This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Big (((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))) joan
Carol
aavated
When you are flying, and the stewards are giving you instructions about the oxygen masks, they always say if you are traveling with children and the masks come down, PUT YOURS ON FIRST......you can't help anyone else if you don't take care of yourself first.......so anyone in stess........just breathe.........
Thought I would check in before I start my day and wish a good day for everyone!
Carol....if Mom is clean, fed and her basic needs are being met then you have nothing to worry about. I know it makes you feel like you are standing on a giant stage with a huge floodlight on you when an event occurs with Mom........one of these days I will tell you the story of "pillow therapy".......but until these ignorant people have walked for an hour in your care giving shoes they should mind their own business. Those on the outside don't have a clue what goes on inside......and I don't mean just the non-care givers....I'm talking other care givers also. That's why everyone congregates to sites such as this. It's unfortunate though as care givers, we have to watch what we say and do, because there are others who THINK they are experts and can cause one a lot of grief. People have made it so that it's difficult to express our frustration and loss of patience. Maybe if care givers were allowed to act like the humans we are, and express our emotions, there wouldn't be so much dependency on chemical interventions. "Here, don't be frustrated because your parent is eating pingo again or hasn't bathed in 6 months, take another pill".......AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
ladee.......the weather today is in the 60's here.....now next week it may be freezing again....only in MO, right ASG?
Okay, need to hit the shower.........will check back with everyone later.
Happy Trails,
Jam
Notlike - how far north are you? I have been here over 30 years,
emjo-thanks, it's good to remember I'm not the problem. The massage was wonderful! Hope yours is good too. Didn't get to the movie, but we had dinner and did a bit of shopping. Good day. I thought I lived in the Frozen Tundra! Drive on a frozen lake? No way! I feel so southernly compared to that. LOL
allshe-Did you take some time for yourself when your Aunt was out?
carol-Sometimes when we're frustrated, we hurry. And the ones we care for can make a big production out of an accidental tug or pull when undressing. We don't mean harm, but it doesn't look that way. It's good the daycare is so concerned, it must be a very good place. Maybe try focusing on the piece of clothes you are working on..just think of the coat. Then think of the sweater. Then the boots, ect. If you think too far ahead, it seems like a long time before the coat ever gets off. And you said you were nervous, so that didn't help. You are human and it showed. What mother hasn't accidentally tugged a sleave or dragged a snap over a squirming child's head, trying to get them dressed? If you need a minute, just leave the coat on until you're ready to deal with it. I feel for you...as I nurse I've helped alot of people get dressed/undressed, and it doesn't always go smoothly. That does not make you a bad person! Hugs.
carol, sorry you got upset - are you on any antidepressants or other meds?may be something to help you with that frustration. it is a really tough job and not good if you feel you could hurt yourself.
I would say just go to the Day care anyway. Hope you can put into practice some of the stress relievers the social worker suggested
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Stormy , i don't think your Dad is trying to put guilt on you. I think he feels he can be by himself and doesn't understand why you don't feel the same. Your Dad seems to have his faculties. We know you are trying to keep him safe. Just as the daycare is keeping me Mom safe. As Scarlett O'Hara said" Tomorrow is
another day". Good night all.
Carol
Once we were up there and I stopped at a house to ask directions to a relative's house. The lady told me."She lives up by Uncle Aphonses's -and waved her arm up the hill, You must know where he lives, He has lived there all his life!
I just called a guest house operation and booked a cabin. I asked her where I could get a map to find a place. She said "Oh, Fort Smith is small, you won't have any trouble finding it".
As long as there isn't a blizzard!
Life in the north!!!
The second time we went up we brought my aunt Ellen with us and grandma was happy to see her.
We got to talk to Barb, she came on Fridays and told her what happened and Barb is coming to see her tomorrow.
jam, ladeeda, emjo, ro, stormy, notlike, and anyone else I hope things are going well in your neck of the woods. Good night everyone!!!
