This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
ASG - It would be awful to have someone sit and give you alot of unwanted advice. I just get the "glare" when Mom comes out of her room. Glad you got to Christmas shop!
mis - I don't drink much (had my 4th beer of the YEAR this weekend), but would come to the Laundry Room Bar just for the respite care in back. LOL
Cmag - hugs to you and your wife.
Got the heating bill this weekend. It's double our regular cost. Will be stockpilling insulated underwear. I can't imagine it set at 78!
In late September, Mom passed out and fell down. A few days later we got the cancer diagnosis. A week later we had moved both parents 800 miles to live with me. Then my Dad was diagnosed with cancer. Except for the Packers, I am ready for this year to be over. I am so grateful that hubby has been so supportive through all these changes, I have good friends, and that I've met you all on this site. Reading the posts and being able to vent has helped so much. With Mom's prognosis, I don't expect next year to be better, but maybe there will be a peaceful ending.
I hope when her flu is over she is better and she starts to "walk" again!
Notlikemom: I am happy dad's surgery went well.
Jo: I am sorry about your accident with the shower; of course it is useless to tell you that next time you try, set the right temperature "before" taking the shower!
Jam: you said "there is a light at the end of the tunnel" and I answer like Woody Allen: "Let's hope it's not a train!" My tooth extraction went very well with no pain, I had pain the following days and I am taking a pain killer which has a very nice side effect (slightly exhilarating) so it was a good experience after all.
Stormy what a nice new puppy! I saw it on Facebook.
Vic. Ladee, thanks for your kind words. Yes Ladee it has been a hard year!
Wanted to check in and wrote a nice long post and POOF!!!! Gone. Too tired right now to rewrite it, so will save it until tomorrow. I hope everyone is having a good night. I wish for peaceful sleep for all................
Happy Trails,
Jam
Started a new job last Dec, taking care of Ruth... a live in job.... it was made almost unbearable by the daughter, who we nicknamed BG for Baby Girl, on another thread I ranted everyday about her and how hard she made my job taking care of her mom.... in Jan or Feb. Ruth was having violent outbursts and I practically begged BG to see about some meds for her.. it was during that time that Ruth got violent and broke my leg.... she went to a NH while I recuperated...as soon as I could I went to see her every day in the NH... I really really loved her... she died in May.... I had to get another job, my leg wasn't healed, and I had to move, it has been one thing after another since then.... then my nephew dieing is such a horrible way, has just wiped me out.... but I am not unique, others have lost loved ones this past year. some are coming up on anniversary's of the year before.... and mismiley is so right about us taking care of ourself, from pure exhaustion I had another attack of tachycardia..... I do not know why we think we can do it all.... there is no weakness in saying enough already.... but we don't. Until something happens like to mismiley..... THEN we start to pay attention... and yes, you are very young to have these problems.... maybe we will be more health conscious this next year, I doubt it but we can hope.....
I love so many of you and we have shared a lot this year, the good, the bad, the funny, the sad, only another caregiver understands.....
Cmag, I pray you get a med adjustment to help you, and you are right, it is no way to live, but you are here on earth, putting one foot in front of the other like most of us here, and you have our support, just as you have given it to us this past year....
Everyone just remember that we are not alone, there is power in numbers, and there are hugs across the miles......
I'm so looking forward to this yr being over with.
If anyone is reading this and you're not taking care of yourself. Well take it from me I'm 38 now and have heart problems because part of it I was not taking care of myself like I should have it's very important. Another important point ladies it may sound silly but if you have any pain in shoulders or in the middle of shoulders please don't blow it off. Go get check out. I had pain in the middle of shoulders for a month and then what lead me to the er was having pains on the right side of my chest along with tightness.
I know if it wasn't for you all ladies and gent I don't know how I would of made it these past few months with out you. I'm so grateful for the friends that I've made here.
I know that under no circumstances would I get rid of the Diva, she has been the only constant in my life for the past 15 years, everyone would just have to deal with it... even when I took the job with BG last year wouldn't even consider it if I couldn't bring my cat... she needed the help, so she caved.... tho I do not regret one second I got to spend with Ruth, and still miss her very much, I could have done without all the stress of BG....
mismiley, so glad you decided to take on the "BAR", we need to know there is a place we can go, if only in our minds, to relax, have some fun, and have a room full of crazy women and Cmag...... speaking of Cmag, I think spending time with all of us would get you out of your bad spot and make you soooooo grateful for your 'man cave'....
