This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
ladee that was hilarious about Sonny - Bless His Heart in the best possible sense
seeme -what a wonderful post - and what a year you have been through
actually what a year every caregiver has been through - each year brings its own challenges
sure blame me for something or I will get too comfortable. Oh I spoke too soon - 2 emails about someone who has 2 daughters who LOOK AFTER HER (yes, capitals), and how the elders are killed off by bad care - someone didn't cook her oatmeal properly the other morning. She has complained to the head of the Liberal party, the residence director, to provincial health care, to the VP of a seniors organization, the the nurse who heads up home care in the residence and to my cousin's son who did some grocery shopping for her about this particular care worker.. No, this is not dementia - it has been the same all her life.She wants a geographical fix, I think, to move again.
Coming down with a cold, so time for tea or something. Maybe the Christmas arrangements are irrelevant.now. I'll get back to the challenges of this year later.
Will get caught with the others later but have to share what happened today... ya'll know how much I hate the disease of Alz.... but that is my speciality, working with Alz..... today after Sonny's shower, I was getting things ready for him to get dressed and teeth brushed and shaved... I handed him his underwear, he tried to put them on like a tshirt, I gently told him that was his underwear, let's try this..... way, it was an ordeal for him today... I think he is depressed, but that is another post....
So I go to clean his electric razor and the head just boinged all over the place, I just stood there, grateful none of the pieces went in the toilet...picked up all the pieces and told him we'd shave later, I had a lot to do today... so we get finished and I am doing other things then once in awhile I would try to set down and put that chinese puzzle back together... Marie was at the Dr... thank God....anyway after about 20 minutes I am ready to throw the razor across the room, told Sonny I was going to go smoke and come back and try again... " Do you want me to try?" Now remember he put his underwear on his head and tried to put his arms thru the leg holes... Sure Sonny, give it a shot...... wait for it....... he put the damned razor back together good as new......!!!!!!!
I hugged him and bragged on him how smart he is and what a good job he did..... and we laughed about Marie not taking a new razor out of my check......
He was in a better mood the rest of the day, he "helped' fold towels and wash cloths, put the laundry in the dryer, tho he refuses to fold Marie's Granny Panties, so you just never know when God gives us a surprise to remind us there is still someone in there than needs love , encourgement, hugs, and to be told what a great job they did.... I put his "folded" stuff up just like he folded them... Marie will have a hissy fit, but I will remind her we DIDN'T use HER toothbrush this time..... I love my little Sonny Man.....love ya'll.... later
Seeme...how beautiful! Several f your paragraphs speak volumes as to what I am going through..although our loved ones are going through different types of diseases we have many things in common that bring us all together.
Cmag I'm with Jam..get yourself someone new!! As jam says horse poopy to the stay awake pills geez... ! Prayers also for Mrs. cmag..you both are in my heart and prayers as you cope with all the emotions.
Hugs to you,
Jam
Beautiful words from seeme to start the day.........makes me feel better and maybe I can face the possibility of snow today.
CMag.....I agree that it's time to find a new psychiatrist. His expectations of weight for you are totally unrealistic....of course that is also out of his expertise, so really, what does he know? Instead of dealing with the whys of sleeping so much, he has just given you a quick fix with the Nuvigil....horse poopy I say....it's time to try out one of the new guys. I'm sorry Mrs. CMag didn't get any answers now and that she has to wait. Try to keep her mind off of it and I know you will be her rock. Sending angels to watch over her.
The col was on another planet last night......told us she had a tv dinner but couldn't eat it all so she put the leftovers in her refrigerator. Alrighty then! Said she had no idea the place had a dining room. We bought her a small dorm sized fridge but decided not to take it to her because she is incapable of remembering it's there and anything we put in it would just sit there. Today is a new day and she has become my entertainment....I look forward to hearing what she comes up with. Saturday she decided she would speak in French all day.......funny lady. Now if she starts speaking in a different language I will really start worrying since she doesn't know any other....lol.
Forecasting the possibility of some snow today, we have had a lot of rain......warmer temps so at least we aren't dealing with ice.
Hope everyone has a terrific Tuesday!
Happy Trails,
Jam
Cmag: you are in my prayers today
More later: daughter's family entertaining Mom while daughter and I go out and finish my shopping.
Mom's cards got done yesterday. She was marvelous in following my instructions. Then we partied at the local casino and I won some money so I can splurge on myself today if I want to. I just might want to. I didn't win a lot but enough to smile about!
There is hope for all of us and this group of friends starts and ends my day after lifting you all up in prayer.
