This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I told my mother what happened and that I told her not to come over here. My mother agreed that I shouldn't have to leave my home to avoid her. These people need to get it through their heads that they don't get to do and say anything and then, have me roll over and play dead for them.
I moved her to improve the quality of my mother's life, not for myself. And I'm beginning to wish I'd stayed where I was.
Yes Jam, I am the problem child, but ya gotta love me because I make you laugh.... and I did take today off, am getting started early about the new year thing of destressing myself....
One of my favorite things to do is go rock hunting... no I don't take a gun, but to walk in the fresh air, well depending on how many cattle are where I am rock hunting..... but I just get into the zone.... rained all weekend, which I am extremely grateful for, but am wanting to get out on the back roads and pick up rocks,,,, and not just any old rocks... special rocks....I do some of my art with them, it's funny because when people see how many rocks I have they always ask, "what are you going to DO with them", well, uh, they are rocks, you really don't need to DO anything.....just the joy of finding them , the solitude, the quite, the listening for God... so guess beauty and respite comes where ever we are looking for it....
And don't worry Lyn, I'm not going to clean house, so you don't have to either.... I just put a sign on my door that says, "I'm tellin' ya, you REALLY do not want to come in here"..... it works.....hugs and angels....
I'll take that you are jellies anyday - colourful, bouncy, cute...
all I want for next Christmas is a singing Justin Bieber toothbrush - not making fun of you stormy - just thinking about me at my age and having one - must be in my second chldhood - or maybe my first consdering the cr*p that went on when I was young - strange u named ur pup Lily. it is one of my "secret" names - no not Gary -so I may answer when you call her, and I don't pee on the carpet - yet anyway rotflmbo
Ladee you are like hawkeye -can't do confined spaces - we will build you an awning over the entrance so you can stay outside and we will camp - heat water on the fire and do the right order of brushing teeth -with justin bieber sunging tooth brushes - all in harmony now, spit in the bushes, then wash the hands etc. Is anyone averse to using leaves for "that": job" Just don't pick the poison ivy. oh, my goodness, I think I need some brekkie to get my blood sugar up, I am getting right foolish!
maya - mum on skye -awesome and as far as the relatives go -you trash them - life is too short
as far as help goes-stormy u got it right -tell 'em don't ask 'em
jam sounds like u did well, I am glad
pet story - my dd (dear daughter) had a cat called Smokey and he was the predatorial type. It was Christmas and she was having trouble with her Christmas tree lights and she told me the cat was eating them. Yeah right! I was over there, the lights were on and the cat was under the tree and I heard a distinctive "crunch" I went over to take a closer look and this crazy cat was crunching the lit light bulbs. he didn't like them cold. So lyn -sometimes they are crazy - hope he doesn't swallow the foil..
Maya, can tell you are still in awe of your great gift...... what did we do before computers???? A Friend of mine asked why I don't write her letters anymore, UH, I do, in emails..... lol
Ok, am going to check on FB and then take a nap..... busy day huh...
mismiley, please let us know how things are with gma, and maybe like you said your boss will let you have a few vacation days.... that would help a lot......
So everyone else check in and let us know how ya are... we probably won't hear from vic, her hubby is home...WOOT WOOT.....
hugs to my friends.....
The computer is up and running. I wish I was.
I was at church yesterday when one of the cousins called to invite us to her daughter's for Christmas dinner. You know, I wish these folks would make up their minds. One week, they trash me and the next one they invite us to dinner. I politely declined by reminding her of her sisters' telling me that they won't be back to see Mama because they got embarrassed because I told the truth. It's all a little to schizophrenic for me to have to put up with. I've got enough on my plate with my mother.
Speaking of mothers, mine went on Skype last night and video called with her only son and his family. She'd been resistant to doing anything like that, but she's changed her mind. I was really glad that it worked for them. And yes, I have to thank my best friend for that. Without the new computer, it wouldn't have worked at all.
I am watching the prof's puppy try to eat tin foil. She takes a bite, cringes, takes a bite, cringes. OMG. I am becoming a sadist, too, lol.
OK Ok , enough already... have already got on the silly train, so come join me, I'll make a stop at your house...hugs to my friends....
I hope everyone had a good Christmas.....some not so good I know.....just believe that my thoughts are with you whether you are having a rough time or a not so rough time.
