This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
RW, we are trying to figure out where to place ME, I am older than both of them, so as my caregiving days wind down, I will need a place to stay... I take care of Alz. patients, so will try to help you if I can, but many on this thread take care of family with Alz.... I am so tired and forgetful we'll never know if I get it...no, I have had four days off and I feel ready to go again... much needed respite for me... almost waited too long....
Am looking forward to seeing my sonny man tomorrow... He won't remember me, I walk out of the room and walk back in and he forgets I was there 10 seconds ago... I am going to approach Marie again about him and I going to the Senior Center... he is getting depressed with no stimulation... he didn't want to go outside last week and that is not good.... and he is sleeping more.... hope Marie did ok with me gone all those days... I'll make up for my lost day this week because she will need a blood transfusion so at least one late day.... but it does feel good to be rested...
So back in the trenches tomorrow... it has rained all day, this spring is going to be beautiful, we are still not out of the drought, beleive it or not... so , rain, keep comin'. Don't think I can do another summer like the last one.....
Ok, have to go to bed here soon... love and hugs...
Mis, you will be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow, hope you can check in in a few days and let us know how you and hubby are.....
Now you all have to put on your decorating thinking caps.....I'm putting a few changes into the col's house and need some ideas. The walls are pale apricot, the trim is a beautiful medium oak stain, the carpet is a dark beige (?), one window has chocolate curtains, hung with large grommets on both sides, the middle curtain is white background with a chocolate swirl pattern. What color (s) for throw pillows, throw rug, centerpiece on dining table, cover for table.....have to use a table cover until I decide what to do with it.....years ago it belonged to Luther Burbank's sister, so being an antique I'm not sure what to do with it. Paint it...restain it.....my mind is a complete blank, so this is your assignment for today...:) Help!!!!!!!!!!
Going to get comfy and watch some tv.....hope everyone is having a super day and evening........
Happy Trails,
Jam
Welcome rw...
Goons get some rest while I can...night all
Stormy, always keep in mind this is a public forum, and as one side has the right to express themselves, so does the other . I appreciate your thoughts on this, and things will settle down, nothing stays the same forever...
And you are just one tired girl, we understand oversleeping.... get those zzzzzz's when you can.... had your dad tried the alarm yet????
My last day off and it is raining.... so peace and quite for awhile yet... and back to the grind tomorrow... I have needed this so bad, feel recharged and ready to hit the ground running, well limping, but I'll get it done...
Hope no one is traumatized by yesterday, but sometimes you gotta do what ya feel is right.....love you all, hugs across the miles.....
Ladee and Sdpeg- i hate that ya'll are buttin heads. I do hope that ya'll can work through your problems with each other. As i know this thread means the world to all of us and i feel we need it in our lives to try to get through this mission we are all on. I know it means the world to me. it is my escape, my time to talk to other people besides my crazy family, because i really don't have that many friends and they are not going through what i am so there you have it. How about ya'll agree to disagree? My sister has a pillow that says that about her and her husband. I love all of ya'll. I will chat later. Hugs to all stormyyyy
I see there are some conflicts... Please make some effort from both sides to settle them! 90% of the times it is just a question of misunderstanding... of expressing similar feelings in different ways... I don't want to be a peacemaker at all costs, but I really think that if you step back and take deep breaths you can understand each other, eventually!
For Ladee: Ladee, sometimes one is taken by a loop and he doesn't know how to get out of that loop. It happens to me very often, so I understand people in the loops! You are more straightforward and probably this kind of thing disturbs you. But if you don't find an exit, you don't find an exit! There are people who always find an exit, there are other people who sometimes don't find it. I know I am not very clear. If you want, we can talk about it in another moment...
I have to throw my mother into her bed. Literally!
I know you and hubby took a short trip, are anymore in your future? I'm seriously ready to hit the road again, it's about 1400 miles between me and Ladee, right now.
Clinically depressed I believe is something that stays with you all the time, before I finally got the right diagnosis, they had me listed as being severely clinically depressed, just thinking of that name made me depressed. Grief never goes away, it just lessens over time... The pain of missing them eases. I think the first year is the worse, then it starts getting easier, but to each person it's different. I'll be fine (kinda) for a few days, weeks, even a month, and then all of a sudden, I see, hear or think something and the flood gates open, I just tell people to ignore me, I'll be fine. I'll cry for a while, and then it stops, and the round starts again.
Mis, thought of you yesterday and the services this week. Be sure to get rest.....it can wear you out. Hugs to you and family...let us know how it went.
Starri...thanks for reminding me that I don't have to be finished grieving just because it has been 4 months. A sister called me yesterday to tell me she cleaned out her suv and opened a compartment she didn't normally use, to see some of mom's blankets in there and lost it.....it actually made me feel good to hear it.......I have missing her presense in my house....not just phone calls...and how every time we passed decocorations in the house she would be so delighted to see the lights, or candles, or her nativity set. Maybe I'm not clinically depressed, just grieving......
Vic....if you think you opened up and then just got on a roll, then that sounds like you have been holding things in and needed to get it out much sooner than you did. That'll teach you to stay away so long!!! Hope you get the undies soon. I am curious to find out if they work for men.... not that I have the immediate need to know, just want to file the information for possible future use.......don't you wish a rubberband would do the trick?