Ps
emjo - sounds like your trip will be fun. Driving across the ice is something I wouldn't do. I watched Ice Road Truckers too many times. Have fun and Happy New year to you.
mis - waiting to hear how things went today - look after you -nice grandma stories
jam -the plans sound good
notlike -think you arae right about mum's behaviour getting worse - one day at a time and remember you are NOT the problem - hope the massage went well I plan on one soon
stormy - a life alert would be great if dad wants it -especially if he is up doing more for himself
dede good to hear from you again
seeme -hard days I know - you did a stellar job with your mum (((((hugs)))))
carol - i was in the cave and then decided i would decorate it - you know make lemonade from lemons - if you can't go on a real trip you can always go on a fantasy one
sdpeg - yes carve out some me time - keeps us going -
(((((lyn))))) u r going through some tough things with a great attitude - that disease is such a thief - keep us updated -it must be so hard to see the decline in your hubby
cmag -thinking of you and your wife ((((hugs)))) and prayers for both of you
maya -has something happened to the new computer?
ros -AKA headbanger 2 - thought after all that wine your head might not want to be banged - only place is to go up or throw up sorry my mind is flying tonight and haven't had any wine
everyone -hope things are good
speaking of going on trips - G and I are going north for new Years - Fort Chip and Fort Smith - not sure how good an idea it is to be in one of those hotels where the walls feel like they are made of cardboard and a hook and eye keeps your door closed - almost -and they shoot their rifles off to bring in the New Year, but it will be a different experience. I have been to both places before and had a class in Fort Chip - a couple if people there I would love to connect with again. To cross the rivers you drive on ice bridges - which can get banged up around the edges by semi trucks driving up the banks too fast. Everyone drives in the middle of the road at high speed and there are lots of curves so I prefer going at night because you can see the headlights coming. You used to have to drive across the lake and the ice would start to oscillate because the big trucks went to fast. - you could see it heaving. and the road was like a rollercoaster ride with ups and downs that left your stomach behind. The kids loved it. Thankfully it is better now. Once you are north of Chip the quality of the snow changes. I hope to get some pics. Now as long as a buffalo doesn't take a nap on the road we will be fine - you just have to wait them out
so have a good night everyone
love, hugs and prayers♥♥♥
jo
SDPeg
Good to read from you DeDe.....and glad mom is adjusting well. That makes it so much easier doesn't it? Come back and visit more often!
Been sitting on the computer making hotel reservations for the Spring Vegas trip....geez no one told me it was a Nascar weekend....no wonder every time I went back to a place that had cheaper rates they were gone. So we have a room at one of our favorite casinos but we like to stay downtown and I tried to find rooms but it was cheaper to just stay where we will be. So five nights will result in lots of comps coming our way next year.....woohoo! This will be the first time in several years that my son and dil won't be going with us....they are saving up for either a Disney cruise or a trip to the San Diego zoo.
Hope everyone is having a good day and I will check back later.....nothing going on here except a bunch of sleepyheads....lol
Happy Trails,
Jam
Sis is not receptive to the idea of the life alert....because if something should happen to Dad and she isn't there, she would find it hard to live with the guilt that it happened on her watch. Well, things happen regardless, even when you're standing over them and there's nothing you can do except watch it happen. There are some other things you can look at to give you some help. You already have outside help coming in....can that be increased? Does Dad's monthly income cover his living expenses and the cost of help? Does Dad have other insurance? For instance, the col has Blue Cross and the policy covers 25 2-hour medical visits per year......not much but better than nothing when something is needed. Maybe sis would be receptive to starting out small....getting Dad situated and then leaving for an hour or two.....building up to maybe a morning or afternoon. And there is also placing him in assisted living....he would still have some freedom but is watched over and the rest of you would have your lives back. Take your breaks when you need to.....you are too young, with a young, growing family, to make yourself a slave to the care giving. And by the way, if brother doesn't want as much responsibility in Dad's care, it's time to remove him as POA. Just something to think about.
notlikemom, yeah, we need to be grateful, until something bursts our balloon.... I know you are so tired and have your hands full.... guess there are days we can only do this 5 minutes at a time or loose our minds....think of you during the day as I am answering Sonnys same question for the hundredth time.... but he is not like your mom, he is very sweet and I am blessed to be a part of his life....
