This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
And when I hit my forties and began to see some lines around my eyes and mouth, I stopped wearing a ton of makeup. It just settled in them and made them look worse than they really were. I also grew my hair down to my fanny just because I could. Those are just two more of the issues they have with me.
Like I really care how I look to a checker in a grocery store....
Glad you are getting to sleep in your own bed tonight, and what a sweetie you are for giving up your bed.... also glad you had a good time with them there....now back to the grind for us... I am glad the holidays are over, and we have new opportunities to do some things different this year... live and learn....
burned, good to hear from you, sounds like some things are making a slow turnaround for you.... I know it has been rough for you.... hope you get some help with those migraines... keep in touch.....
Seeme, sorry you are feeling so bad... you are just so worn down from everything... hope you get in with the Dr... let us know how you are feeling tomorrow....
It is finally quite, called the cops again... had been hearing that mess since 10 this morning.... now my head doesn't feel like it is going to explode...
talk to ya'll tomorrow.. hugs and angels....
One of my arms doesn't extend out any longer due to a shattered elbow and the complications from it. And there's always the broken back I got when I was thrown from a horse. I have to take things a little at a time.
That being said, I make sure that my mother has what she needs and then, if I have any energy left, I do the rest. I can't let myself worry too much about cleaning like the queen (as she seemed to believe she was) is coming. My mother has clean clothes, her meds, good food to eat and my company for as long as I can do it. I still have boxes in the living room to unpack, but getting her bedroom and the equipment she uses on a daily basis came first.
Speaking of housework, does anyone HATE glass topped tables as much as I do? I told my mother's sister-in-law that if they'd been mine, I'd have taken a hammer to them long ago. Wood is a whole lot easier to take care of and a whole lot more forgiving when you just poop out.
And if they saw the black peignoir, they'd really have a fit. So, maybe I put that and the purple negligee out for the cousins to take a gander at. What do you think?
One of my cousins thinks that even a husband shouldn't see his wife naked, so I let a little tidbit drop on the subject. She actually got a little angry that anyone would do such a thing.
Vic-glad you enjoyed your respite. You deserve it.
Rossell-I am thinking about what you wrote to Peg about not being able to change the mentality of people. it hit home.
Emjo-what a wonderful break - even if it means going further north!
Stormy-your brother, father, and you are in my prayers.
SDPeg-so glad you connected with your cousin! And what you wrote about our charges making their own choices with consiquenses also hit home.
Mayasbop-I cringed when I read about pulling out the sofa to check the baseboards. My mom hasn't done that, but my level of cleaning has been in question since she moved in. As well as the way i dress, drive, cook, well you get the idea. I will NOT be cleaning the baseboards anytime soon, but I will laugh the next time she starts in on me. And maybe leave some of my better sleeping wear (not really for sleeping!) laying around just to see her reaction. If your family could go on that long about underwear, it would be a hoot here. (JK) Smiles and hugs.
I like having something to call how I feel these days, and FOG works. I am mostly still in the fear part of it, I think. But I know I have done some brave things in my life, and can do them again. I don't make resolutions, but I will be working on being braver this year. I think it will make all the rest of this easier.
After my sis and her girls had left, we got a call that Dad's 1/2 brother is dying of lung cancer and going to hospice. Because of family dynamics, Dad didn't even ask Mom to go with him. Maybe he's getting wise. It was actually nice to see my aunts after 20 years. God bless my dad and I hope he is able to keep these relationships now when he really needs them.
One more day off work, which I will use to start putting my house back in order. And I get to sleep in my own bed tonight! I miss sis and the girls, but it really will be nice to be off that cot. :)
And do you have arrangements made, if she is placed somewhere, regarding your own living conditions if you are living in her house? Aways something to think about.............
And Happy New Year to Everyone. My headcold has gone to my throat on the way to bronchitis. Will be calling the doctor in the morning..............later...........
yearight........I hope you sign on again at least one more time since we would like to send our condolences on your loss. Give yourself time to heal physically and mentally and know that hugs and prayers are sent to you.
ASG....good to read from you! We shot off a couple of fireworks last night, then went to bed like all old folks do...lol. I've already had one nap today....going to make it two shortly.
Hope everyone is enjoying the first day of a great new year for all of us! I can already see some changes and it promises to be interesting. The col has decided she needs a new car...........she can't tell us how she will drive it, but she just knows she needs to get a new one since she will be coming home soon and won't have to bother us with picking her up. Oh my goodness......as I've said before, the light is on but ain't nobody home......:)
Nap time has arrived........will check back later to see how everyone's day went.
Happy Trails,
Jam
Vic: glad you were able to have some respite. That is all too important. Let us all be blessed this year with many hours of respite.
Emjo: funny!!!!
Last night I was blessed to resolve a past issue with a cousin. There was a misunderstanding almost 50 years ago ... she opened her heart and told me her perspective of what happened and I gave her my perspective, I apologized for hurting her feelings and we are good now. Open and honest communication is what relationships are all about. We have always lived miles apart, one on one coast and one on another, but we are praying we meet up in 2012 to solidify our new bond.
Wanted to start the new year on a very happy note.
Yes I lounged and slept alot (fatigue from finals and holidays caught up with me). Mom IS quite capable of getting her own food, chose not to, and ate breakfast because I put it out, perhaps did something for dinner. She used to get all her own meals before we returned to this house in March; I am hoping she will resume her task. Her breakfast is usually graham crackers, lunch has routinely been some cookie and a good dinner that Dad would take her out to. Things have changed. Although she is financially able to eat out all the time, I don't have the time/energy to go out. So perhaps she ate yesterday and perhaps she didn't. Even when food is placed in front of her she does not eat it so this issue didn't bother me enough to get me up and out of bed. The pace I was keeping with being full time student AND caregiver has caught on with me. So today I will rest as well. I already put out her breakfast and her rxs.
