This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Last year we had snow in my town but that's the four months we were in independently living. I hope if we get snow this time I am home and on break. I do not know how to drive in it.
Onto my study group. Wish me luck ... keeping data in my brain is difficult sometimes.
SDPeg
Pray G doesn't get any more moose. I forgot the front quarters are still at the cabin and we will "do" them next week - more moose massacre
asg and smiley - wish I could ship some down -it is beautiful meat! I think the rest of you - except ladee - prefer turkey. She wants a peanut butter sandwich!
lots of opinions, Jam -now who could that be -I call it the wisdom that comes with age ;) - have to agree about not giving too many meds - I think of my relatives who survived -many years ago to age 95 and I know they did it without statins and prob with a little high BP and blood fats - there comes a time and I am getting closer to it as we write. I think how you look after yourself when you are younger is much more important -epsecially the 40s and 50s when the vicissitudes of youth can still be turned around - and pave the way for your health in your senior years. Not that the good habits should not be carried on -they should.
mis - black ice can be pretty scary. years ago the road to downtown was total black ice. cars were creeping along at 20 mph and still sliding into the ditch. It took a bout 4 x as long to get anywhere. Every a few busses slid sideways. Once it gets to below minus 30 even salt doesn't work - nothing does. You just have to go into second gear and creep. I`ve done a couple of donuts just applying the brakes a little - thankfully no cars right around me.Hope u find a good place for respite for grandma
Starri u don't want to come north in the winter. People can get stranded in snow storms and freeze to death not that far from houses. It happened on the outskirts of montreal years ago and other places since. Stay with the palm trees and the gentle breezes!Enjoy your new motorhome! I think moose antlers would look great as a hood ornament lol ;)
vic great to hear you sounding better - pets are good for the oldsters - wrappng and mailing parcels -not one of my talents - sorry that dad is hurting and tired, though sleep maybe good for him - don't be too scared sweetie - everybody's time comes and it can be a welcome release... I know you put so much into caring for him and your mum - it is never easy. Praying for an a gentle time when it comes -having pets beside you is very comforting -sounds like dad is bonding with the new one - love your rambling
sdpeg - glad you sorted out the no go day and hopefully will not get a repeat -I had baby sitters come in over the years and finally learned to go with the flow - like all of us each one had strengths and weaknesses and I enjoyed the strengths and tried to minimize the impact of the weaknesses - one liked baking -go for it, another liked to play with the kids a lot and did house work and so on. Each one was different so I could not have the same expectations other than the basics for the kids -that they were safe and fed -one overused bleach so I had white blotches in the kids clothes . I ended up putting the bleach bottle in my car trunk everyday before I left for work.- other than that she was great. Hope the finals go well.
notlike- i hear your song - dad needs protection I am sure. please do friend me on fb. - glad dad is calmer. Hope the home care works for your mum -mine either loves them or hates them and that can change in a minute. Sorry your mum went off at your son - he doesnt need that, it might be time for him to move out but, agreed you would hope not for that reason. Did you enjoy your shopping?
seeme - what a neighbourhood - you live in -grown men and women running around in the pj's . When are the puppies coming? u must be getting excited!
wanna, ishmael -all you past, present or future caregivers out there - how's it going? This is not the easiest time of year.
love, hugs and prayers♥♥♥
jo
Had a great time out with friends last night. Stayed up late Thursday night to talk to Dad. End of life choices, as we just signed the POA paperwork. He expressed his wishes and I think that was great. Pre-op testing went really well yesterday, he seems alot calmer about the surgery next week. I am too, now.
Mom would rather stay home with the new care giver than be at the surgery, it seems. As long as "I don't have to talk to her the whole time, do I?" The case worker seems great and is coming next week to set everything up. Yeah! Starting to think about getting more in-home care for her and sending Dad to the senior center, because he is breaking under her daily verbal attacks. We'll have to see how the first few times go when we have someone here with her while he's at his surgery and treatments. Mom even went off on my son the other day. I missed it, hubby told me. Andy, my son, was trying to interest her in suduko and she accused him of calling her stupid. He wants to move out anyway, and as this gets worse, it might be better for him. I hate feeling like I'm choosing between my mother and my son, but he is 20 years old and ready to go. Her being here is not the reason I wanted for him leaving, though.
Off to Chrsitmas shop with a friend. Hope everyone finds a few minutes of peace this weekend.
ASG, "blink blind, ya think" is my new motto... applies to so many things doesnt' it... am so sorry you have missed your respite, but also glad you had the talk with auntie about the future... and am so grateful your hubby has stepped up to make things a little more fun... I know you are tired and needed the break,,, I would help you if I lived closer....
