This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
From the email I receive from this site. This is very interesting, eye opening, and offers many suggestions. I am sure we all receive this but it bears reposting. I was brought up with all the generational and religious guilt but early on learned the difference between being responsible for my own actions and feeling convicted in my soul if I did wrong. Guilt is not something I do. I do take time to analyze if, as the article explains, will the world survive without me? Ha! Of course it will, it did 58 years ago before I was born and it will after I die.
I found if I look up synonyms for buzz words then I feel better because it takes the power away from the buzz word. Today I put out breakfast for mom and went back to bed. She dislikes eating anyway so lunch is hit and miss and something will get thrown together for dinner. I don't feel guilty; I feel rested.
So my suggestion for 2012 is to remove the power words and people have on us, evaluate ourselves and ask if we feel we are or have done all we can and keep surrounding ourselves with friends that lovingly support us in our times of need.
I know it is difficult to live our lives for others. I did that in my day care for so many years. I don't feel guilty praying my mom's doc places her or gets more help into this house for her because I know I cannot do for her what she needs done. It is in knowing MY limitations that allows me to reach out and find those that can and are willing to help so that mom gets the care SHE needs. That's my focus. If I am in school and she is alone and fearful, someone needs to come in to be with her because I certainly am NOT going to stop going to school simply because she has an issue of being alone. That's her challenge, as my counselor told me, and it is not my problem to solve. Mom and I can solve it together. I can offer help to come in, if she says no to that idea, then I leave and she is alone in her own fears. That's her choice.
I brought my children up with choices, consequences to those choices, and that's what I continue to do in my own life and others. It is your choice to do what you do in your given situation as it is my choice to do what I do in mine. I choose to continue my education as my mom chose to live her life and placed her mom. Although she says she wished she could have done things differently she lived her own life. And that's what I choose to do. I will continue to care for my mom in ways that I am able to do and really can't do much more than that. We all reach a point where we have to make the choices that puts our own lives first because long after these loved ones are gone, we will still be here. And I don't want to be so broken and bitter than I then become a burden on someone else.
The article is great. I learned a lot. Consider the repost a gift from me. Hope you glean what you need from it as well.
Embracing the new year as our friendships flourish.
SDPeg
Stormy best wishes about dad and brother, I know you are strong, really your plate is full, now...
Good night and have a nice evening, everyone!
May 2112 also be F.O.G. free!
Having said that, I know I'll be able to do it with a heavy heart only because it will be the best thing for Mom - and for us, too. Sometimes, AL is the kindest thing for our loved ones because if we care for them with resentment in our hearts we don't help anyone.
I think honesty with ourselves is the best medicine and a gift we give our loved ones in this circumstance. Certainly, it is a hard pill to swallow.
I hope that I can remember these thoughts when it comes my turn to make the decision. You'll remind me, won't you?
As cmag said, we need a guilt free new year! Be safe tonight, everyone!
The physical labor of care giving is over but my body is so broke down and so is my mind and emotions. I don't know when or if I will recover.
I have my family and job so that still keeps me busy and allows me to not deal with my present dismal state of exsistance.
Oh well, such is life.
I hope you all have a satisfying new year. Peace and prayers
I wish everyone a happy and guilt free New Year in 2012!
yes, it has been one long year, and I personally am glad it is coming to an end...too much loss for me this year, Ruth, my nephew Howard, my ability to walk without pain....too many changes in living situations.... from riches to rags, but still grateful for a roof over my head and the ability to not have to depend on anyone....I do have a good job, tho I am burned out and need a break....but who on here doesn't... whether it be family situations, sons with untreated seizures, a park full of illegals... Lord are they having a reunion next door???? Met my neighbor today, at least he can speak English and who knows he may be my future ex husband..... rofl...... NOT....
After he and I chatted for awhile, he said ,you are a very nice lady, my reply, yeah some days I am..... just letting him know...
Got a new book so am going to go read and relax for awhile.. told Jam I am waiting until next year to clean my house...
hugs and angels....
Checking in before I go back to doing what I was.....NOTHING.....lol.
