This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Yes, atherosclerosis is hardening of the arteries. I hope that she doesn't have narrowing on both sides in her carotids.....that cuts down on the blood supply to the brain....and results in what we call a "rotor rooter" procedure. No, it doesn't automatically mean that there are blockages anywhere else but it's more likely there is. Because of her diabetes she is more susceptible to wound healing.....or not healing because of poor circulation. And with the levels of sugar being higher it causes bacteria to flourish faster. And of course you know to get right on that vigorously when she gets a boo boo. Each time there is a new sore, it seems like it's harder and longer to get healed. So yes, the sores could be caused by both diabetes and impaired circulation or either one by itself.
It is important to remember that we are here for support and although advice is given, sometimes we write just to vent.
I have not been through much of what others are going through so I don't offer much advice (except set boundaries-lifelong lesson for all of us no matter what we do) but sometimes step over the line and spout my mouth when I should just read and send hugs instead.
We are all doing the best we can with the situations we are in and that's to be applauded. Let's take a moment and look at our successes last year and add to those shall we?
SDPeg
Asg- thank you for understanding. The unknown is scary...
Well, dad has not coughed up anymore blood since the other day. So i guess it was just coming from where he had his surgery.
My brother goes in the morning to have surgery on his ear for the squamous cancer. Sil is suppose to report to us and let us know what doc found out and how much they had to cut off of his ear. I just pray that they don't have to take too much off of his ear and that it has not spread. Please keep him in your prayers!!!! I will post more in a little bit got to go bathe connor, then it is hubby's nite to lay down with him. Hugs stormyyyyyyyyyyyyy
#AlzTip of the Day! If person w/ #Alzheimers becomes suddenly more confused or difficult, have dr check for urinary tract infection.
Found this on my FB page; thought I would pass it on. SDPeg
Jam: please know that I wrote more info not to be annoying but to put more light on the subject as there are so many intricate factors in this situation with my mom. I hope I did not offend yo; if I did, I am sorry. I do care about what suggestions people make and was not deflecting yours. If I had POA things would be different. That's why I feel so frustrated and once again thank you for creating this post. SDPeg
He did not place my mom ~ he put her in independent living too soon after losing my dad which is why I will not do anything rash at this time. Her doc will not push my mom into another change that is too soon after the many changes she has experienced in the past 15 months. Too many changes at one time is too detrimental to anyone. The symptoms of dementia are also symptoms of many others things including thyroid and stroke. The doc is trying to rule things out. The anger I feel is not from childhood it is now learning what has occurred in the past 25 years or so. Giving someone like my brother control of many things including finances is NOT a good idea with the mental problems he has. Those contributing factors add to this situation.
What I am doing is cooperating with the doctor in order for my mom to know that everyone has done everything that they can in order to help her have quality of life. The break I am taking these days is not harming her, she knows I do a lot and says I need the rest. She is not being neglected. I am a full time student and full time caregiver and resting and not running around for three days won't hurt her and is replenishing me. What I am doing is taking care of me, still taking care of her, and recognizing what i cannot change.
Without POA my hands are tied. And she will NOT change the POA because she says "that's the way Dad wanted it". I am doing all in my power to make life nice for her without selling my soul to the task of taking care of another as many on this site have done. I learned from others on this site to continue to have my life, continue my education, and not to give up my life goals. After my mom joins my dad (which every day she says she wants to) I will go on.
I do not have the power to place her at all. With further tests the doc will have a clear picture on what to propose to the family in regard to my mom. She is in love with my mom, wants her to have a good life, was in love with my dad and grieves his loss as well.
One day at a time, one step at a time, and I am doing the best I can in taking care of me first so that I can care for others. I like the illustration someone posted, if I don't use that oxygen mask in an airplane first, i cannot help anyone else. And that's what these few days are ... taking care of me ... so that others can be cared for as well.
