had a good day.... love ya'll
On the other hand, this morning my mother had to take her weekly shower, she didn't want it, and I was in my room and I heard her screaming like a soprano. When my mother is particularly upset, she sings like a soprano! She changes her voice! Unbelievable.
Ladee, I am very happy you are making friends with Marie. Sometimes you start very badly and you get better with time. One of my best friends is a woman (we met more than 30 years ago!) with whom I fought all the time when we were young. We really fought a lot. Our friendship survived, I don't know why, now we absolutely love each other and I would jump in the fire for her and she would jump in the fire for me. As far as Spanish is concerned... I am sorry I don't know spanish at all, just a few words! I want to try to learn it sooner or later, just for fun.
Sheila, lots of my cousins and my brother and SIL and nephews have been in Chicago and they love that town. But I must say they have been there in summer.
Jam, don't worry too much about the cat. He must have found a shelter. There are stray cats here, that I feed. When they hear the engine of my car, I see them comng out of kind of burrows - I think those are rabbits'burrows. There are many rabbits who escape the farms and many of them manage to survive somehow! If you continue to feed the cat, though, sooner or later he will come to your house! Perhaps he is "studying" your dogs to see if it is safe to come closer.
Seeme, we are looking forward to see your dogs who will be the most spoiled in the world.
Burned... What can I tell you? A very banal thing... Good luck for everything!
Good luck to all of us! We are all living a hell of a life - to some extent and various degrees.
Just a quick hello to let everyone know I'm thinking of you as you go through your trials today from cake baking to folding clothes to dealing with bureaucracy...
It's now worked itself up to 11 degrees here...back into the 50's by the weekend...no snow dances for mis.
Yes Vic......it will be medium blue, darker apricot and since the couch is white that is it on the colors. Found a throw rug with the exact colors I want. A throw and pillows for the couch, then I'm done.
ladee.....think that cake can make it through the mail? Going to have to make one now I guess since you have me in the mood. I have a recipe that was my ex-mil's for an apple-oatmeal cake that is to die for.
Hope y'all have a terrific, peace-filled day!
Happy Trails,
Jam
burned......hanag in there firl. At least someone is listening to you and realizing problems with hubby. Sending strength to you...
Vic....got some sleep...hope it was enough to tackle today.....
I won't have a showerfor the dogs, but will probably put a pink and blue bow on the mailbox....the local way to post announcements!! The breeder's last name is Shore. We will name the male Harley and the female Dyna. Hubby's first harley was a Dyna Glide. That makes the female a Dyna Shore!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA We will have Dorothy Lamour and Dyna Shore!!!!!!
Marie has been battling this for over 8 years, I know this is why she gets depressed sometimes, I would if I was her.... I do know that the transfusions help, but I know how hard the sitting all day is on her too, don't know how your dad would do with all that... but they do help....
Burned, sorry to hear of more problems... let us know how you are holding up... alot on your plate.... prayers...
Ro, can you teach me Spanish, I need to know what's going on in the neighborhood.....haven't had to call the cops all week... but it is the weekend... deep sigh...
Marie's house is going to smell good with the cake baking today... hope she has some fun doing it.... in many ways it will be a turning point.... and I think she may have actually missed me a little on my respite days.... as long as we are moving forward, no complaints...
Mis, don't envy you having to go thru gma's stuff, hope you are doing ok, let us know how you are....
Yeah, we are going to be gma's of puppies here soon... can't wait.... better get busy on those very large booties .....
Jam, hope the bees leave you alone today, hopefully the snow yesterday slowed them down....
hugs to everyone.... later.....
Ladee Lou that is what dad has but evidently is is coming mor from kidneys..thanks Notlike as that is what is going on.
Maybe will tackle folding of laundry soon....
Burned...ditto on what everyone says..me thoughts and prayers are with you and hubby!
Today is moms hair day...no sitter so I will load dad up..hopefully he will be a little perkier. Maybe even get his hair cut if not Will keep him bundled in the car. As I have to get a few things at the store. Will have sitter here tomorrow..can go vegetate at my house and fold those clothes or just maybe put them on the bed ..maybe go visit a dear friend for a bit.
Dad had b12 shot for his pernicious anemia yesterday so maybe by tomorrow he will seem a little better.
Jam ..you decided on colors for the col's brown room?
Starri..hope your neighbors got home safe.
