This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Emjo- Yes, hubby is a policeman and he is poed about the whole situation. Thinks that with that money she got away with that we could have paid someone else to stay with dad and i could have been working at the store. He feels like she also stole from connor's education as that is part of our inheritance and that money could go to connor one day. On the pup issue. Hubby wants her to go outside to potty, no going inside, so we have not had any puppy pads down. I've just been carrying her outside every so often. Well i got to go rub cream on dads legs, better go for now. hugs stormyyy
Starri-I could live with being disowned. It isn't a permanent condition, right? LOL Your propane cooking remined me of when we used to tent camp. Waited months for a backordered propane stove with an oven. Oven couldn't cook much, but the smell of pizza rolls in a tent campground made us lots of new friends! Hope you had a great nap.
Maya-Go ahead and talk! Reminds me of a song "If you want to sing out, sing out..." Glad the antibiotics are helping. Take it easy on the gummi bears! LOL Like I should talk - it seems to be my mission to finish all the leftover Christmas candy :)
Burned-with all you have going on, I'd send you a flyswatter if I could. Hugs.
Heard from Dad that Mom wasn't feeling well today. Asked her, which started a huge fight, but I'll keep that to the other thread. What concerns me is that it turned out to be that her nose was bleeding. She said it was because it's so dry. Well, (one) I'd love to know how much blood because it could be a chemo side effect and (two) even if it's not that, we have april air and I can turn it up if she needs it. I wonder if she will ever realize that she's compromizing her care and comfort by withholding from me?
No naps for me today. After yesterday's marathon, I figure I better stay up today so I can sleep tonight.
Take care everyone.
your mum is a pain in the***. eh, She sounds like she is back to normal. ,)
Jo I am very happy about the new dog, who is completely different from Nicky (and I am happy she is different from Nicky). Nicky had not been abandoned, so she was not "street smart": Dorothy has been abandoned A LOT, so she knows all the tricks and the ruses to do what she wants to do, she tries to con you, she pretends she has not heard... She has an innocent face... But she is very strong inside. When I call her and she doesn't come and so I change my voice and I sound harsher, she comes right away crawling and she looks at me with pleading eyes "Please, don't punish me!" But I know she is acting... She is not afraid of me at all... She pretends she is as pure as a lily! She makes me laugh. Very very smart. She is much smaller in size than the other 3 dogs, but she has already learned how to handle them too... If you live "a lot" with animals you are amazed about what they do! My cats are slowly going back to their normal life after Heathcliff's departure and I am so sad I haven't understood before how dangerous he was. Really a bad mistake on my side and the price of this mistake was very high. One never stops learning, really.
My mother has completely recovered from her flu and she is as rompiballe (you know this word!) as before....
Emjo, I can think of a much juicier scandal in this family than my underwear. The funniest part is that the person involved and the immediate family think that no one has noticed what she's doing and how often the other party is down "visiting". And since the cousin lives literally surrounded by immediate and extended family, she's kind of out of luck on that ever being the reality. Even her dad knew what was going on long before he died.
the underwear scandal is absolutely ridiculous - and hypocritical.
when I was 23, my mother and sister chased me across the Ontario countryside thinking I was "doing it" with the guy who was the best man at her wedding. I don't know what they would have done if they had found us. We were in a farmhouse - separete bedrooms -we were just friends - and I had a badly infected throat and fever or we would have been home the day earlier. I got home and no one there - then hours later they turned up, and my mother ripped up one side of me and down the other - for what??? and banned the guy from the house forever. Soap opera!!! They did not listen to my side of the story, but preferred to act on their overly vivid imaginations. Why, Lord, why?
I understand the not unpacking, maya. Why would you stay there? And your mum's health is not great. You certainly have a place of honour on the dysfun family thread in my view - come to think of it, I think most of us do
Seeme - know you are still feeling the hurt of losing ur mum - it doesn't go away fast and grief is very physical - you get tired and ur resistance drops. I think you sneezed your bug all the way up here. G and I have had it over 2 weeks now, the young lad who sold me the freezer has had it 2 weeks, seems to be getting worse again right now, but no infection thankfully - just ordinary misery. We have had some milder days too - above freezing today and I have to transfer the meat to the new freezer.