Let's see, I think seeme still has the crown for posting #1000...maybe it's time to pass the crown to emjo for 5000? This is a very ornate crown.......and is whatever you want to make it in your mind......from dripping with jewels to just plain gold....but it has to be 24K gold.....only the best for us!!
We've all have had time to reflect back on this year that is ending...and what a year it has been for all of us. Some are learning the trials and tribulations of care giving, some have moved on to new care giving, some have turned the job over to others, there are those who have lost their loved ones and those who continue to be the best care giver possible. The impact that the care giving has had on each of us is different but we still are able to come here and share our "war stories" and hopefully can walk away having learned a little something new. Some of you are dealing with feelings that are becoming overwhelming and I would like to challenge you to deal with those in such a way that you can see the positives in care giving and not always the negative. Some of you have come to terms with the fact that you can no longer do this job the way you want to.....and there is nothing wrong with that, it's called being human......I notice that word....GUILT....is starting to creep into the conversations. Is there anyone who can give me a valid explanation of why? I am asking you to convince me that your reasons of feeling guilty are valid and the difference in care giving caused by that guilt. I feel that once a person has decided on a course of action, there is no room for feelings of guilt.....convince me I'm wrong please.
This has been one hell of a year for all of us.............and I am sending prayers, angels and hugs to each and every one of you that you start this New Year with some semblance of peace in your hearts and minds. I wish you all health and happiness and well as those whom you are caring for.
Love and Hugs to all my little chicks,
Jam
Seeme, sorry you are down with a cold....guess your body is just tore down from everything you have been thru this past year.... take it easy, and stay warm.....
mis, I am sorry the drama queen is there making empty and meaningless noise... and trust yourself... maybe you will get to say something after all is said and done... or you will decide she is not worth your dignity..... some people only see the world in how it is about them, so nothing you say will change anything, just come here and tell us what you would like to tell her, you'll get it out... won't cause any problems....and you'll feel better....
I think today is the day to share with you mis, about something that happened when I was caring for Ruth.... she had last stage Alz. and was one aggresive hand full. One night she was going to leave the house, all the doors had key locks on them so she wasn't going anywhere, but she had paced the floor for hours... angry, angry, angry, speaking German and just wearing me out.... I went to try and settle her one more time and in the process she fell, she had bones like steel, so after trying to check her out with her kicking and screaming, I decided to change her pants while she was down.... so I take the depends down, and to my astonishment..... she had three table knives and a banana in her pants...... now I thought I had been watching her all this time.. apparently not.... but I know the look on my face was a Kodak moment..... threw all the 'contraband' away and immedietly got on the sight.... that is definatly something I had to share with other caregivers... I got the nickname Chiquita for awhile(this was on another thread) and needless to say we had fun with this for quite awhile....So when you get on overload you can just picture sil with a banana in her pants.....
Stormy, hope dad is doing better today.... and glad to hear sis is at least willing to try the life alert....too bad she feels like she is responsible for your moms death, I personally feel God is in charge of that, regarless of what humans attempt to do to prolong it... just my opinion....but at the same time I can understand how she feels...
I know I haven't addressed everyone this morning... I'm out of smokes, and sorry, that is priorty....... gotta go and will check back in later....hugs and angels......
It galls the older sister and my mother's older siblings that my mother and I have gotten closer over the years. Part of it was of necessity as her conditions seemed to multiply and worsen. Part of it was simply filling a void that siblings helped create by being absent from her life in any meaningful way. They didn't want to be involved when she needed. It is particularly upsetting to them that they no longer get to dismiss me as nothing but a servant, so their days of ordering me around as such are over. I put my foot down and told them ALL no.
If I told you that my mother's older sister actually pulled a sofa out to show me where I had missed cleaning the baseboard, would you believe me? It truly did happen. And yet, the storm didn't hit until I caught the woman snooping through drawers and rooms where she had no business being. I called her on it and when she began to argue with me, she awakened my mother. Then, she got caught in some lies that she'd told because when I asked her about them, she didn't have enough time to think up anything to excuse it. Oops. Maybe she should have kept her mouth shut, huh? And maybe she should respect the fact that she's a guest and not get into our business. Who knows? Maybe my older sibling sent her snooping since she doesn't seem to have a problem doing so either. My mother's sister stormed out, went to a hotel and called my sibling's husband to come and rescue her, instead of being an adult and staying to deal with what she'd said and done. Oh, poor baby, wasn't she?
