This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
My mother is better, I am better too and we are getting ready for a very complicated Christmas...
Here's a story for you about the difference between someone who really does give a flip versus the relatives who just want to run their mouths.
I've never withheld from my best friend. I tell him everything, no matter whether it makes me look good or bad. He laughs with me at my embarrassing moments, he cries with me at the losses I've experienced. So, when my cousins started this, I sat down that same night and put it all into an e-mail. He said that he was sad for me that I even had to deal with the guy and that "there was no reason to be polite to the guy." And he reassured me that it didn't change how he felt about me one iota.
It appalls the cousins that I do tell him everything. One of them asked me why in the world would I do that. I told her that I loved him and trusted him enough to be honest with him, that hiding stuff instead of telling the truth is not an option with him, that it would be lying by omission to do so. She was appalled. So was her sister. He's been in my life for sixteen years now, so we must be doing something right. I think that they're just jealous that they feel that they have to lie and hide and I don't.
And they're appalled that he sends me presents. I haven't opened the present he sent me two weeks ago for Christmas, but I know it's something that he had in mind for me for awhile. We'll see what it is on Sunday. And then, we'll see what they say next because it will be a subject of conversation for a long time. They don't understand why he would bother with me at all.
And he called them backward. Yep, I can see why.
Glad to hear that your mum's incision is healing finally and her blood sugar is doing better. It has been a long haul and you are a wonderful caregiver and daughter. What do they know???? Not much! Kinda makes me mad, ya think?
I am sorry about her lungs -that is nasty for both of you. ((((((hugs)))))
As lyn says -huddling at home works - probably what my Christmas will be too and for a few more around here.
Having a grin and a hug from a friend is priceless. Yesterday, I called the pharmacist in our local drugstore for something. I have been going there for probably 25 years now and a couple of the staff are still there. She said if she didn't see me before to have a marry Christmas. It was personal and I so much appreciated it and it reminds me that sometimes little things make a bigger positive difference than the big things. So I want to spread the little things around - the grins, the hugs and the good wishes.
Seeing you here again is a present too. Merry Christmas! and ((((((((hugs))))))
jo
It's nearly Christmas. My mother had four doctor's appointments in a little over a week. It wore her out and then, we both came down with a virus. We didn't decorate for Christmas and we're going to be eating our dinner together in front of the television with her crime shows on.
I bought my mother three new nightgowns and a parka for her birthday and Christmas. I'll get her some sugar-free candy to go with it.
My best friend sent me a gift for Christmas, so I'll open it that morning before I go to church. I decided to go to the one I originally had planned on attending when I moved. It's about an hour away. Someone I knew from my last church in Virginia goes there and it did me some good to see her grin and get a hug from her.
One of the best things about going to a church so far away is that I don't have to deal with the relatives. There's a couple of people in the extended family who don't like the fact that I don't rewrite history. It's a long story and one that I would rather not go into. Just suffice it to say that someone grabbed me a long time ago and since he's a cousin's boyfriend now, I'm the bad guy for not welcoming him into the family and pretending that he didn't do what he did. When he tried to talk to me like it was old home week, I simply told him that I remembered exactly who he was and then, I told the truth about what he did. I didn't appreciate the cousin who decided that I had to acknowledge him sandbagging me and in church, no less. She told me that I embarrassed him and that her family members wouldn't be coming to see Mama anymore because of me. I told her that it was their decision to make. No emotional blackmail allowed around here. I'm too tired and too busy to deal with the garbage, especially since they've run their mouths and speculated ad nauseum about me and my life to anyone and everyone, even though they're wrong 99.9 percent of the time. But that's what some of them are like. If they tell you it's raining, it doesn't matter if the sun is shining and it's dry as a bone, they'll still insist that it's raining outside. They like their illusions of superiority. Reality is just a nasty trick to them.
My mother's A1C is coming down nicely. The incision is finally closing --- just one tunnel left and then the machine comes off. It's a good thing. Maybe I can take her on a day trip soon.
By the way, I was taken to task by the cousin who did the sandbagging over my lack of insistence that my mother go to a gospel sing where her cousins on the other side of her family were performing. I told her to get a grip. She complained to me about all that she and her two sisters did to care for their father, especially about cleaning around his catheter and how they made him get out and go whether he liked it or not. I told her that it's been just me 24/7 for ten years and as needed for the previous seven and that when she's had her hand four inches deep into someone's abdomen because insurance and home health consider that wet to dry wound care is unskilled nursing, then she can complain to me about how bad they had it. I told her that we do what my mother feels comfortable with, that it's not about what I want, it's about what my mother wants and if something else doesn't take my mother from me first, I have the privilege of holding my mother's hand while she slowly smothers to death from her decreasing lung capacity. I told her that she really doesn't have a clue as to what my caregiving requires, so she needs to shut it up.