Seeme..are you gonna invite the neighborhood to the puppy shower?! Let us know what you didn't buy! We will send cyber toys! Hahaha
Love and pray for the best day possible for all.
notlike keeping thoughts and prayers for your family.
ladeeda glad that Marie is being good and that you're going to be baking that cake and that Sonny helped with the dishes. Are you gonna share some of that cake with us?
Jam- thanks for sending us the snow.
Seeme- Are you going to have a puppy shower to welcome the little ones? That one would be fun.
My hubby and I got all of the legal stuff taken care of expect we have one more appointment to go on Wednesday. This weekend we're going to find ourselves going through Grandma's things and we've decided that the majority of her stuff we're donating to the hospice thrift store instead of goodwill. Then when the weather breaks we're going to have a yard sale for the rest of her things. Grandma put in her will that she wanted us to have the house. My hubby was worried that we'd have to sell it, but we don't have too.
Grandma saved everything and I mean everything so I'll let you all use your imaginations of what a task my hubby and i have to go through.
I've got laundry to do to well the hubby does. It's been hard for me to go up and downstairs plus my foot has been bothering me for the last couple of days. It doesn't help with the change of the weather so I'll just keep hobbling away.
Ladee-I'll take a side of snow with my apple cake. Seriously, glad things are improving.
Vic-good for you for being informed! It's not always easy because there is so much different info out there. What is the issue with the kidneys? Sorry if I've missed that. I do know the kidneys produce the hormone that stimulates the bone marrow to actually start producing red blood cells. If the kidneys can't make enough of the hormone anymore, then less red blood cells get made and there is anemia. Hope that explanation helps.
Burned-prayers for your husband's heart and for your caring one, too.
Seeme-I have three 12 year old dogs here. Want to care for them sometime? LOL With all the holiday visitors, hubby calls it our Bed & Breakfast and Retirement Home.
Dad's appointment went very well. Scheduling another sleep study, this time with a C-pap machine and maybe oxygen at night because he doesn't breathe well enough when he's sleeping. Doctor was extremely nice. We are so lucky.
My uncle is not having a formal memorial service. The remaining sibs are going to church and brunch on Sunday. So my part will probally be taking Mom to her church while Dad is busy. That's do-able. I have been talkign alot with Dad and will continue to support him emotionally.
Night all. Sleep well.
And hopefully we will be getting birth announcements from seeme in a couple of months. Woohoo!
It's cold and blustery here...all of 18 degrees. No more snow....sent it all north. Dogs aren't enjoying this much either. And since I have to carry the blind doggie out, it's just pretty darn miserable. A couple of weeks ago, I saw a cat wandering around the property and spent quite a while today trying to entice it to come to the house, it's killing me watching it out there in this weather, no such luck, so the kitty got to dine on a submarine sandwich in the snow....:).
Going back to lurking...:).....have a terrific evening, all of you!
It will get down in the 20's tonight... but no snow, thank goodness, we are letting notlikemom have all she wants...
check back later, hugs....
Sheila, I busted out laughing about the laundry... I thought I was the only one that let it set than long.... I have very little room here, but the drawers in the bedroom are empty, but I can find what I need in the laundry basket.....so thanks for helping me not to feel alone... even about laundry....
And Ro, you are right about baking with a friend... it was her idea which made it even more special... we weren't able to do it today, but will tomorrow, will have more time..... and guess what else.. she has been excersing every day... she just seems in such better spirits...
I know what she has has a technical name, maybe jam knows, I've only heard the family refer to is as pre-lukemia....She has been diagnosised for over 8 years, started out as anemia like you dad, but without the kidney problems...she fell and broke her hip a little over a year ago. With the first surgery she kept telling the Dr. something was wrong, she was still in too much pain, it took her childern getting upset with the Dr. before they exrayed her again to find out that something in the artificial hip had broken off!!!!! Can you imagine.... they did another surgery, but I think by then she was pretty depressed.... but she gets up and around a little now instead of setting in her chair all day...
today she was on a rant about tatoos, she has stong opinions and has no problem voiceing them, about mid way thru she just stops talking, I am busy in the kitchen so I look up her,, then she says you don't have any tatoos do you, no ma'm, then off she goes again... finished by saying, " I'm just old-school".... lol... no way a few months ago would she be talking that much..... things are just GOOD and I am grateful.... Sonny wanted to help clean the kitchen after lunch, so I washed, he dried.... the look on Marie's face was priceless... she let it be known he had NEVER picked up a dish towel when SHE needed help... but she was joking... she rarely fusses at him at all anymore, and when she does, I know she is in pain... so we try to get that under control....