And for whatever reason, Marie has made a major turnaround... guess she needed to see that I could be trusted, that I will do my work without being told, and that I will also question her when she is taking things out on me... she hasn't been ugly in a long while...but I have also fine tuned my balancing act.... she needs attention too... seems the more she gets the easier she is to get along with....she got a beautiful poinsettia for Christmas from a Friend, yesterday she said it may need some water... I had already watered it , and picked off the dead leaves... she always seems surprised that she doesn't have to tell me every thing to do... maybe some of it is the last lady she had in to help....doesn't really matter, she has not been difficult for months now...and I know how to handle her when she starts...
When I approached her about taking Sonny to the Senior Center this next year, her first reaction was NO... I asked her to think about it... we could try it, if he gets on overload, we won't do it... but explained to her that he is bored and getting depressed.... he is a very social person... and of course I would stay with him, I think she thought I was going to just drop him off..... uh no, he would be lost without someone familiar.... she could have some time to herself, I could get out of there for a little while, and it can be a win-win if Sonny likes it....
She is letting me help her more after I sat down and talked with her about some things.... that I know she is very capable of getting her own clothes out, tho it is a problem with her balance... she does it when I'm not there, it's just to give her a break.... she warmed to that idea.... so one more stressor aliveated....communication with compassion works wonders... and humor... Sonny has not been wanting to shower.. so yesterday I got everything ready and went in and said "time for a shiny hiney", didn't give him time to get upset, we just went and did it... told him, yeah, you were hoping I forgot didn't you... and he laughed... him and I have "secrets" , like when I find candy in his pockets, we don't tell Marie... when he wants to put a napkin in his pocket, I help him, where Marie can't see.... he just loves thinking he is getting one over on her....
Awhile back she was leaving to go to the Dr. we were standing outside, and he looked at me and said" that is one mean lady right there" but we both fell out laughing....we laugh a lot and it is so therapeutic for him and I both.... and even Marie will laugh with us now... times to be serious and then times to say to hell with it, life is too short....
So hope ya'll can find at least one thing to smile about today...
Am really looking forward to getting to meet a friend on this thread, her husband and her will be here in about a month.... it will be fun.... so some of us will get to meet as time goes on... reinforces that we are not alone.... hugs and angles to my friends...
notlike- pallative care..agree with seeme. It's hard for me to explain. My mind is going in a million directions. It's helps with the "end of life" and gives them diginty and respect.
lyn and Carol- ditto to what Ro said.
Yesterday, Rob and I met with the pallative corridator and decided to put grandma in hospice. We felt it was the best choice and are following Grandma's wishes. Grandma will be moved from the hospital to the hospice house as soon as a room becames available until then she'll stay in the hospital. When we got up there our nieces was there and that she knew them. Rob had grandma hold a spoon in her left hand and he told her to put up to her mouth and she did. She just fed herself once. Before the girls left I went down to the gift shop and got one of those gossip magazines so I could read to her. She knows that we are there and shakes her head when we ask her yes and no questions. When it was just Rob and I there, well Rob farted. I told grandma " jr, just farted and he about blew me out of my chair." She laughed even though no laughter came out, but we knew she did. We don't know if she knows what kind of condition she's in so we're going to ask her today when we see her.
Yesterday morning and last night we were going through some of her drawers. Oh my gosh, grandma must be part squirrel. Why? I can't tell you how many cookies and crackers we found wrapped up in tissue or paper towel. She was horriding them for the winters we have in Michigan.. We found a key chain that reads " the best diet is with cookies in both hands.' Yup, Grandma is our cookie monster.
I've been keeping her nieces update with what's going on with Grandma and called them last night plus her best friend is 86 yrs young. One of her nieces who lives in Loiusanna and her other one lives her in MI both thanked me for taking good care of her and had me in tears. Her best friend who also lives in Louisanna thanked me too. All 3 of them said that they didn't know where grandma would be if it wasn't for me. I've taken care of her all of these 4 and 1/2 yrs. They made me cry. Her best friend told me that she wished that she was lived closer to us. I told her that even though she lived so far away I felt like I've known her for yrs.
I feel asleep last night in grandma's lift chair. I guess was just so tired with everything going on. Rob left me there sleeping and I'll tell ya I didn't wake up until 5:30 am. I slept pretty darn good.
Well I need to get off of here and get some things down around here, it helps me to deal with everything if I keep busy....
Until we chat again The Laundry Room Bar & Grill is open and make yourselves at home...
Melissa
Blessings to all.