Ro, I will get some rest , but I know I am more worried about you than I am about me, I do get a break from the caregiving.... sending you lots of hugs and angels to help you carry the load you have... think of you everyday....
Jam, will you get "potato eyes" growing on you from eating all those potatoes?? If you do please send me a pic, I need the laugh and I promise not to post it on YOU Tube or FB... ya trust me don't ya??? And I wish someone was here to go down the country roads with me today... I know Seeme won't, she could stay back, clean the house and have the coffee ready when we got back....she doesn't drink coffee so would have to leave written instructions...
OH Seeme, is that you, hi, how are ya..... emjo offered free antlers, get em... and I want to see pics of the "FLAKES", mis is the GRISWALDS with her yard, so we must keep in the spirit of things.... and I would put the pic of you and Mike beside the pic of the Christmas tree...house is too tiny for a tree of any size, but not a very Merry Christmas here anyway....
Emjo as much as I love you, the pictures in my mind of the moose mascacre are making me ill... I don't eat meat, so the idea of all that blood smell is making me gag... sorry, I know you will enjoy all the meals from it... and please send the anlters to Mike.... I really think he would wear them...
And yes I was planning to have my own way of telling Howard bye.... but thanks for the suggestion..
Vic, get those presents wrapped girl...I am so sorry dad is not feeling well, just so hard and so sad, and he must just be very tired....thanks for your emails, they mean a lot to me...
Jam, Seeme, Starri, Emjo, thanks for your emails also.... I can do anything if I know someone has my back.... one foot in front of the other.....
Oh and ASG, that poor cat, I think I am going to have to come get it....I'll bring Auntie a stuffed toy one that she can abuse and I won't worry about it.....
love and appreciation to all who care about me and what is going on in my life.... we are all so tired.... prayers and hugs to you all.....oh, and gratitude and appreciation that I do not have to do this alone...
I am starting my day early because I have a study group to go to today. I asked mom if she wanted caregiver to take her to church tonight. She said yes. Last Saturday she didn't answer the door or phone and he called me to let me know she was not answering and therefore did not have her. When I talked to her about it she said she heard the phone and door and didn't answer because she didn't want to go with him (and his wife). I told her common courtesy is that one answers and politely says no thank you. She told me she would answer the door and is looking forward to going.
He is the caregiver that has been taking my mom to the senior center to have lunch and meet others. He is excellent in his position and even if home health care nurses are hired (and paid for with insurance perhaps, will check into that during my break, doc office gave me phone numbers to call), I plan to keep this man for my mom. He is excellent with her, communicates with me, and does what he is asked to do within reason of course. He's a keeper.
I got all the holiday cards with mom yesterday. It didn't take long. Glad that is over. This week is the last week for caregiver that has excuses for not following through with numerous weekly task assignments so my frustration level will go down (she was contracted only until I was out of school for this semester). Hopefully she will follow through with running errands this coming Monday as that's all she is paid to do with mom (no normal caregiving responsibilities). This caregiver has been difficult to train. I'm glad this was a short contract.
Studying this weekend and finals this week and this semester is over. My GPA is suffering a bit with all the challenges caregiving entails. Next semester is part time not only to be home more often for mom but for my own peace of mind. I have only 3 more semesters at part time to graduate with a Bachelor's degree and a minor and onto graduate school. I am already paving the way for that with some research I have done this semester. I am confident in my studies and enjoy school but also am looking forward to a month break to sleep and just hang out and relax. I am glad to have been able to return to school at this time in my life, I take it more seriously and am much more diligent than I was years ago when my goal was associate degrees.
I have learned over the past year to set boundaries for my own life, to say NO when necessary for my own peace of mind, to surround myself with positive, supportive people, and to take breaks even if it means "deserting" my mom (as one sib called it) so I can take a few breaths for myself. I have been blessed with people in this small town (comparatively to large ones but not so small compared to smaller ones) who love my mom and will do anything they can to make her and my life easier.
I am truly blessed.
SDPeg
Carol...like everyone has said..you don't need to explain yourself here! We have to try to take care of ourselves too! You will worry whether she is home or in respite better for her in AL. She goes to daycare..so she is already in that type of atmosphere..she will enjoy and if there is some confusion..it is ok and will work out.
Had day out yesterday.. Mom to hairdresser brought her home and went back to stores to get some shopping done..finished moms shopping for her! Yea..now she will dog me til I get the packages wrapped and mailed! Oh well.
When I came home dad looked so frail. He said his side was hurting again..didn't want to go to hospital as they would put him in anyway do to age.....then he started talking about giving his kindle to the son of the speech therapist when the time comes..made for a scary night but he had a peaceful night and is breathing steady. I pray for a peaceful happy death for him when the time comes. We all do I am sure for our loved ones. Will let him sleep today...