I will have 28 years clean and sober Dec. 26th, and if I could drink, believe me, I would... but will not give up my sobriety for anyone or anything..... fought too hard to have this one thing in my life to be proud of..... so guess I'm the designated driver for the bar.... that's ok, I had my turn a long time ago......
Maybe we all need to post what a year we have had and then be able to let it go so we can start fresh next year.... some things will remain the same... my gratitude for my friends here, how close I have become to some of you, how much fun we have had, how much sorrow we have shared..... and for our Mother Hen, Jam, for staring the thread out of a need to have a safe place to put it out there.... and for her allowing me to be me.... problem child that I can be at times.... But she has always let it be know this is OUR thread, and so far it has worked ..... so many new folks we are getting to know, lord I do get sentimental at times.... just been such a hard year, will be so glad when it is over.... I am grateful I survived it, couldn't have done it or still be doing it without ya'll.... hugs across the miles to my friends....
A few yrs ago one of my friends from work got me a fifth of jack daniels, I had to go to her house a pick it up cause if I didn't we both would of got fired from our job. I put it in the basement and it's still there unopened and I won't open it yet.
Last night we had our youngest niece and her family over. My great nephews are 3 and almost 2. They liked the outside Christmas decorations. The oldest got scared of the outhouse cause Santa pops out of it. Grandma enjoyed her great great grandsons.
Asg glad that you got to get out and get some shopping done.
It feels good to have no more homework. I had such a drop in energy after submitting my last assignment that I crashed. Mom did as well around 4 and truthfully I am going to let her sleep. Unfortunately she did not eat the lunch I put out for her so I can only hope for the best tonight. Maybe she will wake up hungry in the morning. I didn't laze around: I did laundry (two loads), inventoried the gifts I have already purchased (more than I thought) and answered emails, threw trash out (wow...lots...the past two weeks junk mail has piled up) and chatted on the phone with one of my daughters.
She and I arranged for one day next week (Tuesday the 20th) for Mom to spend time with her daughters and husband and she and I will finish off my shopping, have lunch, and give me a chance for respite care. We also arranged for early January for a few hour break for me as well. I am seeing that if I take Mom to my daughter's house she is ok with giving me a break as her daughters then have something to do around their own house and not here bored. So that's what I will be arranging. Feels good to know I will have a break down the road.
I also will have a break on Wednesday the 21st: caregiver taking Mom for four hours while I get pampered doing my hair. Sometimes, for me at least, it is a mental break even knowing there are respite care breaks on the calendar.
I would love to have a few friends over for dinner but Mom is not ready for that yet. I do plan to go to the store on Monday and load up the freezer with food so when the temps drop and we get cold we will have some meals. I have not yet made that list ... forever using my brain ... sometimes it feels like it will implode.
Oh thermal underwear ... great idea!!! I agree it is hot in here as well. That propane company sends us thank you notes each and every time they do a fill (probably part of their customer service but I chuckle each time I read it...we have this heater up to 78 every day all day all night in the winter). Oh well, sometimes I wake up in a sweat and have to remind myself it is NOT that time of life ... it is JUST that the heater is up to a ridiculous temp then I get up and turn it down.
My mom was resistant to antidepressants and her doc told her the "new med" is for "increasing her appetite" ... that's the drug mom does not know WHY she is taking it but knows she is. Perhaps your mom's doc could reword the usage of the antidepressant. My mom takes it every morning. Some days she is so happy I want some too ha ha. I have taken them in the past for divorce and PMS and prozac worked for me. So far my therapist does not think I need them. She says I am still grieving my Dad and that's why I am sad coupled with seeing my Mom fade cognitively. I appreciate her words of encouragement and her confidence in my progress.
Although I did not get the grades I wanted (one C+ with a couple of Bs) I think I did great considering all of the distractions. I appreciate all the words of encouragement and I will move forward with next semester in January. Until then, I am going to enjoy my time off watching movies, reading posts, answering emails, and enjoying life. SDPeg
Vic - glad the doc is helping your Dad. Sounds promising.
