This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Grandma hears things that aren't there. She needs more care than what we can provide for her. I've told this to my husband a thousand times and it goes in one ear and flies right out the other.
So frustrated and don't know what to do.
Had a long post written this morning and the computer trolls decided they were hungry.....POOF!
I don't know who the author was of the poem I posted, but I thought at one time or another it might bring a small moment of comfort to those who need it or even those who don't.
I am now taking suggestions on what to get the col for Christmas. My mind is not coming up with anything other than a donation in her name to the Humane Society. My kids did that for me one year and I loved it! She is in need of nothing, has no hobbies.....
I do know that after the conversation I listened to last night I have to make a big sign with our phone number on it for the col. I have our number programmed in her phone but she cannot remember to push the button. So she just sits and dials until she happens to remember the correct number. And Target gets so impatient with her and I have to remind him all over again that this is like dealing with a 1 yr old. Maybe I should check the minutes used just in case she's been talking to someone in China....lol. Last night after not answering 5 times, she calls us and says "I've been calling and calling"....okay. Then "Mom what's our phone number? Do you remember the number? What did you just dial? Okay, our number is ________, now repeat it back to me, no it's ________, Mom just get a pen and paper and write it down, okay the number is (very slowly) _______, now repeat that back to me, no that isn't right, it's _______, are you writing this down? You don't have paper and pen do you? Oh, just forget it Mom, we'll make you a list!" By this time, I'm starting to talk to myself listening to this conversation, Target is looking at me in frustration......and all I can think is "she's your mother"! And do you think this is going to change or get better? Boy, when a doctor has to think "inside the box" it's rather scary.
I hope everyone has the most perfect day today......................
Happy Trails,
Jam
Jam...your poem brought me to happy tears too and sad tears for all of you going though grief. My heart breaks. Wish we were all closer to hugs and listen and give shoulders...so very grateful to yu Jam for starting this thread and that I found you.
I agree, Cup, to get an opinion on the situation.
I enjoy reading the grateful statements (I am grateful for the encouraging words I receive from all of you), I cry when you cry, laugh when you laugh, and send my hugs from San Diego!
More later! SDPeg
Enjoy you TV time..
Hope everyone has a good night....going to kick back and watch Criminal Minds now.
Happy Trails,
Jam
Jam - awesome poem.
Lots going on here. No care giver coming Friday, Mom doesn't want to pay. So she will stay home by herself. She passed out 3 months ago when she got diagnosed, but hasn't since then. We haven't been leaving her alone, but if she doesn't want to go with my Dad for his surgery, there's only so many other choices.
Had it out with her again last night. She was her usual mean self, but I feel I "put her on notice" that her behavior is rude and the yelling is too much. She insists she does not want to do puzzles, games, see people, or anything else a normal person would consider fun. She just wants to stay home (and yell all day at Dad). I am worried about my father.
Good news is that I talked to the social worker today and explained how forgetful Mom is getting, how mean, and how she is not coping well. She now has 4 brain tumors instead of 3. SW will talk to the doctor and the doctor is supposed to call me. They have nurse oncology psycologists available free of charge. Wow. Maybe even some meds for Mom. I'm not expecting miracles, but I have hope this will help.
Prayers please for Dad's surgery Friday. He could be fine, or not wake up, or anything in between. If you're not the praying type, I would love good thoughts sent his way. Or even moose dances LOL
stormy- think'in about ya.
Cup- I definately would get some advice from an attorney about the lawsuit.
I would consult a attorney about the lawsuit.
cupojoy77........so sorry about your Dad. Did he get the sepsis in the hospital or a nursing home? There has been a huge initiative this past year to stop the instances of hospital acquired infections......if a patient acquires an in-hospital infection usually Medicare will no longer pick up the tab, so to speak. And if that is where he got the infection, I would certainly speak with an attorney and find out what your options are. Of course you miss your Dad and it is heartbreaking to see the progress snuffed out so quickly and cruelly. Let us know how things work out for you.
stormy.....what did Dad's doctor say about the goobers? Wasn't he doing that the last time you had him in to see the doc? Do you have a stationary humidifier set up for Dad? The dry winter air can cause all kinds of problems. Hope it gets better.
