This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
We need your prayers. Thanks so much. Carol
I read your posts and I am sorry for those who are having a bad period with their parents and grandparents and in some cases husbands. I am really sorry for all of you who are grieving for difficult situations. My mother is in a good health, she is stable, she doesn't give me any problems lately. Poor thing. Just the lack of freedom...
Sorry I haven't slept at all last night so I am quite foggy.
I'll try to participate more to the life of this thread tomorrow night...
My head is somewhere else tonight. Forgive me! Kisses everybody
seemeride, you bring up some very good points about how this topic relates to caregiving for what appears to be a lot of people on this site. It is deep as well as prevalent and I hope the thread will be as helpful as this one is.
After sending a message to doc (in the wee hours of the night) the nurse called. Mom's rxs are being adjusted due to tsh results and over all behavior. Woo hoo. I always cooperate with doc without putting my two cents in. They know I will ask questions though so as to be more learned. Perpetual student I am. So I will have to make my list again ... ha ha ... got so used to routine of putting the meds out. Perhaps a change in meds will make a marked, positive change in mom. Can't change her relationships with my sibs but can follow doc and change rx. Hopefully this will yield the positive changes I started this year praying about. Let's hope so.
SDPeg
Notlike, hang in there girl. You are doing better than you think. You have started something that will make it easier for you to go on....
Jam....a place to sort out dysfunctional families.......imagine most of us could go there, but I prefer to keep my rose colored glasses on.........ignorance is bliss in my case.......but the need seems to be out there. It is just another piece of the fabric that makes up the caregiver's role. It may account for the "who" of the caregiver, the "why" of the caregiver, and the "how" of the caregiver.......which child does it, or not.....how the caregiver delivers their care........wow, this is a deep subject.....too deep for me.....I'll just stick to humor........
Been missing you, Ladee.....glad to see you are back....must have had some long days at work.......hope Sonny and Marie are doing good. I got out yesterday for the first time in a week and it wore me out. Didn't do anything exciting even. Slept most of the afternoon while hubby was. Two more weeks of this shift and we can get back to a normal eating and sleeping routine where I can make NOISE during the day. Cold is much better, cough is easing, antibio's must be working. It is late and I must get going.........later............
Short check-in.....dogs woke me up and said "Potty time"..........
Notlike......I'm sorry there is so much sadness and stress around you now. Not only with Mom, but now with Uncle....just remember that we are thinking of you and sending hugs and prayers. Isn't it great how an "outsider" can come in and work miracles with our loved one? I guess since they aren't the ones doing the cleaning and saying "no" they can get accomplished what we might never have. When the admitting coordinator came to see the col when she was placed in the NH she manipulated the col into thinking it was her idea...lol! Where before, the col would practically threaten us that we had better not ever put her in one, the AC had her looking forward to it. I guess it takes a special talent to do the job.
mis....sending prayers and hugs and angels to you and to watch over Grandma. And a new life also! How special and yes, I hope Grandma gets to see her....beautiful name they gave to her. Try and take a few minutes for yourself each day, so you don't get run down.
After reading some of the recent posts, I had the idea that someone might want to start a thread about living today with dysfunctional families from the past.....I bet there are a lot more here than we even imagine. Just a thought if someone wanted to tackle that project.
Hope everyone has a terrific day............going to go take care of my farms on FB!
Happy Trails,
Jam
notlikemom, you have done a lot right, we know it, God knows it, so that is the most important. Yes, professionals do have a way to reach them sometimes...make them feel safe, so happy to hear you received this blessing of one thing you know is taken care of.... love and hugs... angels for your heart....
Cmag, enjoy your time in the man cave...
Ro, just know that you are loved and respected.... no matter what is going on.... you make time to talk to us.... you are appreciated...
Have asked for a four day weekend... hope I get it soon....
love and hugs....
emjo-I'm glad you have gotten to a safer place. You sound very wise and accomplished. Blessings and real peace to you.
jam-thanks for the advice. It is better to do nothing sometimes.
rossell-you are an inspiration. Your happiness for your brother's family is so selfless. Shows what a wonderful person you are.
maya-hope you got a good cry and feel better today. Hugs.
mis-Hugs for the happy and sad places you are in right now. Be sure to talk to your Grandma about the new baby, she may still be able to hear you, even if she doesn't respond.
burned-Happy Birthday to your son!
The home health coordinator came last night. Wonderful woman-she had Mom talking, laughing, even telling stories. Got Mom signed up so we're ready for the future. At last, something I worked out right! I can breathe a bit easier now knowing that's taken care of.
Mom has chosen to start radiation with her next round of chemo. I hope it works and the side effects aren't as bad as I imagine. More doctors appts in our future to coordinate all this.
My uncle goes to hospice today. It's hard watching my dad deal with this. He is trying to understand it all. I listen alot and answer questions. Mom is still pretty cold about it, but at least she lets him go visit.
Hope everyone has a good day. Thanks to all of you for your support and kindness.
Please keep us in your prayers.
Yesterday, I found out at work that one of my friends, Robin, lost her mom over the holidays. Her dad has alz and just was put into a nursing home.
My niece had her baby yesterday morning. A little girl Arabella Alexis. She came 20 days early. I'm hoping Grandma holds on long enough so my niece came bring her to at least meet Grandma. But for now Grandma is in God's hands and whatever happens happens.
Trying to get caught up on today's posts........