SDPeg - well, at least you know what's in the doctor's notes. I can tell by your posts your are strong and won't hesitate to speak your mind to your brother. Hugs.
I think my 'happy place' is now a bar called The Laundry Room. I will go there in my head when things get awful. LOL
Quiet today. Mom is really being good. I wonder if it will last the whole 2 weeks the girls are here, hmm...The doc has agreed to re-do her cognitive test and get an eval from a psychologist who specializes in cancer. If they think it will help, they will offer her meds, maybe anti-anxiety or antidepressents. I don't know if she'll take them, but I can hope.
Go figure, the insulated underwear I bought Mom work! She actually likes them! Finally, after she wouldn't buy herself any and let the ones I bought her sit on the counter for a week. Maybe we won't have to turn the heat up to 'sauna" here anymore.
Had a good dinner out with hubby, friends, and 2 of our extra nieces. More cleaning in the morning, then let the housefull of people arrive!
I have another G hovering around - ex - who finally is realizing what a good thing he walked away from - tough noogies - BTDT - NOT going back!
Guess I will just have to go downtown and buy that meat grinder - and the sausage stuffer for you, - and grind some meat and make some sausage, and I am perfectly serious about that LOL!!! You don't believe me do you??? When all is said and done I will have to put pics on fb. In fact, I will put the moose massacre pics up now just to keep my credibility lol.
The old frig in the garage is freezing in the main part and thawing on the freezer - go figure - good for our purposes. Nice when a glitch works your way.
Looks like he is going out to stay at camp Monday, for who knows how long so all Christmas plans are on hold. When the big guys (Shell), who give the contracts, call, his company has to answer. He often has 3 meetings at the same time! Nice to be needed I guess.
Mother is having a break down of some kind. She called my cousin's son, who lives in Etown, and was too upset to say on the phone what was bothering her, so he has gone over to see her, and will get back to me. I have a sneaking feeling that it will come out as all my fault - what's new. She has had hysterical outbursts before about small things, when they don't go her way. I wish she would take meds - I think antidepressants would help, but as a typical borderline is not compliant to those kind of meds or any treatment for it. Nothing ever wrong with her - it is everyone else's fault - who won't do what she wants. Ah well, nothing new there either.
Trying to get some Christmas spirit other than Bah Humbug - listening to music helps -any other suggestions - (apart from "spirits") - no Jose for me. well, except person lol
Mis? Mis? Have you run away because I have found ANOTHER job for you? But think about it, this one will be a lot more fun.....
How old is she?
Been feeling yucky.....chills......no fever....achey.....weather is too warm for the season and bounces up and down......about 20 over average........crud weather..
Ladee.....I've been thinking of "Cheers" and going where everyone is glad you came and everyone knows your name.............without the drinking.......can't hang anymore.....as if I ever could........gonna take it easy today....again.....glad all doc appts went OK and surgery was a relative breeze.......feeling like you, emjo........now if I had some mashed potatoes............
Was working on my last assignment. A huge, over 15 page portfolio, and now have to do the table of contents and submit it. But I do have to go back to sleep or the table of contents will be a well, an overstuffed chair without the stuffing.
Good night/morning all.
SDPeg
mis, have you thought about opening a bar, you could call it the " The Laundry Room" and belive me, we will come.... I don't drink, but you could have coffee too, right?? Something for you to do in your 'retirement'...hugs.. happy the surgery is over and will hope for a good outcome..
emjo, sorry you are not feeling well, and "YUK" to your stew.... try not to let mom add to your stress, what ever it is can wait until the new year..... and I'm a Bah Humbug myself this year....
Cmag, well finally!!! Thought maybe all us yappin' women had run you off, sorry you are feeling down... but you know it passes and there is an upside.... enjoy your holiday with your family and hope your wife feels better soon....
Vic, hope you get to spend time at home, just setting in your favorite chair and staring out the window and relaxing or taking an all day nap... love ya...
Jam, you remember the theme song from Golden Girls?? " Thank you for being my friend", has been running thru my mind... that's to my friends on this thread...
Seeme, hope you are feeling better.... hugs to you..
For the rest of you, sorry if I missed ya, just too tired to think this morning.... love ya and hugs across the miles...