This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
As we approach Christmas day itself, two ideas come to mind. First, the hilly area of Bethlehem has several small caves, one of which the early Christians thought is the place where Jesus was born. Figuratively speaking, many of us feel like we are living in some sort of cave with darkness all around. May the Word made flesh, the light of the world which the darkness has not overcome, the only begotten Son of God who understands our human condition and who is our compassionate savior send his light to cast out the darkness of your cave; send his Holy Spirit strongly to help you know that he, Immanuel, is with you and understand's the pain of the burdens that you bear; and renew your inner person with his saving grace. Second, Shepherds were rather poor folks who would have never expected the first announcement of the Messiah's birth to be made to them. No matter how poor you may be; how insignificant you might feel that you are; or how looked down upon or isolated from how others live, may you know afresh the joy of the good news of Christmas that was first announced to the poor, isolated, and looked down upon by society shepherds! Amen and Merry Christmas!!!
Thank you for the laugh!!! That is so funny.
My mom put her pants on inside out ... it is so difficult to stifle a laugh!!!
But she IS putting shepherds and angels around the nativity she has had since 1948 ~ the first Christmas married to my Dad (RIP: 2010). One tiny step at a time.
But laughter IS the best medicine and between inside out pants and remote controls as a telephone ... I will be very healthy laughing through this holiday!
Yes the remember the REASON...Amen!
SDPeg
I hope the day is good for all and improves for those who are having unexpected troubles. As Vic says.....may the REASON for the season be in your hearts. Please don't allow yourself to be caught up in the hectic, stressful, hustle and bustle.....we all know there is enough of that in our lives that we don't need the added from the holiday trolls!
Maybe this will give you a chuckle......we finally discovered why and how the col has been getting herself so agitated when trying to call us. She has been using her television remote control! The aide walked into her room last night and she is hollering hello into the remote! I'm thinking it's time..........out of sight, out of mind......it will take 5 min and she will no longer remember there was a phone and won't get herself so worked up.
Hugs to mis.................
I am wishing all the blessings and peace you can imagine for all of my new found friends and for those who walked the care giver journey with me words cannot express my deepest feelings for you...........you ALL are very special to me and you are my blessing......MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Have a good day everyone, ya'll are in my prayers....
Try to breathe in the heat of the moment...turn your back do a little twirl.... This to shall pass.
I am so grateful for all of you...you are and have been my strength and support ...each of you are in my prayers ... For strength and hope ...and in thanksgiving.
May the "REASON" for the season be in your hearts and give you renewed strength of mind, spirit and body.
Mom and I went to a holiday party at the local casino. I came home with $300 more than what I left with. So I guess you could say the camcorder was free with some leftover for etc for Christmas. woo hoo. So tonight I am happy and Mom said she was thankful that I am with her. Despite all the crap others try to dump on her (ok: not others, just bro), she has been looking so happy lately. I think she is seeing the strength she has in making it through yet another holiday without my Dad. Do I miss him? Cry for him? Ache with this loss? Yes. And I do share that with my mom but I also encourage her (and myself) to enjoy life.
I encourage you all to do the same!
Good night
SDPeg
trying to find something philosophical to say, but didn't have much sleep last night so gonna do the seeme thing zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and hope I am in a better mood tomorrow morning -sometimes life sucks -and that's a fact!
love ya all
jo
"me? Oh I smacked my grandma"......
I just need to go to the Laundry room. She was really confused when she did this. I came in from the garage from smoking (was suppose to quit on Thanksgiving that's not happening yet or in the near future). She said that she had to know what I was doing. I asked her why she needed to know. Then she says that she didn't care what I was doing. Oh she also said that she was going to send me to prison. Ok, well I'll take a hot pink jumpsuit, a tv and maybe I'll get to finally to some college course to while I'm there serving my time.
Speaking of the Laundry Room. I was talking with one of my friends at work about the Laundry Room. My friend has a Therapy night on Thursday for men only. He thought the Laundry Room is a great idea.
Mom was actually nice to me today. Talked to me, bought me my favorite donut. Hmm. Maybe I'll keep these grandkids around longer.
