This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
She was up late last night with side effects from the antibiotic. We've had a whole of natural gas leaks, if you catch my drift. I don't care, to be honest. If the antibiotic cures the infection, it's worth the motorboat sounds.
I was going to go to church this morning, but she's still feeling pretty weak, so I'll stay here this morning. It would take me the better part of an hour to get home if she needed me. That's the only downside to attending this church. Most of the time, I enjoy the drive. It gives me a chance to pray for us all where I don't have to worry about who hears what I have to say. I'm not one of those who can pray silently. Heck, I used to get put out in the hallway for reading outloud in first grade. Now that I'm older, I think Mrs. Padgett should have been happy that at least one of her students could read at all, but that's just me. I think she should have stuck the ones who didn't care if they ever learned out in the hallway. And let the principal make his whistling noises through his overbite at them instead of me.
Know what I mean?
Ordered a small package of those NASA inspired adult overnight undies... So tired of the ones we use at night..don't work well at all on the sides..arghhhh. Oh well
If that's all I have to complain abut I guess I am great today. Not sure I am taking them to church today as it is already raining outside..not cold just damp. I know they both want to go..so we will see what the morning brings.
Seeme. I was eating a price of pizza when I read your post about your driver license! OMG I was giggling so bad that I swallowed wrong! Too Funny!!!!
My prayers go out to all of you...maya, burned, stormy, emjo, carol, mis, notlike
Soup sounds wonderful too, we have to quit talking about food, as I am starting to get hungry again..lol.. just had a baked potato (all the goodies) and some fried chicken. Still got to relearn cooking on propane, went from gas, to propane, to electric and now I am back to propane again. Haven't tried it out yet, but this motor home has a oven..lol.. bought some biscuits and will try cooking them maybe next week, might do it tomorrow, depends on when hubby crawls out of bed, and how close it is to time for SIL and BIL to come over, their going swimming with us here at the park.
I think I'll try sleeping myself..
Sweet dreams everyone.
I am with you about people keeping secrets. Especially when it comes out 25+ years later...a bit devastating to hear/read things that have been going on and I had not idea but now am in the midst of this crap. And I have decided that on Friday I confront my mom to share with my sibs her deteriorating health. I will not be the only one carrying this cross shall we say. And to think I don't have any authority to do anything and yet I am the one cleaning up and putting up with the routine. I cannot vent enough about that!
So Friday is a turning point for my relationship with my mom: I am speaking up in front of someone else and not just talking to her at home.
I hope she wants to eat some of this roast ... it is really good.
Turkey soup sounds good.
SDPeg
cmag-prayers for your Aunt and wife. Hoping the biopsy turns out just fine. It could be that the docs want to be extra careful.
emjo-your mom sounds like a fighter at 99 years old. Is there some truth to the thought that the crabby live longer? LOL
maya-glad your mom had a good day, and you too.
seeme-LMAO at your story!
brandy & others-I dislike the idea of being private. In my life, it's always been a code word for keeping secrets. I am nowhere near as comfortable as some of you are in being "me", but I've coped by being a very open person. I'd rather tell all the "bad" things about my life and get it out there then have people dislike me later when they find out.
I know that I do this in direct opposion to my mom. She never wanted anyone to know about what really went on in our family. Even now, she refuses to let most of the family know how she is doing with the cancer. That means she won't talk to most of them. I give people updates and am grateful for my relatives who care. It will cost me if she ever finds out, but I want relationships with my relatives and am willing to fight for them.
Took a nap at 2 PM and didn't wake up until 10 PM. Wondering if I will be able to get any sleep tonight and get back on schedule???? But oh, was it nice!
Never heard of spaghetti sauce on a roast, will have to try that sometime, I just throw in a packet of brown gravy mix.. maybe one of those lipton onion soup mixes. Onions are peeled and quartered.. potatoes go in skin on... and carrots too. why do more work and lose all that good stuff.
Toast some bread, put mayo, salt and pepper on the roast, make yourself a nice sandwich..
Sure smells good tonight in this house...I think I might have a midnight snack... yum.
SDPeg
Self regulation for me is eating fiber...I still want to know who it was that decided green means go..