Seeme...flakes!! Hahahaha such a good one! I'm with Jam..no whining about implants! Too funny
ASG so gladd hubby is stepping in..what a sweetheart! And auntie looking for fleas hahahahaha... A kitty showed up here at moms during thanksgiving thanks to my brothers family who fed...she has stayed around. The neighbors across the street have bunches so this is one of theirs.. They are all wild..the frustrating thing is they don't neuter sooo.... Oh well mom and dad ow have an outside kitty..we named her Minnie mouse as she will be the mouse catcher.. Mom was saying see she is scratching she has fleas!! Will have to take her soon to get her neutered..don't need a litter here! It was funny the other day as I walked to my house Minnie followed and met my cat! Well my cat had her up a tree...poor thing..had to coaxe my kitty back in house to coax the other out of the tree..should have seen me! I am sure I looked crazy but I did not climb the tree! Went to pet store yesterday and asked the guy..which cat food to buy when you aren't quite in love with the cat yet! Boy am I a sucker! Course she makes dad happy to pet her and that is priceless..the other day he was calling for her from bed...so I went outside and brought her to him..he wanted to know if she could stay with him. Told him she is an outside kitty and that mom would kill us both!! Funny though..she gets up and checks on her to make sure she is at the door. Animals are such a comfort to the elderly at least on the whole.
Enough for now as I am rambling...
Love all of you and pray that the day goes well.
Jo ? Moose Antlers? with a cap..lol, even better.
I hope that everyone here has the Christmas that they all are wishing for, I would be probably decorating the new motorhome, but we don't get it till after the first of the year.. ; (
Thinking I ought to go to bed, anyone going to be watching the eclipse tonight? I don't know that I will wake up early enough to see it here.
Know what you mean about opening day - doesn't apply to me - I have treaty Indian status and can hunt any time.
Those big breakfasts! Usually before he goes off to the horses he likes a big breakfast. He grew up on a dairy farm and I know they worked hard and long hours and probably ate well. His mum and dad well into their 80's still bake together and give him pies and muffins etc to take home. We will finish tonight except i will do the stew meat tomorrow. can't wait - it has been over 15 yrs since I had moose and I like it better than deer,
Glad you talked with auntie about the future. It would be so nice if you could do your thing this Christmas again.
Im certain I missed my respite opportunity the minute I got the phone call that all had broke loose at the nh. It was over with before it was done. The days she spent in the hospital I spent running back and forth except for one day of it. She is determined not to spend another day in one. We did have a little talk about how as her health deteriorates we will have to make changes for that. She was very open to the idea of hiring help so I can get sleep a few nights a week when it comes to that. And if she becomes bedridden help during the day also. Although I think if she couldn't walk or talk I would need less help. Not sure of she will have the funds for that though its a nice thought. At least its a plan. If she needed one I would make sure she went to a good one. Not sure how that would play out with Medicare, and the money she used on our house to add on.
Jo cutting up that moose sure does sound like alot of work.
Seeme yes we need to see pictures of the two flakes.
We're also looking into respite care for Grandma when we take our first real vacation out of state next year. I think it would do her good, but she might drive the staff crazy looking for Daisy our cat. I know she drives me crazy asking where Daisy is all the time and asking me if Daisy has died. Then out of nowhere Daisy makes her grand entrance. I sure hope nothing happens to Daisy while Grandma is still around cause we'll definately have our hands full then.
I hope everyone has a good weekend.
seeme........I can pretty much guarantee you won't feel any pain...but I swear if you start whining and complaining I'm going to send you to the spa!!!!!! So I take it we will get pics of you two flakes at the party?
ASG.....the doctor is correct. Why keep throwing meds at the elderly for this, that and everything in between? When it's probably not going to make any difference in their quality of life.
I am steeped in moose torso, moose hindquarters, moose meat in general. We have been butchering the past few days and one more hindquarter to go, I will be posting pics on facebook. We now have several sets of moose ribs to roast - they will be Flintstone size but should be good. Will be glad to get the last of it done . My job is to cut up the stew meat, bag everything and stow it away, We are running out of freezer space so that means a visit to ny daughter who has a big almost empty one. Mind you, at our current temps the garage does the job.