She has a weigh in on the 13th and although doc said to gain weight and get healthy, my mom has lost about 3 pounds since October. The proof is in the pudding as the saying goes ... doc will make her recommendations. I can lead this horse to water but I cannot make her drink ... so life goes on ... I just want quality of life for her but if she does not want that as well, it is a lost cause.
The Twilight zone has a marathon this weekend ... sometimes that's where I am living in. ha ha
Hope all is well as we enjoy the blessings 2012 will bring us.
Do your best and to God leave the rest.
God bless you, SDPeg
Happy new year everyone! It is a state of mind to make it happy despite the all the stuff we go through dad to day..siblings cousins... Especially our loved ones that we care for. For me guilt comes from when I don't think I am doing a job well enough..so I have to look in the mirror and say I am to the best that I can. God is beside me in front of me and behind me taking care of me...so who am I to feel guilt. It does rear its ugly head..
We came home to mom and dad this morning..mom is emotionally drained she had good time with brother. And dad was confused abut where he is..he says that looks like our table , this house is as pretty as ours..etc... Don't know what is going on. Hope it isn't a UTI. He is on the toilet right now and I can't get a straight answer it of him. Poor papa.. Hate to see him this way but we have to take it one day at a time! Respite was good, it was so nice to be at home and lay like slugs...
I just caught up on all posts...praying for all of you..decisions and pain ...love and struggles. This too shall pass. Have to take it a moment at a time. Love and prayers
FOG free for sure. or working on it
((!(((hugs)))))
maya - some stunted growth there for sure with your cousins - why don't you send flubby, tubby and no-tail each a pair of cheap naughty panties for an anonymous present - I would love to see their faces - yes, find the fun in dysfunctional - this has gone on too long -sometimes you just gotta break loose
once I told my sister a guy had kissed me and she told mother "something" so next thing mother told me to marry the guy and have his child - like WT? - just plain nasty and many more examples like that - BTDT and have cut myself off
I know if you are from a normal family it is hard to understand the feelings that things bring up, as it is hard for me who is from a dysfunctional family to understand how "normal" families work as well as they do.
An outhouse story to bring in the New Year - the road north has been improved and now there are a few tin, unlit, unheated, outhouses along the way. This is a huge improvement and what's more they have toilet paper in them!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!! I was so excited about the toilet paper that in the dark, (unlit) I didn't realise that they had lids too, ..... so... you can guess the rest and I had to clean it up .Oh Lord!
save me from myself and keep me laughing at me - my prayer fpr the new year.
G just handed me a freshly made plate of ham, eggs, and a waffle and wished me happy New year. I think I can live with that.
have a good one
I moved here for my mother's quality of life to improve. It cut down the distance between my younger siblings and us to less than half of what it was before. It's an easy trip for both of them to make, but we haven't seen either of them. Nor have we seen any of their grown children. Distance was their excuse before we moved, but I fail to see what their problem is now.
Otherwise, I wouldn't have moved my mother and had to start over with all new doctors, all new everything, especially considering her age and physical conditions. I surely would not have put myself in the position of having to deal with the speculation that the cousins do in their own minds, speculation that they spread around like stinky manure on a garden.
Maya, because I have nothing to do with my family I have no idea what they say about me, but my attitude is if they are talking about me they are leaving someone else alone for a little while....
So here is hoping we have some great and positive adventures this next year.... I felt like I had been a very long race this past year, and it is finally over.... I won because I perservered.... but am going to have more fun this next year... I am tired of being a "grown up" all the time....and I know some question that last statement, but I am a grown up when I have to be... just going to eliminate some of the "have to be's".....
hugs and angels
For my twentieth birthday, my mother went to a Vanity Fair outlet and bought some new underwear for me for my birthday. She sent it to me via her oldest because I was living away from my parents in another state. It was just pretty underwear, but it was anything but plain white cotton. It wasn't sleazy, it just wasn't anything my cousins would have been allowed by their mothers in their underwear drawers. It didn't even come close to anything from Victoria's Secret, but you'd have thought it was. To some of them, it was scandalous and it mean that I was really a slut and was keeping a secret life on the side.
I'm serious as a heart attack. They actually thought that back then and they're still convinced they're still right. One of them asked my mother to tell her the truth, that my mother had really bought it for herself and passed it along to me. Except, as my mother pointed out, if she'd have bought it for herself, it would have had to be several sizes larger than it was. The cousins really went to town with their speculation. And their speculation took on a life of its own. All of a sudden, I was supposed to be sneaking around with every man out there. One of my uncles even asked me if I was in love with his son. Uh, no. That's just nasty, you know.
The truth of the matter is that the only time I was EVER away from relatives was the eight hours I worked. I was dropped off at work by a cousin and I rode home from work with a cousin. I lived at my aunt's house. I lived a very chaste and celibate life and yet, my underwear just had to mean that I was a slut, don't you know?
I guess they had to speculate about something. I wasn't desperately seeking a husband like one was. Nor was I talking to a married man every single afternoon and telling my parents that he was just calling about my car.
Ever know anyone who gave their father money to go and order flowers for her on Valentine's Day? I know someone in the cousins who actually did that because she didn't want her co-workers to know that she didn't have a boyfriend. Sorry, but I was never that desperate.
And they run their mouths about me....
Big Hugs to all.
Do you know how great she is at finding the fun in dysfunctional?