Lately mom has had a cold and sleeping so I have had time to relax. The doc changed her meds and that's going to affect her as well. What she eats in a week I probably eat in two days but if that's what her body is used to from a lifetime of eating very little who am I to try to change it? I do have a roast in the crock pot (someone put it on warm so it didn't cook all night, it can cook a couple more hours that's for sure). I eat and if mom wants to join me ok...but she is so resistant to sitting with me now that it is not healthy for either of us. so I do my best.
Her weigh in is Friday. The truth will be on the scale.
Recently I have discovered I am NOT on her health directive at all ... my brother is with my sister as alternate. They both live in different states...I live in the same house. Unsure why it was done that way. When I ask mom she says "that's how dad wanted it" so I let it go. I just know what I do is from the heart not because of a piece of paper. I cannot get her to change it so when the time comes for a decision for her future at least she cannot blame me if she ends up in a place she does not want to be (like a NH). But that's life.
I register on Monday for my classes...decisions, decisions.
The point I was making was self-regulation. It is great we wandered to the "normal" and "abnormal" field to play on. One day someone said my BP was "normal" and I laughed and said "that's about the only thing 'normal' about me" and that was the truth!!!
Hugs to all
SDPeg
Brandy, good for you, my mom was like that "don't let the neighbors know" I went to rehab...
Lord, save me from being social acceptable. I had someone try to explain normal to me one time, we went into pie charts for crying out loud..lol.. I want to know who decided green meant go. I'll stick to being "ab" normal. A lot more fun and a lot people wish they could be like me (I've had them tell me so), they just don't have the guts..lol.. society (who ever they happen to be) decide for all what the behavior should be like, what the "norm" is. In other countries, eating dog is ok, here it's taboo. A long time ago, taking a bath was out, did it once a year whether they needed it or not, that is how most weddings came to be in June, it was shortly after their annual bath.. married before they started smelling to bad..lol.. and whiskey and beer drinking? it was safer than drinking the water in good Ole England way back when.
Ladee is right about flash mobs, now adays their accepted, before the riot cops would have been called out. Personally I believe it's those of us who are "ab" normal and speak our minds that bring about social and cultural advancement.
So are all of you having a good night? I hope so, been kinda teary today, Mom's 81st birthday is coming up. 1/13, missing her, and wondering what she'd think of the trip Glenn and I are on.
Tonight, I learned that my dad's last living sister is in bad shape. Her husband has been taking care of her at home and will not listen to his children or anyone telling him that he needs help for he's been over his head. Now the crisis level is quite elevated. She was not responding to my uncle the other night and he couldn't wake her so took her to the ER. She was dehydrated, high temp, and a bladder infection. Her alzheimer's has just gotten really bad and she can't communicate, and forgets how to eat and drink. My cousins are just not sure their dad can continue to do this, but he refuses to get help! The hospital is keeping her til at least Monday but she has to eat before they will let her leave and so far she hasn't! I think a social worker is going to step in and tell my my uncle he needs to get home health care to come in! I've encourage the cousin who sent me this update to come find support here.
More crime shows tonight. Bridezillas tomorrow.
Cmag......In all seriousness, I hope you know you are in good hands going to Duke with wife's concerns.....nothing can change what may or may not be, but she will get the best handling while in their care....
u r not an eggshell walker and you can drive on black ice - now that's what I call TALENT!
your story reminds me of two men - my ex who frequently made negative comments about the cars in front till finally one day I said, "You think all the drivers in front of you are a$$holes don't you?" He stopped talking for a while, thought and said. "That's not quite true. All the drivers behind me are too."
and G who is an auctioneer (amongst his other talents;)) and when he gets excited or enthusiastic about something, which is quite often, all I hear is "hfuij hfsjfkd hhykfnf, blah blah, blah......".