Carol....ladee is right, you are trying to make sense of the care giving and sometimes that is just not possible. The tired takes us over mentally and physically and it seems like some days it's almost impossible to get up and put one foot in front of the other. That's why YOU must come first, and no that is not a selfish attitude, because without YOU the care giving doesn't exist. Just remember as humans we do have a breaking point and this care giving gig can push us to that real quick. You may be at that point where you have to sit back and reevaluate what you are doing and how you are doing it and you might have to make other plans. I was at that point in October....every morning I was waking up with this doom and gloom attitude, knowing the col's mind was getting worse and physically she was getting so frail, and I would run these scenarios through my brain all the time.....what if she falls while I'm with her and I can't catch her.....what if..what if..what if...............yes, I'm trained to take care of the ill and injured and hubby is a physician for heaven's sake, but when it's your own it's different. Anyway, I knew I couldn't do it anymore and Target was having a hard time dealing with how quickly his momma was fading and seeing what it was doing to me, so the decision was made to place her in the NH.
ladee.....what can I say....our problem child.....I'm still rolling thinking about someone saying...."who do you think this is? Sounds like they're nuts...too much eggnog maybe?" hope yesterday was restful for you and wish you didn't have to work today.
Will try to answer and read as everyone checks in today. Going to be a day of calling the pharmacy, the stoooopidddd attorney, the phone company and nothing else I hope! Eating leftovers......YUMMMMMMMMM!
We've almost made it through another year......yippee!!!!
Happy Trails,
Jam
Hubby and i were up til 3:30 christmas eve getting connor's santa together. His big thing that he got was a train table. It took us about 3 hours to put that thing together. We were both sweating bullets, scared to death connor would wake up. And he woke up at 7:30 christmas morning. So we got a few hours of sleep. He got thomas the train stuff and trains, spongebob toys, flashlights, clothes, gloves,legos, candy, a singing justin bieber toothbrush, air hockey game, a blowup spongebob punching bag, spongebob dvds. My house looks like it threw up toys. Lily even got to new outfits. But she walks right out of them. She is too little to wear them. She will have to grow into them i guess.
Dad is doing about the same i guess. Christmas eve(afternoon) sis had to carry him to the hospital cause his stoma come out of his neck and we couldn't get it back in. He started bleeding around his neck from us trying to get it back in. They were not over there long about 2 hours and then they sent him home. You know if something is going to happen it's going to happen on christmas eve.... Then sis didnt think she was going to be able to go home for christmas. Brother stayed last year on christmas eve with dad. But he had already told me he wasn't doing that this year. So sis finally asked him if he would stay christmas day night with dad and he said he would. If she didn't ask him she wouldn't have gone home. She told me I shouldn't have to ask him and nephew to stay, they should offer to stay. I told her you can hang that up about them offering to stay with him. You have to ask them. I told her i have to ask them when i need them to stay with him. So i told her to quit waiting around for them to say something about staying with him. Ain't neither one of them got a job or nothing to do they can stay with him some. Then brother has been talking about ordering dad one of them life alert necklaces(we have been calling it the PANIC BUTTON). Sis said, "How is that thing going to help me"? I just told her i don't know. Then dad goes for his labs tomorrow, wed. is his throat strecth (sp?) surgery. Friday is appt with the no account dr that will tell us what his tsh levels are doing and other things. Another busy week...... Huh...... It never ends........ Going to send this before it gets too much longer. Love and hugs stormyyy
Cmag please know your wife is in our prayers. I'm sure she is frightened. Your support will go a long way helping her.
There is not any daycare tomorrow. How will I stand another day? Then next week we do it again. Oh well I must get through. Sometimes life seems so unfair. Take care all. Carol
laee -I wish I could see the faces of those people when they hear your message LOL!!!
carol-can't hold our breath for better times or for it all to be over. Mother is 99 and as dysfunctional as ever and goin g strong - no dementia just the life long narcissism and personality disorder - I am 74 and the clock is ticking so I gotta make it good now. I think you have to grieve what you lost or what never was so you can move on -face how bad it is, come and vent, feel the feelings and crey the tear and eventually you move on to a better place (((((hugs)))))
ros -have another glass for me - I was going to have a sherry and forgot -it will be there tomorrow -getting past the sadness
maya - when you learn how toi skype you can tell me! Time I learned!
sdpeg - she is demented so she will tell stories - it is what I have to say about my mother and sister but I substitute mentally ill for demented - if you mother did it all along and played those games with your bro then they are never were too healthy - grieve the losses, I know it is hard when it is in your face every day.. I have had to take myself out of the arena -me getting hurt accomplishes nothing - they play their games somewhere else if I am not available
lyn -mother had the driving problem with my father when he started going down hill - it is no joke - an my heart goes out to you -hope your huddle at home was relatively good
mis - in my prayers and glad you are relaxing a bit,and the hospital is looking after grandma (((((hugs))))) to you and rob - tough to happen especially at this tine of year
burned - hope you had some kind of a Christmas with you hubby and the kids
asg - wondering how it went...
jam -hope you had a good meal and a visit and not too much snow. -sounds like the col is enjoying the nh and the social activities - bet you are thinking of last year and your mum (((((((hugs)))))
seeme - catching up on the zzzzzzzz's -thinking of you and those puppies that are coming -I know this day is hard when you have lost someone (((((((hugs)))))
shawna - nice pics and mum looks good. Glad that you had that good phone call - warms the heart
stormyyyyy - playing with the puppy???? Hope dad had a decent Christmas. and you had a great one with your family - know you are busy with your own home and his.
starri - enjoy the warm breezes - I wish!!!!!
