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Oh Stormy I felt the same way when I read Jam's post. My "something different" as you wrote is: neuro appt for my mom, home health care nurses to do the personal things my mom has a hard time asking me, her daughter, to do, and doing more research on family history to unveil other secrets so I am not in shock of things I have recently learned about. I have done all that I can do, as you stated. Now it is time to trust mom's doc to do tests, give meds, and recommend placement when the time comes. There are so many people on this site that say just the right words and just the right time. You and Jam have been blessings to me tonight. Thank you!!! Peg
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Amen Jam to your post!!! Sometimes you just have to say "Stop the madness". And come to grips with the realization that you have done all that you can do and it is time to try something different.
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Also Jam: I have requested home health care nurses coming in to help with personal care that my mom has a hard time asking me for (being her daughter) and I am waiting for a referral on that as well. One day at a time. I do not resent being here; what I am bitter about is recently learning about family secrets that were quite a shock to both me and my mom. The control she thought she had over her own life was minimal compared to what she thought. Her life, as she knew it, has changed horrendously and yet she keeps going like the energizer bunny ... God bless her. Peg
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Thanks for asking more questions about my situation. My mom has probably had a lifelong eating disorder. She also has made choices that are unhealthy for her. She has probably had depression all of her life as well. Along with that my dad and brother have kept secrets from her. She is going through grieving, feeling betrayed and abandoned, and fearful of the future. The wait for the weigh in is that she had a weigh in in sept and then again in oct and the doc wanted to give another few months (thus jan). The neuro is the soonest the referral could be received. She has not been diagnosed with dementia (can I vote on this?) but has the symptoms of it. The doc wants to run tests and make a change for placement very obvious so that sibs don't give me a hard time over what happens in the future as he has done in the past. There are many factors involved and I am thankful doc is taking her time so the daggers won't be shot at me anymore. She is able to justify placement and not just make it impulsive. The victim behavior has been my mom's MO all of her life and therefore I do not attribute all of this behavior to being an octogenarian nor dementia. What is different now is that my dad is not here to protect and defend her and therefore no one is here to enable her to live an unhealthy/unhappy life. My mom has always asked me (for years) to be here for her as I am the upbeat and positive one. And being here with her would not be so difficult but I have negative interference by my brother and that causes more stress than need be. I know I have done all that I can in order to provide a home for her for the past year plus since my dad's death but with the rapid decline in cognition and physical health, the responsibility has to go to someone else. I know I can do so much and I when I meet my Maker I can say with assurance that I did everything I could. I believe the doc knows exactly what is going on and respects that it is in my mom's best interest not to make any changes yet because of recently losing my Dad, my brother now controls her finances, and she has lost much cognition. Moving out of this house again (my brother moved her out 6 weeks after my dad died, we moved back in in March) might be too traumatic for my mom and I think that's why the doc is going slowly. That's respect. I am trying to keep my head above water if and when placement is made. In the meantime mom is on paxil , checking her thyroid, and may be on new meds after the neuro appt. Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate them. SDPeg
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Peg.....have you considered the fact that mom is not able to make sense or changes to her unhappy or unhealthy lifestyle? With dementia they are not always able to make the correct choices, that's why we are taking care of them. I bet if we take a poll, there isn't a parent out there who would deliberately choose to live in the same household. They raised us and then broke our dinner plate.....I bet they never thought there would come a time when they would have to depend on us to supply their needs. I'm wondering why the wait for a weigh-in or neuro appt when it's fairly obvious what is going on? The dementia changes every aspect of their lives, from simple thought processes to the desire to eat and take a bath. We are the ones who are supposed to change the way we do things, not the other way around because the dementia mind is not capable of doing that. But thank goodness there are chemicals to help that along!
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Jam: Amen! Accept the things I cannot change ~ I look forward to positive changes in my life, my mom's, and everyone else's lives. It it true that those suffering are our loved ones and ourselves ... I cannot change my mom's resistance to a happy, healthy life ... but I can change my perspective on how I accept her choice to live her life unhappy and unhealthy but that does not mean I have to accept that philosophy. That's why I am looking forward to her weigh in on 1/13 and her neuro appt on 2/3 ... light will shine on what is really going on here and the stresses both she and I feel while trying to make sense of it all. Amen to your post.
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I have been reading back over some of the posts from the last several days and I see there are a lot of mixed feelings toward the job that we all have undertaken and I understand that it is becoming too overwhelming for some and maybe it's time to take a new look at what "you" are doing. I wonder how many truly understand that to take care of yourself first is to make sure you are in the right frame of mind and physically able to put your loved one's care as your number 1.5 priority? When we said "yes" to this job, it meant either do it until the death of your loved one or you were no longer physically or mentally able to do it. And if that time comes, then find a place to move your loved one to so that they are properly taken care of and their needs are being met. Sometimes the job just gets to be such an interference that it is the parent who suffers the most...and that is a sad thing because they don't realize what an impact their care makes on our lives and unfortunately it's hard to hide that. So I'm asking that those having a hard time right now, please do the loving act of placing your parent and take back your life.
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What I actually sleep in is a pair of shorts and a tee shirt, but you'd never convince them of that. I never know when I'll be needed and it's a little inconvenient to go lift someone into their bed in something with skinny straps that want to fall.