Notlikemom ~ Put laundry away right away? Interesting concept. I have a pile of clean laundry that has clothes in it that don't even fit me anymore!
Here in Chicagoland, we've got our first snow of the year. My house is part of a circle of homes in which the backyards all face each other, so, when I look out of my patio door, I see this huge expanse of everyones' backyards. It's quite stunning when there's a new snowfall. That THAT, my friends, is the ONLY thing I like about winter in Chicago. I always say it's one of Fate's cruelties that had me born in Chicago, when I'm a California girl at heart.
Good for you! Ship some cake here.
I loved Nancy's apple pies... I have never been able to make one like she did! They looked exactly like the pies of Grandma Duck.
Poor Marie Ladee..just thinking about transfusion and having to take other drugs to reduce the amount of iron..treatments can be a two edged sword!
Can't wait to hear about the apple cake! Just love to cook fun stuff but have no energy to do so! Always tomorrow right! And for those cloths..well..one load in basket one in dryer and one finished in washer...ho hum
Diva is about as spoiled as they come, lol, a heating pad? mine are rotten, but they don't get a heating pad.rofl.. they have plenty of places at home to curl up and snuggle into a blanket.
I'm with you, clothes get put away the same day? have a stack of stuff still sitting here on the bench.
Our neighbor here got to go home yesterday, home is Canada, he developed double pneumonia somehow, they've had him on a respirator and in a drug induced coma. Their flying him home in a air ambulance, his wife got to fly with him, I am thrilled about that, I know how I would be if I were not allowed to go with hubby, and that is a seriously long drive she would have had to go on. Their son is here with them, so he can close up the house for the season.
It's weird, at home we left the a/c on energy so that when the temps got high, it would kick on and help to keep the humidity out of the house, here when the snow birds close up for the summer, they take those 55 gallon trash cans and fill them full of water to help keep things from drying out.
Hope everyone has had a restful evening and has a wonderful day.
I will set out everything she needs on the table, and let her teach me how this is done from scratch....things have been going good in that area, which I have shared before, but this is a milestone.... just wanted to share some good news...
notlike, you mean the laundry is supposed to be put away the same day???? Hmmmm..... Am happy to hear you are doing so well... you have come a long long way since we first met you.... very happy for you, hugs and angels to you...
Vic, hope the diaper nightmare is soon solved,and Sheila, Ruth had a king sized bed also... I slept in the other bedroom..... and I finally convinced the family she needed a hospital bed, with rails, as she was starting to get up during the night and get into stuff... I had a monitor in my room and hers, but she could be a Sneaky Pete when she wanted to do something....but it was much easier on the back and the light bill... so hope you find a solution soon..
And Jam, you send that snow all over the place but here, no one knows what to do with snow here, things come to a stop..... and Austin is a nightmare with all the traffic accidents.....
It is cold here this morning, my little heaters putting out some warm, will be glad to get to Maries with the central heat.... have put out a heating pad for the Diva , as I turn the heaters off when I am gone... she just looked at it like,
"what ARE you thinking???".... but am afraid to leave the heaters on while I am gone.... it's not much, but it's the only home I have....
Ok, need to get going... love to everyone and and stay warm today.... hugs and angels....
Burned..seems every time things start to level off for you something else happens..prayers prayers and more prayers!!
Notlike..hope you got some sleep last night and that you feel better today.. So sorry about dads half brother. Have had to do the same taking parents to funerals.. Another thing to add to the list
Ladee..yeah his primary care doc had dad's records..but guess they didn't go back and I never even thought of it until I was digging around in dad's files to see what I could find for the hematologist. Oh well
Night went well..dad seemed more restful so much had to get up and check! Put pads on either side to help with the side flow..shouldn't have cut in half..as today's bath will have gummy things in it... Oh and Sheila..hope you get a twin bed soon...all that laundry..so sorry ughhhhh
If Mom keep feeling well, maybe I can arrange a weekend away for them. Hubby and I can't afford to leave. It's getting to be the time of year when he gets laid off and we really need a roof on this house. I am enjoying any bit of time I spend with friends, but being gone just puts me farther behind around here. Although I am learning not to care if the laundry doesn't get put away for days. LOL
Have a great day everyone.