Got my hair cut and colored today and I feel like me again......mouth is healing and getting better every day, but still doing potatoes and tomato soup....with pudding for dessert.
Happy Trails Amigos,
Jam
I still can't believe that the test came back normal but I'm not going to agrue with that one.
Stormy if we all doing this same thing next year, then that means the ones we love are still with us....
Starri, more later to you.... need to ponder Jam's post.
For my hubby (yes ladee, I said for hubby..lol..) he drives me crazy, makes me want to kill him, puts us in financial distress, etc.. but he loves me, his arms are long enough to give me hugs when I need them. He's there, when I am in emotional distress and gives me shoulder time. He helps me put bandages where bandages should not have to be put, but have to be there anyway. He doesn't get grossed out or call me a freak or something.
I am grateful that we have the opportunity to travel and that I will have the opportunity to meet at least one of the lovely people here on the group. One of the things I am most grateful for are all of you. You've been there when I needed someone to talk with, who understood and who loved me unconditionally. What you have all given me, is one of the things we as caregivers need so badly, someone who understands.
ASG, there is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about in taking antidepressants, I've taken them for a long long time, and could not have done without them during Mom's illness and her passing, I thought about calling my Pdoc and asking her to increase the dosage of the antidepressants during the final weeks, but I knew there wasn't enough on the earth to take away that pain and sorrow. I take ativan as well, along with a mood stabilizer. I know without the meds and without all of you, I would have never made it through Mom's care.
We all need help at times, Some of us like me need it all the time. I use to deny that there was anything wrong to people, and then one day my eyes opened, I knew there was something wrong and I needed help. I reached out and asked.
Jo, you really got to quit giving me these pictures.. lol, now I am going to see you dancing around the garage in your nightie with a knife and the antlers.. Tell G thank you for bringing you all the fresh meat, even if you do have to chop it up yourself. Your not getting all the chemicals and BS they put in the food now adays.
Big hugs and much love to all of you.
Glenn and I are going to clean out the camper today and quit using it as a suitcase with wheels.. We might have it sold and hopefully it will be out of here this weekend, we had a guy offer 1,800.00 for it, we paid double that but I am grateful to get that much out of it. First of the year, we'll be in the motorhome, I'm looking forward to that, more room, can decorate it a little and most of all "My own toilet and shower"... lol.. No more freezing my tail off hiking back and forth from the parks facility. I love family, but I've had enough of the "togetherness" lol.. we'll be in a park near by till we find a trailer for the truck and the motorcycle and then we'll be starting on our way back to SC, via AZ, "TEXAS" Ark and then home figuring it's going to take us probably 3 months to make it back to the East Coast.
By the time we get back, it's going to be the 6 months or more that I told my baby brother it would be before we left. If any of you ever get the opportunity to do this, I strongly recommend it. It's been a dream come true, been a frightening experience, I've had to take everything I've known to be "normal" and throw it to the wind and just go.. but I've done that before in getting clean and sober, threw myself into the unknown and prayed there was someone out there to catch me, there was.
TTY, big hugs.
If tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all that we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and hug you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things
I might miss some tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day is the same way,
There's no longing for the past. "
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right there, in your heart.
Gotta get those cabinets cleared out, so here I go...................ttyl...........
I'm up early this morning.......had some doggies that either didn't like the sound of thunder and needed to hide under me for protection or the call of nature got to be too pressing....lol
I have read everyone's posts after ladee asked what we are grateful for and the responses have just been overwhelming to see that even through the heartache of dementia and other mental and physical maladies there is still a sense of closeness brought about by our common thread.........care giving. And during all the care giving everyone still has been able to find something good to smile at each and every day. I think being a care giver opens our eyes to things that we didn't see or feel before those days and makes us see other things as not being a stigma anymore. I know a few years ago when I was going through a divorce my doctor put me on antidepressants and I remember thinking that it was terrible to have to do a thing like that........now it's become "look what I did, I recognize that I need some help with MY feelings and I want to feel good".......it warms my heart to read here each day from each of you how you are evolving and those that have come to realize "I'm important"! I truly do appreciate the opportunity of having gotten to take adventures with each of you in one way or another.........