And when I hit my forties and began to see some lines around my eyes and mouth, I stopped wearing a ton of makeup. It just settled in them and made them look worse than they really were. I also grew my hair down to my fanny just because I could. Those are just two more of the issues they have with me.

Like I really care how I look to a checker in a grocery store....
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Ladee, I promised myself that when I wore that, it would be a special occasion. Nothing special about shocking the relatives. All I have to do is fold my underwear in front of them if I want to do that or greet them at the door without having a bra on. It doesn't matter if I'm inside my own home and going nowhere, I'm still expected to bind myself up.
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Maya, why don't you just have your sexy stuff on the next time they come over??? NOW they have something to talk about.....
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Notlikemom, you sound like you are getting some confidence back... and yes you can so some things that are tough... and yes some of our charges will pay consequences, but not eating is not an option... we have a moral obligation to make sure they eat... things like being ugly, as your mom tends to be, those consequences can be you not playing the game... and I see you trying to get a handle on that, and not let her rip your heart out anymore.... you have made some quick progress since you first started posting.... you were just needing some support and validation... you already had your answers....
Glad you are getting to sleep in your own bed tonight, and what a sweetie you are for giving up your bed.... also glad you had a good time with them there....now back to the grind for us... I am glad the holidays are over, and we have new opportunities to do some things different this year... live and learn....
burned, good to hear from you, sounds like some things are making a slow turnaround for you.... I know it has been rough for you.... hope you get some help with those migraines... keep in touch.....
Seeme, sorry you are feeling so bad... you are just so worn down from everything... hope you get in with the Dr... let us know how you are feeling tomorrow....
It is finally quite, called the cops again... had been hearing that mess since 10 this morning.... now my head doesn't feel like it is going to explode...
talk to ya'll tomorrow.. hugs and angels....
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I'm doing my best to find the fun in dysfunctional here, folks. Help me out!
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My mother's sister and my sister are known for finding fault with everything I do. It doesn't matter what it is, they find fault. Her sister isn't welcome in our home because of it.

One of my arms doesn't extend out any longer due to a shattered elbow and the complications from it. And there's always the broken back I got when I was thrown from a horse. I have to take things a little at a time.

That being said, I make sure that my mother has what she needs and then, if I have any energy left, I do the rest. I can't let myself worry too much about cleaning like the queen (as she seemed to believe she was) is coming. My mother has clean clothes, her meds, good food to eat and my company for as long as I can do it. I still have boxes in the living room to unpack, but getting her bedroom and the equipment she uses on a daily basis came first.

Speaking of housework, does anyone HATE glass topped tables as much as I do? I told my mother's sister-in-law that if they'd been mine, I'd have taken a hammer to them long ago. Wood is a whole lot easier to take care of and a whole lot more forgiving when you just poop out.

And if they saw the black peignoir, they'd really have a fit. So, maybe I put that and the purple negligee out for the cousins to take a gander at. What do you think?