And now, everyone else in the family can either like it or not. I really don't care any longer.
vic, cmag and all have a good day
ladee - one breath at a time sometimes
lyn -your son has good memories already - take comfort in that. I love huddling at home - addresses lots of things
took some a small sherry and some cold FX and huddles and getting better!
notlike - sherry in the laundry room sounds great to me - and chocolate!!! jam ants a chocolate martini
hugs across the miles....
Jam, what a beautiful story, the story of the coat. Your grandmother rocks and she taught you a lesson which you haven't forgotten yet!
Seeme, I remember all the health problems that your mother had and I remember your courage in facing so many things all together. I am very lucky with my mother; from the health point of view she gives very little problems...
Lyn I am very sorry and I can imagine what you are going through, because a cousin of mine has cognitive problems and it started when he was far too young for that. I would like to be closer to him - he is one of my favorite cousins - but he and his family have built a wall and they have disappeared from the face of earth. I asked my cousin's daughter if I could go to see him, several times, and when she found all the times excuses to keep me away, I understood this is the way they want to handle the thing and I mustn't insist. I think it is my cousin who doesn't want to see anybody, he is very proud and wants to stay by himself. How many sad stories there are.
Vic, Mismiley, everybody, thanks for asking about my mother. She is slightly better (I kept her in bed all day long) and she is starting to eat something without throwing it up. I am catching the same flu and I see on myself that you just feel like sleeping because you are not strong enough to stand up... You just run to the bathroom 100 times a day!
Marie would have a bird!!!!
(for new folks, GoWw stands for Grapes of Wrath wagon, it's what I call my pitiful little place I live) hugs
Ladee - Sonny sounds like a hoot. Can we send other broken things to be fixed? LOL Seriously, it's a great reminder that everyone needs encouragement.
Jam - I felt as warm as if I was wearing a coat from your story. This site is full of Christmas elves.
mis - hope you get to do your visiting.
emjo - I will put a big bottle of sherry in the laundry room for you! There's no booze in there yet, but a bottle or two and a chocolate stash may be in order. Oh, and green tea. I think we can decorate the place up with all those skulls and bones you boil. LOL
The girls are at the other relatives tonight. So Mom has no interest in anything and has been staying in her room. At least it's quiet. Hubby's sick with an awful cold. At least he just wants to be left alone and not babied! Bless him.
I cannot say enough about the support here. You are all wonderful people, who deserve the best and don't always get it. I am overwhelmed by you all...hugs.
lyn - not sure I ever had tequila - if I did it was several lifetimes ago - booze has never done much for me - I prefer my calories in other forms - like chocolate - BUT, I think I will have a 1/2 a glass of sherry tonight - living it up for sure lol -this old gal is kicking up her heels - should be like asg and hide it in the basement - in the laundry room - notlike -do you have any booze hidden in ur laundry room?
OH my goodness we are bad asses - lyn we started a thing about a laundry room as notlike hides there to talk to her sister on the phone - from there it went to a bar/coffee/tea place where we could gather.I will bring antlers as sig other hunts and we went off on a tangent about antlers - You can find the strangest things like pronghorn heads boiling on the top of my stove with the antlers sticking out of the pot - right now it is just moose bones. There is a wolf skull in the veg compartment of the frig in the garage... What next!!! Ex has been calling and wants to hunt with G. G says that's fine as long as ex doesn't bring a gun - he doesn't hunt with ex's with guns LOL. Did I mention he is in safety? I have given up on Christmas.I don't give a rat's patootie any more, and I haven't even had my sherry yet. Just watch me when I have! Everyone can do whatever they like and so will I - just have to figure out what that is. lol
cmag -hoping to hear good news about the doc's visit today - hugs and prayer for you and wife
mother doesn't know how fortunate she is that her biggest problem is undercooked oatmeal, but she can and may make a federal case out of it. I think she needs a real crisis to deal with.
missing my son as Christmas draws near - he was the one who enjoyed everything the most - every present was a delight to him -even the soap in his stocking
hope everyone is OK -let us know if you haven't
((((((hugs))))) everyone, love and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
Seeme, that was beauitful and melted my heart what you wrote this morning....you have had such a hard year... but you have no idea how many times your posts during some of the worst times with mom, got me thru another day, your humor about all the poo was just hysterical sometimes.... I know you were probably hysterical when you wrote it.... I would be exhausted from wrestling with Ruth trying to get her depends off of her and then read about your day with mom, and just tell myself to lighten the hell up....