SDPeg
Yes, depression really sucks the life out of ya and deflates any energy you have for doing anything or wanting to do anything. I am thinking seriously about finding a different psychiatrist than this one that I've been seeing for 8 years who is now 74. I'm 5ft 7 with a large frame and I did some power lifting competitions 11 years ago when I weighed 225 and benched 315. Since then, I've been through some very stressful times and my weight increased over 250. I've been gaining weight back over the last three months and am at 257. I had gone down from about 270 to 245 from earlier in the year. I still don't understand that while the increase in my anti-depressant, wellbutrin, plus adding abilify last fall helped my deepening depression then, that I started sleeping way to much and could hardly stay awake for the first two months of this year. I had my thyroid checked, my testosterone level checked and along with my blood sugar level those things were fine. My psychiatrist's response to all of this was to put me on a wake up pill, nuvigil, and tell me that I needed to work up to walking three hours a day so that I'd loose weight down to 135 and then I would have plenty of energy. Really, 135? I've not weighed 135 since jr. high. When I was in my best physical conditioning ever, which my dad said was pre-olympic, I weighed 155. When I got married at age 31, I weighed 160 and my weight had only increased up to 190 by the time I reached 40. Really now, I've been around 250, down and then back up again since 2002. I was in Tae Kwon do from 2000-2006 and got down to 235. My heart rate and blood pressure are fine. However, this idea of loosing down to 135 is insane. My primary physician said if I reached 190, he would be happy. I met with a dietitian once who agreed and said only if I were sedentary in a nursing home would she want me to be down to 155. I think that my psychiatrist has lost his marbles. We don't have much of a pool of psychiatrists to pick from in this town, but I've heard that we do have three new ones in town.
I started 2011 with extreme anger about my caregiving situation. I had given up my life to take care of mom and it had gone to 24/7/365. I was lucky if I could go to Walmart.....ever. My 2 younger sisters came to take care of mom, but I couldn't leave, and it would take another week or two to straighten mom out after they left. When I tried to vent, I got "I know, I know....." , but they didn't. In the time I had mom here, I nursed her through breast cancer surgery, a broken hip and rehab, and malnutrition. She wanted 3 cooked meals a day, even if she didn't eat. She went fron a walker to being pushsed everywhere inside and out of the house in her transport chair. She went from being able to get in the minivan with a stool to being lifted into it. I learned to insert a catheter, dress a 3x6" skin tear laceration every day for 4 mos, and continue to function with little to no sleep. Somehow, somewhere, from someone, I got an email from AgingCare in March and found this site. After reading a few hundred funny things, I started posting in March......
When I found Jam and Ladee, and Jam started this thread, I knew I had found a home and sister friends. Jam was dealing with an in-law and ALZ, Ladee was a paid caregiver, and I had mom who had a brain aneurysm in 2001 and had different health issues. And we all felt the same things.....and my feeling were validated............
Jam and Target helped disgnose the last problem I had with mom - a fistula. She had a tunnel between her colon and the top of her uterus, so she leaked liquid stool from the vagina....yeah...a cleaning nightmare....and a UTI waiting to happen. I began every day with her waking, getting her ready for a sponge bath, bathing her, dressing her, cooking breakfast and getting pills down her, cleaning up the kitchen, breathing treatments with the nebulizer, and MAYBE getting a shower after sleeping maybe 3 hrs in a row. A trip to the doctor meant packing a bag with diapers, pads, cleansing cloths, something to drink, eat, and footrests for the chair.
She was very angry that my dad died first, that she had to empty the house and sell it, that she had to move without all her "things". I heard every "wrong" anyone ever did to her.....repeatedly......and my emotional state was bad. That is why I prefer to see the humor in as much as I can. She hated me when I insisted on a full shower and she stood there butt naked and screamed at me, but it still got done. I got all my love from this site and these women and we will be friends forever. So, while I will be glad when 2011 is over, and I will remember forever this year because of my mom's death, I am grateful for it because it brought me here to friends........love you guys............
Mom died on Sept. 6, from complications with her heart rate, found out she had matastatic breast cancer in her left lung, and a UTI. After months of going to different doctors for a definite diagnosis, her colonoscopy was not going to happen. I placed her in a hospice facility and let her go. She is no longer in pain. Would I do it again.....absolutely. Could I do it again without this thread ...... absolutely NOT!!!!!!
Vic and Notlike......my deepest respect for handling both your parents at once. We can't tell you enough how special you both are for doing what you do every day. We have been there.....truly.....in the trenches. If you EVER need to release and vent, we have your backs.........
Ro.....I pray things get easier for you and mom recovers from her flu. You have also had a very rough year in 2011. We love you, you sweet thing.