One of my cousins thinks that even a husband shouldn't see his wife naked, so I let a little tidbit drop on the subject. She actually got a little angry that anyone would do such a thing.
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I'm so much calmer after I've read through the posts. Thanks always.
Vic-glad you enjoyed your respite. You deserve it.
Rossell-I am thinking about what you wrote to Peg about not being able to change the mentality of people. it hit home.
Emjo-what a wonderful break - even if it means going further north!
Stormy-your brother, father, and you are in my prayers.
SDPeg-so glad you connected with your cousin! And what you wrote about our charges making their own choices with consiquenses also hit home.
Mayasbop-I cringed when I read about pulling out the sofa to check the baseboards. My mom hasn't done that, but my level of cleaning has been in question since she moved in. As well as the way i dress, drive, cook, well you get the idea. I will NOT be cleaning the baseboards anytime soon, but I will laugh the next time she starts in on me. And maybe leave some of my better sleeping wear (not really for sleeping!) laying around just to see her reaction. If your family could go on that long about underwear, it would be a hoot here. (JK) Smiles and hugs.
I like having something to call how I feel these days, and FOG works. I am mostly still in the fear part of it, I think. But I know I have done some brave things in my life, and can do them again. I don't make resolutions, but I will be working on being braver this year. I think it will make all the rest of this easier.
After my sis and her girls had left, we got a call that Dad's 1/2 brother is dying of lung cancer and going to hospice. Because of family dynamics, Dad didn't even ask Mom to go with him. Maybe he's getting wise. It was actually nice to see my aunts after 20 years. God bless my dad and I hope he is able to keep these relationships now when he really needs them.
One more day off work, which I will use to start putting my house back in order. And I get to sleep in my own bed tonight! I miss sis and the girls, but it really will be nice to be off that cot. :)
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Peg...I do hope you will ask the doctor for something to spur your mother's appetite. While it may not seem like a long time from March to Jamuary, she can have developed significant changes in her thinking, as many do as they get older. Medicines can have an effect as well. My mom had a skewed diet all her life where half a donut was breakfast, candy bar for lunch, etc., but like I told her, she had never been 80 before. "I've been ugly for almost 60 years, but that don't make it right", is what I used to say to her. And she never wanted to be fat. She got malnourished by sucking Jolly Ranchers candy all day long to put moisture back in her mouth after a new set of dentures. I allowed it to happen. And yes, as time went on I had to take more control of her well-being. She couldn't cook anymore and forgot how to make things. I would ask her for suggestions for meals or seasonings to make the flavor more appealing. Caregiving is definitely hard work...
And do you have arrangements made, if she is placed somewhere, regarding your own living conditions if you are living in her house? Aways something to think about.............

And Happy New Year to Everyone. My headcold has gone to my throat on the way to bronchitis. Will be calling the doctor in the morning..............later...........
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Well new years eve ended on a good note...i let the kids stay up til midnight and a lil past and everyone got a chance to sleep in. Hubby blood pressure is still too low and his color was off last night but improved.. He is having one of those sleep phases again...meanwhile he is bit upset about me permanently taking over financials in order to keep hospice care going. It has be 2000 dollars or less to qualify and renewal is due for april. Meanwhile I am hanging in there tho some of my migraines have been pretty bad and I been snappish. My son turns 5 soon so I got a birthday cake to bake and to take him birthday shopping but i dunno how i am gonna manage that hubby has 2 diff appts this wk and then my daughter gets some more fillings done....then i have to call the specialists and arrange those appts while i am waiting for my referrals to come thru which wont happen until after I renew medicaid for the kids n I since I do not have health insurance yet with the agency I work for but the only good is that I am gonna get time and a half for christmas and today...so I cannot wait to see how much I get ....sorry if i am not posting too much just way too busy at others times and too tired at others but ty for being a great bunch of folks:)
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So good to hear from you ASG.... I tell you all the time how much I miss you here, but know you are busy.... and good for ignoring auntie....and good for you about the excercise... if it's only walking.... will clear your head, and it will just feel better, if you loose some weight, that will be an extra benifit.....hope you have a good new year, love ya and miss ya.... hugs and angels....
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Good Afternoon Posse! Happy New Year!

yearight........I hope you sign on again at least one more time since we would like to send our condolences on your loss. Give yourself time to heal physically and mentally and know that hugs and prayers are sent to you.

ASG....good to read from you! We shot off a couple of fireworks last night, then went to bed like all old folks do...lol. I've already had one nap today....going to make it two shortly.

Hope everyone is enjoying the first day of a great new year for all of us! I can already see some changes and it promises to be interesting. The col has decided she needs a new car...........she can't tell us how she will drive it, but she just knows she needs to get a new one since she will be coming home soon and won't have to bother us with picking her up. Oh my goodness......as I've said before, the light is on but ain't nobody home......:)

Nap time has arrived........will check back later to see how everyone's day went.