I don't remember who said something about all we have shared this year, but I felt this shift in my thinking....yes we are all so tired, but my oh my have we shared some sillliness this year.... laughed until we were crying, and not in a bad way.....and not everyone has an online friend that they get close enough to to install thier internet.... for those that weren't around back then.... I am stressed out of my mind... Ruth had just passed away, I had to move , it was just nuts.... I called this number one morning to get my internet started at my new place... as I am explaining what I needed, this voice says, " Ladee, this is Seeme",, oh my God, I still get hysterical when I think about how hard we laughed.... I am at my new job and Marie, who is a tad of a tight ass, was looking at me like she had made a MAJOR mistake in hiring me...... but I know for a fact that was one of the best days I had this past year......
So, even on the days where we are no where close to being sane, someone on this thread will give us something we desperatley need... a hug, a shot of reallity, laughter, gratitude because they have it so much worse than we do... it's been a long hard year for so many of us.... but here we are, still together, laughing all the way..... hugs across the miles... sorry mismiley, we'll come up with something great for your sign off.... just give us a little time.....
ladeeda too funny about your doctor and Way to go Sonny.
vic thanks
emjo I don't know if it's sunk in with my hubby or not, but time will tell. hope you get to feeling better
seeme you sure have been through alot.
jam we're getting your rain and I'll be waiting on the snow. Great story by the way.
ro still thinking about you and your mom
Hugs to the others and sending prayers your way.
Well it looks like I'll be breaking out the rum and egg nog sil is coming over for Christmas. Lucky me, not. I just might see if she'll keep an eye on grandma while my hubby and I go over and see dad's side of the family, who I've never spent any Christmas times with them that I can remember. My aunt had a severe stoke a few yrs ago and my uncle takes care of her by himself. He's in his 80's. I just got reconnected with my dad's family before my surgery. I don't know we'll see what happens and if my husband wants too.
Grandma is doing good this week so far.
Hugs and prayers to you all across the miles.
Would sherry work in the tea? I don't. have any whisky~
- tugs the heart strings :'-)
Emjo your mom has pull! The head of the liberal party...wonder if they write her back..tea time! Don't forget to put the whiskey in it! In the south it is a hot toddy! We also add a little lemon and honey..just add that to the laundry list!
My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of her world-famous cinnamon buns. I knew they were world-famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true.
Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm. I told her everything. She was ready for me. "No Santa Claus!" she snorted. "Ridiculous! Don't believe it. That rumor has been going around for years, and it makes me mad, plain mad. Now, put on your coat, and let's go."
"Go? Go where, Grandma?" I asked. I hadn't even finished my second world-famous, cinnamon bun. " Where" turned out to be Kerby's General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everything. As we walked through its doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. That was a bundle in those days. "Take this money," she said, "and buy something for someone who needs it. I'll wait for you in the car." Then she turned and walked out of Kerby's.
I was only eight-years-old. I'd often gone shopping with my mother, but never had I shopped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping. For a few moments I just stood there, confused, clutching that ten-dollar bill, wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for.
I thought of everybody I knew: my family, my friends, my neighbors, the kids at school, the people who went to my church. I was just about thought out when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock's grade-two class.
Bobby Decker didn't have a coat. I knew that because he never went out for recess during the winter. His mother always wrote a note, telling the teacher that he had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn't have a cough, and he didn't have a coat.
I fingered the ten-dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy
Bobby Decker a coat! I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It looked real warm, and he would like that.
"Is this a Christmas present for someone?" the lady behind the counter asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars down. "Yes, I replied shyly. "It's...for Bobby." The nice lady smiled at me. I didn't get any change, but she put the coat in a bag and wished me a Merry Christmas.
That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat in Christmas paper and ribbons (a little tag fell out of the coat, and Grandma tucked it in her Bible) and wrote on the package, "To Bobby, From Santa Claus." Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me over to Bobby Decker's house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever officially one of Santa's helpers.
Grandma parked down the street from Bobby's house, and she and I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma gave me a nudge. "All right, Santa Claus," she whispered, "get going." I took a deep breath, dashed for his front door, threw the present down on his step, pounded his doorbell and flew back to the safety of the bushes and Grandma. Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open. Finally it did, and there stood Bobby.
Fifty years haven't dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker's bushes. That night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said they were: ridiculous. Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team.
I still have the Bible, with the tag tucked inside: $19.95.
He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree.
Merry Christmas everyone!!