Turns out that my mother was just as tired of her sister's ways as I was. Next time her sister showed up unannounced from out of town, my mother told her that she needed to apologize to me for the way she'd acted and the things she'd said. When she told my mother that she wasn't going to apologize to me for anything, my mother told her to leave, that she was not welcome. She left in tears with clinched fists at me.
And geez, I even drove down to the pharmacy so that my mother could visit with her without my being there, but even then, her sister had to show her fanny. My mother finally stopped being the five year old that her sister seemed to believe she was and stood up to the woman.
I was actually kind of proud that she stood her ground.
SDPeg.....I have been the chosen one all my life. I didn't ask for it, didn't really want it, but I couldn't do anything about it. I have even yelled at my older sister for not being around us more since she was the oldest and it should have fallen to her. My husband is the first boy in his family and as such, his dad made him the chosen one, much to the dismay of his older sister. But the baby is the favorite. Not having any children of my own, I can't relate to it or determine why this happens, but it does. But as Rosella said, you can't change the past. But how you remember being raised is your reality as it was. Why let this change your memories? Why does it matter? Can't fix it and maybe he didn't ask for it either.
stormy your more than welcome.
As far as grandma goes she didn't eat much last night and was sleeping. They said this is normal when someone has a brain bleed. They just got her on comfort meds now. Been dealing with the sil that didn't come around much and barely called. I told Rob that I'm not keeping any promises, but I'll Try to be nice. I know this isn't the time to raise a some caine, but it's coming. Sil is trying to make up for lost time, but it's a little too late for that.
I want you all to know that its a joy for me to come in here when i'm feeling a little down. You all make me laugh at things and give me so much encouragement when i needed it the most, so Thank-you. I hope you all have a wonderful New Year 2012.
Mis- I talked to sis about the life alert, I was worried that she would say no to it, but she didn't she said that we can get it and try it out. Thank you for offering it to us. We do appreciate it! How is your grandma doing? Any improvements since the stroke. My prayers are with you and her!!!
Emjo-Ros- thank you for your concern. Yes, he has been through the ringer.
Jam-Ladee- in response to my other post the other day about the life alert and sis feeling guilty if something should happen to our father on her watch. I know she is probably thinking that too. Because when my mom died she had congestive heart failure and she woke up one morning and couldn't breathe. My dad called sis and told her and sis rushed to their house to get the oxygen tank started for her and she was trying cpr on mom but it was too late. And i know sis feels some sort of guilt over not being able to save mom. She has told me this. So i know she is thinking that history could repeat itself with dad. Well I hope everyone has a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!! My love and Hugs to you all!!!! Stormyyyy
I am been south many times but only that far north once, Where is your sense of adventure??? When I was there before, I saw the snow form garlands which hung from the tree branches. I tromped around an old graveyard in the snow looking for familiar names (I know - not everyone's idea of fun). There will be fireworks to bring in the New Year and early enough, so I will be awake (for the kids I guess). Probably a few locals "under the influence" will shoot off their rifles into the air at midnight - an old custom up there. There may be northern lights! There is a kitchen and G has been designated chef for the weekend, though he doesn't know it yet. I can soak in the jet tub. There is even internet!!!! I can ache in the truck and up there as well as I ache here and there are more distractions. Think I have just convinced myself to go. ;-D
carol - rambling is what we specialize in, and guilt too - getting rid of it. Respite was the right thing, and there will be more resources in an ALF for your mum than you can provide. As you know, jam and her hubby recently placed his mum - the col - in a nursing home and she is doing very well there. They told her that she was going for a while for rehab. Find an explanation that you are comfortable with, that you think she will accept reasonably well. I don't see any point in risking your back. Even if it comes around in a hot shower now, you likely are doing yourself some damage and if something goes quickly (and that can happen - just ask jam) then both you and your mum are in trouble. If I want to throw up, I am past the point of considering, and to the point where I need to act.