ladee......through rock hunting
seeme......buying new fur babies
emjo......moose dances
Rosella......hard work and the heartache of losing beloved fur babies
ASG.....Auntie and kitty cat and children
CMag.....a leaky roof and empty nest and a man cave...woohoo!
mis.......Grandma with a vivid imagination
Vic....."How to Survive taking care of Two Parents"........
stormy....."How to take care of a parent and a 5yr old"
Shawna......ca-ching.......a home-based business
brandy.........how to survive an accident and still take care of family
SDPeg......getting a degree
And everyone else it has been my privilege to meet. I hope the coming year is easier on all of you, even though we all know that as our loved ones age they will continue to decline, but the strength and love that is displayed here is just awesome!
Happy Trails,
Jam
smiley, hope you get some answers to your questions and concerns today... I know the holidays gets our Alz, family out of their comfort zone, Ruth was a force to be reckoned with on normal days, and the holidays sent her over the edge.... her daughter insisted on decorating the house, a tad over the top I might add...Ruth was so confused... and some of the blinking lights sent her into orbit... I would unplug them, the daughter would plug them back in... we did this for a month...am happy to hear you are getting some family time... something to look forward to, that helps a lot....
Ish, glad to hear you are getting some much needed sleep... this grieving thing takes all the energy we have left....many on this thread have lost loved ones this past year, so we really do understand how you feel..but sure wish you would share your 'gifts', need to hear or read some things that give me something to hold onto... I am pretty close to the edge myself these days....
And thanks to all those who posted about gratitude... I know I loose sight of this sometimes when I am overwhelmed...
And right now I am having to fight the feeling of resentment that I have to work and can not take the time to just grieve...have to put on the professional face, go do my job, run errands, watch my son killing himself, and just too many changes and too much loss this year... my physical reminder of Ruth when my leg hurts from being on my feet for so many hours... but I am not mad at her, she would never have hurt me if she had been in her right mind, it's her daughter I am still mad at.. but will have to let that go too as it is taking energy I don't have to spare...
So, we are here together, loving, supporting, laughing and crying... it's just called life... hugs across the miles to my freinds...
I'm glad that we are grateful for things.
I had an interesting day when I came home from work. Grandma was up and moving around. She found this piece of paper and asked where she found it, if it was outside or not. I've noticed that she's become more confused than normal. This time of the year is hard on her not just because of the holidays, but my mil birthday is this month too. Last night, I feel asleep on the couch and woke up when Jr got home from work. Grandma said she didn't know what was going on and insistated that the washer was running. I woke up from my nap on the couch and Grandma asked me, when Jr was going to change. I told her that he's in his 40's and he won't change. Somehow we got kicked out once again. Grandma mental state is sure declining fast. Tomorrow we take her to the doctor and am having her checked for uti. I've got a whole list of concerns to share with the doctor.
We're having our youngest niece and her family over this weekend to do the Christmas thing. Our niece and her family is coming after Christmas. I'm looking forward too it.
Hope everyone has a good day.
e being buck naked in a cold shower to remind a person they can still move fast. I prob would have tumbled into something, like the toilet. Im kinda a .. clutz.
And just as you said about Gordie, I know Howard is at peace and out of the craziness that is going on down there according to one of my other nephews.. finally told him I didn't want to hear any more... I am amazed every day I made it out of that family with a heart, the abilty to forgive, compassion, I may be mouthy, but I am not mean...
What presentation???? You didn't share what your project was???? Want to hear all about it...and tell G I am grateful for him too...
Was reading how many of you are grateful for hubby's... made my heart so happy for ya'll, but I am grateful I DON'T have a hubby.... I am relationship challeneged... lol... so I finally gave up....
Love ya'll, and this having to stuff my grief because I have to work is not going too well, am having trouble sleeping... was almost late for work this morning... went to bed at 4, turned the alarm off when it started, then woke up and did the hustle getting ready for work.... that would be the only reason I would remarry, he would have to have MONEY, so I don't have to work....
Hugs across the miles to ya'll....