This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Should I call the one who loves to run her mouth the most?
All my errands are over for the day and I think I don't have anything to do tomorrow except be lazy.....no, I told Target I would bake cookies and make fudge. Darn. New garage door is up...looks good but will have to wait until Spring to have it painted. Got the pump running again so the water is pouring into the pond....the little fishies thank us I'm sure.
ladee....thought it would snow today but it dissipated when it got close.....actually I told it to go to mis's and fall there....:)
hi cindy.......sorry to hear about your father and wish you luck with bringing him home with you and caring for him.
It seems like year after year, this holiday season gets worse with all the commercialism and the buy, buy, buy attitude. And then in reality there are so many dysfunctional families out there and it's so sad. It's no wonder we all want to just isolate ourselves and skip from the 24th to the 26th. But we're not going to let all this get us down, right? We need to make fun of someone.......where's emjo and her antlers when we need her?
Will check back in later...............
Happy Trails,
Jam
Ro, saw all your "happy" Christmas stuff and yes we get to say Merry Christmas as many times as we want, we can even say it in August if we want to.....Hopefully in Italy they aren't as stupid with all the damned political correctness, it just makes most of us tired... I NEVER stopped saying Merry Christmas... how stupid for others to even think they can take that away from me...I could care less if some are offended by that , just go away and don't listen.... I'm gonna say it.... so will go check out some of your carols.... love ya Ro....
Next few days will be busy for me. I got presents to wrap and not done with shopping yet
I'll chat at ya'll later.
Merry Christmas
The heartbreak is that this is yet another loss for my mom after my dad in 2010 and her memory for a couple of years. This is too much for an 84 year old woman to bear. I am just glad I caught it when I did (just one week later) so that she can receive her Christmas cards. That is the heartache. No greetings from relatives? That is what broke my heart. His sneaky ways he will be judged for when the time comes.
Thank you for the suggestions, advice, shoulders to cry on.
SDPeg
Merry Christmas, Ladee and all!
My parent moved next to me the march after hurricane Katrina..they had lived on the Mississippi coast for 30 years but were ready to move close to me at that time. The first couple years here were ok. Looking back on it ..it was a very emotional move even though they wanted to come. They moved away from all their friends and their familiar surroundings even though they had been coming here for years and new many people. They both ended up somewhat depressed. Mom started having TIA's ..finally straightened that out and dad was still mobile and driving etc.. Was a deacon in our church and a hospital chaplain. Then in 08 he fell and cracked cheeks bones..his dentures went though is lip..broke a rib..after that he was more wobbly and his driving erratic... He would shuffle more and didn't seem as stable on his feet. Mom was still having TIA's at the time and I had retired from full time work per se to be with them more often. We we very blessed to purchase a house next to mine when they moved. One day in frb 09 I think dad had taken mom to her hair appointment..he had fallen in the parking lot but said he was ok..so she went in to get hair done...she tripped and busted her nose while heading to the ladies room. Suffice it to say the ladies at the shop found out about dad and brought him in while another customer took care of mom..they called me and dad seemed ok and moms nose was bleeding..so I take them both to er...her on one end and him on the other. I really expected them to admit mom and release dad..well it ended up the other way around. Ct of dads head showed something..supposedly he didn't have stroke..after MRI they determined that he had a meningioma in his right frontal lobe. This was on a Friday and by Monday..he couldn't stand feed himself etc.. Neurosurgeon gave him decadron..and by that thrursday he was walking with a walker and all seemed ok. Docs said meningioma was benign. He came home..and for a few months he seemed pretty good. All the while we were trying to figur why mom was having TIA's. In the end for her they decided it was atrial fibulation(sp)..she is on Coumadin regime. Dad went back for check with doc in may..he reduced his decadron..dad started to get worse. Stumbling more .neuro doc finally sent him to other neuro docs..he got to where he couldn't walk and started having Parkinson's symptoms.. They sent us home to see a regular neurologist because where the meningioma is..should be affecting his motor skills. So home we went...he just kept getting worse and we weren't going to be able to see neurologist for over a month.. The following week I took him to another er where a good group of neurologists and neurosurgeons practiced. He stayed in accute care for 10 days all the while going downhiss..motors kills, feeding, talking...they ran all kinds of tests put him on Parkinson's meds..they agreed that there was something a-typical going on in his brain. In other words they didn't know squat! He went from accute care to the skilled nursing unit where he stayed for 21 days..bu that time he could do nothing for himself..didn't know us and on and on.... Course he didn't develop any skills so they had to send him home. They wanted us to have hospice at that time but we weren't ready for that..so we came home with home health..he seemd to us like he was beginning to come out of it..although his heart was doing crazy things, edema in legs and feet, oxygen says not good.. But he seemed to be coming around and started feeding himself..recognizing us ..just little things. He finally ended up on hospice .. Stayed with them for a year. They are angels! But dad progressed enough that we were released from hospice in september of last year. He started going to outpatient therapy and was talking and walking with walker so by last December he"graduated" in January he caught a cold.. At the end of that month he fell..we were back in hospital..come to find out he was dehydrated..at the time he was on LASIK and potassium..they took him off hydrated him and sent him home..he has deteriorated ever since..albeit slowly. He has pernicious anemia, and anemia.. He has CHF and kidneys aren't functioning at 100%. At least we aren't using the bed to poop..he makes it mostly to toilet for that. He is incontinent. I bath him daily in the bed...when hubby comes home we put him in the tub..so here we are at the end of the year
..found this thread back in May. You all have lifted me in body and mind..brought me peace and joy through all are good and bad days...and I have gained some incredible friends. Thank you Jam for starting this thread and being our mother hen! Love ya!