I am still at a loss as to how to work things with ssa adminstration and making sure hubby can continue his longterm care...I need some advice regarding how to handle spousal stuff in Az cuz I am at a loss...why does it have to be the ones we love and the ones that back off get greedy and expect some payback after my husband is gone when they care less what i have been doing for the last 5 yrs...I mean some of the stuff is petty who in their right mind doesnt call their brother months and months with no calls..His neices and nephews do not bother he has such a big heart and i hate the fact that he feel has no family cuz of their dysfunctional bs but in many ways he is glad to not deal with it but the major is ssa and keeping his eligibility ...oh well tomorrow is a good day...my son turns 5 tomorrow and i am so happy for his 5th which means pretty soon a quiet house:)
Stormy..that really blows...I would be livid and probably open my big mouth in that situation. You all are in prayers!
Maya...what an exhausting day!! Hope you have a better night and that yu can get mom well.
Cmag..whew..glad it was you and not me having to run arund..sounds exhausting but hope wifey iwill be better soon..
Well all..my dear sweet neighbor passed away this afternoon. God Bless him. He isn't suffering anymore.
Ros must have missed post ..so sorry for another pet loss. This year just has to get better. You are in my heart.
I mentioned there were two books by Kenneth M. Adams. The second one is Silently Seduced: When Parents Make their Children Partners - Understanding Covert Incest.
Jam, it does get frustrating to see doctors read the same mammogram so differently. I'm glad your situation turned out well. One thing that helped my wife is that the person who did the mammogram and ultra sound was an actual doctor doing it and not a radiologist.
Today was a mixed day of taking my wife to see her neurologist about some things, seeing her threapist, and seeing a doctor about her carpal tunnel. She gave my wife a shot in her right wrist. Then, we rushed home to pick up our son's repaired car and the repairman waited for us to get there by a certain time after 5. Now, this car is in much better shape!
Prayers and hugs for everyone.
stormy I am with jam - what your niece has done is illegal - plain and simple - and I would charge her. No need to walk on eggshells around her mum or around anyone. I told all my kids that - you do something illegal and I will be the first one to report you. They didn't. It is the natural consequence of committing a crime and, to me, more dreadful as your dad is so ill. Perhaps her parents need to face the realities about her. I know this is hard on you as your sis is in charge of the store so she is the one who should follow up. The thought that family would do that is reeally distressing to you all.
ros - so sorry about your pet loss - once again - you must be wondering when things are going to get better. ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) for your hurting heart.
They think that she's got a skin yeast infection all over her abdomen. Of course, she also rubs the side of her stomach all the time in a circle when she's nervous. We'll see if the meds clear that up.
When I told the office nurse that home health isn't allowed to come out on the days that she goes to the doctor per Medicare rules and that she needs the wound vac because wet to dry does NOT wick the fluid out and that infection sets in when the fluid pools at the bottom, my cousin had the temerity to try to grab me to shake me like I had lost it. And no, not once did I EVER become physically aggressive in any way, shape or form, so there was no need to even begin to do that. I was simply sitting in a chair and explaining to yet another new person what works with Mama and what doesn't. After we left, I informed both Mama and my cousin that no one has the right to even think about shaking me because I'm only telling the office nurse the way that home health works and the way that Mama's body does, that unlike the nurses in the family, I've actually been there to see what happens when wet to dry is used and that she won't close without either the wound vac or suturing. I also told my cousin that she either needed to learn to speak up and do what she's sworn that she'll do --- advocate for Mama --- or she needs to stay at home because I can't babysit her too. I don't have time to undo all the kowtowing that nurses are trained to do when my mother's life is at stake.
Then we come home and Mama informs me that she needs two prescriptions filled. The only problem is that one of them was filled two weeks ago and she should have had thirty-two pills left. She swears that she didn't take them, but it would explain why she's been feeling so bad for the last couple of weeks and why her blood pressure has been so low.
I don't know what to think. Mama's mad at me because I don't automatically buy into the pharmacy not filling the prescription properly.
I'm worn out. If Mama doesn't give a flip about whether or not she gets healed, I can't make her. And I told Mama and my cousin that I'm not there to carry purses, coats or machines either, that I'm not a pack mule to be pushed aside by either of them.
I'm so tired, I could cry.
Also i wanted to let ya'll know that they do not take off 3/4 of my brother's ear just a round circle about the size of your fingernail. But they did have to go through his ear and he had to have skin graphs on his ear. Well go to get ready to leave from here. My God it's been a long day over here, even lily is ready to get in her travel bag. Hugs stormy
Stormy I am happy your brother could save most of his ear. I think he can go to a plastic surgeon and have an operation of reconstruction sooner or later. They make miracles nowadays!
I love these resolutions. Today I hang out with a girlfriend. Caregiver is coming so mom will be well taken care of during her cold. Time alone or with friends is essential. Wish we all got more of it.
What if find more and more interesting is hearing from our generation about what is or was normal for us growing up. What was normal/functional is what many people experienced or found out later in life was in existence. According to the definition we were all pretty normal as we were all the "norm" ha ha. Thought this was an eye opener as well as the resolutions. We also have to remember that we are not the labels others put on us. I am still the apple of God's eye no matter what people think or say.
dys·func·tion·al
adjective /disˈfəNGkSHənl/
Not operating normally or properly
- the telephones are dysfunctional
Deviating from the norms of social behavior in a way regarded as bad
- an emotionally dysfunctional businessman
- dysfunctional families