Cmag.....today is Tues. Thinking of you and your wife.....be sure to let us know. I have been in your shoes.....waiting........
Glad Emjo will not be blamed for the latest incident with the caregiver. Can't we find something to blame her with before she gets too comfortable? She needs to practice ducking........along with moosing.......
Sorry for posting such a long letter....guess the gates just opened up. Now I will take a shower and SHAVE MY LEGS......just because Ladee put that vision in my head....
I didn't forget anyone else....you are all in my heart.....Stormy, Shawnna, Starri, ASG, Smiley.....gonna visit the Laundry Room today.......SDPeg, burned,...
I wish everyone a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year........SeemeSue
With mom do the best you can you know you love her and you do have the right bowls!! Just not hers!! When daddy gets crappy towards me I come here more often and cry. All these wonderful ladies and gent have kept me sane since I found them. Find the laundry room in your house if you can...
Ro..hope mom gets better soon..did doc give her meds? Colds and flu just sap the energy out of our loved ones ..it is so hard for us to watch and feel helpless that we can't fix.
We have survived!!! We have kept our heads above water. We have kept our sanity, we have bonded as friends as only we can!!!
We have found something to be glad about, to be thankful for, to be grateful for, to embrace with all the strength we have at any given time.
This year with all of its ups and downs has shown me an inner strength in myself and you my friends that perhaps we didn't realize we had. This year with the moving back into the house my brother moved Mom out of, the three semesters of my education, a vacation that wasn't one, mom's obvious rapid cognitive decline, visits from sibs, one great, one not so, the tears, the joy, the heart ache, the successes. 365 days of living life ... doing the best we can ... reaching out to one another for advice, a shoulder to cry on, empathy, someone to listen to us, someone to hear us roar, shout, scream, holler ... all in all, this year has been what it is and the thing I am most grateful for in it ... it is almost over! What scares me is that 2012 is a leap year, has one more day in it, and that means one more additional day on this roller coaster!!!! Help! I want to get off this ride!
We will survive! We will live through the next year as we have survived this one and we all are better people for it.
For those of us who have lost loved ones/friends this year: my heart still breaks over my friend, Carl, and I know yours is still breaking as well over yours.
For those of us whose life has drastically changed because of our new role as caregiver: we made it through this year, we can make it through the rest.
For those of you with new pets or ones in Pet Heaven: they are our friends for life.
For those of you who thought you would never make it, reached out to our family here, and survived yet another caregiving challenge: YOU are stronger than YOU thought YOU were and I LOVE YOU for being here on this site.
Jam: thanks for this site. You are a Godsend.
We will make it in 2012 because we made it in 2011 ... we will draw on our successes and gain strength from one another.
I am blessed to know you all and I look forward to friendships flourishing. You all are always in my thoughts and prayers, SDPeg
Jam - what a year you've had. I'm glad you found a way to cope with the col that works for both of you.
Vic - you take care of both parents, too? Hard sometimes, isn't it? Hugs.
Emjo - bless you for fighting through the fibro. Hugs.
I want to laugh tonight, but I can't find the humor in this situation. Maybe tomorrow. I can usually bounce back after some sleep. I can understand that Mom is hurting emotionally, but hurting me instead of dealing with how she feels just doesn't seem right. Oh well, I will feel better if everyone else here has a nice Christmas. That will have to be enough for me.
ro - sorry about ur mum - the floor sounds like a good place - I did run the water till it was warm coming out of the tap, don't know where the icy cold stuff came from -should have been room temp if anything - look after you and don't hurt ur back lifting - hope she picks up again
jam - lots of memories this time of year - me too -doesn't make it easier`and no ambition
mis - how's it going -is hubby picking up some slack so he gets an idea of what u go through? glad u had a good time with the relatives
brandy -check in and let us know how u r
notlike - hope dad continues to do well and that some meds help mum
stormy - the pup is adorable!!! so glad hubby bent and allowed an inside dog
cmag - thinking of you and your wife and the dr's visit tomorrow
asg -glad u got out to buy stuff -hope aunt behaves well at christmas
seeme - how are u doing with the bah humbug - I am still there, but making some progress
vic - you sound in good spirits. glad you can ease up on dad and that mum is putting her ears in, I think sone foods trugger the fibro - like a few days after I eat them -have you had that happen?
every -who I have forgotten - hope Christmas plans are coming together -I have one thing fixed and everything else is up in the air - which is apparently how G's family does it and that complicated by his work being crazy right now. I have done my shopping except for the meat grinder lol, and will get out to do that tomorrow hopefully. Think we will be on the road a lot -as long as I bring a pillow and a blanket I can sleep in the truck when he drives...Not Christmas as I have known it for years, but life changes -that is one constant, and it is good of we can adapt.