I am sure I have forgotten some one(s), but not intentionally
hoping for a good few days for all till the new year rolls in -
love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
Ro, am glad to hear you drank too much wine today.... you needed that, it's been one long hard year for you...... get a good night's rest and we'll see how you are tomorrow... hugs to you....
Cmag... please let your wife know she is in our prayers about her biopsy.... as women we know her fear of the unknown... seems so many have crazy moms, I told a Friend today I was grateful my mom is no longer having to deal with this thing called "life".... she is at peace.... something we all still struggle with from day to day....
I know your wife appreciates that you understand the transformation she goes thru being around her mother.... having that love and support helps her to cope with all that stress..... and glad to hear you are in your "man cave", and we promise not to go barging in and messing anything up or making so much noise that you would have to leave to keep your sanity... I appreciate you cmag.... you've stuck around all us crazy women and still keep coming back and letting us know how you and your family is..... can only imagine how we must sound to you sometimes... but you are an asset to us here...
Well, as I said, there is someone in America that got a phone call about reindeer and antlers and are probably still just staring at their phone.... did I spread the love or just confuse someone else.... lol....I haven't received a phone call back , I'm sure they have caller ID, and no cops have shown up to do a welfare check, so it's all good.....
love and hugs to all my friends.....
Maya, I'm glad that you have a new computer. That is a nice change.
Today, I don't know how long it took me to cook the broccoli casserole, the sweet potato casserole, warm the ham, make the tea, and heat up the rolls, but we enjoyed a Christmas lunch of just us four and no more. Then, I drove my wife and boys to see my mother in the nursing home and giver her, her Christmas present. She continues to decline and her attention did wander. Next, we visited my step-dad and gave him, his Christmas present. After which, we drove home.
We all ate leftovers, and I've had all the people time that I can handle for today. Thus, I'm reclused to my man cave. I don't think everyone could fit in here at one time. It is a nice get away. I find that for whatever reason, I'm not as extroverted now as I once was.
Tomorrow, we go to visit "mommy dearest" my MIL and my wife's twin sister who is my fellow Jedi night standing against the darkside of this dysfunctional family. My wife is already anxious enough about her upcoming breast biopsy following last week's mammogram, but she will be more wound up in the am about going to see her mother. Over time, the boys have learned to ride out the various experiences with their 'mommy dearest' grandmother. They know their mother will be on edge and might even get caught up in her mom's mess for her mother did focus more on her than the other daughter in raising them. So, it is harder for my wife to pull away and not get sucked into the darkside of my MIL's personality which is quite narcissistic and borderline. We have learned that it is best not to stay with either while visiting but to stay in a hotel room. Thus, when things get tough, we head for the hotel.
Love, prayers and hugs for everyone!
What irritates me the most is the game she plays with my brother. She lies to him about what we do together, he assumes I am spending her money, running her ragged, and causing sleepless nights. All I want to do is help her enjoy life!
Carol, I with you ... I am tired. Please hop on and post often as your post tonight helped me feel more "human" and less "alone". Thank you! And Merry Christmas! SDPeg
What is wrong with me that I can't accept her problems and just go with the flow?
Thanks for this opportunity to vent Carol
I drank too much red wine at lunch so I am going to bed now... I am not going to drink tomorrow!
mismiley... sorry to hear gma was only whispering....
And very glad to hear you had a good time with family...and don't worry about the house, it will be there tomorrow or even the next day.... relax if you can... how far is the hospital from where you live???? And please give your hubby a hug from us... we know he is upset about all this and we want him to know we care.....
Well guess emjo can open a bar called The Cave, and ya'll will have the bar thing covered.. I am claustrophobic, so the cave is out.... Cmag has a "man cave" but I don't think he wants us all in there making noise and touching his collections....
Enjoy your eggnog and know that we are all thinking of you.... keep us updated...
And emjo, you know where ever you go, there you are ....why do you think I always post about being tired of being a grown up.... that's why I get so goofy some times..... life is too short...If I took myself or my life so damned serious all the time,. I'd have to go postal, and that is why my credo is " Lead me, follow me, or get the hell out of my way"... Lead me if you have something to teach me that will enrich my life, follow me if you think I have something to teach you, OR, if you want to learn how to lighten up, or get out of my way... I have a life to live, things to do and people to meet... so don't have time or energy for the petty meaningless things in this world.....
I pray we have a better year next year.. that we have learned from each other, and from our own setbacks....
And Seeme to end this post, you are going to love this... I called today and left this long rambling diatribe about you herding reindeer with hubby's antlers on and checked just now and called the wrong number.....Someone some where is wondering who that crazy Suthin' woman is and why did she call them... At least I didn't try to get them to connect my internet..... Lord, some things just don't change....
love and hugs to my friends .