Starri thinking of you as the 13th approaches. In my experience of grieving (which is extensive) the days/weeks before hand are the worst. Have you planned anything for the day? That usually helps - something to help you think/feel about your mum. I think the guys come with the cooking genes/experience or they don't. All of my guys can cook (children, exs and sig other), in fact my middle son is the chef in his household.
ladee -any new rocks? glad u have this time off and know you could use a year or two. r u cleaning yet? I got a load of laundry on for starters but don't intend to do much more till I am more over this bug. Hope ur leg is better with the rest. Still waiting for some blether back! lol
sdpeg - your sis is experiencing mutliple loss -we had 20 deaths on 5 years -friends and family and that was before my youngest son died - no fun. Glad you have one another. My sis told me I was grieving wrong after my son died - like what does she know?
notlike - I believe that there is something about the crabby living on while their nice caregivers die young. Strangely enough that was the topic of a reading exercise in an English class I taught, and there was research to back it up. While I will do what is necessary, I am not prepared to self-sacrifice. The only way I have achieved some peace is by detaching. I will write on that in the dysfun fam thread later. My head still feels like cotton wool right now. Good for you for letting the relatives know about your mum - when it comes down to it -what can she do except yell and you can walk away from that. It becomes a matter of expecting the bad behaviour and planning how to deal with it. - let the inner adult deal with it as the inner child is still hurting and fearful. She needs a hug.
brandy - I am with you and notlike - to h*** with the secrets- let the air in and clear out the cobwebs - if u can't face your life then do something about it - other than hiding it. I like my cards on the table where I can see them (with my glasses on)and others can too - woohoo for being functional - and also for not walking on eggshells!
starri I got heck for telling things as I saw them as a child too, but they never knocked it out of me
cmag -sorry about ur aunt. Sounds like your uncle needs help badly -glad the social worker is stepping in
vic - I could use some rain instead of snow. Hope mum and dad and YOU have a good morning - church or not
jam -u r quiet!
did someone mention lazy - I seem to major in that since I retired - need to get the guys in to shampoo the basement carpet -so what does G do - move some of his stuff into the area which needs shampooing - like put it in the closet, already! He will before he goes away on business!
maya this part of what you just wrote describes my sis " you have to be perfect and have a perfect life before someone can love you, so their lies and illusions are justified in order for them to have what they desire", and she is incapable of facing that it isn't working.Her b'friend has multiple g'friends (openly) the daughter and sil she lives with are alcoholics and she is estranged from her son, and his wife, and her only grandchild who are, as far as I can see, nice, normal people. Oooops, I just aired some dirty laundry in public. Oh well!
carol -hope things are coming together for your mum in terms of treatment and placement, and you have peace of mind about it
mis - thinking of you - hard days right now ((((((hugs)))))
ros - hope ur getting some rest but also enough work. Did that flu knock your mum don;lt a notch or two? Hope Dorothy is fitting in as well as you hoped.
to everyone
love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
When I was on Facebook, I received an invitation to my niece's trial, so that kind of did it for me. Trials on felony charges aren't a social occasion to me and the fact that she was treating it as such just made me feel sick inside.
To be honest, even if the truth sounded better, some would tell a lie because they're so used to lying, that's what they think to do first.
Yeah, he's right. I don't and I don't depend on their beginning to be my family when she's gone, either.
That's what bro did last year when my dad died, got a dumpster, threw things out, gave things away, told people to come get what they wanted while my mom was still in shock. He moved her away, she wanted to move back into the house so we did (with her doc's and psych's blessings) but after mom is gone...the relationship I have with bro is forever over.
I am blessed with my relationship with my sister. She is supportive and encouraging. She had 5 people die in her family (father, MIL, FIL, two uncles) in just 15 months so she knows how hard it is to care for someone who has given up. She listens while I talk, she feels my pain.
Cutting ties, ending relationships, setting boundaries: that's what I plan on doing when the time comes.
SDPeg
If something were to happen to her, there would be no need for me to stay here any longer. And her other kids would immediately back up trucks to carry her things away. I don't think I'd ever see any of them again, to be honest.
And it seems that every single time I begin to unpack, another complication happens, too.
Seeme? hope you get to feeling better, are people running around in shorts? Glenn was emailing with a friend back home in SC and told him the weather was sunny and clear, light breeze and 78 here in CA and he told him that it was clear, sunny, a light breeze and 38 there..
I'm with you on it needing to get cold, at least have a couple of freezes, the fleas, ticks and mosquitoes will be hell this summer. Most people head this direction to escape the cold, but truthfully? I miss my winter.. Christmas day and 80 degree's just doesn't seem like winter to me.
How have you been holding out Seeme? you doing ok?
Does that make any sense to anyone else?
love ya and take care of yourself today, tell M I said Hi....
Maya, funny visions in my head...
Hubby is making omelets for breakfast.....will be the best ever. I finally sweated out some of the gunk last night. Maybe I will do more today that just snort, hack, cough, and spit.....still can't get rid of it. This stuff is really going around here. Weather isn't helping. January 8 in NC and you should have to put a jacket on, but people are in shorts and sandals. Got to get cold soon or we won't have a winter and fleas will take over...........everyone have a good day.....time to eat...