Happy Trails,
Jam
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Yearight...so good to hear from you. Sorry about the folks. Many of the posters have gone on from cargiving it gives us who are still knee deep into it a reminder that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hugged to ya.
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Happy new year to my neatest friends:) hope you all have a better one than last. This too shall pass....something my grandmother always said and something I live by still to this day. I will say this home cargiving stuff...has forced me at times to ask "when"? Peg dee, glad you were able to work things out. Funny about he underwear. They must not have had anything better to do. I would have been inclined to add to their juicy suspicions!!! I would have left those fancy pants in the strangest places. UNDER my car....on the flag pole...probably even stuck a pair or two or three under each of there beds....so they could find them for each other then gain suspicions amongst themselves;) ok who visited the laundry room at midnight? Hubby had a beer win his buddy. Me and a friend had a sip of cheap wine to ring in the new year. Nothing to exciting. Auntie saw the beer cans this morning and made a comment. I ignored her. Figured it really wasn't her buissness. So long as we didn't get to liquerd up to handle emergency. And trust me we don't drink that much. Im going to try to lose a few pounds I put on over the last year. Key word try. Not setting myself any numbers just going to commit to sticking to some exercise through out the whole year.
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Happy New Year.
Vic: glad you were able to have some respite. That is all too important. Let us all be blessed this year with many hours of respite.
Emjo: funny!!!!
Last night I was blessed to resolve a past issue with a cousin. There was a misunderstanding almost 50 years ago ... she opened her heart and told me her perspective of what happened and I gave her my perspective, I apologized for hurting her feelings and we are good now. Open and honest communication is what relationships are all about. We have always lived miles apart, one on one coast and one on another, but we are praying we meet up in 2012 to solidify our new bond.
Wanted to start the new year on a very happy note.
Yes I lounged and slept alot (fatigue from finals and holidays caught up with me). Mom IS quite capable of getting her own food, chose not to, and ate breakfast because I put it out, perhaps did something for dinner. She used to get all her own meals before we returned to this house in March; I am hoping she will resume her task. Her breakfast is usually graham crackers, lunch has routinely been some cookie and a good dinner that Dad would take her out to. Things have changed. Although she is financially able to eat out all the time, I don't have the time/energy to go out. So perhaps she ate yesterday and perhaps she didn't. Even when food is placed in front of her she does not eat it so this issue didn't bother me enough to get me up and out of bed. The pace I was keeping with being full time student AND caregiver has caught on with me. So today I will rest as well. I already put out her breakfast and her rxs.
She has a weigh in on the 13th and although doc said to gain weight and get healthy, my mom has lost about 3 pounds since October. The proof is in the pudding as the saying goes ... doc will make her recommendations. I can lead this horse to water but I cannot make her drink ... so life goes on ... I just want quality of life for her but if she does not want that as well, it is a lost cause.
The Twilight zone has a marathon this weekend ... sometimes that's where I am living in. ha ha
Hope all is well as we enjoy the blessings 2012 will bring us.
Do your best and to God leave the rest.
God bless you, SDPeg
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Oh emjo too funny!!!

Happy new year everyone! It is a state of mind to make it happy despite the all the stuff we go through dad to day..siblings cousins... Especially our loved ones that we care for. For me guilt comes from when I don't think I am doing a job well enough..so I have to look in the mirror and say I am to the best that I can. God is beside me in front of me and behind me taking care of me...so who am I to feel guilt. It does rear its ugly head..
We came home to mom and dad this morning..mom is emotionally drained she had good time with brother. And dad was confused abut where he is..he says that looks like our table , this house is as pretty as ours..etc... Don't know what is going on. Hope it isn't a UTI. He is on the toilet right now and I can't get a straight answer it of him. Poor papa.. Hate to see him this way but we have to take it one day at a time! Respite was good, it was so nice to be at home and lay like slugs...
I just caught up on all posts...praying for all of you..decisions and pain ...love and struggles. This too shall pass. Have to take it a moment at a time. Love and prayers
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Well the last one did not go through so here we go again - Happy New Year everyone!
FOG free for sure. or working on it
((!(((hugs)))))

maya - some stunted growth there for sure with your cousins - why don't you send flubby, tubby and no-tail each a pair of cheap naughty panties for an anonymous present - I would love to see their faces - yes, find the fun in dysfunctional - this has gone on too long -sometimes you just gotta break loose

once I told my sister a guy had kissed me and she told mother "something" so next thing mother told me to marry the guy and have his child - like WT? - just plain nasty and many more examples like that - BTDT and have cut myself off

I know if you are from a normal family it is hard to understand the feelings that things bring up, as it is hard for me who is from a dysfunctional family to understand how "normal" families work as well as they do.