Each morning I put out her breakfast, if she eats it, she eats it (lifelong eating disorder manifested after the trauma of losing my dad, moving out of the this house they shared for 10 years, and my brother taking control of her finances that she did for 65+ years). I also prepare lunch and dinner. The doc knows what I do for my mom, knows there are many reasons for her behavior (it would have been helpful if she would have stayed in grief counseling but she did not) and is diligently researching all areas to rule out some and embrace others.
In the meantime, I will continue doing what I am doing. The emotions I feel are real and I accept them and they do vary from day to day as we all know.
I willingly accepted this role, my mom asked that I stay with her, I will do that as long as possible. I will do that until her doctor tells the family she needs more care. I choose not to make the impulsive change to place her (without the POA that I have mentioned not having before). I will follow the steps necessary that the doctor wants me to follow so that everyone's butt is covered legally.
And I will continue to post here my frustrations with my hands tied by not having POA and mom's unwillingness to give it to me. I will continue to post how sad it is that only one person has the power to do things for my mom but chooses not to. I will continue to post the fun mom and I have, the smiles she makes, and the stories I record on my new camcorder. You see, I felt this way about my Dad: those that promised to stay and abandoned him, they did not hear the stories he told, they did not have the last moments with him, they did not have the conversations about newspaper articles, the comic page, the people in the neighborhood. My brother may have POA over my mom, but my mom and I share her life now...the joy of winning the jackpot at the casino, the tradition of putting up and taking down the Christmas decorations, the interactions latter on in life that mean more now than they did before. I have the best of the best with or without a diagnosis of dementia, thyroid, stroke etc. I have my mom ... that's more than my brother can say. He may have the POA and full control of all assets but I have the person who gave me birth, the one who raised me to be the woman I am today, the mom who is still inside the grieving shell. I miss my dad as well and we have that in common. Too many changes is harmful for anyone and the longer the time it takes to place my mom the more time she has to gain strength to accept that change. I respect her doctor for knowing how important that is. SDPeg
I guess I am still a little confused this morning on some things and still bothered that the message I'm trying to convey here can't be done subtly. So point blank questions it will be. On that note.............
The Dictionary definition of Dementia is: This condition is generally caused by deterioration of brain tissue… Major characteristics include short- and long-term memory loss, impaired judgment, slovenly appearance, and poor hygiene. Dementia disrupts personal relationships and the ability to function occupationally.
Does this sound familiar? I know it does to me, I have been dealing with it for over 2 years now. And yes, the situation got to the point where physically I couldn't do the job anymore, so placement was made. And it was the best thing to do for the col.
I didn't need a physician to tell me that the col was suffering from dementia.....it was obvious from my daily interaction with her. And guess what? It's not a physician's job to make placements for your loved one...........they can make suggestions and recommendations, but the final authority is the person who holds the POA.
Peg......it sounds to me.......and I'm taking this by what little we really know about your mother.....some aggressive intervention needs to be done. It's apparent the Paxil is not doing it's job and she needs some nourishment. And she needs to be placed now so that you are able to deal with the issues you had growing up. Your anger is interfering in your ability to care for her....after all she IS #1 here.......have you thought of the fact that brother placed her and then moved away? Must have been a reason for that. You say you have another place to live? Then why do you keep putting off what obviously needs done? I did it in one day.....in a town with a population of less than 10,000 with only one decent home.........Now if there is something here I am not seeing, please enlighten me......because from what I am reading I have a very heavy heart today.
Hope the work day beginning of this glorious year is perfect for all of you!
Happy Trails,
Jam
maya - not a great picture for your mum - sorry ur hip is hurting and mum is just not feeling good
((((((hugs)))))) to all -I know you are facing the same problems -=as you werre in december
hoping for a decent day for everyone and wondering how a few are who haven't posted -Lyn - how are things going? I know this has been a tough Christmas for your family
Year Right - hope you do post more = others whose charges have passed do and I know we all would like to hear how you are doing - it is all part of the picture
cmag thinking of you and your wife
(((((hugs))))) to all and hope this goes through - home tonight and can't wait to get these aching bones into a hot bath
jo