Maya..good for you! You are such a strong person to not let family dynamics ruin yours and moms days. Kudos going to to other church!
Ros..so happy to hear you and mom are both feeling better..so sorry for the family crap you have to deal with.
well ladee Lou..hubby not home yet..rig move..so hopefully he will be home by Christmas. All is well though as brother will be coming on Monday and stay until Sunday am.
Dad had a bad night..for some reason his knee was bothering him and he tossed, turned called called couldn't relax...I finally gave him a Valium around 4 so he is finally calm!. Don't know why I didn't think of it earlier..oh well
But one step at a time ... she had the nerve to cancel her forward and that part I am very proud of.
Thank you so much for your shoulders to cry on ... I appreciate it. I also appreciate the value you see in someone receiving their mail and how that withdrawal could adversely affect any quality of life.
With deepest gratitude for being my friends,
SDPeg
Notlikemom, the control issues of my mother have gone now... She is such a fragile person, and I am sorry for her. If she could understand what's going on this period of the year, that is that our family is basically keeping us away, and I have to accept that my cousin drives for 4 hours so that we can be carried to a house where people probably would prefer we wouldn't go (the silence of my brother concerning the meeting speaks volumes.... ) - well I feel like singing "Bitter bitter Christmas". It used to be my favorite time of the year.
No snow for me ladee!!!!!!!! Been too warm today....would you believe we awoke to sunshine and temps in the 40's..........of course it won't last long, trying to enjoy it while we can. Ran errands all day.....and I came home with a headache. Got some See's candy for the col.....she is going to be so happy with that. Went to the funeral home to pay off her "arrangements" so that everything is in place when the time comes. She's been telling us that everything was paid for except $212 for the opening and closing of the grave. Why that wasn't paid for I don't know, but those were the prices from years ago....it's now $710. And I don't think she knew about the "transportation" charge and the cost of death certificates and there's even a tax on the urn, which was previously chosen and paid for, but the tax wasn't paid. I finally gave up and said what's the final charge? So $1000 covers it and we will cover the cost of the obit to run in the local paper for $300.....my goodness it should be cheaper to leave this world! Stopped in to visit with the col and they were right in the middle of their Christmas party.....to see a hundred little men and women all sitting in wheelchairs or lined against the wall in chairs was quite a sight. They were all opening gifts and we're talking substantial here....the col got a bottle of perfume and scented powder. They had a buffet table set up with punch bowls of drinks and cookies and other snacks and then handed out bags of cookies that someone had baked. The col was more into partying than visiting so we left and will go back tomorrow to visit with her.
Glad to hear from some of you who have been MIA.................
Ros........so happy to hear Mom is on the mend and you are feeling better too.
I must say that if it wasn't for granddaughters I probably would hunker down at home on Christmas and not do a darn thing. I keep telling myself that next year will be better and different and that's a goal I would like to keep. I'm thinking of planning a week in Vegas from Christmas Day through New Year's Day.....this is the first time in several years we haven't been out for a winter trip, so maybe next year.
Must go to FB and play for a while since I have neglected my farms today.....lol. Will check back later.........
Happy Trails,
Jam
Rossell - Feel better! The flu is awful. Hope you can rest alot. I think Mom's control issues come from all she's lost and thinks she's lost over the years. She has no real sense of self worth. Hugs to you for dealing with your Mom.
emjo - jam wants a chocolate martini? That's funny, because I have the mix here and swear my sister and I will get to it this holiday.
SDPeg - the mail situation is terrible. Would it help if your brother knew how much she wants her cards and notes? Would he agree to send those on to her? If he would, at least you can tell her they were delayed and coming soon.
Everyone else...deep breaths. Christmas is coming and it's going to turn out however it turns out. I wish you all a smile, a laugh, and the peace of knowing you are the human expression of the holiday spirit.
She will not receive any holiday cards from relatives. This makes me cry. I cannot take care of it right now as I am mad also but I will be taking care of this one way or another. Any suggestions? How do I tell her? I am assuming that if he flashed the POA (no offense to anyone who has it, please know I know it is important but he abuses his power) she was not with him. He also used the POA to retrieve medical records. I spoke with the nurse about this already and she will tell the doc I no longer want to speak at appointments (which is harmful for my mom's health) if my words are documented.
I am sad that my Mom won't receive greetings from relatives.
Thanks for allowing me to cry on your shoulders. I appreciate it.
SDPeg
Ro, am so glad to hear you are feeling better and mama too... I can't wait for you to be able to go swimming again... I know how much that helps you..... why is the Christmas going to be complicated??? The whole' ugly brother' thing???? You'll still get to go to the cousin get together won't you???? I know you are looking forward to it.... love ya...
Lyn,good to see you coming back.... you'll get to know everyone, but we already consider you one of the family....
emjo, sorry your Christmas plans are falling apart...I'll be another one huddling in the house over the holidays... so we'll keep the internet busy...
Jam, how are you feeling today... did you get snow yet????
Seeme, how are you today???
Vic, hope you are getting to see hubby any minute now... I know it will be good for ya'll to have some alone time....
I'll check back in later and get caught up with everyone... hugs...
;;