My sister says she thinks more of Mom's memory is going. And her general cognition. Sis has noticed a number of things like this. I respect her opinion because she knows how Mom was before the cancer. I need to get that testing scheduled after the holidays.
Night all. I hope tomorrow night (when we open presents) goes the way mom wants. This might be her last one, and that makes me sad.
Welcome theinbetween that's exactly why I started this thread....because no one seems to pay any attention to the care giver. It's almost like we don't exist......wouldn't you just love to look at some people and say "oh I'm just peachy, that's why my hair isn't combed...I'm real good at making a ponytail or pulling it behind my ears....what make-up? Never heard of it........yes, I know my perfume is a little much, didn't have time for a shower, gee why do I feel funny? Guess I forgot to take my medicine today.........but by golly my loved one got theirs.....*sniff-sniff* oops, guess I missed a spot......hungry.....I'll eat sometime......." People look at us but see the loved one as the needy one because we are taking care of them. They don't see the hardship that care causes to the care giver. And then we end up here, because where else can we go to find others that feel like we do? We belong to a unique group who can see the humor in cleaning poop and answering a repeated question repeated times. So stick around and when you need a pat on the back, just ask, we have a lot to go around.
burned.....you might be able to go to the IRS website and find the answers to your questions. Eggnog and vodka....doesn't sound half bad...hmmmmmmm.
Got fudge made....cookies tomorrow....then I'll share...lol.
Hope it's been a good day for all.
Happy Trails,
Jam
Wanted to check in before I start my day of cookie and fudge making.
Sharwood......welcome, pull up a chair and as ladee says, join the rest of the exhausted care givers here. Sorry to hear Dad is being aggressive. You learn to duck real fast....:) You might want to consider a check-up to rule out any medical issues that can be fixed. It's possible that the aggression is the way of his dementia, unfortunately some go that way while others become very sweet and loving. I wonder if when waking Dad he is startled and just lashes out. Maybe you could try gently calling his name to rouse him then uncover him and get him up. Whenever my mil would fall asleep and I would need to wake her, I either made noise so she would wake on her own, or I very gently touched her while saying her name.....I don't know how many times she would practically jump out of her skin!
I visited with the col yesterday and I am noticing a trend of she is not wanting to really visit....it's almost like we are intruding and when we say it's time for us to go, she doesn't try to get us to stay. We tried to call her for several hours last night without her answering, then around 10:30 she calls us and I could hear an aide talking so apparently she got someone to help her dial the correct number. When I was there yesterday, I went over how to open the phone, push the number 2 and then push the green button. I wrote that down on paper and left it on the corner of her bedside table. I'll give you 3 guesses as to how long she remembered that. Anyway, when I answered the phone I could hear panic in her voice....well, she had worked herself into such a state and thought there was something wrong because we weren't answering our phone. We see her about every 2 days, so I'm seriously thinking of taking the phone away from her. She cannot remember how to dial, cannot remember our number, doesn't answer when we call and it seems to now be causing increased agitation on her part.
And I have to also call our attorney back today because the screw-up he did with all the col's revised paperwork is still causing us problems. The NH doesn't want to resign where the attorney messed up, so we must find another way for witnesses and the notary to verify the col's signature. I'm going to have Target call the att office and stress that $2500 should have gotten us correct wording in everything.
Hope everyone is having a good day...will check back later while eating cookies and fudge....:)
Happy Trails,
Jam
Rossell - sorry that your Mom is to that point. I was thinking about my Mom in what I wrote. With the cancer, though, mine will probally be following the same path. One of the tumors is in her frontal lobe and others are in places that control memory and emotions.
SDPeg - Go Mom! Go You! Good for getting the mail back! Prayers she will follow through with the rest of the changes and get rid of that awful brother.
Vic - thank you for your story. Caregiving for both parents isn't what we expected, is it? I feel like I had a plan that got thrown out the window when they said Dad had cancer too. You've had so much unexpected happen, and you are doing it with grace and strength. I am so glad we've met on the site. Double trouble! Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
CRay - Blessing for wanting to bring Dad home. Strength being sent to you...
Sharwood - Ditto what ladee said. You must protect yourself.
Hubby's feeling well enough to make me laugh again. I missed that. Baking cookies with the girls tomorrow. Night all.