One good thing mother's crisis was a fight with a home care worker -so far not my fault which is nice. My cousin's son did some grocery shopping for her and he and his family took her out for a meal the next day. He is a nice man and comes through in emergencies.
Sounds like we are not a very boozy lot - a bottle of sherry lasts me a couple of years -I forget I have it and when I do remember all I want is 1/2 a glass at the most. I like to put a little in soups and stews. Would be good to have some green tea in The Laundry Room!
having a bit of fibro but not too bad - trying to figure out what triggers it from my diet -maybe have to add soy to the no no list, which is growing all the time. Oh well - life goes on!
love, hugs and prayers♥♥♥
jo
Ro so sorry about mom! Hope today is a little better. Smart move with the mattress.
Ladee so glad you are better...
Notlikemom...take care you..you are in my prayers. I take care of both my parents also.. God takes care of us when we aren't watching
Mis..what an amazing woman you are!
Cmag..prayers for you to get better soon..depression suks the life out of you. Will be praying for a good outcome tomorrow.
Sweet Jam..so sorry for the crappy people in this world but so grateful I found you.
Emjo...are you feeling any better?
ASG...yea for time off! Hope you have a good time with the kids and blessings to your hubby! I was blessed with a good one too!
Have been tired and in pain the last few days but have accomplished much! Now I have to start baking!
Dad has had rough days but easy nights...getting harder and harder to move him but we do our best. Mom has been worrying more over dad..so we just try to make it day by day. I have been less frustrated with dad lately..Thank you Lord. It helps and mom has been putting her ears in! Woo hoo wonders!
We have been receiving meals on wheels for mom and dad but it has gotten to the point that dad won't eat them...so add to routine ..cooking a decent meal every day.
Am tired..finishing with dinner so I will try to catch up again tomorrow. Love you all you have been my rock and I so appreciate the strength you give me!
Got to talk to two close friends yesterday and I feel like a weight has been lifted... I feel so much better today... friends are angels in human suits... God is awesome...
hugs across the miles....more later...
ladee.............go pick out your COW PATTIE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ro.....so sad to hear Mom is not feeling well. Let's hope it's only because of illness and she will get her strength back once it has passed. And yes, I agree that we want that light to be one of peace....not a train!
This past year has been one I would just as soon forget, for the most part. The anniversary of my mother's death is approaching on the 29th. I'm okay with it because I realize that God was ready for her and had she stayed here there would have been a continual decline and that is something none of us like to watch. I threw myself into caring for the col, when warm weather arrived I had to watch over her constantly to keep her from wandering over to the edge of the pond and falling down.....20 ft.....or going out the front door and walking even where it wasn't safe. Talk about cold chills when I looked at her coffee table and saw a piece of trash that had been lying on the opposite side of the 2-lane highway......used by semi trucks and lots of vehicles with a speed limit of 65....and our house is located in a set of curves. We ended up fencing the backyard and putting a deadbolt on the front door. In June, we had the "breakdown" and the col spent 2 weeks in the behavioral unit and came out a new person. But we hired part-time help which was a blessing. Then in July, a certain person who shall remain nameless here, who doesn't know the col, me or the living situation and how well she was being cared for, decided to stick their nose in our business and file a complaint with the Division of Aging here. This caused that poor woman untold worry, stress, tears, anguish, only to find that she was obviously well-cared for.........and I hope that person is able to sleep at night. Sept and Oct marked the onset of rapid mental and physical decline, with falls, that prompted us to finally place the col in the NH. And during those 2 months I lost 20lbs, so it wasn't all bad!!! Running up and down stairs is good exercise I found. I am hoping this next year will be easier, which I'm sure it will be simply by the fact that I am not watching over the col constantly.....I know she is getting the best of care possible.
Put us all together and the strength of this group is overwhelming........day in and day out the care giving keeps on going........through our own temporary weaknesses.......the continued decline of our loved one(s).....to the joy we receive daily from them........what a blessing it is to know each of you and to be able to share with you and to have a place to come when the going gets to be a little more than we can handle.......
Happy Trails mi Amigos,
Jam
notlikemom, just reading your story again reminds me I am only tired, I do not have the the constant worry that you do, it has to be so hard for you sometimes... just know that you are loved and appreciated for what you are doing.... I don't know how you have held up...... extra prayers sent to you.... hugs across the miles to all the busy, tired and overwhelmed caregivers today....