Never did get all the paper out of the secretary, but the lid does close better. Didn't damage it. Found deposit slips from the 1930's. When hubby gets going on something like that, it becomes a big production..... that was the gist of the whole ordeal.
The cold has been conquered and I am off to clean more sickness out of this house. If anything sets too long, it will get Lysoled. Hubby better get moving.....
will check back later.
Ladee, thanks for cleaning the air............ttyl
Seeme, did you win the fight? who came out the worse? you or the calender?
Ladee ((((HUGS)))), hoping you've enjoyed your days off, they are sorely needed at times. Your posts I've seen haven't said how Sonny and Marie are doing, has she still got you ready to pull your hair out? Been in anymore hanger fights? lol, that was funny, I could just picture you wrestling with the hangers.
I've seen where a lot of us have lost our loved ones over the past year, it's hard, I didn't get a book of the process of dying, I knew some of the indicator's myself, and then the nurse from hospice gave me some more as I was telling her what was going on with mom. I think that knowing what you were looking at made it even harder in a lot of ways, knowing that Mom would be talking to people that were no longer with us, my grandparents, my aunt, etc.. it did make it easier for me to react, she once told me that there was someone out in the front of the store (my grandparents owned a small grocery when she was growing up, store in the front and living area in the back) she wondered who would wait on the customer, I told her I would take care of it. Knowing what I did, rather than trying to convince her that the store was gone, and that there wasn't anyone there, I just went with what she believed. It didn't hurt her anymore, and it made it less stressful on me.
As for siblings? you can't live with them, and you can't legally kill them.. although I believe a lot of us would like too. I know I did.
Mom passed in June, Glenn and I have been on the road since august, I honestly can't say it's getting any easier, think I've been kinda numb and just pushing things down. Been my habit for years, bottle things up, shove them down as far as I can get them, and just plain out not deal with them, her birthday is coming up, that is making it kinda touchy.
Christmas was rough, could not see a Christmas Light with out thinking about her, and how she use to love to go looking at Christmas Lights, went in a craft store to get yarn a couple of weeks ago, and was teary eyed through the whole place, she loved to do little crafty things.. Teased her that it kept her from running the streets chasing men and getting in trouble.
I'm glad to have found this thread, and to have met the wonderful people I have, it's been a place of comfort to me.
rw? you said your on the west coast, are you in CA? that is where my husband and I currently are, we live on the east coast at the moment.
Seeme..I knew you didn't run away! ... Love the fight with the Secretary! Have you had it long? And hope you didn't tear it up in the process! Hahaha
I understand what you are saying about the dying process..will have to find that book. Been waiting on this appointment tomorrow..just to see if this is something that can be treated to ease his suffering...and then to decide if we need hospice again. I ink it is coming to that point but who really knows only God. Think dad has been defying death for years ..not sure why but I do know that it has helped my salvation. Yesterday getting him in and out and moving from here to there just was harder..hospice has been on my mind for awhile
Funny thing is that dads mind can comprehend everything going on around him and he has a good understanding mentally..but he can't communicate it.
Didn't mean to get on a roll when you asked a simple question yesterday...it all came rolling out! He had a rough start to the night but then he relaxed enough to sleep ok..oh yea on a pee note: have had so much trouble at night.. The pee goes to the side and wets him down..hope you all can visualize that a man is different...hahaha but anyway..awhile back Jam mentioned the ones that are NASA inspired..well I read up again and found a decent price for a small package..hope they come in soon as they tout ..better for side loss. So we will see..will let you all know how they work out.
Rw welcome!! Keep coming back our journeys are in different stages and differing diseases..but the one thing we all have in common is we are caregivers..reluctantly or not! ..we need a place of understanding and I have thanked God daily for finding this thread and this site. Hope you will feel comfortable and safe here to let out all the feelings you will and do have without any fear of judgement or reprisals.. It is about love and compassion, hugs and prayers from afar that in a spiritual sense gives me hugs and tears and laughs right here when I need it.
Mis - you are in thoughts and prayers...
rw- welcome. This blog and this site has been a god send to me. I have taken the advice of many on here and it's an awesome place to vent cause we all have or had similiar situations and everyone understands where we are coming from cause we're in the same boat.
seeme- agree with ya.
vic- (((hugs))) to ya girlfriend.
ladeeda you're soo right on so many things.
Today is going to be a hard day, but we'll make through and tomorrow will even be harder. So I won't be on here for at least a couple of days, but who knows. I just might. You all bring me laughter and joy when I just don't feel like laugh'in and just want to cry.
OK, glad the thread is going back in the right direction, and Vic, I am going to address what I read from your post. Unfortunately, on eof the most frustration things I learned at the end....... there is no step-down program that your folks will follow.....even in the end stages.
The bummer is that there will be good days and bad days, some decline and then a bouce back, and it is sssooooooo frustrating. And I know you have been through this already.....doesn't make it any easier. We were given a handbook on the "process" of dying..........can you even believe there is such a thing!!!.......at the hospice center.....and while they listed all the major changes, at the end of the list, they added that any or all of the changes could occur within any of the time frames...WHAT?....After everything was over, it made sense, but it didn't do anything for me while going through it.
You are such a loving daughter. You notice things about him because of the attention you pay to him, and that is good, but I hate for you to stress yourself out even more. I know you worry, me too, and there may be no answers, but if it is a gradual decline, he ain't gonna follow the rules. Have I been too long-winded???
Hang in there, girlfriend.......