An outhouse story to bring in the New Year - the road north has been improved and now there are a few tin, unlit, unheated, outhouses along the way. This is a huge improvement and what's more they have toilet paper in them!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!! I was so excited about the toilet paper that in the dark, (unlit) I didn't realise that they had lids too, ..... so... you can guess the rest and I had to clean it up .Oh Lord!
save me from myself and keep me laughing at me - my prayer fpr the new year.

G just handed me a freshly made plate of ham, eggs, and a waffle and wished me happy New year. I think I can live with that.

have a good one
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You know, it probably shouldn't bother me that much, but even now, they're still firmly convinced that they were right, that they had the true story figured out. And I'm too old and too worn out to keep fighting the battle to regain my reputation.

I moved here for my mother's quality of life to improve. It cut down the distance between my younger siblings and us to less than half of what it was before. It's an easy trip for both of them to make, but we haven't seen either of them. Nor have we seen any of their grown children. Distance was their excuse before we moved, but I fail to see what their problem is now.

Otherwise, I wouldn't have moved my mother and had to start over with all new doctors, all new everything, especially considering her age and physical conditions. I surely would not have put myself in the position of having to deal with the speculation that the cousins do in their own minds, speculation that they spread around like stinky manure on a garden.
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Happy New Year everyone.... it's going to be different, maybe not better in all cases, but different....
Maya, because I have nothing to do with my family I have no idea what they say about me, but my attitude is if they are talking about me they are leaving someone else alone for a little while....
So here is hoping we have some great and positive adventures this next year.... I felt like I had been a very long race this past year, and it is finally over.... I won because I perservered.... but am going to have more fun this next year... I am tired of being a "grown up" all the time....and I know some question that last statement, but I am a grown up when I have to be... just going to eliminate some of the "have to be's".....
hugs and angels
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Starri, it's been a subject of discussion for years with some of my relatives...

For my twentieth birthday, my mother went to a Vanity Fair outlet and bought some new underwear for me for my birthday. She sent it to me via her oldest because I was living away from my parents in another state. It was just pretty underwear, but it was anything but plain white cotton. It wasn't sleazy, it just wasn't anything my cousins would have been allowed by their mothers in their underwear drawers. It didn't even come close to anything from Victoria's Secret, but you'd have thought it was. To some of them, it was scandalous and it mean that I was really a slut and was keeping a secret life on the side.

I'm serious as a heart attack. They actually thought that back then and they're still convinced they're still right. One of them asked my mother to tell her the truth, that my mother had really bought it for herself and passed it along to me. Except, as my mother pointed out, if she'd have bought it for herself, it would have had to be several sizes larger than it was. The cousins really went to town with their speculation. And their speculation took on a life of its own. All of a sudden, I was supposed to be sneaking around with every man out there. One of my uncles even asked me if I was in love with his son. Uh, no. That's just nasty, you know.

The truth of the matter is that the only time I was EVER away from relatives was the eight hours I worked. I was dropped off at work by a cousin and I rode home from work with a cousin. I lived at my aunt's house. I lived a very chaste and celibate life and yet, my underwear just had to mean that I was a slut, don't you know?

I guess they had to speculate about something. I wasn't desperately seeking a husband like one was. Nor was I talking to a married man every single afternoon and telling my parents that he was just calling about my car.

Ever know anyone who gave their father money to go and order flowers for her on Valentine's Day? I know someone in the cousins who actually did that because she didn't want her co-workers to know that she didn't have a boyfriend. Sorry, but I was never that desperate.

And they run their mouths about me....
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Starri: thank you for your well wishes. I am waiting for 2011 to be over with ~ going to embrace 2012 as the year of positive changes. Hugs to you as well SDPeg
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OOOOH, Maya, I haven't heard about the undie scandal, got to get story.. just wanted to pop in and tell everyone Happy New Year, I hope that the coming year brings you health, wealth and happiness, that all the care givers here get rest, and peace.

Big Hugs to all.
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By the way, ask Emjo about the great underwear scandal....

Do you know how great she is at finding the fun in dysfunctional?
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I'm about to go online and pay bills. Then, it's hotdogs and diet soda and frozen sugar-free pudding for dessert. Then, it's crime shows all evening until bedtime. I have to be up for church in the morning. I'm too old for late night anything anymore.
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