I wonder if your answer would stop him...-**-
now we know - the answer for everything we do wrong is "I'm married" LOL
I finally got to the table, and took the vision and sign test. I actually missed a sign.....the yellow round one. Round is RR crossing, but it is white, not yellow, yellow is for cautions, etc., right? The guy makes me go back and I told him my confusion. Ah, a new sign warning of advancing RR sign is being used somewhere like the stop sign warning is coming up or street light. OK, no problem. He starts to ask me if there are any medical reason why I should not drive. These people ask these same questions many times during the day and it becomes so practiced that they don't even know what they are saying, he mumbled most of it, I strained to hear, was too fast to understand and it became to my ears "hfuij hfsjfkd hhykfnf, blah blah, blah......"
And I wandered in my mind, thinking............"Why don't they ask what the definition of the solid double yellow line is? Or that 'yield' means yield and not 'give up'....... especially on the 'on ramp'. " And OK, I missed the new sign, but I've driven in Europe....I know signs that aren't even used over here......like who gets to go through the one lane arch first.........which is the priority road........and experience, like how to look at the mirrors to see traffic coming around the 45 degree curve.
"Epilepsy, siezures, naracotics......."
And how about when hubby gets in the car and screams to "Get in the other lane", "What is that asshole doing?", "Where do these people learn to drive?"
Shouldn't road rage be on that list? I've never suffered from road rage in my life. I love to drive and find it very relaxing. I have experience and calm on snow, ice, torrential downpours, and true black ice.
Riding with hubby is a torment for me. He seems to be looking at every vehicle, comments on make, model, color, driver......mouth just a flapping.......condition of other vehicles.......yakkety, yakkety, yak........
"Heart attcks, strokes......."
When the guy finally finished, and you know I thought of all this in a split second, he looked at me expectantly, and all I could think to say was, "I'm married............."
His look was priceless......................
and notlike - that is "there is probably little you can do to change HER" but changing you can help you
starri - the narcissistic person never thinks about the feelings of others. I am glad you spoke up as a child. It helped u to survive. You are amazing to have looked after an abusive step dad and your mum
notlike - i call it crazyville and I decided i was going to live in normalville - I will follow up more on the dysfunctional thread. Glad dad can drive himself. I think blow ups from mum are a given - i found it became easier when i expected the negative behaviours - she has an illness - not alz, but still an illness, and it is more difficult for you to deal with due to all the childhood triggers and, in my experience, any illness brings out the crazies, BUT, it is as she is, and there is probably little you can do to change it
brandy - I am with ros who does not walk on eggshells, but puts her feet firmly on the ground, and deals with what comes - you need somewhere to vent with the caregiving challenges you have (((((hugs)))))
ros - dorothy is a doll, She must be so happy to be with you. Glad mum is quiet so you have some peace
carol -sounds like it is unfolding as it should. There is no way you can meet mum's needs at home now. On to the next phase which includes more time for your family.
mis -sure hope you keep checking in - glad u saw ur greatniece and she is doing well. get as much rest as you can - the next few days will be tiring ((((((hugs)))))
stormy - hope this money thing all gets worked out as it should - and sis says her piece - really this is all your sis and you needed at this time. have u tried the alert bracelet yet?
maya - hope mum is feeling better and you got the pill fiasco sorted out - feak and weeble eh? Like that! Are ur aches and pains better?
burned -glad your boy's b'day went well and the doc doesn't think hubby is worse
ladee - 2 down and 2 to go - hope u r feeling refreshed and find some good rocks today. has the leg stopped aching?
jam - too many mimosas?
seeme - waiting for pups and buying out the pet store?
sdpeg - ...and some learn that later than others and some don't learn it at all - the narcissists
everyone check in and let us know how you are
here G is off to the horses again and then to Toronto for meetings for a few days next week. so the house will be quiet and I don't have to cook - nice. The freezer is installed and the temps have dropped so we don't need it now anyway - Murphy's law or something.
I keep wondering how long mother can go on, and I know others are in the same boat. At 99, she has survived a second hip op well and is still in an ALF -albeit with a little more help till she gets more mobility in the hip or she may just decide to keep the extra help. Her money will not last indefinitely. She seems to have most of her marbles, if a little more paranoia and less short term memory. At nearly 100, I suppose that is "normal" - for a BPD anyway.Because she has always repeated herself a lot (part of the BPD) I don't know if it is failing memory due to age or the BPD - mixture of both, probably.
have a good day
love, hugs and prayers (hearts thingy isn't working)
jo