Respite sounds good to me.
asg and carol - hope you do manage it, you will feel better -
asg auntie's mind - bless her sox off - what can you say to her???
ladee - rest and recovery - process what has happened - look after you - tough times I know -can you do a little memorial service just for you when the other one is happening - doesn't have to be much but can help
ishmael - sending prayers to you too - lots going on?
starri girl - having a blast I see -that's great -will squeek go up a tree if she gets a chance?
jam -good news about the implants -i have been wondering - appparently I am ready for mine but want to change dentists -that guy has ham fists
ros (((((hugs)))) about nino -know you will miss him for quite a while -you never forget them
seeme - PICTURES!!! - red white and blue - very patriotic!
cmag -dry yet???
burned - glad u r getting paid - that helps
everyone - my memory is failing - - hope you have a good weekend
I was up at 5:30 yesteday morning to butcher moose,and didn't get to bed till nearly midnight after a second round. Don't think I will be worth much tonight - cutting up stew meat can wait till the weekend, after a good night's sleep.
love, hugs, and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
Carol, if gut feeling is telling you this is the right thing to do, then go for it........there is nothing like gut feeling and we never wanted you think you had to explain it to us. You need to have more confidence in your own abilities, cause I see nothing wrong from here!! And have a good time!!!!!! No regrets allowed!!!!!
Jam, if you're sure I won't feel it, you can have your implants. Just wanted you to know.....
Rosella, so sorry about your kitty...been meaning to tell you that for ages......losing a special pet is a special kind of grief.........and a kisser!!! uuuummmm
Hubby got his Christmas PJ's yesterday.....navy blue with white snow flakes and white top. I will wear red with white flakes and white top. He will wear his moose slippers......hopefully we will be the only flakes that night.......smiley can have all the others. I like it, don't mind driving in it, but this town closes up at the first flake, they can't drive in it, and I don't like the damp, wet, slushy mess and talk of black ice that we never really get here cause they don't know what it is.......wah, wah,wah.
Started to get on a roll there, so I will close for now.....cutting the hormones in half might not be working.....thanks, doc!!!!
Thanks for the input. I think it is best for her to go and for us to try. She will be in the al for 4 nights. We need to be able to entertain our friends. Hope that doesn't sound too selfish. We don't get to go out much, but have been having a lady come in to stay with my Mom. The weeks and days around the Christmas Holiday are so busy, It is hard to keep the schedule. I know I am very fortunate that my Mom goes to day care every day and enjoys going to daycare. I need to get Christmas up and going for my girls. Just seems that my time is so short. We have a wedding to go to this week end and next weekend we have a show for Dance. In between are several school programs and parties. My subdivision does a progressive dinner so I have offered to help with the main course; like everyone the Christmas Holiday is so busy.
I know I will worry about the respite but just feel it is something I must try. Everyone at Mom's daycare thinks it is best. For some reason I feel I must let the people on this site know that I don't do this without lots of thought. My family is all for it Just feel I must make it right with all of yall. Please share any and all thoughts.
Thanks,
Carol
Ro..........you won't have any problems with your extraction. Please don't be afraid. I've never had just one tooth pulled, it was always 2 or more. You won't have the advantage of being able to place a denture over yours, it acts as a bandage, but just leave the gauze in until it quits oozing, then on the second day you can start GENTLY swishing with warm salt water....that feels so good. It normally takes 2 weeks for the hole to close over....my dentist today told me mine were almost completely closed and it's been only a week. I've been a very good girl! We discussed implants today and I told him my concerns and he said no, I've already gone through the worst of it. When putting the implants in, bone has no nerves, so the pain is very minimal. Eased my mind. The center of the bone has nerves, but the implants don't go in that far. You will do just fine!
cadarn...........I wouldn't worry too much about the care Mom would receive. And of course you will worry about her......but who knows, maybe she might enjoy herself so much that she would want to stay. When we took the col to the NH, we explained that she needed PT that we couldn't do at home, and she has settled in very well. Of course she is having lingering bronchitis which I feel will become chronic, but she might have gotten that here, I can't blame it on the NH. You're the only one who can make the decision if this is the right thing to do....have you asked for your daughters' input? That might help you.
ASG..........what did you learn from the doctor? I'm still hoping you can work out some respite so you can get into the Christmas spirit................I'm the only one allowed to BAH HUMBUG!!
ladee.....glad you are home and no work this weekend. Give yourself some time for absolutely nothing. Unless you're planning a rock hunting expedition. Sorry I'm not closer, I would go too........you will never make me stay behind and take care of Marie....:)
mis.............anytime on the snow. We didn't get a single flake so my snow dance must have worked!
Hope everyone has had a great day.......check in and let us know what's up.
Happy Trails,
Jam
Ladee I knew your Faith would help you...I hope this weekend you will feel free to "feel" what you wish, without worrying about your job and your duties.
Jam I will have a tooth extraction next week. Never done it, I am very scared. I shall have an implant, too, next year. I am lucky it is the last tooth (the last molar) so no.one will notice.
Also since she is not a live -in I worry they won't care for her well. Has anyone taken their mother ,dad etc to an assisted living for respite. I'm not sure my Mother will understand and I know she will be very confused. Is it worth it for all this ? Thoughts anyone?
Thanks,
Carol