How to deal with guilt? A counsellor helps, maybe a social worker or pastor, or just listen to us. Here are a few thoughts . Identify if you have "healthy" (appropriate) or "unhealthy" (inappropriate) guilt. Healthy guilt is what comes after doing something that you know is wrong and is a good reminder to correct your behaviour. Unhealthy guilt serves no good purpose, but just makes you feel bad. Look at why or about what you are blaming yourself - no one else is blaming you. Drop perfectionism - it isn't healthy and certainly isn't attainable - you are fine as a fallible human being like everyone else, Know that you have not or are not about to committ a crime. Identify the "shoulds" that are driving your guilt and let them go. Forgive yourself for anything for which you are blaming yourself. If needed, forgive your mum for growing old and sick and feeble, and not being the mum she used to be. Don't be hard on yourself for having these kind of feelings. It just means you are human -like the rest of us.
Now give yourself a pat on the back for doing one of the hardest jobs in the world, and start making some plans for you and your hubby, after your mum gets settled in. You are a good daughter and doing a great job. ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
jo
I'm rambling here so will close. I want everyone to know how much I appreciate your interest and the fact that you would take the time to write to me and give me your sage advice. I'm praying all of us have a better 2012. Take care friends.
Carol
take care my friends.
Lindy, Carol, you have to make an important decision. Please make it without feeling guilty. Everybody' situation is different. As far as I am concerned I have no reason not to keep my mother home. She is not too complicated to handle, she is not too heavy, I don't have back ache, she is quiet and absent 90% of the day... Shortly, she doesn't give me any problem, apart from the lack of freedom, but I can survive to that. If my situation were different, I would think of another solution...
Roger2, I hope your mother accepts depends from now on... I hope she understands she can't cause you more problems than you already have.
Stormy I am sorry for you and for your father, yes he is living a hell of a life.
Jo, have you heard that when winter arrives, birds migrate "south"? Why on earth do you want to go north in the coldest period of the year? You are a naughty girl.
Ladee I hope you have a good weekend and you get some rest. Try to make a nice walk!
Hi Jam and everybody else.
See you all tomorrow for the New Year's wishes!
See you tomorrow for new year's wishes...
you have to put yourself first sometimes - like in airplanes - the parent gets the oxygen before the child or neither survive.
why don't you start taking steps to look at the ALF's available in your area - as cmag has pointed out guilt is not love - looking after yourself while finding a good placement for your mum is. Don't let FOG (fear, guilt and obligation) drive you . Caring for yourself is healthy.
((((((hugs)))))) jo
Thanks for expressing feelings that you and I share. I too am totally burned out. Since my mother wants to stay in a wheel chair; I just cannot care for her. I have not got the greatest back. Some days I can hardly get out of bed. Pulling her around is not helping me any. Though I don't like to put myself first, the reality is that I can't take good care of her if my back is out. Not sure my Mother is able to understand that assisted living is where she , out of necessity, will most likely end up. The guilt is what is keeping me from placing her in assisted living. Please keep me informed on your decision. My heart is with you; I think you are stronger than I am. Carol
seriously cr*p from you guys is an honour and comes on the wings of friendship
I would round that out to 100%, maya - they have had the benefit of the doubt enough, and deserve an antler in the you know where
I have a pain in the butt and no, it doesn't start with G. ;), fibro has kicked in so taking a pill and hope that helps
And yes, emjo, they do have a whole lot of nerve. And they're wrong 99.9% of the time.
seeme one post I read was "flushed my mom's teeth down the toilet today" and gave the details how it happened - good to be able to laugh about it afterwards - makes me more inclined to get implants than dentures as time goes on
hate what comes with growing old - the physical parts anyway, but would not trade the life experiences and looking at a 50 year old and realizing how young they are ;)
when with a husband or two ago (who was younger than me -they all are) I used to think I wish he had known me when I was young - 10 years passed by and I thought, I'm glad he knew me when I was young - it is all relative and that includes the poo.
Some one was telling me that is was hard to get their new puppy to poo in the snow. If (when) we go north (no facilities) I may have to find a bush and an Indian toilet (a log to balance myself again) and go in the snow. I told her tell your pup if a 74 yr old woman can do it, he can too LOL